Reading Reviews for Ronald's Box
  
274 Reviews Found

Review #26, by hiddenbyhair Revelations

11th April 2012:
if you drop the story now i will go hunt u down and use crucio

Author's Response: Hahaha! Best review ever! I'm to understand that you enjoy it? Well then you'll be glad to know that I am not dropping the story at all. In fact, the next chapter is almost done and the third year is about to begin. There is no need to hunt me down; I'm doing as fast as I can :)

 Report Review

Review #27, by HartOfARebel Revelations

6th April 2012:
Yay to you updating! I've been waiting for this for ages =]

This chapter made me laugh, the reaction of the adults was very good. Asking Hermione about her being a cat and her crush on Lockhart was very good. And then reciting the poem Ginny wrote haha. I look forward to the next chapter =]

Author's Response: Thanks so much for this review and I apologize, I know it's been ages! I'm very happy to see that you are still following this story though, that's a huge relief. If you read my AN, you'll know that this chapter did not want to be written...

I'm glad you enjoyed it and it made you laugh. I didn't want it to be too heavy, no matter that some of the points they had to explore were a lot heavier. Next chapter is half written! Some other questions will be answered and the first of Hermione's letter will make an appearance.! Thanks again for reviewing and keeping up, means the world to me!


 Report Review

Review #28, by lukelog925 Revelations

4th April 2012:
What needs to be in this story: Harry and Hermione's POV on:
The escape of Sirius Black, the graveyard harry vs. Voldemort, The prophecy being told in Dumbledore's office, harry and Dumbledore: the hunt for the locket, The Forest: Death of Harry/Dumbledore's final Request of Harry, and Harry's final fight with Voldemort and obviously the future generations reactions to all.
Your story has amazing potential and I'm looking forward to the next chapter, keep it up, your story is one of my favorites btw,

Author's Response: Hi and welcome to my story!

Well, I'm sorry to disapoint you with my answer but you will not see anything from Harry's point of view here. We saw all of it through the books and, although the kids didn't this story is about seing things from another perspective. I am now adding Hermione's so it'll be a split between hers and Ron's.
Therefore, all moments with only Harry can only be recalled from how Harry transmitted the information to his friends. You'll know that he sometimes omitted things (for example, the prophecy) and, in that case, it will be interesting to see how Ron and Hermione deal with this fact (well, I think it'll be!).

I'm glad you like it though and I hope you won't be too disapointed with my answer. I hope you'll still enjoy my take on the thrid year though; it will be interesting to see what Hermione gets up to when she is fighting with the boys! Thanks again and next chapter is coming soon!


 Report Review

Review #29, by CambAngst Revelations

4th April 2012:
Tagging you from the Review the Person Above You thread in the common room. So happy to see a new chapter.

So I could see a progression in your writing as this chapter went on. At the beginning, things felt a bit stiff. In a lot of places, you weren't mixing up your tag verbs and sentence structure, which made the dialog sound a bit singsongy. As I moved along through the chapter, you seemed to get more comfortable and things started to flow much more nicely. By the end, you were solidly in your comfort zone and I thought it ended on a very strong note.

In the beginning, I liked the way that you included Arthur as a calm, comforting presence. It felt very much in character for him and it set the stage well for the calm, reasonable reactions of the adults. It was amusing that Molly was more upset with Ron about the omissions in his letters than with the four cousins, but again that was perfectly in character.

The adults' explanation of why they hadn't told the kids about many of the things that happened to them while they were in school made good sense, and I thought Ginny was a good person to delivery the message. The way you transitioned into Lily's question was a bit odd, though. It didn't really seem like a "chuckling" moment.

Lily's question was a good one, given the limited window into Ginny's first year that they were able to get from Ron's letters. It would seem like Ron and the twins did not do nearly as much as they could have to make sure that Ginny was alright. Honestly, I agree more with Lily than with the adults' explanation in this case. It always struck me as odd that Ron was such a protective older brother, yet he spent so much of Chamber of Secrets completely ignoring Ginny. It's funny that there's still so much tension within the family on the topic of the Malfoys.

Play dates with Luna! That must have been awkward beyond words. I do agree with you that the death of Luna's mother has always been glossed over a bit in the books. Poor thing did go through a lot leading up to her first year.

I loved the way the kids torment Hermione with her crush on Gilderoy Lockhart. Hermione winds up being written as so sage-like and untouchable in most next ten stories and you succeeded in taking he down a notch and making her very human. The recital of her werewolf poem was priceless. And just to make sure that Ginny takes a few hits, too, they bring up her Valentine poem to Harry. Humiliating!

I think it was a great idea for Hermione to insist on including her letters for third year. That was definitely a year where she and Ron had some pretty major differences. I think the upcoming chapters are going to be a lot of fun. Can't wait for more!

 Report Review

Review #30, by ginerva_molly_weasley Bravery comes in tiny packages apparently

9th March 2012:
Hey, here I am again with another review!

I actually love this story because it is just so close to canon and you include almost every little detail with the troll and the quidditch match which is just amazing to read.

I like how the next gen children are just discovering alot more about their parents and it's interesting to see how little their parents had told them about their times at Hogwarts and when they were younger. It's interesting that they hadn't heard the troll story though as I feel that would be a story that Ron would have been proud of to relate in little family get togethers although I do understand why they wouldn't have been told about the cursed broom though.

It would be interesting if you included more of the next gen's reactions but that's just a little thing :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much!

It wasn't always easy to keep it close to cannon but it's what I try to do to the most of my ability. I'm working on adding more comments from the next-gen right now, you aren't the first one to comment on that! I was afraid the chapters would be too long at first and then, I write the second year with chapters of over 6000 words each... Irony.

I'm glad you enjoyed and, as for the troll story, I agree with you but when it came to writting it, it turned out more fun when the kids didn't know about it so this is why I made the choice.
Thanks again!


 Report Review

Review #31, by ginerva_molly_weasley First Look at Hogwarts' Fall 1991

8th March 2012:
Haha I actually love this chapter!

Ron's perception of Hermione is actually hilarious and I can see why the kids would be confused as to why these two ever got married but then again over the books we got to see their relationship develop!

Hagrid also made me laugh because I can see how Ron could have seen him as scary so when the kids go on about how he isn't and then see him from Ron's perception it did make me laugh because Hagrid is almost like the BFG.

A very well written chapter and I'm loving the way you are almost guiding us through the books and at the same time letting us know the next gen children's reactions to the events!

Author's Response: I love this chapter because it's the only one where I had time to poke fun at how Ron saw Hermione before they became friends so I had to cram everything very quickly to make the most of it!!

It is fun for me too to go back on the books and try to find the small places where I can write a missing moment of some sort. One that does not take away from the original story but adds to it and, I hope, adds more colour to those characters. I'm glad you enjoyed and thanks a lot for this kind review!


 Report Review

Review #32, by Marauder_Weasley Spiders and Snake

12th February 2012:
PLEASE UPDATE SOON IT'S A GREAT STORY

Author's Response: Thanks ! The next chapter is coming soon; I'm glad you enjoy my story, thanks for taking the time to let me know!!

 Report Review

Review #33, by ariellem Boys (and girl) versus Dragon

25th January 2012:
Poor Ron, first he gets bit, now he's going to get detention, AND his kids have figured out all his lies.

He's going to wake up with a large headache later. :) Great job as usual!

Author's Response: hahaha! this has got to be the best review I ever got on this story!!

I try to think of it like they ALL lied to their kids, not just Ron; he only happens to be the one whose letters the kids fell onto.

I'm glad you liked it and thank you for taking the time to review and make my day !


 Report Review

Review #34, by magicmuggle01 Spiders and Snake

24th January 2012:
Once again an excellent piece of penmanship. I love how you seem to take the feelings that all concerned and pass them onto your readers. I was a bit dissapointed not to be able to read Ron's account of what happened in the chamber, I just know he'd have mixed up one or two of Harry's accounts of the story.
Excellent work and 10/10. I can't wait to see what you have planned next.

Author's Response: Thanks so much for this review and for always coming by with every chapter. I can't tell you how much I appreciate that!

Yeah, about the chamber, I tried a lot of ways to actually show it but no matter how I tried it, it clashed with the previous chapters and statements. So I had to settle with this idea, sorry if you feel cheated, it is unintentional but necessary.
Nex chapter is going to come soon, just as long as life slows down a bit. The chapter is all written in my head, I just don't have time to write it down (the same goes for answering my reviews. sorry about the delay by the way...).
Thanks again!


 Report Review

Review #35, by HartOfARebel Spiders and Snake

14th January 2012:
Very good chapter, felt a little rushed but meh, got over that fairly quickly.
I loved the convo between Hermione and Ron! It summarised everything so that the kids could find out what happened but wasn't exactly like the book and didn't follow Harry or anything!!

Next chapter...next chapter...hmmm

It should be an interesting one to say the least! Really want them to ask Hermione about being a cat x) I think that'd be so funny.
I've a feeling Lily is going to be really cold towards Ron and then get, like, really mad at him or something. And then Ron's going to feel guilty again. Or something...
Have to ask why their parents didn't tell them about this. Like, ok, not tell them about a big dirty snake going around Hogwarts trying to kill muggle-borns, but like they could have told them about parts of the Philosophers stone and about Hermione being turned into a cat...just fudge the ages a bit so that the kids don't decide to do stuff like that in school! =P
I think one thing that I'd want to do if I was Al or Lily would to just hug Ginny and just be held for a while. Be reassured that she's fine and that she got through it ok and such.

Thanks for replying to my last review and answering my question about where James is at btw =]

Update soon 'cause I love this story =]

Author's Response: Hi!

I hesitated a lot with this chapter; wether to make it in two or keep it as one chapter. I'm actually thinking about re-separating the entire second year in order to shorten the chapters a bit and have to possibility to add some details and slow the pace of the story a bit.

I'm glad you liked the conversation though, I know it's not as great as actually seeing the action in the chamber but it comes with having the story from Ron's POV; he wasn't always there!

I am taking your ideas for next chapter and I have to say that you picked up on what is coming fairly well (not sure if I should say that I'm un-original or if it's more that I set things correctly...) and that makes me happy; I take it it means I managed to write the emotions fairly well.

The next chapter is coming soon, unless life stays crazy and I still don't get time to write it (it's all in my head, I just don't have time to write it... which also explains why I'm answering the reviews so late...).

Thanks again for your support and for coming back with every chapter, you have no idea how happy that makes me, thanks!


 Report Review

Review #36, by CambAngst Spiders and Snake

11th January 2012:
So I know from some of your responses to reviews that you found the second year really hard to write, and I congratulate you for powering through it. This chapter, however, was brilliantly done. It seemed like you were enjoying yourself a lot more.

The lie that Ron tells his parents about their encounter with the car near the Forbidden Forest cracked me up. I love the transparent, plastic way that you wrote that section. Then the actual encounter was quite scary. Very true to form.

Proceeding from there, the scene with Percy, Fred and George in the common room was perfectly tense and dark. The reactions of all of the brothers were spot on, as they would have been from Ron's point of view.

Then the pace really picks up as they confront Lockhart and drag him into the Chamber with him. It's really too bad that Ron wasn't a witness to what happened between Harry and Tom Riddle, but his retelling to Hermione was nicely executed. And the way she comforted him and eased his feelings of guilt was perfect.

The reactions of the teens were very engrossing to read. The emotions were quite genuine. I can't wait to see how you play this out when the teens confront their parents in the next chapter!

 Report Review

Review #37, by CambAngst Valentine and Azkaban

11th January 2012:
OK, back again for another chapter.

First off, the typos that I picked up on:

"I know," Rose says while looking at the scene around her. All the Hufflepuff students are listening to Ron and Harry's every words; - word?

"And you need to write a 5 inches long essay about the potion on page 53," Ron tells Hermione who takes note. - notes?

"So Care of magical creatures it is," Dean says, writing down his selection, imitated by both Dean and Neville. - Is Dean imitating himself?

Lily laughs until the Headmaster's gazes turns straight to her. She chokes up under the piercing blue eyes look at her. - Something isn't right about this sentence.

You picked up some interesting topics in this chapter. First off, there's the generally unpleasant way that most students treat Harry during the panic over the Chamber. You definitely got the point across to the teens that Hogwarts wasn't a pleasant place for Harry during most of his second year. I liked the scene in the hospital wing with Ron and Harry trying to cheer Hermione up. It played nicely into what was coming.

Ah, Harry's Valentine. I had completely forgotten that little nugget. It was never resolved in the books exactly who sent that, correct? I always assumed it was Ginny, but I don't thing it's ever explicitly addressed. At any rate, poor Harry. That's all he needs.

And then Hermione gets petrified. I thought this was the strongest part of your chapter, the kids' reaction to seeing her lying in the hospital wing. I would have been tempted to play that up a bit more, even if it meant sacrificing something else, like the selection of elective classes.

All in all, you're moving things along at a nice clip and really taking the reader through the story in a fun way. One more chapter to go and I think I'm caught up!

Oh, and relative to your author's note: On a completely practical note, I would have the kids ask why the adults didn't tell them about the Chamber. The Basilisk is dead, so there's really no danger. I would have thought that the school would have either sealed the Chamber permanently or perhaps made it into some sort of "class trip" for DADA. Bigger picture, I think Al and Lily should really focus on asking their father why he never shared much about his early childhood. Harry being Harry, I would expect his responses to be awkward and evasive, at least at first, but that would be part of the fun of writing it. If Al and Lily are persistent, they could eventually draw him out a bit. It could be a very touching scene.

 Report Review

Review #38, by CambAngst Poetry and bigotry

10th January 2012:
Yes, I think they're very good. Chamber of Secrets isn't the easiest book to translate into this format. A lot of things happen, but they're not really the things that are likely to have the greatest impact on the teens as the learn about their parents. So they watch, get a good chuckle and move on. Although I can't wait to see what happens when Ron and Harry enter the actual chamber...

So I thought your writing was a lot better this chapter. Sorry, I'm at work, so I didn't have time to pick out the typos and errors, but I can tell you took your time more with this one.

I liked some of the subtle ways that you're managing the parts of the plot that don't become known until later in the book, especially the way that you're having Ron note Ginny's mysterious absences in some of his letters to her. I think it's kind of cute that he still writes her letters, even though they live in the same dorm.

So I say, persevere! You will get through this book soon, and on to better things. In the mean time, well done!

 Report Review

Review #39, by R A E Spiders and Snake

9th January 2012:
I love this story more and more with each chapter! Ron was always my favorites :)

Doubly excited for POA! (yay Lupin & Sirius!)

Author's Response: Thanks so much for this nice review! Glad you enjoy my story and that you haven't gotten bored yet!!!
I can't wait for PoA as well, it definitly will be my favorite (of the three firsts I mean) and a lot of changes are coming! I hope you'll keep on reading!


 Report Review

Review #40, by CambAngst A chamber of horrors?

9th January 2012:
So, this chapter was definitely a little rough. I found a number of typos and such. Without further ado:

"Lily says before walking a little closer to the three second year…" - I think you meant "three second years". This happens a bunch of times throughout the chapter.

"When the hundred of students arrive closer to them," - hundreds?

"Ennemies of the heir, beware! You'll be next Mudbloods!" - two n's in enemies

"Everyone attentively watch the Headmaster Dumbledore doing some sort of complicated moves over the rigid body of the cat." - I think you were trying to say that everyone was attentively watching Dumbledore.

Hugo and Al give their sisters utterly disgussed looks. - So I actually checked to make sure this wasn't a British spelling that I just wasn't familiar with ;-) But you write "disgussed" or "disguss" a few times throughout the chapter.

"Why would you assume the Chamber in in the dungeons?" - "is in the dungeons"?

"Do you think that it's tue then?" A particularly small girl ask the rest of the group - I think you meant "true" and "asked".

"I swear I'll find out who's doing all this and he will pay... - You forgot to italicize this bit of the narrator's voice.

OK beyond the little things, there was head hockey… once again you've reminded me of a little nugget from the books that I had completely forgotten about. That said, I thought the chapter might have moved along better without it, or at least without quite so much space dedicated to it.

Again, I thought the chapter could have benefited from delving a little more into the teens' reactions to some of the things that happened, especially their horror at finding Mrs. Norris and the blood-red message on the wall and their disgust at Draco Malfoy's slur against muggle-borns.

On the plus side, a lot of the banter between the teens was great. I especially liked the little bit of insight about Ron being worried for Hermione's safety. That was good foreshadowing.

Once you clean up the little stuff, I think you have another great chapter here!

Author's Response: Hi!
Wow, you have really flooded my unanswered reviews pile and I love it! I will get back to the review you left for the previous chapters in the coming days but I wanted to answer this one first.

The second year was really hard to write for me, it's my least favorite book of the series and trying to make it interesting was pretty difficult. Also, my beta left this site between year one and two and I am still waiting for someone else to pick up my story so this is part of why the second year is really full of gramatical errors. As for the lenght and drag of the story, I honestly have to admit that I didn't go back on it yet. I went back on the first year a couple time to tiddy up the chapters, cut the unnescessary paragraphs or pieces of dialogues and so on. The second year has not been done yet and this is why I appreciate your review so much. You are really giving me huge pointers as to what I should cut or make a little longer and I appreciate that so much, you have no idea.

Like I said, the second year is much rougher around the edges but I do appreciate the effort you put into your review, helping me improve it in a near future. I was waiting for the entire year to be over before I went back on it as a whole (like I did for the first one) and now that the last chapter has been validated, I am going to get on it. I want to clean this year before I start the next one.

Thanks again for all this (did you get how much I like it? If not : THANKS!!)


 Report Review

Review #41, by bob Spiders and Snake

9th January 2012:
very interesting. The only thing I'd edit is the concept of the letters. It's nice to see the different perspectives of letters to mum and dad, compared to the ones to Ginny, but it's kinda hard to buy into the idea he'd write a letter to his sister when they shared the same dorm. I'd use letters to the oldest brothers instead. But that's not too critical, and it doesn't detract from the story at all.

Author's Response: Thank you very much for this review, I really appreciate the honesty and the foreshadowing!
Seriously, I am impressed with you suggestion because, and this is spoiler, next year will not have letters to Ginny but to one of the older brother (not saying who, you've been spoiled enough)!

I wanted this year to include Ginny with the letter because of her importance to the story. I imagine her receiving letters from her brother, saying that he wants to kill the Heir when, in reality, it was her all along and she knew that.

Next year though, Ron will have some girl problems and will need the help of a brother though this all, not the one of his sister.

I hope you will be following still when this is up and once again, I thank you for reading, taking the time to review and for being honest in your comments!


 Report Review

Review #42, by CambAngst A brutal arrival

9th January 2012:
Hello, again.

Os I really only noticed three typos:

“'Looks like the sun is about to go down though, it will be better before long Harry,' Ron says in a surprisingly ( ) way, pointing at the lowering red sun." - Not sure what was supposed to go between the parentheses...

"Colin, Ginny and another girl are talking animatly between them," - Did you mean "animatedly"?

"We all cought the cold so we should be clear for the rest of the year." - caught?

I really liked your re-telling of the flying car scene. You hit on some of the more practical aspects of the journey, and made it really believable.

Oh, poor Colin. By the time the poor little guy is dead at the end of Deathly Hallows, you forget just how annoying he was in Chamber of Secrets. Or how shy Ginny used to be. It's fun to dial it back for a while and live it all again.

I had completely forgotten about Ron and the plaque with Tom Riddle's name from the trophy room. That was a great little detail to throw in. You have quite a knack for working in little things that make the reader pause and remember.

All in all, another great chapter. Can't wait to see what you do with the faster-moving parts of the second book!

 Report Review

Review #43, by CambAngst Tempers and Time Mishaps

8th January 2012:
In my mind, I'm thinking of this chapter as a sort of intermission between the first and second years. Still, there were some useful and interesting things that popped up.

First off, it was great to see the older generation. I thought you did a terrific job of characterizing Ron, Hermione, Harry and Ginny's reactions to the kids going missing for so long. The four of them felt just right, with exactly the right amounts of pique and the right triggers for their anger. Molly also made a good peace-maker to resolve the situation -- and allow the story to continue into second year before everyone wound up grounded.

Now I'm very curious about how Teddy smooths things over with the adults. It seems like he has quite a challenge on his hands. There are certain things inherent in Ron's letters that are going to be touchy subjects for the adults.

I noticed a few little ticky-tack things you might want to take a look at:

"Do you think those last letters told the entire truth or that it was more of an interpretation of Uncle Ron,?" - you need to delete the comma before the question mark.

"Rose responds, loosing whatever control..." - I think you meant "losing".

One last thing, and I almost feel bad bringing it up, but the sentence from Buffy that you worked into Ron's dialog... ugh, not so good.

But overall, this was a wonderful pause in the middle of a great story. I look forward to continuing!

 Report Review

Review #44, by CambAngst The game of life and death

8th January 2012:
Tremendous! The first 8 chapters of this story were brilliant, and this one was simply the icing on the cake. Your retelling of Ron, Hermione and Harry's adventure to save the stone from Voldemort was so well done! Based on your author's note, I was guessing that you wound up having to lift sizable pieces of dialog from the book, but after reading it all the way through I had to use the browser to find the asterisks, so it was barely noticeable.

I've hit on this in a few earlier reviews, but if there's any one thing I can find to critique, it's that your dialog sometimes sounds too formal for kids the age that Al, Lily, Rose and Hugo are supposed to be in this story. It's not a big thing, but every once in a while I'm reading along and it sort of jolts me back to reality and I have to re-engage.

Aside from that, I noticed that all four kids had a somewhat muted reaction to their parents' injuries. Maybe after the earlier scenes they're just getting a little tired, or in Hugo's case hungry, but I think I might have expected Al and Lily to react a little more strongly to seeing their father unconscious in a hospital bed.

Overall, this story has been a tour de force so far, and I'm looking forward to year two. Ginny! Yes, we get to read about Ginny! So excited. I'll say this much, and I don't say it lightly: this story is sneaking up on Delicate on my mental list of favorite Next Gen fics. Well done!

 Report Review

Review #45, by CambAngst Boys (and girl) versus Dragon

8th January 2012:
OK, back for another chapter!

So this was a fun little stroll through a part of Sorcerer's Stone that I honestly didn't remember that well. For some reason, I wanted to place the whole Norbert incident in Chamber of Secrets, but then I thought about it and remembered how Hagrid got the egg in the first place. So thanks for helping me clear that up in my mind!

I loved the precautions Ron orders Ginny to take with the letter. That was really clever! Again, it's interesting to see the difference between how events actually took place and how they've been conveyed to the younger generation in your story. I think it's a very realistic touch. An adult telling these stories to their children most likely would have cut to the chase or perhaps even forgotten some of the less important details.

The dynamic between Ron and Hagrid when Norbert bites Ron was well done. Hagrid was definitely one to generalize his disregard for his own health and safety onto those closest to him. It's endearing and a bit scary.

I couldn't see any spelling or grammar errors in this chapter, so good on you!

 Report Review

Review #46, by themissingpotter Spiders and Snake

7th January 2012:
Nice take on the second year. I would love to have the children confront the parents about what happened, but more in a supportive way. I think they understand a little more of their parents, and why they are the way they are today.

Author's Response: Thank you so very much for this.
Second year was the worst because I'm not a huge fan of it (it's my least favorite book of the series) so it was kind of hard at times to go back on the story and try to find the interesting bits.

You understand perfectly where I am going with the confrontation. It will definitly be more supportive than accusating because now the kids know more about what their parents went through and they understand why they left some things in the dark.
I hope the next chapter will be up to your expectations! Thanks again!


 Report Review

Review #47, by Hlove56 Finding the box

7th January 2012:
I really like how you've written this. It flows nicely and I like the story.

Author's Response: Thanks very much for the review, I'm glad you enjoyed the opening chapter!

 Report Review

Review #48, by CambAngst The hard lessons of self-control

7th January 2012:
I think this might be the last chapter I get to today, but this has been a really enjoyable ride!

Wow. The scene in the dormitories is really heart-breaking, both for Harry and his kids. It's amazing to imagine Al and Lily getting this kind of insight into their father. Just overwhelming to try to put yourself in their place.

The scene where Ron is replaying his confrontations with Malfoy… Hmmnnn, I'm not quite sure. The notion of the "thought balloons" seemed like a bit of a stretch to me. I love the idea of helping the kids understand why their parents dislike Scorpius's father, I just think there was probably a better way to go about it. But that's mostly just my personal preference. Al's statement that begins with "I can only agree with that" and ends with "I cannot ask them to accept him like a son" also sounds way too formal for a teenager.

"I know you can get pass any puzzle life throws at you." I think you meant to say "past" here.

I'll try to do some more reading tonight. Really looking forward to another chapter!

 Report Review

Review #49, by CambAngst The Rejected-Boys' Christmas

7th January 2012:
This just keeps getting better and better. Another really fantastic chapter!

First up, two nit-picky things:

1 - "I already know what it's going to be like with the Dursleys, and I know things can't be worst here." - I think you mean to say "worse here".

2 - "'I'm really touched by my father's actions,' Hugo beams" - This sounds very formal for a teenager.

Moving along, the discussion the next gen kids have about the Dursleys is really touching, especially Al and Lily. If I was going to suggest one thing, it would be to actually form the paragraph that starts with "Hugo's words" and ends with "the only real family he has" into actual dialog, either spoken or "inner dialog" for either Al or Lily. I think it would hit home even more that way.

"Mister Creevey's brother" This made me giggle and feel kind of sad at the same time. And the idea that there's now a history book dedicated to the second wizarding war is pretty cool!

I just can't get enough of this story! It's hard to force myself to stop and make notes for my reviews. But I will persevere!

 Report Review

Review #50, by CambAngst Bravery comes in tiny packages apparently

7th January 2012:
You know, you didn't make it very easy to be a reviewer for this chapter, because there's really nothing at all I could suggest to improve it. It was superbly well done.

It was great to read the kids' reaction to seeing their uncle Fred alive and he and George being their old, mischievous selves. Fred turns into a bittersweet topic in most fan fics because we all know what happens to him. I thought that you hit just the right note of acknowledgment before moving on and telling an enjoyable version of his and Fred's antics.

I also thought you did a good job with the trio's first Quidditch match. It would have been easy to let the next gen kids notice what Hermione was doing, but it also wouldn't have been very realistic in a stadium full of students. Sometimes restraint is the key to great storytelling, and you do a great job of not getting your characters into unrealistic situations just because they're there.

On to another chapter. This is fun!

 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login

<Previous Page   Jump:     Next Page>