Reading Reviews for Helix-Breaker
  
41 Reviews Found

Review #26, by LADIDADIDADIDAAAA Sleeper

28th July 2012:
LADIDADIDADIDA! Hi, it's me again. And this time I'm serious. You really really really abos-tively posi-lutely need to make more chapters! I really want you to finish the rest of this series, because I LOVE IT! Thanks.

Author's Response: Hah, hah. It's so nice to hear that you're enjoying this story! :) Thank you for dropping by to leave some reviews. I was so surprised when I woke up this morning to all these new reviews. The next update will be soon!

Aether


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Review #27, by granger_ Sleeper

28th July 2012:
Very good chapter can't wait for the next one :D

Author's Response: Thanks so much for dropping a review! I'm glad you came back. Next chapter should be out soon. :)

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Review #28, by LADIDADIDADIDAAAA Making Contact

28th July 2012:
LADIDADIDADIDA! So far I really like this series. It's funny, exciting, and it connects to the actual Harry Potter series! Please make more chapters so that I can read the rest of the story.

Author's Response: I'm so happy to hear that you're enjoying this! Thank you so much for your review! I'm hoping to get the next chapter out soon. :)

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Review #29, by SilentConfession Mistake

19th July 2012:
Hi!

I'm here for you review request :D

So i think i like where you're going with this, it's a great idea actually and i love the plot that will be moving it forwards. I think the idea of the gene pool being small has been mentioned in the books before by Sirius, however although it may not be necessary novel, it doesn't seem that many people have acted upon it. I love how it's Hermione who is going to be pushing these changes into the society and it makes sense, characterization wise, that she'd do it. She hates inequality and fights for change and so i think you did a good job at presenting that part of personality. The whole genetics thing is a great idea though and i do like where you're going. I love when authors mix in muggle medicine and ideas with the magical ones. So what you have going here is really great in that aspect and will be enough conflict for later chapters.

I think it's interesting how you've made the ideas of pureblood supremacy so prevalent in the Ministry and that the war didn't seem to change that. I can see how the war might might it go both ways (that is, they are either being overly nice to them, which typically happens after wars against a minority group, or that it goes the other way and it doesn't change things and the majority just get scared and try to hang onto their power because they feel it slipping away.) However, i'd really need to see why the war didn't change things, that is a lot harder for me to believe without some kind of explanation to why it's like that. I also find it a bit hard to believe that the whole Ministry would be against her. I don't know how close you are going to canon, but we do know that she did get a job in the Ministry and no matter if she's muggleborn or not, she helped save the wizarding world. That's hard to write off and i'd almost see everyone in uproar if the Ministry dare do that. i'd like to see more motivation to their denial of her. This will make it easier to follow and more believable.

Just a note as to my above comment, i did love how she reacted to the whole thing and i think you wrote that really well.

The break-up. Hm. I'm a little hesitant to believe it myself at the moment. I felt like there just had to be more because i didn't really believe that Harry and Hermione would kiss, even under the influence. I suppose since it's such a big part of the books i felt like it needed a little more explanation. I'm all up for not having Hermione/Ron but it seemed too rushed here. However, i did like Harry and Hermione's reaction to it and how they talked about it and how Harry was making light of it. I thought that part was very well done and well written.

You have an interesting start here and i think it has potential to go somewhere really neat :D Thanks for requesting me and i hope you found my comments helpful. Feel free to re request if you'd like. :D

Author's Response: I guess I hadn't thought about explaining how the war changed society much. Looking back, I really should have, though. That's really the major way that my story is diverging from the canon Epilogue. Thanks - I will definitely go back and add a paragraph about that now.

The reason the whole ministry seems to be against her is VERY well explained later. It's sort of going to be her main opposition. :) I'm hoping that people will hold that skepticism until the third chapter, when that becomes clearer.

The break up? Meh. It's pretty important to the story, and I'm sorry that it's not believable. I tried to make it believable - I even included alcohol in the equation. I tried to stress how lonely they were and how awful the kiss felt. However, I think it's generally weird for people to think about Hermione and Harry kissing, when they seem sort of like brother and sister in the books. I personally don't think friends of the opposite sex can ever completely become like brother and sister. There's always going to be some awareness of the possibility. They aren't attracted to each other, but they love each other. I think that's something meaningful, and it could lead them to try it out, under certain circumstances. Maybe in a few weeks I'll have a better perspective and can make it more realistic.

Thank you so much for your very helpful review! I'm glad you think my story has potential. :)

Aether


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Review #30, by academica Making Contact

18th July 2012:
Hi! I'm here with another requested review!

The characterization in this chapter seems much more realistic, and I like the action in this chapter. The story definitely seems to be picking up speed!

It was interesting to see Blaise in a position of power over Draco, and I like the little twist with Pamela. The flow of that section seemed to drag a little for me, though, perhaps because of the prolonged discussion of Draco's former beliefs. Since we're all familiar with canon and know how non-Dramione Draco would probably feel about Hermione, you maybe could take some of that out, if other reviewers are reporting the same issue.

While I really liked your description in the Alley scene, the way that Harry and Hermione were so observant of everything in such a chaotic situation seemed a little off to me. I could certainly see them realizing things like the Unbreakable Vow and the way the attackers had to wait before re-firing curses after the fact, maybe while reflecting on the scene and catching Hermione up after her awakening. In the moment, though, I would think that they would be more concerned with getting out of harm's way and act much more confused.

Overall, I think this is good, and the plot seems to still be heading in an interesting direction. Good job, and I hope this review is helpful :)

-Amanda

Author's Response: Hi Amanda! I'm glad you think my characterization is realistic. I've been anxious to add more action, and I'm glad I had a chance to do that this chapter because it's more of my element. :)

Hmmm... I hadn't thought of Draco's beliefs being repetitive. I guess I was worried people would assume a Dramione Draco, and I didn't want them to be surprised when he acts antagonistically towards her. Also, he's sort of conflicted at this point. He strongly dislikes Hermione, but at the same time he doesn't want to have anything to do with all the fanatical stuff the Dark Lord was involved in. He just wants to live his life away from everything that reminds him of the war - including Britain. He wasn't expecting to be working for the Department in Britain.

I'll go back and look at that, though. I worry that sometimes I'm explaining things too much, but it's hard to find a balance.

I agree with you about the Alley scene. I'll take away some of the description from the part where they are fighting intensely. That's really unrealistic, and I can see what you mean.

Thank you so much for your reviews. They are always so helpful! :)

Aether


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Review #31, by megthechef43 Making Contact

16th July 2012:
Aether,

I like where your story is going. I hope you continue to write this story. I can't wait to see how Hermione and Draco's paths cross.

I'll be reading on...

Megthechef43

Author's Response: Hi Megthechef43! I'm glad you're enjoying this story. :) Thank you so much for leaving a review!

Aether


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Review #32, by daretodream Making Contact

15th July 2012:
That was intense!

So, wow. Zabini is a jerk, huh?

I really do love the way you're entwining Draco and Hermione's lives, but the plot is still clearly the center of the story.

I also like how you explored Harry's power a little bit more in this chapter. I've always believed that magic is really limitless, and so I like that there is something indefinable about the things he is able to do in a crisis situation.

I loved your battle scene. It was just descriptive enough to get everythihng across that needed to come across, but it also moved quickly enough that I didn't lose interest.

I was so worried about Pamela, because she didn't have any way to defend herself. I also appreciated the connection that she was Pansy's older sister. That was really interesting and a good connection to the characters we already know and love.

Great job!

~Cassie

Author's Response: Yup! I love adding my own bits to canon. Also, I've always thought that someone in the Slytherin dorms had to see Draco for who he was. Slytherin is the house of the cunning, and Draco just struck me as insecure and childish in his bullying. Blaise is more subtle and cunning - which is scarier. Also, his family is historically neutral, I think, so that would make him less likely to buy into Draco or Voldemort. He's his own man.

Draco and Hermione will collide very soon. Maybe in two chapters. I'm not sure yet. I don't want to rush it.

Harry's power has also always been a bit out of control, like third year when he blew up his aunt. I've always wanted to explore that more. It's got to be something more than accidental magic, especially since accidental magic is supposed to only happen before Hogwarts.

Glad you liked my battle scene. Pamela was tough. I don't want to start giving her Mary Sue characteristics, and I guess being able to dodge spells might be leaning towards that category. But, she was a gymnast, and that's significant for later parts of the story.

Thank you for your reviews!

Aether



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Review #33, by daretodream Squib Encounter

15th July 2012:
Wow.

So this chapter contained a lot more information than the last one.

I appreciated a bit more of the closure between all of the relationships. I'm glad that Ron didn't just leave, never to talk to Hermione or Harry again, because as you said, they went through a war together, and that's not the sort of thing that you just forget about.

I also liked the Harry/Ginny reunion, and that it came with you stating that Ginny wasn't the same that she used to be. To me, that was really important, because it told the reader that it was intentional.

I'm surprised, but not disappointed, that Pamela had already done some of the research about genetics and sent it to the Ministry. Though genetics is a fairly new concept, I find it hard to believe that Squibs wouldn't go looking for an explanaton for why they don't have magic. That Pamela was involved in science explained the path that she went about it.

I also appreciate the way you gave us an introduction to where Draco is and didn't just throw him into the story with no explanation as to where he has been and what he has been doing.

Fabulous!

~Cassie

Author's Response: Glad you liked the last scene I added with Ron and Hermione. I wasn't originally going to have it, but I felt like the closure was necessary. After that, the scene sort of wrote itself.

Ginny has a lot of stuff going on that ties directly into the plot of the story, but I don't want to spoil things for anyone so I won't talk anymore. ;) Needless to say, her OOC-ness, while annoying for Ginny lovers, is very understandable, considering her situation.

I have a lot on Pamela right now. I know that if I grew up in a world of magic, and I was denied it, then I'd probably turn to the next best thing. She's come to see science as even superior to magic because it can be explained. Magic, in comparison, isn't tangible and wizards and witches don't know a whole lot about it.

I'm happy to hear you liked Draco's introduction! :) Thanks for your review.

Aether




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Review #34, by daretodream Mistake

15th July 2012:
Hello!

So, I'm really interested in the concept of the story you have here. I've always loved genetics.

I also laughed out loud when I realized that in at least one way, we think a lot alike. In a later chapter of my story, the entire basis of one of my characters is a muggleborn witch who didn't want to join the magical world. I love that Hermione had that thought process, because in her situation, I don't know how it could not even occur to someone.

Though I love Ron/Hermione as a couple, I can see that it is plausible how they broke up. Ron would be the type who would want someone like his mother, even if he did love Hermione. And what happened between Harry and Hermione, though not, as you said, typical fanon, I believe could also be plausible between two best friends, if not necessarily exactly how they are portrayed in canon.

This genetic basis has the potential to be really interesting, and I can't wait to see what happens next! Great job!

~Cassie

Author's Response: I know! I just finished reading/reviewing your story, and I saw a few parallels that made me laugh out loud. :) Even our battle scene was sort of similar (same color curse hits arm). Hah, hah. Great minds, right?

I think that, especially since there's so much racism in the wizarding world, leaving is something Muggleborns like Hermione might consider.

I've always seen Ron and Hermione as a good couple, but I think that if it hadn't been for the way circumstances made them such great friends, they never would have gotten together. I've never been that big of a fan of the couple, but I've really tried to do them justice in this story, and I'm glad you thought it was plausible. I was worried that my bias might affect how I portrayed their relationship.

I'm glad you find the genetic basis of my story interesting! Thank you for your review. :)

Aether


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Review #35, by granger_ Making Contact

14th July 2012:
Please update soon love to read more of this story I loved the way Harry casually said he was going to collapse then he did lol

Author's Response: Thanks for your review! I'm glad you liked the ending. :)

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Review #36, by apocalypse Mistake

14th July 2012:
Hey! This is apocalypse, here with your review!

Okay firstly, I really like your banner for the story! It's beautiful. If I'd found this story myself, I would've read it upon seeing that banner. :D

Hmm, you're right, this is not your typical Dramione. At first, I had thought it would be but then I realised that it had a different base. I liked those romantic Dramiones a lot but I've been bored by those cliches so it's nice to see you taking on something different. It's a great idea!

Okay, the first thing I wanted to talk about was the reason for Ron breaking up with Hermione. Why Harry? When I read it, I didn't really like the idea of Ron breaking up with Hermione because of Harry. It's a creative idea but somehow, it doesn't really fit with their canon characters in my mind. I suppose you could've easily created an OC and that would've been easier to digest than Harry and Hermione. :) I hope you know what I mean.

Anyway, apart from that I really liked your characterization of Hermione. She's the same Hermione but you've added you own little twist to her by making her indifferent to the Wizarding World so it's going to be interesting reading her character in this story. Can't wait to see what you do with her. :)

Hmm, moving on to the actual plot. Honestly, I don't think I actually understand that part. I know it's only the first chapter and it takes time to develop the plot and hit the topic but I still couldn't really wrap my head around a few things. For instance, I did not understand the deal with the Purebloods. Why is Hermione so worried about them? What are they doing to make her worried? And then, I don't think you really mentioned why she isn't getting a decent job. I mean, she's clearly qualifies enough to get a decent enough job if not be the Minister for Magic. But she can atleast acquire something worthwhile. I don't think I got the reason for that.

Aside from those things, your chapter flowed pretty well. I really liked the way you brought in your knowledge of genetics and applied that in your story. I haven't ever thought of the Purebloods in that way so it was very interesting for me to read. Though there's one thing. I'm a Bio student so I can understand the terms you used like 'autosomal recessive gene' and stuff like that. But for a reader who has no idea what that is, it's hard to comprehend. What you could is make Hermione explain all that to Harry but in more simpler words and with more detail. It would be easier for everyone to understand. :) I hope you know what I mean.

Well, this is it from me at the moment. I'll only be reviewing this one chapter at the moment but you can feel free to re-request for the second one. :) I hope you liked this review and that it helped you in any way it could. Until next time, Good Luck and Happy Writing! :)

-Cal

Author's Response: I'm glad you like my banner! Heartplague at TDA made it, and it's perfect for my story. I can sort of see where you're coming from about being uncomfortable with some of my plot devices. I'm exploring parts of the wizarding world and the Golden Trio that have been mostly ignored by fanfiction. I don't think I'm being terribly OOC, especially in comparison to some of the very wacky (but also popular) Dramiones I've read.

I don't understand how, in any interpretation of the books, Hermione could get a good ministry job right after Hogwarts. Rita Skeeter referred to Hermione in The Daily Prophet (book four) as 'the Muggleborn,' as if it's a defining characteristic. Everyone accepted that. They also have the Wizengamot, which in my interpretation is basically a board of all the old pureblood families that get to make a bunch of important decisions about the wizarding world. Purebloods run society, so why should they ever allow Muggleborns to threaten that power?

I've taken things a step further though. There's a strong belief by even the least prejudiced of purebloods that Muggleborns are the cause of all their problems with Squibs and 'magical decline.' We don't really learn about the Ministry in the course of the seven books, but the part towards the beginning of the chapter will turn out to be a simplistic but true reason why the ministry won't hire Muggleborns. They DON'T want a charismatic and accomplished Muggleborn to change anything. However, Hermione is not willing to settle for a very low-class job at the Ministry that a pureblood with two NEWTs could get because she knows it would be impossible to accomplish the changes she wants to make at the Ministry from that position. She also won't look in the private sector because it's her goal to change the ministry. She's spent the last seven years at Hogwarts defying what should be possible - why shouldn't she be stubborn in her goal?

She sees this new discovery about purebloods as a way to change the anti-Muggleborn beliefs of society. Muggleborns, according to Muggle genetics, are healthy for pureblood family lines. Thus, with this new discovery she could destroy the basis for pureblood prejudice.

The part with Hermione, Harry and Ron love triangle I totally understand. Harry and Hermione have a very platonic relationship in the books. However, the kiss was a total failure, and Harry and Hermione wouldn't have even had it if they hadn't been under other influences. They were both a low points in their lives, and having spent the last eight years as close friends, I don't think it's crazy for them to give it try. They are lonely and desperate for connections.

Harry and Hermione have a purely platonic relationship, and the failure of their kiss was very necessary to the plot of the story. Hermione and Harry's friendship will very sweet, and I don't want people picking up any sort of sexual tension to it. I really don't want readers to see their friendship as something that could turn into more as the story progresses. They don't have the chemistry, and it wouldn't work. I'm establishing this early. I'll keep mind what you said, but I don't really want to change that at this point. My third chapter that I'm about to post has parts that could get a reader thinking that Harry and Hermione might end up together at some point. They won't, and I'm hoping the first chapter emphasized that enough.

I will explain more about the genetics. I used that term for people like you who already know stuff about genetics. I don't want to intimidate readers. Thanks so much for your review. I'm glad I got your opinion! This review was very helpful. :)

Aether


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Review #37, by academica Squib Encounter

11th July 2012:
Hi! I'm here with your requested review :)

I think the plot here is moving along nicely. I still find the central theme of magic and genetics very interesting, and I agree that it's fascinating that magic should be a part of 'survival of the fittest' and yet the 'us versus them' attitude of purebloods keeps it from being as dominant as it could be. Magic always struck me as being sort of virulent anyway, since marriage between Muggles and wizards can so commonly result in magical children, so the whole idea is very intriguing. I'm interested to see what role Draco plays, too, although I must admit that his section seems a little tacked-on. It might have felt stronger and more 'intense' if you had opened with it instead.

One tiny technical correction - 'perspective' as its used here should be spelled 'prospective'. The other spelling/word implies a different meaning. Also, at the end of the section with Pamela, I would recommend separating her comment about already having figured out the genetic line from her comment about her name. You could maybe have her get up and walk over to a cabinet or something to make the break seem sensible. I just think it would add the necessary 'punch' to that line. Oh, and where Ron says "five words I rarely hear", you've only got four words in Hermione's sentence.

I know you said that some of your characterization isn't canon for a reason, but Ginny's portrayal struck me as being particularly off. I would just think that she would be a little more upset about Hermione fooling around with Harry, much less leaving Ron. After all, she has been after Harry for years, and has watched Hermione and Ron's relationship through most of its ups and downs. Additionally, it's tough for me to imagine her talking about her own brother so callously. It's your story, and you can write it however you want, but I would just be forewarned that some readers may not respond well to this characterization of Ginny. I don't necessarily think that just telling readers to be patient about it is really a good move, either - if people are turned off by the initial chapters to your story, they may not want to keep reading for your explanations. That's just something to consider.

That being said, though, I really like your other characters here. I like how Hermione isn't a total know-it-all and Ron isn't just an idiot sidekick. They've both got strengths and weaknesses. I also like Harry - I think you did a good job of keeping him from hogging the spotlight, and it's nice to see Hermione showing off her intellectual curiosity.

I think the flow here is nice, and I like that you're taking time to introduce characters and explore their interactions against the backdrop of the genetics storyline. This review might seem a little critique-heavy, but I do think the story is interesting, and I hope you'll consider some of what I've suggested.

Good work! I hope this review is helpful :)

-Amanda

Author's Response: I didn't realize the Muggles and wizards marrying result in magical children so often. This is concerning because it would go against Hermione's theory about the inheritance of magic. In my story, if a Muggle married a wizard, there would be a high chance that the child would not be magical. Is this something you picked out of the books or just fanfiction after the fact? Actually, I sort of think that JKR knows a lot about genetics, because she set up a trait and showed inheritance patterns that fit a certain Muggle genetic inheritance (autosomal recessive). But that doesn't really matter, and it will be explained later. I think in chapter four I'll get into that.

Your idea about Draco's part is right-on. I did tack it on suddenly after realizing that I should have introduced him sooner. Thank you for your suggestion!

I will also make edits about the Pamela part. I realized after reading it that some things came off a bit awkwardly. Ginny is very OOC because of something major going on in her life that ties directly into the central plot. I feel like it's too late at this point to change that, and I'm sorry about alienating readers who wanted to see more of JKR's Ginny Weasley. I didn't really think of those things when plotting my novel. I'll try to add more hints about how a major event has effected her. I think in chapter four I'll start getting into it.

Yay! I'm glad you like my characters. I'm also happy to hear you don't think Harry's hogging the spotlight. I'm used to writing Harry-centric stories, so I thought that might actually be an issue for me.

Thank you so much for your very helpful review!

Aether


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Review #38, by Bree Squib Encounter

7th July 2012:
Your plot is so genius! I'm loving it! Keep up the good writing please :)

Author's Response: Thank you! It means so much to hear from a reader. :) You really just made my day!

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Review #39, by academica Mistake

28th May 2012:
Hi there! I'm here with your requested review :)

I really like the way you began this story, with Hermione staring into the sea of bodies and wishing she had never gone to Hogwarts. I thought that part included some good description and it made for an interesting start. I also liked your characterization. I felt like Harry, Hermione and Ron all fit into how I might expect them to be, except for the part where Harry was talking to Draco. You make it sound like they were chatting casually, and I don't think they would up being great friends, so that may require an explanation.

My main critique is that I was just left kind of confused by this chapter. I felt like there were some fairly large plot points that you might have been better off explaining in the main plot rather than in an author's note. For one, I think the idea of muggleborns being essential to the survival of the wizarding world has been referenced before in the series, back when someone (Hagrid, maybe? Or Sirius?) was talking about how most purebloods aren't really 'pure' in the sense that they just cover up the Muggle ties in their families. If you want your plot to hang on that idea as a new one, I think you'll need to add something, or at least explain why it's so novel. Also, I don't really understand why the world is set up as it is, why it's so hard for Hermione as a Muggleborn to make progress for herself, so I think that needs some explanation. Finally, this is a finer detail, but -- why did Harry and Ginny break up? I think adding in this information will make your plot easier to follow.

I didn't see too many technical mistakes here, and I think the chapter flowed without much trouble. Thus, I think your writing style is good. To me, it's just the content here that could use some work. Once you add in that missing information, I think you've got the makings of an interesting story :)

Good job! I hope this review is helpful!

-Amanda
Recenseo 2012

Author's Response: I'm glad you liked the start of the chapter. I just added that whole part in after a previous reviewer told me I needed more description.

I agree completely with your part about Harry talking to Draco. I guess I decided when I was writing that they had become buddies. That definitely interferes with my first chapter though... Hmm.. I think I'll maybe take that part out and mention it later, when I have more time to explain it.

I don't completely understand your main critique though, which makes me think that I shouldn't have ended the first chapter with Hermione's statement (I probably should add more of an explanation into it). I'm talking about genetics here, as the main point of my story, not the fact that purebloods might have a bit of muggle blood in their bloodlines.

The issue, as Harry points out through his dialogue with Draco Malfoy is that more squibs are being born in the pureblood community and pureblood wizards/witches have less power than they used to have. This, Hermione realizes after Harry's off-hand comment, could be explained by Muggle genetics. Because the purebloods are inter-marrying they have very little genetic diversity. This in turn causes the birth of more squibs and the decrease in magic among purebloods. (I don't really feel in a technical mood right now, but I will be explaining the Muggle genetics behind this at some point in the story). Purebloods marrying among purebloods is, according to Muggle genetics, a terrible plan. The solution to all the problems the purebloods are facing, with squibs and magical power decreasing, could be solved by marrying muggleborns.

I'm thinking now that I should go back and add more to Hermione's final statement, as well as amend Harry's mention of Draco. Thanks so much for your review! It was very helpful. :)

Aether


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Review #40, by dirtydeedsdonedirtcheap Mistake

23rd May 2012:
Hello! Dirtydeedsdonedirtcheap here with your requested review. I haven't done requested reviews in quite some time so please if bear with me!

Let's get started!

Fed up with the circus act that was the ministry, she had decided to visit her best friend. Harry had been moping over his break-up with Ginny. Hermione hadn't been in the mood to come home to Ron after their argument, and she'd just needed to be with someone who wouldn't ask questions. Harry was that kind of friend.

^ Okay. So a few things I've noticed after reading this. For one you lack description. You're telling us but you're not showing us. Your transitions need to be fixed up as well and you need to dig just a little bit deeper. Pretend that we know nothing about these characters, who is Harry? How would we know he's Hermione’s best friend?

It was wet, and sour from the alcohol. Neither enjoyed the kiss, but they kept going, afraid that if they stopped they’d somehow lose all connections to the world.

^ This is the description that I'm looking for! One of the best parts of the piece. It's deep and it explains why they wouldn’t want to break apart. They're both struggling, Hermione in her relationship with Ron and Harry after separating from Ginny.

The man had moved to the couch, and despite the pain the pressure probably caused, his hands were pressed against his face, with his eyes squeezed shut.

^ My biggest issue with this part is 'the man.' It makes it sound like we don't know it's Harry, as if it's a different man. Try using 'Harry' or 'he' in place of 'the man.'

Hermione stiffened. She pierced her lips. "This isn't your fault, Harry!" It came out high at the end. "Ron and I were fighting a lot, and well, I wasn't happy. I think a part of me knew that. We would have ended sooner or later." Hermione knew what this was. It was a natural human psychological response used to the loss of something held dear. Switch around your memories and feelings to protect your ego and make the sudden loss easier by downplaying its significance. But Hermione couldn't last long under Harry’s unwavering gaze. She cracked.

This entire section is confusing and squished together. It needs to be broken up into two or three. Try out:

Hermione stiffened. She pierced her lips. "This isn't your fault, Harry!" It came out high at the end. "Ron and I were fighting a lot, and well, I wasn't happy. I think a part of me knew that. We would have ended sooner or later."

Hermione knew what this was. It was a natural human psychological response used to the loss of something held dear. Switch around your memories and feelings to protect your ego and make the sudden loss easier by downplaying its significance.

But Hermione couldn't last long under Harry's unwavering gaze. She cracked.

^ Breaking it into three parts makes it easier to understand because it kind of jumps out of nowhere the whole 'human psychological' part. There needs to be more description here as well. Try to dig deeper into the emotions.

"We'd make a lousy couple," She said abruptly.

^ 'She' should not be capitalized it's 'she.'

"My mouth tastes like cotton balls and battery acid," Harry said.

^ Instead of 'Harry said' try 'said Harry.'

"How would you know what battery acid tastes like?"

"Oh, shut it. Unless you want to kiss me again and find out?"

Silence.


^ I liked the banter. I thought it was really funny and would have liked to see some more of it. The 'silence' part I thought could have been developed further. Try describing the look on Hermione's face, was she repulsed by what he said? I gather she was but how can we know when all we get is 'silence,' elaborate.


"I mean that the purebloods really seem very serious about the importance of saving their dwindling population. Fewer babies are being born, there is less power among purebloods, and there are more squibs. What if genetics have something to do with it? I mean, just today I was talking with that stuck up Draco Malfoy about the 'crisis' of magical decline. I was telling him it’s all these senseless wars we're having that are just killing everyone off, but he was making the argument that it was actually Muggleborns integrating into society and messing up their magical cores..."

^ This is hard to read because it's just a big chunk of Harry going on and on. There are no pauses. I would have liked for you to maybe cut him off for a second, maybe have Hermione question what he's saying or what would have been even better was to give us her reaction.

Example:

"I mean that the purebloods seem very serious about the importance of saving their dwindling population. Fewer babies are being born, these is less power among purebloods, and there are more squibs," Harry paused for a moment to collect his thoughts. "What if genetics have something to do with it?"

Hermione raised her eyebrows, trying to process what he was saying but she was quickly coming to her own conclusion.

"Just today I was talking with that stuck up Draco Malfoy..."

Etc, etc. Those little things make the story more interesting and readable.


You were worried if this was cliche. Nope. It's not so far. No one ever mentions genetics and a struggle with finding a job after the war for muggleborns. That's actually quite an interesting concept. I think you have a good grasp on genetics. My biggest critique is just:

Try adding more descriptions.
Dig a little deeper into emotions and the dialogue.

Other than that I think you have a very original concept! Good luck. I hope my review was helpful since I'm very rusty. Feel free to PM me if there's a problem!

- Deeds

Author's Response: First, I want to start out by saying that this is literally one of the best reviews I've ever received. Thank you so much for all your critique.

I'm going to go back either today or tomorrow and fix up this chapter. I completely agree with everything you said. I think I was being driven by the plot, more than the writing. I could definitely add more description into this first chapter. I guess I was trying to rush things a bit and didn't want the first chapter to end up being too long. But, never mind that! I like my 5,000 word chapters from my last story. :)

Thank you, thank you, thank you! Your review was very helpful and inspiring.

Aether



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Review #41, by Helicase Mistake

21st May 2012:
Fascinating and unique. Looking forward to seeing where it goes!

Author's Response: Thank you for the review. I'm glad to hear you're reading! A new chapter will be up soon. :)

Aether


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