Peter Pettigrew... human? I never would've suspected it, lol. You did an excellent job in this chapter, with the encounter with Lucius and how intimidated he was at first, and how James, Sirius, and Remus didn't know he was missing. Great chapter, looking forward for the next one.Author's Response: Thanks. :-) Peter was the hardest to write, but I'm glad you like how I pulled it off. Report Review
Excellent job. I loved reading Remus' thoughts... and it's great how you can switch from Sirius to James to Remus so quickly. I really imagine Remus feeling this way, especially about Lily and Sirius. Great job.Author's Response: It's difficult to switch POV's like this and it's taken a while between chapters to get the right 'feel' for each of the Marauders. I'm so glad to hear that you like this story. Thanks for the review! Report Review
Ahh... I really liked this chapter, and I like how you wrote James and the budding relationship with Lily. Good job, off to read the next chapter.Author's Response: Thank you for the great review. I enjoyed writing this chapter the most because James' character really turned out wonderfully in it. Report Review
Hey there! I was shifting through the Random Story section of this site, and this popped up. It sounds pretty interesting so far, I like how you separated the chapters into each character's points of view. The way you wrote Sirius was pretty good... I liked it. Peter was alright, and James and Remus were good too. Oh, and nice touch with Bellatrix in there. Great job, off to read more!Author's Response: Thank you very much, dreamgazer220. It's great to hear that you liked it. :-) Report Review
I love how you start off this chapter – with him thinking back to a circumstance we do not yet know what he is talking about. I’ve always had a bit of a soft spot for Peter, and often feel sorry for him… this has made me feel even sorrier for him. Very few fics manage to delve into the minds of the marauders like you have, but even fewer seem to do it for Peter Pettigrew.
I love how you have him stating how unworthy he is, or telling us how he’s more of a Hufflepuff and why, or how, he became friends with the other marauders, because it’s so insightful into his character, and tells us much about him that we (the readers) have probably never even thought of before.
I love how he contradicts himself by saying he’s only worthy of Hufflepuff, but later proves himself to be worthy of Gryffindor. It makes me wonder how many of times he went through these situations, each time his moral fading slightly, before he did actually give in and join Voldemort. It shows that he is a true Gryffindor.
I enjoy how it’s Malfoy who seems to have been bullying all those years, and how Peter – for the moment – fights back, and refuses his offer. As already said, it shows how Gryffindor worthy he really is, and also makes me consider what he must think and feel now – after OotP. Of the four, this one has to be my favourite chapter.
One thing I might suggest changing is the amount of contemplation he does; I know he’s just survived a terrible ordeal, but I, for some reason, never imagined him to be a reflective and contemplative person… although I could be wrong. I guess what I mean is that it’s supposed to be him speaking, yet some of the phrases or words used seem to be something more of what Sirius, Remus or you may use; “ While they lay resting in the arms of Morpheus” being my example.
Again, thank you for writing such a wonderful series of P.O.Vs, events, and chapters – they really are amazing, and yet each one is unique and insightful to their character. Thank you!
~QA2Author's Response: One thing I dislike in fanfiction is the way that Peter is portrayed as being weak and stupid, if he appears in stories at all. That's where this came from - it's all my frustration rolled up into a tidy story. Peter isn't stupid, he thinks a lot about what he does and how he fits, or doesn't fit, into the world around him. The poetic-sounding parts accidentally slipped in there, but I think that they perhaps show a different side of Peter - or maybe he just mimicks his friends in order to be more like them. Once again, I want to thank you for reading this and giving me these amazing reviews. :-) They've been a tremendous help to me. Report Review
I love how you go from James’ fluffy, happy, and humorous chapter, straight to Remus’ dank and dark thoughts of loneliness and contemplation of Peter and the mysterious bullies – it really makes Remus’ thoughts stand out when they’re put back-to-back with James’.
I don’t quite understand why Remus’ is questioning the reasons why Peter is friends with them when we know that he later considers Sirius to be the traitor. Unless, of course, his emotions and thoughts change after the Snape incident change, which they obviously might.
It still does, though, seem a little strange that Remus is already questioning Peter’s motives for being their friends – if he’s thinking it then, it’s likely that he’s thought these thoughts before, and that means that he is at least a little suspicious of Peter. If he were suspicious of Peter for so long, then why would he think Sirius to be the traitor?
I think that you portrayed Remus’ thoughts, feelings and personality perfectly. I’ve always imagined him as an enclosed, lonely, and thoughtful. I also love how you show him afraid of the transformation, and the way he wishes James, Sirius, and Peter were there… and can imagine now as, when he wakes up, he finds out that Sirius betrayed him and almost purposefully let him kill somebody. I’m assuming this is why he considers Sirius as the traitor later.
One thing that confused me was how you wrote the scene with Sirius: the wording gave me the impression that Sirius’ parents had the dark mark, but I don’t think you meant it to seem that way. It might be a good idea to revise that bit (Apparently, they had entirely thrown their lot in with the dark wizard Voldemort.) and to make it a bit clearer that you’re not saying they had the dark mark; just that Regulus did.
As a last note I want to thank you for this; it really is wonderful to read for the different perspectives like this. First we had Sirius’ angst and contemplation, then James’ romance and humour, now Remus’ loneliness and thoughtfulness – I can’t wait to see what Wormtail has in store for us.
Author's Response: You're right, I wasn't entirely clear on all those things, especially the part about Sirius' family. I'll have to look back at that. The part where Remus changes his thoughts about Sirius will come in the future, in Severus' chapter (which will be about the "incident"). Some of the things you've stated here have actually given me an idea to write a sequel to this taking place just before Lily and James' death. Thank you very very much for your help and kind words. They not only help me to look at my own work more critically, but it also gets new ideas flowing. :-) Report Review
I want to start of by saying sorry for taking so long on this, and to thank you for waiting so long.
I absolutely loved this chapter. The characterization of both James and Lily is good, and it’s so romantic, yet humorous… amazing. I like how you start off with a focus: getting Lily to go to the Yule ball with him, and end it with her agreeing to go with him – it was like a mini-plot, which I suppose it is.
One thing I was a bit confused about is that he stopped tricking Snape and began working hard in his studies. I may be wrong, but I thought that Sirius said James continued this, but just didn’t “take Snivellus with them on dates”; in other words he did it behind Lily’s back? Although, I think that maybe he might have stopped for a while to try and win her over, so maybe your way is correct, and it was probably best written (romantic) how you did it, anyways.
I can’t really think of anything I’d suggest you change, because it all seems to flow perfectly, the characterization is excellent, and nothing seems out-of-canon. I do have a question, though: why do Sirius and Peter not have dates? I’m assuming it’s because they’re planning to go out with Remus around the grounds that night, but I couldn’t figure it out. That’s probably answer in later chapters, isn’t it?
Anyways, I just wanted to tell you that I loved the way this chapter is written, and I’m sorry that I haven’t given any CC, but I really have no idea what to comment on--I don’t think I’d change anything, it’s excellent as it is :).
~QA2Author's Response: First of all, a million thank yous for doing this for me; it was well worth the wait. The part about Snape is just a temporary thing for James to try to prove to Lily that he's "reformed" - he does go back to it after. Sirius didn't get a date because he couldn't decide on one (he prefers going stag) and Peter because he was too shy to ask for one. I really didn't want any OC's in this story to avoid confusion, so I just left out parts that they would normally be needed to fill. Once again THANK YOU so very much! Report Review
i like your version of peter. not many ppl like, for obvious reasons, and like you said "he is such a mistreated character is fanfiction and an unknown in canon". congrats on your effective portrayal of him. update soon!
(and come review mine!)Author's Response: Thank you very much, sandstar. :-) I'll try and get Lily's story up whenever I figure out what I want to focus on with her. If I have some time, I'll check out your story, too. Report Review
Ooooo... Poor Wormtail. I know he's a two-timing jerk in the future, but still, that's harsh.Author's Response: I feel bad for his current portrayal in fanfiction, so I wanted to justify his friendship with the Marauders and the fact that he was in Gryffindor. Thanks for your review, I'm glad you enjoyed the story. :-) Report Review
I thought that Sirius said that the actual Blacks weren't with Voldemort, they just shared his views. They weren't Death Eaters or anything, they just thought he was doing the "right thing."Author's Response: They did side with him as you say, but, in case you've forgotten, Regulus Black (Sirius' younger brother), became a Death Eater. Perhaps the problem is that you haven't yet read OotP. Report Review
James was a Seeker.Author's Response: James was not a seeker, not in canon. The movie put him in as a seeker, but JKR herself stated that he was a chaser, as I have him. Report Review
Sirius lived in 12 not 13. Good story, though!Author's Response: No, the Blacks lived in 12 Grimmauld Place. I did check first. Thanks anyway, but thanks for the review, I'm glad you enjoyed the story! Report Review
I think you depicted Wormtail perfectly. He is good, but slightly bad. He made one mistake, joining the dark lord, and it ruined his life. Its sad, and you are great at characterizationAuthor's Response: Yes, I agree with you: Peter isn't bad, he's just misguided. Thanks for the review. This chapter took a lot of work and I'm glad it paid off. =) Report Review
Poor Peter. He did become an...ahem...*beep* later on but this chapter shows that he still had courage and was loyal to his friends at Hogwarts. You did not make him out to be a bumbling idiot, and I thank you for that. Excellent job.
-RonAuthor's Response: I wanted to show Peter in a nicer light than most writers do, and luckily, it was successful. This chapter has a large amount of foreshadowing in it, but at the same time makes one feel a little sorry for Peter. Thanks for the great review, Ron. It's really appreciated. :-) Report Review
Poor Moony. You portrayed his emotions excellently, especially the parts about Lily and Sirius and being alone. Superb job.
-RonAuthor's Response: When writing this chapter, it nearly made me cry. Remus' situation is so heartbreaking. Thanks so much for reading and reviewing the entire story! Your compliments are inspiring me to want to write more. ;-) Report Review
That was a very sweet chapter, and I loved how James used the 'poetic, romantic crap' as Sirius put it. Very cute. Great job.
-RonAuthor's Response: This is my favourite chapter out of the collection so far. James is so adorably silly and his friends weren't much help, but it all worked out for him in the end. Thanks for reviewing, Ron. It's wonderful to hear from readers. Report Review
Excellent beginning. You described Sirius' emotions perfectly, and it was supported by canon. Everybody was in character.
Also, you didn't make the Marauders suspiciously hate him for no reason, that there was just something about him they didn't like. Great job.
-RonAuthor's Response: Thanks for the compliments, Ron. I'm hoping to revamp this chapter next month, but it's still great to hear that you enjoyed it. :-) Report Review
Hey there! I'm sorry I didn't get this out sooner, so here you go: *Instead of the dashes in the beginning of this chapter, try ( ) or [ ]. Although they're technically not interchangeable, [ ] are not used often and it's nice to give them a little go-around every now and then. : P *Again, with your first sentence (this may be a personal thing, but whatever) - you didn't write it chronologically. My suggestion, of course, is completely optional, but here's how I would do it: "Even after spending the summer at my best friend's house, it wasn't until I boarded the train to Hogwarts that I had left my family (horrible as they were, they are still family). *For a bit more dramatic effect, when you had Remus say, "You did what?" you can either add '?!' at the end of it or put the emphasized word in italics: "You did what?!" (Optional). *I'm not quite sure, but I think it’s "Prefects' carriage." It’s only a small thing that is quite possibly a typo, so there's little harm done. *Another personal thing: whenever I write dialogue, usually, if the sentence is relatively short but still has at least one comma in it, I break it up. Seeing as that's not much of an explanation, here's an example: "Poor thing, he's going to need some stitches for that one." He said stifling a laugh. Changes to: "Poor thing," he said stifling a laugh. "He's going to need some stitches for that one." Do you understand what I'm getting at? *It's another personal thing with "flow" - you really shouldn't start sentences with an adverb. Well, it's perfectly alright grammatically, but sometimes, it disrupts the "flow". *"Distracted by James’ devious plans, I took my mind of more serious subjects." Read that sentence and tell me if it sounds right...if it does, then bravo for you, but that makes me feel really stupid because I still don't get it. Although it is not bad grammar, the sentence contradicts itself - you called James' plans devious and later Sirius thinks of more "serious" things unless that was supposed to be sarcastic which isn't always good to use in writing such as these. *Faces aren't really bland...in my book at least. They blanch or pale. I usually use bland with tastes. ***Final analysis: Your plot development is good although your character development still needs a bit of work, but then again, this is only the first chapter. Seeing as you're a pretty good writer as it is, try using a more colorful vocabulary to spice things up. My only problem with your story is with the flow of dialogue between sentences. There are examples above if you haven't already looked and I hope my comments have helped you. Take this as a good report. ;) –JCAuthor's Response: *phew!* Thanks, JC. This is very in-depth and hugely helpful to me. It's the dialogue in this chapter that's hurts it the most. This is one of my earlier pieces and therefore needs the most work to get it up to par. Thanks so much for looking it over - it really means a lot. :-) Report Review
I enjoy that you’re giving us an insight into the minds of each marauder… I think this chapter is really good, and you have written all the marauders well, but there’s one or two things you might want to revise :).
I really like how you portrayed Peter; bruised, nervous and quiet, but I’m not sure if it should be as obvious as it is. If Peter were suspicious in any way, it’s unlikely that Sirius would ever make James switch to him being secret keeper. I did, however, like the interaction they had with Peter even though I’m not 100% sure it fits in with the future events. If you decide to revise this, I would suggest having him slipping in late or perhaps doing a few of the things mentioned (example: “Peter cringed and sunk further into his seat.”) discreetly… perhaps making it as though neither Sirius nor James noticed, but the reader would still know it happened. This way we can see a bit of the characterization of Peter, and one or two hints that he might turn, but the other marauders won’t have noticed.
I would also suggest adding a few more descriptions as, at the minute, the chapter seems mostly made up of dialogue. You have told us Sirius thoughts and feelings well, but haven’t described them very much…
“Would we? I asked myself as James began talking about the upcoming Quidditch season. There were rumours that this Lord Voldemort who was rising on the Continent hated Muggles and Mudbloods. His beliefs were that the only ones who should be trained in magic were purebloods. Even though I was a pureblood, as was James, I never agreed with Salazaar Slytherin’s point of view.”
It might just be me, but this, for instance, seems very direct and to the point… perhaps adding one or two adjectives in might help slightly, maybe something like exclamation marks and short phrases, to show signs or Sirius being nervous or angry… perhaps something like “I would die before I joined such a man!”, that’s not a very good example as I’m not very good with emotions and feelings myself, but short, snappy, strong phrases that catch the readers attention would probably good (though obviously not necessary).
And, before I forget, I think you also miss spelled “Salazar” in the quote above :).
Thanks for asking me to read this; I loved reading it and have been looking for an excuse to for a while now. Sorry I took so long in reviewing; between exams, studying and everything else that’s happening I haven’t had much time for the past week or so. I’ll try and get the next chapter done sometime today, but if I don’t get it done I’ll do it tomorrow… thanks and sorry for taking so long! :)
~QA2Author's Response: Thank you so incredibly much for looking at this! Such in-depth thoughts are exactly what I needed. I'll take a look at all those things and fix them up. I'm glad you enjoyed reading it as well. Thanks again! =) Report Review
bloody hell! that was worth the wait to say the least. you really looked well into pettigrew's mind.. its perfect. no wonder it took so long! you really explained him and his actions very well. great work!Author's Response: It was extremely hard to get into Peter's frame of mind - I didn't want to mess up on his portrayal. Thank you plenty for the wonderful review, trixytonks. I'm so happy to hear that you thought it was perfect. :-) Report Review
I was really looking forward to this update. Outstanding chapter! I really liked you using Morpheus Rather than the word dreams, because he's the god of dreams, lovely bit of imagery there. I love your different take on Peter, its definitely a view most people don't see Peter in, and you could almost pity him here, in this light. I think though the words; 'Perhaps I was a worthy of being a Gryffindor after all' really hit me, because he obviously didn't believe it in himself which is heart rending, and ultimately piteous. Excellent. ~LucidAuthor's Response: Thank you so very much, Lucid, for your encouraging words! That Morpheus part almost didn't make it, but it does reveal a hidden depth to Peter that few imagine. Poor Peter, too often I feel sorry for his plight rather than hate him, which is why this chapter came out this way. He just lacks self-confidence and is cruely used by too many. Report Review
Oh, Susan, I don't think I've ever read such a heartfelt chapter/story about Peter before. You've brilliantly captured him as he admits that he's just a follower and yet, you've given him strength against Lucius. I could just picture Lucius trying to manipulate Peter and the fact that he said, "No. Not now, not ever. I won’t help you..." made me so glad that you wrote this. You've shown a side of Peter that most authors ignore. His thoughts are haunting almost, but poetic-something I wouldn't normally associate with Peter, but it works. It flows well and I really loved it. I'm sorry if this doesn't really make sense, I'm gushing right now. On a side note, I did notice some grammatical errors, mostly in the beginning. First: Today, I chose the later because I owe something to the Marauders almost more than life itself. It hsould be "latter" not "later." Second: Did I have the word ‘idiot’ was written across my face? The "was" should be removed from that.
That's all I noticed for now. But I wasn't really paying attention to grammatical errors after I read deeper into the chapter. I think this project was done very well and I commend you on your efforts to get into the Marauders.Author's Response: *dances around with excitement* Oh wow, this has to be the best review I've EVER received. A thousand thank you's for this, Missy. I was angry with the way Peter is represented sometimes, so I decided to show that maybe he wasn't so horrible. The poetic-ness did some in once in a while, but it did fit, strangely enough. I have fixed those two mistakes you mentioned, thanks for pointing those out. Wow, this review makes me grin like a madwoman; thanks again, Missy. :-D Report Review
This chapter was really good. I found very little wrong with it. Descriptive, colorful, and everyone seemed to be in character. I was surprised by the appearance of Bella, but I liked your portrayal of her. Nice work!Author's Response: Thank you very much for looking it over. I saw your reviews for other stories and liked the way that you really went in-depth. It's a bit of a relief that you found this chapter to be really good, I keep worrying that it ruins the rest, but my worries are probably unfounded. Thanks again for the kind review. :-) Report Review
i really like this story, its interesting how you are doing it from everyones POV, and how you explain their fears. i love marauder stories, but not many of them try and explain the characters deeper feelings. its just generally 'who will we prank now?' this is really well done, looking forward to the next chapter!Author's Response: Thanks for the review. It's really almost strange to try and write from different POV's because each of the characters are so different. I'm working on Wormtail's chapter now; it should be up in a week or two. Report Review
Wow. I really like these chapters. Your portrayals are wonderful. At first I'm always a little confused as to who is speaking because of your first person view, but once I wrap my brain around it, it's okay. :D There's a few grammatical errors here and there, but they are minor. This is wonderful. Author's Response: Thanks for taking a look at this, jynx. Your words of advice and praise are inspiring to me - this fic has caused a huge outbreak of writer's block in my head. But once I get Peter in shape, it should work out fine. Thanks again! :-) Report Review
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