This is such a believable OC; you don't know how refreshing it is to find a character that's, well, normal. XD And not just average-normal, but realistically normal. Like I might find this girl at my school, y'know?
It's also different to have a Sirius that is not a player. :D Not exactly sure what I think of this - but you write so brilliantly that, even if it's not my preference, I'll keep reading.
... Oh dear, this review doesn't sound very compliment-ish, does it? 8D You're a wonderful writer!
And now it's complete ^-^Author's Response: That's great to hear about Eleanor. I tried to make her normal, but worried that I'd gone too far, making her exaggerated instead of realistic. :)
Sirius was harder to write. It's so easy to fall into the popular fanon version of him, hooking up with all the girls and seducing many more. :P Hopefully he turns out in a way you'll like.
Thank you very much! I'm glad you've liked the first chapter and were able to be complentish. ^_^ Report Review
I'm one of the many that didn't get the hints at all. I was kind of rushing through, just because I wanted to finish before I had to go so it was kind of easy to overlook them. Like Ellie, I just overlooked all the little things and was content to be confused. I think I'm going to read it again when I have the chance and this time I'll pick up on it!
I really did like it, though it was totally not what I was expecting!Author's Response: Content to be confused? That's a new way of describing it, but it does fit Ellie very well. At times she probably would have gone along with things longer, had she not walked in at a bad time. ;)
It's great that you did like it in the end, even if it wasn't what you were expecting. I made it different for that reason - to give it an unexpected ending. :D Thank you very much for taking the time to read and review! Report Review
I am terrified to review this. I know you're an amazing writer. This is sure to be amazing, so I'm scared.
The dialogue at the beginning is fabulous. It's believable & you used words other than "said" in a way that didn't distract me. side note: my shift key just broke. i won't be doing question marks or capital letters, etc. anyway. her line in response to... no quotation marks. her line in response to him asking if she wanted him to catch her fell flat for me after the first few lines of incredibly believable dialogue. it's too convenient, since he just almost missed a step, & i don't think i'm a huge fan of the exclamation point here. you might have had her say that BECAUSE he just almost missed a step. in that case, i'd add a line that lets the reader know that she noticed. Shift is working again. Just in time, too because I wanted quotes! "She stifled a laugh as he tripped. 'No,' she said, 'I'd like to see you actually miss the step this time.'" That's not a particularly eloquent sentence, so I'd love to see you Susanize it, but do you get what I'm saying? I'm sorry if it seems like I'm making a fuss over a minor thing, but if I didn't go off about the minor things, I'd just be squeeing.
In her bit of dialogue in the next real paragraph, I think you broke it up too much. It gets a little choppy. It's very believable, well-written dialogue, but I'd get rid of the line that says that she didn't wait for a reply. It doesn't add much. If she just goes into her next bit, it shows that she didn't wait. Sirius' next line confuses me a little. He says that she won't jump and she never came there for that. However, earlier, he was saying that if he didn't follow her, she may jump. Was he teasing in that first line? He could have also been saying the "You won't jump" line in a way that's more like, "I think that you might, but I'm going to tell you that you won't because then you won't." It's not something that necessarily requires explanation, but I think an extra line somewhere might have helped me. And "dirastic" should be "drastic".
When you write about her face changing expressions, I think you're telling too much. It's a tough thing to show an impatient/frustrated face. You almost save the line (almost because I still would have liked more showing) with "something that made her lower lip tremble". It reads nicely. When you say that her arms were crossed for protection, rather than stubbornness, I still find it leaning towards telling. I'd like to see you find a way to express the difference between the two. It's more than a mental thing; it shows in the stance & the way the arms are crossed. I like the tie-in to the song. I don't like the use of "darling". I'm not a fan of those terms of endearment because they never read quite right to me ("honey" or "sweetie" would probably be the best; "darling" doesn't quite do it for me), but if you feel like it works, leave it.
I think you did a really nice job with characterization in the paragraph that starts, "He was much..." I get a sense of who Eleanor is & what she's like & how she thinks. As an OC, I like her. I like how you can show distaste for Sirius without getting into the whole "I hate Sirius Black and we argue all the time" thing. It's not love/hate; t's a distaste for who she thinks he is and an annoyance. She's not SO extreme that I find it cliche.
I don't know about your portrayal of Lily with the line about her "annoying clique". I can understand if maybe you're trying to take a cliche sort of thing (Lily having a clique & being sort of the leader) & make it seem believable with strong writing, but I don't know. However, the line does a good job of showing Eleanor's low self-esteem. I think that there may be a better way to show that and her jealousy/dislike of Lily Evans & co. Maybe something like, "The other girls in her year wore the style beautifully. Lily Evans had it down to an annoying perfection. Eleanor was not so lucky." This was interesting characterization-wise for me. Too often, the not-so-pretty loner girl has this attitude where she doesn't care. I like that Eleanor cares. I love how Sirius dodges her question. And i like how Lily comes up again. It shows a slight Lily fixation.
The characterization of Lily, etc. doesn't bother me nearly as much in the next section because I think I get it now. I feel like Eleanor's exactly the type of girl to exaggerate and make it seem much worse than it really is. Obviously these girls aren't all beautiful models, but Eleanor is so down on herself that she... I want to say that she puts the girls on a pedestal, but it isn't that; it's more negative. It's like she's so jealous that she makes them even more perfect in her mind to justify her amount of jealousy. I like that. I also like the dialogue between Sirius and Eleanor & the line following it about it being exhausting.
I like how she has to wonder if it's heaven or hell. I love when she claims that he's not supposed to be human. I do have one question. Are ALL of the other Gryffindors these perfect, not-quite-human beings in Eleanor's mind? That seems a little extreme to me and it loses some credibility. "He made a noise" doesn't tell enough. The rest of the paragraph gives me some help, but it's an unnecessary mystery. There are too many noises that the human body makes to just say that. I like that she thinks that she understands him. She doesn't really, does she? And finally, I love the last sentence.
I hope that this doesn't come across as overly critical. It's a great story. I'll probably keep reading. I only focused on the minor things because anyone can improve upon a story. Most of this stuff is just my opinion/my train-of-thought as I read it, so you don't have to change a single thing! Besides the "drastic" thing. Sorry about the shift key stuff.Author's Response: Okay. *gasps for air* I'm working on this one now. It's quite a review and I really appreciate how much time and work you put into this. The first chapter of this story isn't "original" - it was an outtake from another story that I thought might fit. XD Bad idea, I know. But I liked the image of two people running up to the top of the tower. Sirius Black chasing girls is a cliche of sorts, so it ended up working for what I had in mind for Eleanor's story.
As per your changes, I probably won't have enough space to list all the ones I did, but I have looked through and edited bits, following various parts of your advise. You really went through this chapter with a fine-tooth comb, which is quite amazing. You should do beta-ing for stories, and this is exactly what the best betas do. :D
There actually wasn't that much to fix up. It looked like more from the size of your review, and it was surprising easy to make the changes. They're minuscule, but a lot of significance often lies in the details of a story. ;)
Eleanor is a strange character with major self-esteem issues. She sees everyone else as more perfect because she truly believes herself to be the worst creation of humanity. It's very sad, which made it difficult in some ways to write her character. It was like taking all the cliches of adolescenthood and smooshing them together to get Eleanor. It takes her the whole story to make her like who she is. In a lot of ways, it's a story about discovering and being satisfied with one's self. I'd never actually thought of that before, but that's really the message of the story.
Anyway, I'm rambling, and will stop to thank you again for your wonderful review. After seeing your list of preferences in your review thread, I knew that you'd be a perfect reader for this story. :D Report Review
I loved this Susan :)
I had a faint suspicion why Sirius had asked her out when Eleanor heard those girls talking in the library, glad to be proven true at the end xD
I'm glad you also gave Peter some character instead of making him a slimy little follower like I've read him many times in other fanfics (or even fanfictions that just don't mention him while witing about the Marauders). Even if he was a pushover in JKR's storyline, he's still part of that group.
This was a really good story, very believable in any case :)
EnyaAuthor's Response: The clues were there, yet still some readers missed them entirely, or were in denial, either one. ;)
Thank you very much for this, Enya! It's wonderful that you liked the story (and even more so that you thought it believable - as that's what I was going for). Finally I got my revenge on those who leave Peter out entirely, or make him seem like an idiot boy, because he couldn't have been, really, not if he was one of the Marauders. :) Report Review
I like it. Their little banter about half-way through the ch. was funny, and the story over all was easy to imagine. Great chapter!Author's Response: Thank you very much! That banter was great to write. :D Originally, it was part of another story, but the plot of that story changed, and I was left with an interesting conversation that was just asking to be used somewhere. Report Review
Well, I read all of this in one sitting and I told myself I'd review, so here I am! =D Judging by what your other reviewers said, the Remus/Sirius pairing came as a surprise. Don't worry, I picked up the hints you threw across your chapters, especially the conversation Eleanor overheard. I just had a feeling... :-)
I really liked Eleanor - she's definitely different. I love that you didn't make her pretty or beautiful. And I really admire the flaws you gave her, like her naivety. Brilliant! As I was reading through, what really got me even more than Eleanor or Sirius was Lily (weird, I know). Nobody ever portrays Lily as the annoying, popular leader of a clique as we saw through Eleanor's eyes somewhere in the beginning.
And the ending itself was lovely. I did not see the Eleanor/Peter pairing coming at all, but it felt so natural, like it was just meant to be.
"Not a step down. More like a step across."
I really liked that. :]
I have so much fun reading your writing! You always make it so natural and entertaining! You can expect to see me all over your other stories. XD
- CelesteAuthor's Response: Oh wow, thank you for this! It's great that you enjoyed the story and were able to read it in one go (it's not really that long, I guess, but all the same). And thank you also for taking the time to review! It's much appreciated. :D
You're one of the minority to have caught on, it seems, but I'm glad you picked up on the hints. They were fun to include, just to see who would go for the bait. I suppose it's so rare for Sirius/OCs to take that route that people just didn't expect it to actually happen.
I'm really glad that you liked Eleanor. She was interesting to create and develop throughout this story. Not to mention that it was hilarious to make her so naive; she was very much in the dark for much of the story, which made it exciting to write this. :) Making Eleanor such a social reject also helped transform the canon characters. While Lily was actually a caring person, as one may expect, from Eleanor's point of view, Lily was the perfect queen bee. A lot of this story has to do with perception: who sees what and what they do with that knowledge. Eleanor was unfortunately not very perceptive, but that also makes her more realistic, I guess.
Yay! You liked the ending! Some people weren't too pleased that Peter got the girl, but he has to sometimes, poor guy. ;)
Again, thank you for this review! I really appreciate hearing from you. :D Report Review
aww, amazing, how sweet
why is everyone but me good at ending lines - i just cant think of good ones, but everyone else can! its so unfair!
anyway, really good, poor elenor, great writing - as always - and i do love your sirius!
xxxAuthor's Response: It's not always easy, haha. Sometimes, the right line just comes, at others, I sit there waiting for it (and it takes a long time). ;)
Thank you again for the wonderful review! It's so great that you're enjoying this story! ^_^ Report Review
ooh, you are really good at this whole writing thing, arent you!
anyway, really good chapter, your chapter images are amazing aswell, and i think that it was nice to have that gossiping thing, but to have it not actually spelled out, i hate it in fan fics where they tell you exactly what shop they got their top from, and all of the same cliched clothes, so its good not to have to keep ignoring the excessive description for once!
xxxAuthor's Response: Thank you very much! :D
I agree with you. Showing is much more interesting than telling when writing, and it lets readers to imagine things on their own, without having all these things stuffed into their heads for them. It gets pretty annoying to see those cliched stories, and I'm glad that you like how this one is instead. ^_^ Report Review
oh my god, i am very impressed, you should probably become an author, if you are not planning to be one already.
i have to say that that last line was really quite amazing - 'Now that was the question. Screw Shakespeare. He knew nothing about real life.' - it was really great, and was sort of cliche, but with a difference, because you always have those stories - ff & actually books - that say things like 'that is the question' but you have a real individuality in your writing that manages to change cliches into amazing, funny, touching writing, so well done to you!
xxxAuthor's Response: Not so much planning as dreaming, but it's great that you think I should try for it! :D Thank you!
I'm glad that line didn't end up sounding too cliched, because poor Hamlet gets quoted left and right (often incorrectly), and I was worried that I had made the same mistake. It's so awesome that it instead turned out adding humour to the story. Thank you very much for taking the time to read and review this. It was a fun and interesting story to write, and I appreciate hearing from readers about what they think. ^_^ Report Review
ooh, really amazing, most sirius/oc ffs are really rubbish but this is actually good... hmm... weird...
xxxAuthor's Response: There are always exceptions, I hope. I also wrote this fic to purposely work with and against the conventional Sirius/OC. ;) It's great that you like this story so far, and I hope you enjoy the rest as well! :D
Thank you for taking the time to read and review! Report Review
I just read that in one sitting, though it wasn't drastically long. When I first started to read it I hadn't even realised the slash warning, and then I got to the chapter with Remus telling Eleanor that Sirius was sick and couldn't go with her, and something clicked in my mind. So I had to go check, and there it was, my assumption had been right!
Though I rarely ever read slash, though this hardly was, I enjoyed this very much. Remus and Sirius is the only slash i will read. And at that I won't read many, they are just all so... off.
But this was lovely. I adore the song Eleanor Rigby, so I listened to it on repeat while I quickly read this. And oddly when I got to the last bit of this chapter with the two lines from the song, they played through my speakers. It was spooky.
Wonderful job, really!Author's Response: The slash warning does give things away a bit, but oh well. People still get surprised when reading this chapter that the slash is more than just implied, haha. This is the first time I've ever written any, so it probably sounds unrealistic and contrived. :/ R/S is the only slash ship I read as well, though I haven't actually read many other ships to really make an opinion on it. When writing this story, it was fun to combine the very serious R/S stories I was used to with the lighter Sirius/OCs that pop up everywhere. :D
That is spooky about the song lyrics! I wonder how that worked out... great timing, at the very least. ;)
Thank you very much for taking the time to read and review. I really appreciate it, and am glad that you enjoyed this story. ^_^ Report Review
All the characters were brilliantly written: they seemed so real, with just the right amount of flaws. I especially love your characterisation of Sirius: it's really refreshing and fits so well with canon. A great ending, too! 10/10Author's Response: That's good to know that they were real, but not too flawed. I was worried when writing this that Eleanor had become too much of an anti-Sue, which would make her equally unrealistic. And Sirius's characterization works too? That's a great compliment, thank you! :D
And also thank you for reading and reviewing! I really appreciate it! Report Review
oh sweet jesues! remus and siriuis are in love with each other. jeesh i should have seen this coming! urgh i got all excited for elenor (digby, hee hee) for nothing!Author's Response: Haha, you'll see. :P There weren't actually many hints before this, though it is just a rumour after all... ;)
Thank you for the review! Report Review
i like the screw shakespeare bit!Author's Response: Haha, I'm glad you did! :D Thank you! Report Review
Do you know that until the other day I never liked the Beatles. I was proud to be one of those people who DIDNT love what everyone else loved. But my Dad played "Eleanor Rigby" a couple of days ago and I fell in love with the songs and I'm now listening to all of their songs like an addict. Actually, it was the song that made me think of this fic, because I've been meaning to read something of yours for a while now, and I knew it was on your author page. So I went to look for it and I'm so glad I did. Thanks for awakening my love of the Beatles :D
But onto the actual story. Wonderfully different to all the other Sirius/OC stories I've ever read. I loved Eleanor's character, and I loved the fact she stayed the same all the way through. She didnt magically get a makeover when she started going out with Sirius, she wasnt clued up about relationships. Refreshingly realistic.
- MarinaAuthor's Response: If you have to start with any Beatles song, this is probably the one to get you hooked on their style. :D It's way too easy to become addicted to them, haha.
Anyway, thank you for choosing to read this story, and for reviewing it! I really wanted to write a Sirius/OC that was unusual, that didn't do the things one would expect from stories about that ship. Eleanor is, I hope, an average sort of adolescent girl. I'm really glad that you liked her -there is something horribly endearing about her. ;)
Thank you, Marina! ^_^ Report Review
I have to admit, I kind of saw that coming. I guess I really took in those small little hints. But nonetheless, very powerful ending! Not happy, but not tragic. Bittersweet. You write very nicely!!Author's Response: Finally, someone did get the hints! I was beginning to despair that maybe they weren't too vague or hidden. It's also good that catching them ahead of time didn't ruin the ending for you - I'm glad that it still was powerful (if not shocking :P). Thank you very much for taking the time to read and review this! ^_^ Report Review
Nooo! Wow, you totally fooled me. And I'm a bit sad that she didn't end up with Sirius - make that really really sad. :( But at least she found Peter! And I love the last line, it's kind of happy and sad at the same time ... if that makes any sense. This is not like any Sirius/OC story I've ever read before. Thank you for writing it! 10/10Author's Response: Thanks very much for taking the time to read and review this story! :D It is different from the usual Sirius/OC (which was my point in writing it), and I'm glad you still liked the ending. I definitely took a risk in ending i that way, so it means a lot that you didn't hate it. ^_^ Report Review
Oh no, I'm not sure I like the way Sirius is acting . Are you trying to totally confuse us? Cos it's working! Another awesome chapter :)Author's Response: Haha, most definitely. *evil grin* It's supposed to be a bit confusing as that's what Eleanor is feeling while she tries to figure Sirius out. :D
Glad you're still enjoying the story! ^_^ Thank you very much for taking the time to read and review. Report Review
Aaww. That is probably one of the sweetest and most believable starts to a Sirius/OC fic I've ever read. 10/10Author's Response: Aww! Thank you! I'm really glad that you liked it, and thought it sweet. :D Hope you enjoy the rest! Report Review
i'm still in shock... but you needed a bigger lead up to the final scene, with sirius and lupin. i felt snowballed and robbed of enjoyment... you should really write a sequel though.
thumbs up, fantasticAuthor's Response: You didn't see it coming? There were clues there, though yes, I agree that I sort of rushed the ending. I always do. :/ Usually I just want it to end and have no patience for the middle stuff. Oh well, something to improve upon in the future. ;)
Thanks again for reading and reviewing! Report Review
urgh. peter is sooo in love with eleanor. peter is no match for sirius! sirius is hot!!! not to mention that he is intelligent, interesting, compassionate and funny.
great story... thumbs up. are you planning on writing a sequel??Author's Response: No sequel for this one. I thought about it once, but the story doesn't really interest me any further than I already wrote it. There are other ideas that are bothering me instead. ;)
So you're rooting for Sirius? Hope that goes well for you, haha. Thanks again for reviewing! Report Review
whoa... i'm confused. but that doesn't matter though, I still enjoyed it?
you know what I mean? when you read a REALLY good story, that you enjoy a lot but you don't really know what's going on??Author's Response: There is supposed to be a bit of confusion, mostly because it's told mostly from Eleanor's point of view, and she is mightily confused here. I can, though, look it over if there are specific areas that really don't sound right. :)
Thank you very much for taking the time to read and review! :D Report Review
BRILLIANT story! I've been meaning to read it for ages! I love it so much- it is probably the most original story I've ever read! And not because the idea of a guy using a girl for something is new- because it's not! But you added a twist- you didn't write to please the public- you wrote to show us how REAL life works. Because stories don't always end up happily ever after! This is the farthest fanfic from a cliché I've ever read. It takes a really strong author to deny their protagonist what they really want. Most stories would end up with Sirius falling for Ellie and them ending up together- coviniently stopping the story before the end of the year, when they would obviously have to break up to get Sirius to his canon, single status. But not you! I loved the foreshadowing, too! I definitely saw it coming! And I love Ellie's thoughts- they're very deep. Her insecurities were SO real! How sometimes, she'd let herself think she deserved Sirius and there must've been SOMETHING about her, and then something would happen to make her doubt everything. And when she was thinking all those thoughts that overwhelmed her and made her pass out, I felt dizzy and overwhelmed too! Someone said it was slow-paced, but that FIT. Because it went fast enough to keep me interested, but it was slow, and there weren't any really exciting plot twists or anything- just like REAL life. I think this story only hits home for a few people. Because it really is real life! But a lot of people don't like reading about real life- since we have to live in it. I have to admit- I'm normally one to read the clichéd, happy-ending stories! It gives me that feel-good feeling. Yours is sort of a bittersweet ending- but I like it. I really do. It's a work of art! More than just a fanfiction. And I love how it was short. It's perfect- because Ellie's relationship with Sirius was short too. And you ended it wonderfully- leaving it open for our imaginations. You didn't give her the one thing she wanted- but you gave her something. I love it! Thank you so much for writing this. Brilliant.Author's Response: Woo, long review! Thank you very much for taking the time to read the whole thing - it's great to get the reviews from people who went straight through. It's totally different from those who review each chapter because they include a general picture of things that's so helpful to get. ^_^
So yes, onto the review. :D It's definitely supposed to go against the norm in these types of stories. When you think of it canonically, Sirius can't get together with a girl, because then you have to kill her off or otherwise get rid of her (which leads to OotP reunion stories, another cliche :P) It's so great that you liked how it was different. =D And you caught the foreshadowing, which some people missed, and thus made them upset. So yes, you're the ideal reader. ^_^
Ellie turned out more disturbingly realistic than I first intended. She's not like me, but I don't know, she's very much the awkward adolescent girl, very uncertain of herself and far too trusting. ;) The realism is important in the story, perhaps the most important part, and it's just fantastic that you enjoy it so much.
Thank you so much, once again! I really appreciate this review, it's just amazing. ^_^ Report Review
poor eleanor... very good chapter and fantastic descriptionAuthor's Response: Thank you. :) Report Review
i like this story A LOT, but
1. it's a bit cliche
2. the pace is a bit slow
but still it's really good, especially the parts where sirius and eleanor are alone together, even when they are talking and have this amazing dynamic relationship, that just feeds off one another.Author's Response: It's supposed to be cliched. :P And too slow? That fails to make sense, since there are only six chapters in which to tell a whole story, and yet you find it too slow? What do you expect to happen, random Death Eater attacks? Or should Sirius and Eleanor have hopped into bed right away? If you could elaborate more on what was slow, that'd be wonderfully helpful. :)
Thank you for taking the time to read and review. I'm now worried about the "slow" part of the story. Report Review
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