And I'm going to say it again, poor James. I really am feeling bad for him (he isn't even a real person... just a fictional character), but he's still one of my favorite characters in the next gen. era. Also, I think you've really found James's voice in this whole terrible ordeal that he's going through; great narration, description, and dialogue between James and the other characters like his Quidditch Manager Mike. Great job so far with this story, and keep it up; 10/10!Author's Response: Thanks for all the great reviews! James is really fun to write, especially since I'm trying to make him a bit different than he's normally written. It's really interesting, trying to write a character who's stuck at a point in his life where even he no longer knows who he is!
Thank you again! All of these reviews have made me really happy, and I appreciate every one of them! Report Review
Great chapter, I really felt bad for James. Not only can you write humor well, but you can write angst quite well, too. I like reading characters that face, or are facing, conflict as it just makes the story that much more real. And I like the news topics and articles, totally believable. Great chapter; 10/10!Author's Response: Angst isn't generally my thing, so it's really good to hear that I'm handling it well enough. ^_^ Thank you for the review again! Report Review
Aw, poor James! His whole Quidditch career has spiraled downwards all in one match... just a few seconds is all it took. I really like this so far, and I like you've characterized James; as well as his relationship with his father. This exactly how I pictured Harry would be as a father to his children; he wouldn't care about anything but that they'll be okay and well. Great job on this chapter; 10/10!Author's Response: Thanks, Leslie! It's so nice to see this story still getting some love -- I really have to update soon! Thanks for the comments on James and Harry -- I really liked writing that scene (even though it was sad). Report Review
I'm wondering who they'll replace him with.. Someone we know? A family member? That would be really interesting. Or just some cocky little Hogwarts upstart..
'Good for them. It was just sodding excellent for them.' There's still a spark of humour in him that I love. Even your more serious stories always manage to entertain :)
I like the glimpse into professional Quidditch. The politics that go into it, the whole 'guy who canít play worth a damn but still thinks he can write his own ticket'. It just shows James *knows* what he's doing wrong, knows how it looks but he can't help it.
Great chapter :)Author's Response: Thanks once again for an awesome review! I can tell you he won't be replaced with a family member -- and when the story ends he won't have actually been replaced yet, but...well, you'll just have to stick with the story to find out who might potentially get picked up by Puddlemere. Potentially, though. :-)
Thanks for the comment about the humor. I do like adding humor whenever possible -- I'm almost never entirely serious!
I enjoyed exploring the professional Quidditch scene, too! I didn't realize I would like it this much. I had a really fun time writing Mike Slattery. I might have to do more stuff with him in the future, because the politics and dynamics among the players and the management is a really interesting topic. Report Review
One thing that makes me gravitate away from angst - other than not wanting to be sad :P - is the way it's often written. By that I mean, sometimes it seems the author's just trying to tug on your heart strings for the sake of it. Does that make sense? Probably not, but it doesn't matter because you don't do it all! :D
Yes, it was heartbreaking. And yes, I feel really bad for James. But not because you kept saying - 'feel bad for him, his life's hard'. You didn't. Instead, you showed the situation and explored his emotions so well that I really sympathised. It sucks what he's going through, and it's obvious he's struggling and you've portrayed it extremely well! :)
*thumbsup*Author's Response: Yes, I have an odd relationship with angst. For one thing, it's definitely not my favorite genre, but now I'm writing it... For another, I always worry that I'm overdoing it, and that it'll turn out exactly as you mentioned angst usually turns out.
But I'm really glad you thought the angst was done well in this chapter. It makes me feel relieved and a little less...angsty? Hahaha.
Thank you for the review! Report Review
Aww. Poor James :( Thank goodness I've read TMW and know he will endure :D This was really good, though. I think you're just a genuinely talented author.
I'm definitely interested to know what happens next and how he gets through it. And from what we've seen so far, I like your characterisation of James. He seems a good guy, rather than being defined by major arrogance. And he obviously loves Quidditch. Can I just say again.. 'Aww'.Author's Response: Thank you for your comments! I appreciate your thoughts on James' character -- I tried to make him slightly different than he's usually written, but he's still your basic twenty-something guy.
He does love Quidditch -- it broke my heart to take it away from him, but when a plot bunny attacks, what can you do? ;-) Report Review
omg! bloody brilliant. just cant wait to read more! and by the way, on the golden snitches, i voted for this story to become augusts featureed story!
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10/10Author's Response: Thank you so much! Hope you enjoy the rest...I'm aiming to get Chapter 4 posted within the next couple of weeks! Report Review
I swear, this is going to be the first fic to make me cry! I feel like nothing will fix James - can stars be reborn? I don't know :( Heartbreaking chapter, love, the urge to hug James just increased tenfold. I think it's gorgeous James has a pink, fluffy pillow - God, I just lock him away from all his troubles! Update soon, dear, I need to know what happens next!Author's Response: Aww...I promise it will get a little better after this! It will still be a bit angsty, but in the next chapter Fred makes an appearance because he's sick and tired of James' angstiness. Next chapter will probably be up in a couple of weeks...have a couple of other things to get through the queue first! Thanks for reading and reviewing this! I really appreciate it. :-) Report Review
Oh my, that was so sad! Again, perfect chapter title, I really do love the whole star thing you're pulling through the whole story, it really is very clever! Anyway, the chapter was fabulous, my dear, albeit incredibly sad and made me want to cry...and kidnap James. I love him ♥ A few notable points:
For times when it seemed like an excellent idea to wallow in his own misery.
I loved this line - I liked how you had some sarcastic kind of humor in such a depressing like. Loved it :)
Hope and determination didn't sell newspapers - disappointment and broken spirits did.
By this stage, I wanted to cry :( It's so true! Poor James, I want to give him a great big hug and lock him away from all his troubles! *cries*
Again, fabulous chapter! I really want things to brighten up for James!Author's Response: Thank you so much!
I was really happy to see you pointed out those quotes. Particularly the first one -- that was exactly the effect I hoped to have with that line! A little bit of self-deprecating humor on James' part, because as he's wallowing in his misery, he realizes what a stupid thing it is to do.
And the second quote -- again, thanks for noticing! I like to take digs at the Daily Prophet, since I don't have much faith in them (although I think that in the next generation the DP might be slightly better and less sensational...or, at least, I hope so).
I'm so glad you're enjoying this! I know it's sad, and unfortunately it will continue to be a bit sad over the next couple of chapters, although it will start to lighten up in various ways. Let's just say James will be very resistant to allowing things to get better. Right now he just wants to wallow, and he doesn't want to hear that everything will get better. Silly boy. Report Review
Wow, brilliant start! I finally had a chance to read this, and it was time VERY well spent, let me tell you :D This was an amazingly heartbreaking chapter, I really felt James' pain which made me very sad for him :( I feel like I can really put myself in his shoes, you know? And Ginny, Harry and Lily were just so perfect! You got their characters down pat! I loved it! A few notable bits:
"He even makes weird faces when he's unconscious."
Aww, that was cute. It broke the tension in the story, which was really fabulous! I love Lily :D
"It'sÖit's February twenty-ninth, James."
For some reason, I thought Harry was telling him the wrong date just to get him all freaked out. I giggled until I realized it was actually the date, lol. Then I was sad :(
Unless you're going to explain later - in which case, ignore me - but where was Albus? I thought he would of been there, but three days is a long time, I guess. He probably would have stayed for the whole time.
Anyway fabulous chapter - by the way, you chapter titles? BRILLIANT. Honestly, that is just so clever!Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I'm glad you're enjoying it so far!
I appreciate your comments about the characterizations and everything, and I'm glad you see James as a sympathetic character already.
As for Albus -- I realize I didn't explain at all where he was, but the truth is it just didn't fit naturally anywhere. He was at work. And what's funny is that, after I wrote this chapter, I made the decision that I wanted Albus to be a Healer, which would actually mean that he was in the same building at the time this scene was going on...but being at work, he wouldn't have been able to hang around James' room anyway, since he would have had other things to do.
But any attempt to explain Albus' whereabouts just ended up feeling unnatural and forced, like I was trying too hard. The truth is, while Albus and James care about each other, their relationship can get somewhat strained, and Albus isn't likely to be hovering over James' unconscious body while everyone else is. Let's just say that everyone in St. Mungo's buzzing about James Potter being there with an injury is EXACTLY the kind of situation that would irritate the crap out of Albus. I promise you he visited his unconscious brother occasionally during his breaks. :-)
Thank you so much for the compliment on the chapter titles! I'm glad they seem to be paying off! Report Review
Yay! Another chapter! I haven't been able to check updates for a while and here one is!
It's so real the way you make him feel, just how I imagine James. Arrogant and proud but with little hints that make you love him. Like his sofa and pink fluffy cushion :)
Reading it is so easy and flowing, it all fits seamlessly together, like the plot and character interaction. It just all works!
I love this story! I think you should become an author and become published :D :D You're that amazing. Lol that's my aim in life anyway. :D
From you dedicated fan!
TheDirigiblePlumAuthor's Response: Thank you so much!
I'm happy to hear you like James. I see him as kind of a sensitive tough guy. :-) And thank you for your other comments, too. I'm glad the story is working out from your perspective!
It's one of my dreams to become a published author, but unfortunately I haven't come up with a fantastic idea for an original novel yet. So for now I'll stick with James. Haha. :-)
Thanks again! Report Review
My God, just when I thought I couldn't feel any more sorry for James, you write this beauty of a chapter. Once again, I must commend you on your flawless writing. It's just so fluid - I'm in awe. And the way you write emotions? Don't even get me started! This is honestly one of my favourite stories on this site - even if you are torturing the poor baby. I'm just hoping that things are going to get better for him sometime soon. He deserves to be happy.
Also, I hate Mike as well. Just because James hates him.Author's Response: Haha...I know, I really am torturing him, aren\\\'t I? I promise he\\\'ll get some closure soon, though he\\\'s still going to be a bit angsty for the next couple of chapters. I\\\'m trying to mitigate the angst, though, so the story doesn\\\'t get too bogged down in it. From here on, things will become a little lighter.
Mike is an interesting character, and he was surprisingly fun to write. I actually got pretty attached to him, even though this is the only chapter he appears in. He\\\'s a pretty cool guy, and he cares a lot about James, but he\\\'s a bit stuck because he\\\'s a manager first and a friend second. It\\\'s ok if you hate him, though -- like you said, he\\\'s not exactly making James\\\' life any easier, is he? :-)
Thanks for the review! I\\\'m truly flattered by your comments, and I\\\'m so glad you\\\'re enjoying the story! Report Review
Aww, poor James! I think I've said that in every one of my reviews and I must be starting to sound like a broken record, but I genuinely feel really, really sorry for him. They way you've written him is just wonderful - the reader empathises with him because of all his various misfortunes, but, while clearly self-pitying, James doesn't come across as whiny or annoying at all, so well done for that! It's really hard to get the balance just right, but I'd definitely say you've managed it :D
And it's not all relentless angst, either. Yes, James is depressed and his life really sucks, but then you slip in those wonderful little bits of humour that just lighten the mood perfectly. Lily's pillows! I loved that, it really made me smile.
10/10. Honestly, I just adore this story :)Author's Response: I love your reviews, and I\\\'m especially relieved by this one, because I\\\'m glad to know James is still a sympathetic character and hasn\\\'t become irritating. I\\\'m trying to give his angst its due amount of respect without going overboard -- so I\\\'m happy to hear you\\\'re still engaged at this point in the story.
The tide will turn for him eventually, but I\\\'m afraid he still has a rough time ahead of him...because now he has a week to just sit around his apartment doing nothing, and that\\\'s exactly what he thinks he\\\'s going to do.
Glad you liked the part about the pillows! It was a random idea I slipped in, and I\\\'m happy to hear it paid off. James has a rather adoring relationship with his little sister.
Thank you so much! Report Review
Poor James! I know what he's going through, since I broke my foot dancing just as I was about to get my first pointe shoes. I really like this story. :) 10/10Author's Response: I\\\'m so sorry to hear that! You can probably really identify with James then.
I\\\'m glad to hear you\\\'re enjoying this story. All of your reviews are truly appreciated! Report Review
Brilliant. Your writing is just fantastic, especially your dialogue. It flows realistically and is easy and interesting to read.
As I think I said last time, you're also doing a great job with characterising James. I really felt for him in this chapter.
Keep it up!
JessicaAuthor's Response: Thanks Jessica!
I\\\'m glad you enjoyed the dialogue. Slattery is a lot of fun to write, because he\\\'s a bit of a smart aleck manager, but he cares about James a lot. They\\\'re a fun dynamic.
I really appreciate all of your comments, and I\\\'m so glad you\\\'re enjoying the story! Report Review
Not doing to well is he.
I wonder if they would be scouting Lilly or a younger Weasley? :)
Great story, great chapter. As always.Author's Response: Thank you!
They\\\'re not scouting any of his siblings or cousins, I\\\'m afraid (though I think that would create some family animosity that I\\\'d rather not add to poor James\\\' pile of crappy circumstances). I am tossing around a few ideas slightly relating to that, though, so you\\\'ll have to keep reading on. ;-)
Thanks for the review! Report Review
I've really enjoyed these first two chapters, you're doing a great job! I love the idea behind this story.
I adore your writing style and I think it works really well with what you're writing. I also think that you've captured James' emotions really well, too. His feelings of disappointment and hopelessness really comes through in your writing.
I cant' wait to see where this is heading, and how you're going to bring Luna into this :)
JessicaAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! I\\\'m glad the emotions are working out. This whole story is so emotion-driven, and in a way the whole thing takes place in James\\\' head (if that makes any sense). Glad you enjoyed it! Hopefully Luna will live up to expectations. Hahaha. :-)
Thanks again! Report Review
I liked the first little scene, but poor James!Author's Response: Thank you for reading and reviewing! Report Review
Hello, dear! Finally around to your story.
Um, this is extremely different. It's new, and it seems to ahve required a lot of thought. I commend you on that. This is quite impressive. The plot seems to be going somewhere promising, and I would like to sese where that is. :D Few mistakes here and there, but we all have them. :D
Keep it up! I will be back for the next chapter after I have emptied out my queue.
9/10Author's Response: Thanks for the review! Glad to hear what you think of it so far -- I'm eager to hear your comments on the next chapter! Report Review
awww poor James! This is really good by the way!Author's Response: Thank you! I hope you enjoy the future chapters, and I really appreciate your review! Report Review
Another great chapter! I really like the angst you give him. It really helps the story flow a lot better. I also like the fact that you have the newspaper clippings added in. It adds a little something to the story, and it makes it more interesting. Overall, I like this! Good job, and keep writing!
--ron.weasleyxo from the forumsAuthor's Response: Thank you for your comments on both the angst-y-ness (haha, I just made up a new word) and the newspaper clippings -- those were probably my main areas of concern in this chapter. I'm glad you liked it!
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review what I have so far! Report Review
A great start! I like this story so far. I usually don't read about Quidditch, so it should be interesting for me.
As for grammar, I have no problem with it. You did an excellent job with it! I like the flow too. It is a fast read, but you seem to fit everything in at just the right places.
Great job so far!
--ron.weasleyxo from the forumsAuthor's Response: You're right, it is kind of fast...I'm working on drawing out my writing a bit more and making things longer, but I'm glad you still liked it! Thank you for the review! Report Review
Aw! This is so sad! I never really pictured James to be like all like nice and like a total sweetheart like this!!! But change is always nice!
In addition: This is a good idea for a story!Author's Response: Yeah, I wanted to make him a little different than he's normally done. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! Glad you're liking it! Report Review
Hello, I'm here with your requested review. I decided to just review the chapters together since they weren't particularly long.
I know you've still got several chapters to go, but I think this story has a lot of promise. You've got some really great elements going so far. Both chapters have good balance, a mix of dialogue, description, internal monologue...plus the newspaper clippings in chapter 2. I thought that was a very clever way to bring the readers up to speed on what's been happening over the past few months of James' life. The opening scene of chapter 1 was also very nice. It's those types of interactions that really give insight into characters without having to come out and say things like "James is a nice guy who really loves quidditch."
You mentioned two areas of concern: characterization and description. For characterization, I think you're off to a good start with James. You've already shown some depth to him - he's a bit sarcastic, he's kind-hearted, he's passionate. The only thing that stood out to me as maybe needing some work is his relationship with his parents. It says in chapter two that he's turning 25, yet his parents were hovering over his hospital bed like he was much younger and in very serious condition. I can believe that some parents, no matter what the age of their children, are over-protective, but that doesn't totally fit with the Ginny and Harry that I know. I think at that age, James would be more likely to have discussions about his prognosis with his doctor or coaches than his mom and dad.
As to description, I think you're doing really well with this. The description of his injuries and their influence on his ability to play in chapter 2 was particularly good. I'm usually not a fan of adverbs but you pick yours sparingly and to great effect. I partially liked, "Artemis clicked his beak critically." My only suggestion would be to keep an eye out for opportunities to use descriptions as an insight into your characters mind, for example, how does a character react to a detail? What does a smell remind them of, or how do they react to a particular stimulus? You don't want to bog readers down with similes and metaphors but a really unique description can totally take a story to the next level.
I hope this was helpful. Keep up the great work!Author's Response: Thank you for taking the time to read this and leave such a thoughtful review! It definitely is helpful.
I'm glad to know you liked the newspaper clippings. I wasn't entirely sure about doing that, but I decided to give it a shot and see if it worked out. The response has been pretty positive, so I guess the gamble paid off!
I appreciate your constructive comments, and I'll definitely keep them in mind as I continue with this. I'm giving a lot of thought especially to what you mentioned about James' relationship with his parents. I can see what you mean about them hovering over him -- at the time I wrote it, I just figured they'd be pretty anxious because he was injured so badly, but you make a lot of good points about it. Even if I don't make any huge changes to these couple of chapters, I'll try to work on developing the relationship in future chapters. As you can see at the end of chapter 2, and what will become more apparent in future chapters, even though James' parents care about him a lot, he tends to isolate himself when he's upset -- so hopefully that will help avoid the image of a Leave it to Beaver family. :-)
I was pretty happy to hear your comment about the adverbs -- I actually think I use too many, and I'm always trying to figure out how to use fewer. But thank you for the feedback about the level of description. Again, I'll keep your suggestion in mind, and hopefully I'll be able to put it to good use!
Thank you again for your comments! I hope to be able to hear your opinion on future chapters, too! Report Review
James seems an intriguing character, and I really liked how you showed the decline of his career through press clippings. I thought you wrote his relationship with Harry absolutely brilliantly- both the scene where Harry tells him he won't be able to play Quidditch professionally anymore and James's reaction to Harry's letter were really convincing. I can't wait to see where you're going with this!Author's Response: Oh, good, I'm glad you liked the press clippings! It was a bit of an experiment and a gamble, so I'm glad it paid off!
Thank you for your review! Report Review
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