443 Reviews Found

Review #26, by Secret Santa |Chapter 11| And There Will Be Justice For All

30th December 2012:
Dear Yoshi_Kitten,

Oh gosh! You had so much running through this chapter! I loved the beginning, your building up Roxi and Dracos relationship up so well! I can't wait to see how this progresses! I really love this ship!

Lucius! I couldn't believe what I was reading! To purposefully put himself through that after he'd already suffered frm voldemort... Gosh. You didn't hold anything back and I thought you wrote the whole thing so well. When he broke his arm! It actually made me feel a little bit sick! I couldn't believe they were doing what they were! I'm so happy Draco stood up for his father though! What he said, calling them death-eaters was spot on. You write the speeches so well!

I was actually crying a little bit inside when Draco got stabbed! I was worried for him but I had my fingers crossed he would live being as I wasn't at the end of the story yet and I was so so happy I was proved right *sigh*! I'm glad Saleena returned too! I love hers and Dracos relationship, its so cute to see how fond she is of him! Another amazing OC you have created there!

This was another amazing chapter! You really have thought the whle story through so well - I'm loving it right now!!

Love from,
Secret Santa x

Author's Response: Haha, I was gonna respond in your review to chapter 6 that that one and chapter 11 are two of my favs, but it looks like you beat me to it, lol! So, of all the chapters you could have picked out, I am REALLY glad that you at least chose those 2, thank you so much!! ;)

I am so glad you are enjoying this so much!! Let's just say that, for the past 2 years, my secret santa's haven't exactly been all too enthused about reading/reviewing this, so it was really nice to be paired with someone who actually LIKES the story this time around, lol! I cannot tell you how much I truly do appreciate you taking the time out of your bust Holidays to do all of this for me... Thank you SO much Santa!!! =)

 Report Review

Review #27, by Secret Santa |Chapter 6| The Spy

28th December 2012:
Dear Yoshi_Kitten,

This chapter was so good! It's really moved the plot on and has got me really excited to see where you are going to take the story next!

Oh Percy! I've never been a real fan of his but I'm so disappointed in him in this chapter. i guessed where you were taking it part way through and was so gutted when I was proved right! The poor Weasleys :(. I thought you played out the whole thing really well, from Malfoys reluctance to hurt them to Mrs Weasleys near break down! You did such a good job, well done! I also loved how you hinted about this when Draco first came to the Weasleys... Nicely done!

I am also really intrigued by your OC. I thought you have built her up well in the previous chapters and she didn't disappoint in this chapter. I'm looking forward to seeing how her and Draco go from here!

The only two bits of CC I would give is to firstly be careful with some of the dialogue. Most of the time it is great but occasionally some of the adult characters (McGonagall for example) sound more teenager. You also have a few spelling mistakes (coarse instead of course for example) that you need to watch out for.

Altogether though, this is such a good chapter in your great story! Well done!

Love from,
Secret Santa x

Author's Response: Yay, you reviewed one of my favorite chapters!! This one and ch.11 were 2 of the most challenging to write for me. I can't believe you actually guessed it was Percy beforehand tho, lol. Not to many people have ever done that, so congrats!

Since you are at this point in the story, if it interest you, then I would like to point out that I have a one-shot that follows right after the next chapter here... It the 4th story on my author page, and it's called: "Born A Leader." It's a missing-moment of sorts about Saleena and the Gypsied. So feel free to check that out as well whenever you get the chance. I would LOVE to hear your thoughts on it!!;)

I am so happy you are like this so well, it really makes my day!! I can't wait to see what you think of the rest!! Hope you had a good Christmas Santa!! =)

 Report Review

Review #28, by J |Chapter 33: A Logical, Medical Explination|

27th December 2012:
First of all I'm just going to say that I hardly ever
leave reviews except on the last written chapter
because I don't know how they get to you and if
you read the ones on old chapters.

#1 - I really like this story. I haven't read many
Draco stories and this really explores him even i isn't

#2 - I think most of the characters are good, the
only one with major flaws I think is Voldemort. Your
Voldemort is too forgiving, he bothers too much with
the Death Eaters. Rowling's Voldemort would never
have used Roxi's first name or joke with her in any

#3 - Spelling. You seem to have a few words that
you always misspell. You write "weather" instead of
"whether", "loose" or "looser" instead of "lose" and
"loser" which is really irritating. Just try to work on
that. The other word that annoys me is "anyways".
You constantly write "anyways" instead of
"anyway". Please stop that :)

Other than that I think this is a really great story
and I hope you do manage to update regularly in
2013. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

 Report Review

Review #29, by CassiePotter |Draco's Intro| "This is My Story"

25th December 2012:
I really loved this chapter! I was drawn in from the very beginning, nd really enjoy the way you write Draco! This story has a nice pace to it, and the background we get is really nice and rich, instead of being dry like it can get sometimes. I also love that Draco wants his own story told, but doesn't seem to be jealous of Harry for getting so much attention. I really love how you've started this story and can't wait to read more! 10/10
Cassie :)

 Report Review

Review #30, by Secret Santa |Chapter 1| A Difficult Decision

24th December 2012:
Dear Yoshi_Kitten,

Another really great chapter to your story. I really can't wait to see how this is going to play out. Draco with the Weasleys. This is definitely going to be interesting!

One point I would like to make is that the letter Lucius wrote was a bit long winded to say he was pushed for time. I don't think it would have quite been Lucius' style either. Just be careful not to get to exclaimation mark happy too!

I thought you dealt with process it took for Arthur and Molly to accept Draco very well! Their agonising over the final decision was really well written so well done you! I thought you got their characters really well. I also liked that you brought in the money issue... of course it wasn't just about the money but when your the Weasleys bless them it had to be a bit about the money. I really loved it!

Well done on another amazing chapter!

Love from,
Secret Santa x

 Report Review

Review #31, by Secret Santa |Prolouge| Blessed With a Son

24th December 2012:
Dear Yoshi_Kitten,

Wow, another amazing and quite frankly horribly chilling chapter! Voldmort is just pure evil. Branding Draco as a baby? I thought that was a really nice touch on your part. The whole chapter just made me keep gasping as you took Voldemort to new levels of low! Poor Narcissa and Lucius! That was such a hard decision on Luicus in particular and I loved how you really put an emphasis on what was the better way... Death or no choice.

I thought you did a great job of bringing the theme of love/hate into this chapter. It's very JK of you! Obviously Voldemort thinks he's got a new follower incapable of love now but hopefully his plan will be scuppered once again with his lack of understanding! I really hope so anyway!

One but of CC I would give is to be careful with Narcissa's dialogue. Most of the time I thought what you wrote was good but there was couple of parts I didn't think sounded quite right. Using 'yeah' for example for me just didn't quite give the right feeling for her.

Another amazing chapter though! I really can't wait to see where you're going to take it next!

Love from,
Secret Santa x

 Report Review

Review #32, by Secret Santa |Draco's Intro| "This is My Story"

24th December 2012:
Dear Yoshi_Kitten,

I thought this was a really great start to your story! Your characterisation of Draco was excellent - it really gives you a good insight to him. The paragraph about Harry really made me smile, Draco's anger and jealousy show through well.

Hmm, you have really built things up around Lucius. It feels like you have more to tell there. I can't imagine what growing up like that must have been like for Draco though. He clearly is just a product of his parents!

Great job and I look forward to reading more!

Love From,
Secret Santa x

 Report Review

Review #33, by agent corrections |Prolouge| Blessed With a Son

19th December 2012:
I like the story its amazing but you missed a lot of words and I think you need to revise and edit it a bit more carefully.

 Report Review

Review #34, by gingersnape |Draco's Intro| "This is My Story"

6th December 2012:
Hi love! I don't know if I can get through all of this, but you're welcome to go and dance around any of my stories with the warning that I probably won't update any of my non-one-shots until the summer? But I will try to read as much as possible since I really like getting to stay with stories! :)

So, I'm hooked! I liked the part about his father - it made me really want to know how that tangles into his story. It also got me thinking about how much his father's influences have shaped him - good characterization is good. :)

The repetition of the quote was also a really cool device. I've heard it before, but I hadn't given it much thought until now. I do love a good bit of unfairness; makes the characters come out of their shells and do interesting good writing-ey things. :)

I liked the intro, and other than a mild grammatical slip up here and there, I can't think of anything to give cc about.

Happy Holidays, and I look forward to seeing what happens next - I'll definitely be coming back! :)

 Report Review

Review #35, by wytchkitty13 |Chapter 15| A Deal With the Devil

6th December 2012:
Hey Deana!! So good to see you again and I'm back- *pauses*
One moment..."Stomps into chapter, takes off shoe and smacks Percy with it. puts shoe back on, climbs out of the story and returns to the review box* :p

Like I said I'm back and I'm working on catching up on writing and reviewing along with doing this fun little Holiday review swap!!

Now onto my actual review...You were right, you said I'd despise Percy even more and I do blahhh. But it was funny to see that even though he is in control right now, I got a feeling it won't be forever! Not with the way you write and just that feeling...we will see if I am right later hehe.

I love this story to pieces *hugs it*
I remember when I first started it I couldn't stop. I had to pry myself away. It's got all the perfect elements that I crave and adore and love and everything!
Omg where are they taking her? (Don't tell me) And what's happening ? I wonder if they will find out what she is *grins*
I look forward to reading more of this story later :D
I'm so glad to be back reading, writing and reviewing!!

 Report Review

Review #36, by Jchrissy |Chapter 1| A Difficult Decision

1st December 2012:
Phew, finally here again! RL has been a brat lately.

I LOVE that you had the differences in Molly's and Arthur's parts in this. I think it would make absolute sense for Molly to be extremely reluctant to let Draco live in her home. She's such a protective mother, and knowing the things he's done to her family, that his family has done to hers, is a lot to be okay with. And then the money. No, Arthur isn't let Lucius buy him off, but he's also not making it easy to refuse. I mean, when you're really hurt for money, it talks more than if you had plenty.

The way that it comes down to the fact that if this was one of their children, they would need someone too, is awesome. And when Molly thinks about how young Draco really is.. how *he* hasn't actually done most of the things, but it's been his family that's done them *to him*... that was a really great turning point for Molly's decision.

The idea of what happened to Draco and Narcissa is terrible and so sad :(. But I still love how original this is all starting out, that you're really finding a solid point to start building a Draco/OC on.

I do have one bit of CC in this chapter, I don't think you need as much explaining in Lucius's letter. I mean, have all of the reasons and what's happened in there, but just in a shorter version. Only because that would really give us the feeling of intensity. But the letter didn't detract and take away from my desire to continues, so it isn't a big deal at all if you decide against editing it :).

Awesome chapter, m'dear!

Author's Response: It's no problem hun, RL has really been getting to me lately too. But then again, who ISN'T busy this time of year? With the holidays, and shopping, and working all this overtime; it's been hard keeping up on much here lately, lol. I will leave you some more reviews as soon as I can tho, I promise... Maybe you and I could just be paired together again this month, you think? Cuz I would really like to participate in the Review Exchange again, but I just don't think I would have enough time to read/review your story, plus take on somebody else's and then do SS on top of that! That's just a bit much, if you know what I mean... Is there any rule that says we can't be partners again for this month tho? ^_^'

I'm glad you liked my take on Molly's side of things tho. Some have said that it was OOC for her, but I didn't think so either. The money was definitely a contributing factor, no matter what Arthur said, lol. I think in any situation; especially one like theirs, it would be a hard offer to say no to. & I'm glad you picked up on the "what if this was our son" bit, cuz not too many people have really commented on that before. You really seem to be very in-tune with what's going on here, (if that even makes sense) and I like that about your reviews, lol! :)

Lucius' letter... Yeah, it's bad, I know! I get that from people a LOT actually, and reading back over it last night it did seem rather long and unrealistic in some parts, given that it's coming from Lucius. But I couldn't pick & choose what to keep and what to get rid of. Everything in the letter is essential in order to explain what happened prior to Draco being drooped off at The Burrow... Initially, I HAD a chapter before this one that detailed Draco's experiences prior to this moment, But it kept getting rejected for validation so I ended up just scrapping it and starting the story from here. Lucius' letter was how I then chose to let the readers know what had happened without really writing the scene out in full detail...

I don't know tho; that WAS a long time ago, back when I was a new member and was unsure of all the rules and how best to follow the ToS here. I probably could go back and redo that initial 1st chapter and make it so that it complied with the validation standards. But then I'd have to go thru and renumber ALL the chapter from here on out, and it would probably just end up confusing people, you know? I'll probly end up just getting with my Beta one day when we both have off and brainstorming some ideas on how we can improve the letter tho, cuz that would be the simpler thing to do. I appreciate your CC comments on that tho. I DO plan to eventually edit it, I just don't really know when, lol! =/

I felt bad, killing Narcissa off in the 1st chapter with no further expiation as to why or how she died. But her death is sort of essential to all of the changes that Lucius and Draco go thru in this, and you will find out more detail on her as the story goes on, I promise. I am glad you like the plot tho, and saying that you think my idea behind it is so Original is probably the best compliment I could ever receive, haha!! I take making this story as original as possible very seriously, and I have worked hard over the past few years to write something new, something that hasn't been done on here before. So it really meant a lot to me to hear you say that. Thank you so much hun!! =D


 Report Review

Review #37, by Kassidy Wood |Prolouge| Blessed With a Son

29th November 2012:
This is all so well written. I am very inspired by your work... Thanks!

Author's Response: Thank you so much hun. I worked really hard to get this prologue just right, so I am very glad that you liked it! Thanks for the review, I look forward to hearing your thoughts on the rest of the story as well. :)

 Report Review

Review #38, by CambAngst |Chapter 6| The Spy

21st November 2012:
Yes! Bombs really started to fall in this chapter and I loved it. I have to say that your writing was a whole lot better in this one, too. This may sound silly, but your writing felt like you were a lot more comfortable when you wrote this chapter. I think you found a really good zone and once you were in it, things just clicked for you. I'm not sure how to explain it beyond that.

So one thing I wanted to say right off the bat is that I kind of regret the fact that you only explain the aftermath of Draco's "trial" with Scrimgeour. I know this chapter was already really long, but even if you had to pull that out into its own chapter, I think it would have been well worth it. With Draco sequestered away inside the Burrow, we have only gotten an indirect idea of what's going on in the outside world and how people have reacted to the idea of Lucius Malfoy's son taking up with the Weasleys. Scrimgeour's questioning would have been very interesting, along with the information that Draco would have revealed.

That said, I'm really worried for the Weasleys now. Given his sources inside the Ministry, it shouldn't take very long at all for Voldemort to learn that Draco not only survived, but where he's hiding. I wouldn't necessarily say that I'm scared for Snape and Lucius, but this information will clearly put them in a very bad spot, as well, since they were tasked with "disposing" of Draco following his supposed death. I hope you give this state of affairs its due, because it can't help but be interesting.

The conversation between McGonagall and Draco seemed about right to me. Maybe I would have liked Draco to be just a hair more confrontational, but I guess the poor guy is pretty beaten down by this point. From her side, I think Minerva manages the exchange just about right. Draco plainly has information that the Order desperately needs. At the same time, she knows that she can't push him too hard or he's likely to recoil. Letting him see the workings of the Order first-hand is something of a gamble, but a wholly reasonable one I'd guess.

OK, I'm about to tell you something that you're probably not going to like, but it was my honest reaction and I wouldn't give you anything less. Something about having a character with the same name as your forums username, and having that character be Draco's love interest, besides, was just really weird for me. Now that I think of it, you might have picked that username well after the story was underway, which makes it less weird. But since I knew you from the forums before I got to this point in the story, I'm getting strange vibes on it. I guess it doesn't really matter since there's really no way you could go back and change it now without confusing the daylights out of your long-time readers, but overall I found it kind of freaky.

The other thing that jumped out at me was Fleur's reaction, specifically "She iz not even from here. She iz not one of us!" That just sounded really out of place coming from her, since she is something of an outsider in the Weasley family, herself. She also comes from another country and she had a lot of difficulty being accepted by the rest of Bill's family in the beginning. To me, that would have made her more sympathetic to a newcomer. Just a differing perspective, I guess.

The other reactions seemed fairly sensible to me. Having not one but two metamorphamagi in the Order seems like an extraordinary stroke of good fortune, one that people who are used to finding that Voldemort is one step ahead of them might find very suspect. It gave Draco a good chance to step out of the shadows and make his presence felt. His speech about suspecting the innocent was maybe a bit high-minded for his character, but he had a good point. And I really liked the way that Fred and George don't miss the opportunity to call him out on the meaningful stare he was exchanging with her. Nothing gets by those two...

The entire scene in Molly and Arthur's bedroom was heart-breaking. I loved the way you set the stage by describing the shabbiness of the room. That seems so like the two of them, always putting everyone else first. Draco's speech before he drops the bomb on them actually came across as really heart-felt, which surprised me once I went back and thought about it. If you'd told me a few chapters back that Draco would be saying things like that and sound really sincere, I probably wouldn't have believed you. It kind of indicates how far you've brought the character.

Each of the Weasleys had a very believable reaction to the revelation about Percy. Fred and George were angry. Bill was disappointed and sad. Charlie was shocked. Molly was devastated. Arthur was the most interesting one and probably the best from the standpoint of how you wrote him. So much guilt mixed into the sadness, and all completely understandable. This is his son, after all. When you have a son -- weird, I actually know this now -- you feel a great deal of personal responsibility for how their sense of right and wrong turns out. Overall, you did a fantastic job with this section.

I liked the crisis of confidence that Minerva handles very well at the end of the chapter. I think after all of the difficulties the Order has suffered, compounded by the truth about Percy, people were likely to be reeling and questioning everything. Minerva's genuine offer to step aside probably went a long way toward getting everyone's head back together.

Like I said at the outset, this chapter was really well done. Your writing was really good and I felt like you were really in your element with this one. It was probably the best chapter so far. I really hope they continue to improve like this. The story will be a joy to read!

Author's Response: Oh Dan. Can I just start by saying I love you? Now, you know, I usually like to do thing in order, but this review is just too awesome to leave sit here for any longer, lol! =P

Yes, Ch.6 is definitely where it starts to pick up, as you have already noticed. The writing really does get better from here, or I think so anyways. There's only so much "introduction" a person can take, lol. Now, finally, some action! I do get what you're saying about Draco's trail tho, and I wanted to show that more, I really did. But I am no good with politics and the like, so it really would have been a horrible chapter that probly would have made no sense at all... I know that's a cop-out, but there you go, lol! XD

It's funny you should mention Voldemort and being worried for The Weasleys tho. Keep that in mind for when you get to the next chapter, lol... I'm glad you liked Draco & Minerva's conversation tho. She's a hard character to write, but I try to do her justice every time she comes in. And what you said about Fleur actually makes sense. I guess I never really thot about it that way before. Now I am going to have to edit it and make somebody else say that line, lol. I can't believe I never thot of it that way before now! ^_^'

As for the Username thing, I guess I should have warned ya about that before hand, huh? But see, Yoshi_Kitten was what I used to use for EVERYTHING back when I set up this account, and I HATE it now, lol. It makes no sense and it's not even Potter-Related. But it was all I could come up with at the time, and now I can't change it... I joined the forums about a year - year & 1/2 after joining here tho, and Roxi is my pride & joy/ So I renamed myself RoxiMalfoy over there and it has just stuck ever since then. Sorry it freaked you out tho. =/

I love that you commented on Fred & George tho. Their remarks to Draco in this chapter were some of my favorite moments to write. And I like that you picked u on the state of Molly & Arthur's bedroom too. I don't think anyone has ever pointed that out before now, and I actually put a lot of thot into that one too. I even remember drawing a not-so-good picture of how I thot their room would look before I sat down to actually write about it. So thanks for picking up on that man, I appreciate it. :)

OMGosh, I just can't stop smiling right now, you've made me so happy!! I love everything you had to say here about how far I've brot Draco's character, and all of the Weasley's reactions to the news; especially Arthur. I don't have any kids of my own, but I am glad that you were able to relate to this from personal experience so well. I love how much thought you put into everything, and this one brought a few tears of joy to my eyes. Sappy, I know, lol, but it's the truth tho! Thank you SO MUCH Dan, for being so kind and thoughtful!

 Report Review

Review #39, by CambAngst |Chapter 5| A Drop of Veritaserum

21st November 2012:
Hello, again! Sorry it's been a long time between reviews. Such is life, I suppose.

Given the mildly AU nature of the story, I liked the idea of Harry, Ron and Hermione periodically getting together with McGonagall to compare notes and strategize. The hunt for the horcruxes is definitely a longer-term project in your version of events and the Ministry never completely fell, so remaining completely shut off from the rest of the Order would be neither necessary nor beneficial for the trio.

You did a pretty good job of building up your mythos around the Gypsies in this chapter. The idea of them being exceptionally powerful and too proud to willingly accept the Statute of Secrecy makes sense. This section definitely filled in bits and pieces of Saleena's back story without having to deliver it all through her own thoughts or dialog, which was a nice plus. Two things struck me as either omissions or something that could have benefited from a bit more elaboration. First, if the gypsies are as powerful as they're described to be, how did the Ministry win the war against them? Was it sheer weight of numbers? Some spell that the Gypsies were particularly vulnerable to? It just seemed strange that the Ministry would be able to force a solution onto them. Second, Hermione makes no mention of the fact that the Gypsies are a strictly matriarchal society. Perhaps Ron simply knows that already, but if Harry didn't know about the wars, he probably wouldn't know about their social structure, either.

I love the little bit of adoration and affection for Hermione that you slip into Ron's character here. It was a nice little touch.

McGonagall's questioning of Saleena seemed to cover the basics, but it felt a bit short to me. I know you probably didn't want to make that section drag on for too long, but I still through that McGonagall would have been a lot more thorough. For instance, she asks about Voldemort and Malfoy, but not about whether Saleena had connections to any other Death Eaters. Maybe I'm just over-thinking things, but that was my reaction.

Moving along, it also seemed odd that McGonagall would start out right away briefing Saleena on brand new intelligence that she'd just gathered from the trio. I think you needed more of a transition there, whether it was in the form of bringing the trio back into the conversation or perhaps Molly and Arthur. I realize that having Saleena still be affected by Veritaserum was essential to her giving away far more than she meant to, but things just happened far too quickly.

Ooh! So Saleena's secret is out. At least to McGonagall. I was of two minds on the way that Minerva reacts. Part of me felt like Minerva wouldn't have been quite so quick to want to turn her into a spy. After all, she just joined the Order and Minerva has no way of knowing how she would perform undercover. Does she have the requisite skills to not be found out? Is it too big of a risk to take with her since the main reason that they wanted to recruit her into the Order was so she could act as a Healer? On the flip side, everyone in the Order has to sing for their supper. Dumbledore put Remus in enormous danger by sending him to infiltrate Greyback's pack, to say nothing of Snape's role as a double agent. So it's definitely not unprecedented. Again, I think one of your bigger challenges in this story is pacing. So far, everything has happened so quickly. If you were to slow the narrative down just a bit and give the characters some more time to gradually assume their roles, it might all feel more natural.

I am really interested to see what sorts of things Saleena learns from her family. Her special abilities will definitely change the course of the story, whatever they might happen to be.

So I noted some typos and other spelling and grammar issues as I was reading:

-- "It is said that their leaders often poses extraordinarily supernatural talents and abilities." - possess

-- Right you are, as always, Miss. Granger," - needs opening quote mark

-- ... they’re all prejudice cowards who put restrictions on anyone who may have the power to overrule them." - prejudiced

-- "The three of the were just leaving." - three of them

-- "It tingled he tongue as she swallowed it." - her tongue

-- I only have a few questions for you,” McGonagall began. - missing opening quote mark

-- "Lucius and I’s relationship" - I don't think "I's" is proper English except for a house elf. ;) How about "My relationship with Lucius"?

-- ... you won’t go back and tell Lucius anything tat we discuss?" - that

-- "There are several Do you happen to know anything about Gypsies?" - I think the first three words don't belong here.

-- “Every single member of this Order have all had to make sacrifices and your no different." - you're

-- "Loose my job and become an outcast in society?" - Lose

-- "Even of only one of them listens to you, it will still be better than none, and that’ll be one less that Voldemort will hive on his side." - "if only" and "will have"

You continue to move the plot in an interesting direction. The players are beginning to line up in their roles, although we haven't seen anything from the other side in a while. I hope you're planning to show us at some point what Voldemort, Bella and the rest of the crazies are up to. Until next time!

 Report Review

Review #40, by Jchrissy |Prolouge| Blessed With a Son

20th November 2012:
Oh my goodness. Voldemort really is terrible, isn't he? I think the entire idea you created in this chapter, all the new twists, were really awesome. You aren't accountable to any non canon here, because it's obvious this story doesn't follow canon details, so additions like the Dark Mark being added to Draco as a baby, and Lucius begging for his son to go untainted, fit in so well with the entire idea of the story that you give us in the summary.

I really liked the constating ideas of, would it be better for Draco to live, even if we must raise him in this terrible way? and, death would be better than this life. So many times in Harry Potter there are instances where you think these characters would be better off escaping with death. But they always (well, most of them) pull through, so I really love that you've continued on with that sentiment behind this. Right now baby Draco's world look so black, but he's in it and alive and hopefully he'll be able to survive. Ahh it's all just so feelsy.

Lucius's own anger at himself was very well done. I think it would be natural to endure that kind of guilt, and he probably parcially deserves it. But like him and Narcissa realize, they made a decision. The one they thought was best at the time.

This chapter did so much in terms of showing us the kind of world this little baby was brought into, and it added some serious chills factor with the idea of Voldemort standing over them, taking the baby straight from his parents' arms. ahh. It makes me sick. In a good way, though, the way you intended ;).

Awesome second chapter m'dear! I love reading new things, and this is starting out so different than anything else I've read, I'm positive I'll enjoy it :)

PS! Thank you SO much for the SotM nomination! That was so sweet of you. Today is my birthday, and I have to say that knowing you are liking my story enough to nominate it was an awesome present ♥

Author's Response: OMGosh, I seriously had NO IDEA that today was your birthday, lol! In that case, Happy Birthday then!! Guess that all worked out pretty well, huh? Happy I could make your day so great hun, haha! ;)

& I'm SO glad that you approve of this one so much. It took me quite some time to get Voldemort's character just right. And I can't even begin to tell you how many times I re-wrote this prologue, just to make sure that I was wording everything in such a way that it got all the points I was trying to make across. For the longest time, this chapter was one of my least favorites. But then, once I finally took the time to make myself sit down and re-write it, it has actually became one of the ones that I am more proud of now. It took me some time to get it right, but I finally feel like it sets up the story for what's to come perfectly now. :)

That being said, I love that you have taken to this so well already. You know, I have always made it my goal to make this story as original and unique as possible, so to hear you sat that this is unlike anything you have ever read... Well, that right there has literally just made MY night complete, lol!! Thank you so much for the wonderful review hun, I really appreciate it!! And I hope you win SotM too; you definitely deserve it!! Can't wait to see what you think in the the next chapter! :D

 Report Review

Review #41, by Jchrissy |Draco's Intro| "This is My Story"

15th November 2012:
Hi there darling! I'm so excited to be reviewing your story! I really love a Draco centered fic that doesn't involve Hermione :P

I love the intimacy you give us with Draco in this intro. The way he addresses us readers, paints this terrible sad picture of a little boy who really didn't have any choice but to grow up the way he did...

I also like that you've made his father this way. Cold, hard, clearly depriving his son of all the thins a child needs to emotionally grow and mature.. pure little blonde boy :(.

The section about this not being another book about Harry was awesome! I really loved not only the bit of anger we see in that, but the fact that it is so true coming from Draco's perspective! I also like that he is blaming his actions on his family. People can endure hell and still turn out okay, and maybe now that he's telling his story we'll see that 'okay' and watch him grow from a money spoiled but love deprived child into so much better of a man. We see the beginnings of it during DH, and I'm so excited to read about the person he became after that!

I still can't get over how sad it is to imagine this child, trying so hard to please his father, but just getting more and more criticism in place of pride. Poor lil Draco. I want to huggle him :(

I'm so excited to be starting this, m'dear! And I can't promise I'll get through all the chapters in the month either, but I'll absolutely keep reviewing past this month!!


Author's Response: Hello there, it's good to see ya!! & I'm glad to see that we both seem to share the same loathing for all things Dramione, haha!! XD

Now I know a lot of people don't tend to like the talking-at-you approach I took with this, but I felt like he deserved a chance to have his voice heard right at the beginning, you know? So I'm glad you that you really seemed to like that as well. :)

And you're right; Draco didn't really have any other choice in the matter growing up. It's good that you're already reading so much into Lucius' character already, lol. You will soon see why he treated Draco the way that he did tho.

Haha, that line about Harry is actually one of my favorites so I'm glad you enjoyed it too! You will probly want to huggle Draco even more as this story goes on tho, and I am perfectly fine with that, haha! I wish I could hug him myself sometimes, the poor kid. He really does go thru hell...

Thank you so much for all of the wonderful compliments hun, I really appreciate it. Can't wait to hear your thoughts on the rest of the story as well!! =)

 Report Review

Review #42, by Sian |Chapter 32| Somonus Mushrooms

13th November 2012:
I love this story! I can't wait to hear the next chapter, I've been reading this story every chance I get and I think its really good :) keep up the good work!

Author's Response: I'm so glad you like it, thank you so much!! I actually JUST finished the next chapter, and it is in the editing stages right now. So be on the lookout for a new update coming soon!! I hope you will stop back and share your thoughts with me again, I really do appreciate the review! Thank You!! =D

 Report Review

Review #43, by CambAngst |Chapter 4|At the Kitchen Table

3rd October 2012:
Hello, again, Deana dear! Bit by bit, I'm going to work my way through your story!

Let's start with the good things. I liked seeing Draco start to progress. He's up and about and seemingly starting to integrate with his new "family" just a bit. He's keeping mostly to himself, it seems, which I think is a good decision. He's been through enough shocks recently that I can't imagine him rushing headlong into anything. Things are probably still quite frosty between him and Ron. That's a point I would have liked to see you touch more on in this chapter, actually. Since the trio are the only people in the house who are near to Draco's age, there is a natural opportunity there for some form of camaraderie, even if it is very strained at first.

I also thought you did a terrific job with Tonks. And she's not an easy character to get right, mind you. We see so little of her in the books, and a lot of what's there is actually contradictory. She goes from being Moody's awkward, clumsy, somewhat foolish sidekick in OotP to being this woman who basically forces Remus to come to terms with his feelings by the end of HBP. It's hard to draw a bead on her, and I think you did a good job with it. I like the way she feels threatened by the new American Auror who also happens to be a female metamorph. This sounds a great deal like her, even though her abilities make her a valuable asset to the Aurors no matter what, as you rightly have the other characters point out.

I liked the majority of her conversation with Draco. I was a little surprised that she wouldn't have known who he was. Whether or not she had ever met him face to face, the Malfoys are a very prominent family. Since Lucius has also been suspected of being a Death Eater for a long time, it seems like the Aurors would have taken an interest in the family. That point aside, I really liked the conversation between the two of them, especially Draco's realization that Tonks and Andromeda might be the only worthwhile family he has left in the world. It was interesting that the two of them sort of ignored the subject of their other aunt. Not good or bad, just interesting.

Lastly, I like that you're finding small ways to weave Saleena in with the rest of the characters. I did think that her new-found love of life at the Burrow was too much, too fast, but I can understand why she would come to like the people there. I'm just not ready to see her move in yet, if you take my meaning. The "moment" that she shares with Remus regarding Sirius was well done. I hope that the two of them can connect even more over his memory.

So on to some things that I wasn't so wild about. At the very top of the list was the way you wrote McGonagall. I thought her dialog was much too informal. It didn't really sound like her. Also, the way that she enters the scene and instantly confirms for Saleena everything that Molly, Arthur, Remus and Tonks just finished denying seemed very hard to believe. I felt like there should have been a much longer conversation before Minerva revealed anything to Saleena about the Order. Lastly, the way that she essentially says, "if you won't answer all of our questions, you must be hiding something" bothered me. It may very well be what she was thinking, but it was a very undiplomatic statement for her.

The other thing that really stuck out was the way that Harry snapped at Molly and essentially ordered her to stop questioning them about their activities. So far, you've built Harry up to be a very level-headed, pragmatic leader. I honestly really loved the way you've characterized him except for that moment. It just isn't something I could ever imagine him saying, especially not to the woman who has been his surrogate mother for so many years. The message was right, but I think it should have been delivered much more sensitively.

Now I'm very interested to see where you'll be taking the story next. The characters on The Good Side all seem to be lining up and joining together nicely. Introductions have been made, the band is playing and it's time for everyone to dance. Back again soon...

 Report Review

Review #44, by CambAngst |Chapter 3|Same Side Now

30th September 2012:
Hi, there! Here I am again, ready for more!

So here was the confrontation that was obviously brewing from the moment that the trio first walked through the door. I’ll try to take each conversation in turn, because they played out a little differently for me.

I thought the overall tenor of Harry’s conversation with Draco is what I would have expected. Harry is thoughtful enough, especially by this stage of the game, to be willing to reconsider Draco Malfoy. Especially if he accepts the things that Arthur and Saleena have told him about Draco.

As far as that premise goes, I guess I would have expected the possibility that Draco is some sort of spy to at least cross their minds. Perhaps not a knowing or willing spy. It seems unlikely that anyone -- and especially not Draco -- would be devoted enough to Voldemort’s cause to sustain the kind of injuries that Draco arrived at the Burrow with just to use them as a cover story. But the possibility that Draco is somehow under the Imperius Curse or that Voldemort has placed some sort of enchantment on him that will kick in at a later time both seem like the kind of things that the Order would consider. At least Moody would. You haven’t said whether he’s still alive in your timeline. Perhaps we’ll see him later.

Once Harry is in the room with him, the little dance that they do seemed realistic enough to me. Draco starts out not trusting Harry at all while Harry is just sort of taking him in an assessing the situation. Draco tries as hard as he can to drive Harry away, but Harry merely waits him out. This is no longer the angry, temperamental Harry from OotP with the hair-trigger temper. This is an older, somewhat wiser Harry who has clearly seen enough death and danger to give him a little more perspective.

For Draco’s part, his walls begin to come down, as well. He wants to keep fighting, pushing away the people he’s considered enemies for as long as he’s known them. But in the end, he simply has nothing else to fall back on. No family, no money and his body is broken to the point of surrender. I also sense a strong desire on his part to take his revenge against his father and the Dark Lord. To do that, he’s going to need all the help he can get.

So all of that made complete sense. Now on to the constructive criticism. I feel like you’re still struggling to zero in on these characters’ voices. Their dialog -- and particularly Harry’s -- seems to wander back and forth between overly formal (“For your information, I think that Voldemort is a sick, demented monster who must be stopped!”) and very colloquial (“I mean, look at us! We’re actually having a normal conversation. I dunnow,” Harry shrugged his shoulders again. “I guess it just sortta feels nice to not have to always be fighting for a change.”) In most instances, I prefer the more colloquial approach as long as you don’t veer into things that sound more American than British.

Ron’s conversation with Draco was very, very harsh, I thought. And I fully get where Ron is coming from, mind you. Draco tormented him ruthlessly at every opportunity throughout their school years. The Malfoys have been nothing but terrible to his family, and I’m certain that out of the trio, he would have the worst objection to Draco’s presence inside the house. Taking all that into account, I thought the way that he belittled and antagonized Draco was spot-on.

What did seem a little strange to me was his brief foray into feeling sorry for Draco when Harry tells him about Narcissa’s death. For a paragraph or two there, I felt like the tide of the conversation was about to turn, only to have it turn on a dime and return to being nothing but confrontational. It left me wondering just a bit what the function of that part was meant to be. If the idea was that a seed of sympathy for Draco was being planted in Ron’s mind, somebody had better water that seed quickly! Because Ron was going completely scorched earth by the end of the conversation.

For his part, I thought Draco opened up to Ron to a really surprising extent. He was really trying, it seemed, and Ron just slammed the door in his face again and again. It was a very unusual characterization, the sort of thing that left a strange aftertaste of Dramione on the roof of my mouth. I really hope that’s not where you’re planning to go with this.

So on the balance, I liked where this chapter took the story. You opened up some inroads for Draco to expand his role in the war against the Dark Lord. You built something resembling a bridge between Draco and Harry. You definitely tore down a wall or two for Draco. You gave us a very clear look at where Ron is coming from and how steep of a climb Draco has in front of him to win over some of his new “allies”. Where the story has the most room to improve is fine-tuning the dialog to make these 17-year-olds consistently sound like 17-year-olds. Back for more soon!

 Report Review

Review #45, by MrsJaydeMalfoy |Chapter 32| Somonus Mushrooms

23rd September 2012:
*Runs in to snag spot* I. AM. # 400!! YESS!! :D *Does victory dance* Okay, enough of my sillyness and on to more pressing matters - the chapter!!

As I said before, this chapter is amazing, and wonderfully well-written! I really loved the cunning side of Roxi that we see here. She handles everything SO perfectly, and you did an amazing job portraying her as well as her emotions here!

I just wanted to jump into the chapter and laugh along with her when Greyback realized what was going on... it was just TOO perfect! It was really scary to see that the others had nearly reached her before falling out, though!

Absolutely amazing, and I can't wait to see what happens when Roxi gets to the Burrow! *Squeals* Well done dear; 10/10!

 Report Review

Review #46, by CambAngst |Chapter 2| The Healer

16th September 2012:
Hello, again, dear! Let’s dig back in, shall we?

So I'll harp on a point for just a moment here before I dig into the real substance of the chapter. The way you introduce Saleena -- In an office at St. Mungo's, the Head Healer of the Memory Recovery Department, Miss. Saleena Blackwell, was... -- is a case in point of where I think you could draw your readers in even more by sharing information a little more gradually to create a sense of intrigue. You could've started off with something like, "In an office at St. Mungo's, the head of the Memory Recovery Department was..." See what that does? You read it and your first thoughts are something like, "what does memory recovery have to do with what I just finished reading about Draco and the Weasleys?" And you keep going to find out. Then you could have dribbled in her last name and a couple more details when her secretary interrupted to announce the arrival of her mother. Lastly her mother could have supplied her first name. That way, you avoid using exposition to supply information that fits nicely into the context of the story.

So we have a mysterious young woman who is fleeing a past that she no longer wants to be part of. It's an interesting setup for this healer who, I take it, is meant to swoop in and save Draco's life. It seems like her life is a tremendous contrast to his. He has embraced his destiny from birth. Raised to be the future of the Death Eaters. Believing in the values he's been taught and in his importance as a member of the cause. While Saleena is the exact opposite, it seems. She rejects all that her family believed in and tried to teach her. If somebody is going to help to change Draco's mind, she seems like somebody with a good story to draw on.

Her mother is interesting. She seems to genuinely care about her daughter and be hurt by the animosity and rejection. But she also comes with an agenda. And it isn't a purely selfish agenda. It’s clearly a lose-lose situation for the Gypsies and the rest of the magical world if they decide to align themselves with the Dark Lord.

Near the end of their conversation, the dialog seemed a little strange to me. Saleena has spent the entire conversation explaining how she is unwilling to return to her people, but the prospect of her mother crying seems to shake her resolve. The fact that her mother also refused to leave the clan, even if they joined Voldemort, also seemed like kind of a stretch if she’s already been basically disowned. I get why it's probably needed plot-wise, but I would've expected her to be more reluctant. It seemed like Saleena was too free sharing information with her mother about the Malfoys. She doesn't really seem to trust her mother, and her clan is preparing to alight with Voldemort. It seems to me like she wouldn’t have let any of that slip.

And then we're back at the Burrow. Saleena gets right down to business, as you'd expect. I like the awkward tension between her and Molly. Since none of these people know one another, they shouldn't be instantly chummy. One line jumped out at me as being kind of cliche: "They are the result of a dark magic, which I have never seen before, which can only mean one thing; that Voldemort is growing stronger." This reads like one of those lines from a super hero serial that’s followed by the "dum, dum, DUUM" sound effect. Aside from that, I'm not sure why Saleena would know or care about Voldemort's movements. It was one of those things where I read it and sort of cringed and thought, "she didn't have to go there."

The trio's reaction seemed about right. If they’ve been on the run, hunting horcruxes and fighting with Death Eaters, he's doubtless one of the last people on earth they want to share a roof with. You haven’t given us too much insight into what the trio has been doing in your particular version of events, so it’s hard to comment much beyond that. Ron’s anger definitely felt and sounded like Ron. Hermione seemed a bit on the hysterical side, but within the realm of believable. Harry seemed to take it all in stride, which makes him seem older and like more of a leader.

When they meet Saleena, again I felt like she opened up to them a bit more than I would have expected about her relationship to her mother’s family. It’s the sort of thing that would seem to invite questions, and she plainly doesn’t want anyone to know about her Gypsy roots. It was neat to see her and Harry connect a bit over Sirius. They plainly both miss him a lot.

You’re making me very curious about what happened to Draco when he was a year old and what Saleena was able to do for him. Was his affliction related to Voldemort or maybe his first defeat? When Saleena healed him, did she in any way affect his bond to Voldemort? Curious...

Saleena’s conversation with Draco was long and filled with interesting developments for him. He’s definitely a three-steps-forward-two-steps-back kind of character. At times, he seems so close to being able to admit to the emotional agony that he’s feeling. But then he snaps the doors closed and retreats back into himself. He has so much conditioning and upbringing to overcome. As much as he hates his father, the man’s words seem to dominate his every feeling and reaction.

The scene with the teddy bear was horribly sad. That did more to humanize Draco Malfoy and bring his character into focus than the rest of the chapter combined.

And the way he lashes out at Saleena when he realizes that she’s seen his secrets... ouch. He is so caught up in his pride and anger that he even risks his relationship with the one person in the world who seems to be unconditionally willing to take care of him. His head is seriously messed up.

Your writing was good throughout this piece. I saw some typos here and there, but the 6,000 character limit is seriously crimping my style and I figured you’d get more out of my comments on the substance than the little stuff.

 Report Review

Review #47, by MrsJaydeMalfoy |Chapter 31| Rescue Mission

15th September 2012:
*Stares at the review count for this chapter with raised eyebrows* Only one?? Well I'll just have to fix that, won't I?? :P

So I'm pretty sure I've already told you everything about how amazing I think this chapter is, but I'll say it again! :D Rather than throw out all the same compliments, though, I'm going to focus on my favorite part of the chapter.

It was the "One" "Two" "Three" bit. I can't really explain why, it's just so intense and action-packed, but not at the same time... if that makes any sense. It's like I was holding my breath to see what was going to happen when she got to "Three", and you certainly didn't disappoint! :D

Absolutely FANTASTIC, love! GREAT job; 10/10!!

 Report Review

Review #48, by MrsJaydeMalfoy |Chapter 30| From One Prison to the Next

15th September 2012:
Okay, so in coming to leave you a review for Chapter 31, I realized that I hadn't left a review for Ch. 30!! *headdesk* I don't know HOW that happened, because I could have sworn that I'd reviewed it, but anyway... that just means double reviews for you tonight! :D

Sooo, I know I've probably said it a zillion times, but I just LOVED this Chapter. It's so tense... Roxi literally goes from one prison to another, so that's a well-thought-out title! :D I loved the description and just... everything! (Except for Greyback... I don't quite like him. :P) Well, I like him in a villainy-way, but I digress.

Great chapter, love! 10/10!

 Report Review

Review #49, by CambAngst |Chapter 1| A Difficult Decision

7th September 2012:
Hello, again! Back for more!

So let's see whether I have this all figured out: Two years after Dumbledore's death -- which would have been about a year after the end of Deathly Hallows, if I'm following correctly -- the wizarding world is still at war. It seems like things are still tilting toward Voldemort's favor, but it obviously happened much more gradually than the way events played out in DH. Scrimgeour appears to still be hanging on, the Trio completed their final year of school before going on their horcrux hunt, and Percy has yet to reconcile with the family. Do I have that all correct?

From the outset, I thought there was a lot of contrast in the picture you set out for us. As dark as the events surrounding him seem to be, Arthur's life still has a strong element of normality to it. Even though the Order appears to be losing the war to Voldemort and dwindling in numbers, Arthur still goes to work each day and returns home to the Burrow. The twins are running their shop, apparently rather successfully. Ginny has gone back for her seventh year. Percy is still a prat. There seem to be a lot of highs and lows, existing side by side. It sounds a lot like the wizarding world, to be honest. Normal-looking on the surface but bubbling with turmoil and intrigue underneath.

I noticed in the first section that you were sometimes changing tenses during the narrative. One example would be: "Good help was getting so hard to come by now because no one wanted to work at the Ministry. Everybody knows that Voldemort is desperately trying to gain control over it and no one wants to be there when he does." Also, the whole thing was delivered as narrative, loosely told from Arthur's point of view. To me, I would have liked to have seen this mixed into a conversation between Arthur and Molly. It would have given you a chance to draw out both characters and their relationships as well as allowing them to put their own spin on the events playing out around them.

So Lucius's letter... I really like the underlying sentiment. It's exactly how I think he would react to being betrayed by Voldemort in such a terrible fashion. One could quibble over whether Arthur Weasley is the surrogate parent he'd choose, but it seems obvious that he'd choose somebody on the other side. Somebody who was not in any way beholden to Voldemort or constantly in the Dark Lord's presence where their thoughts might betray Draco. His pleas for mercy seem totally appropriate. What I'm not wild about is the length and the wording. I have to assume that this was written under duress. He and Snape only had a small amount of time to spirit Draco away. This letter is very long. I can't imagine him having this kind of time. The language is also too informal for Lucius in certain places. I could see it being fragmented and rough due to his mental state, but phrases like "she’s the best there is!" sound too effusive, no matter how stressed out he is.

Molly's anger! Whew! Breath-taking! I have to say that I agree with the majority of her points. If the Dark Lord learns what the Weasleys have done... Well, it will bring his anger directly down on their heads. I'm sure they're not his favorite people to begin with. It was a bit odd how you switched narrative voices in the middle of this. Suddenly, I'm inside Molly's head, reading her thoughts gradually shift to be more understanding of Draco's state. It did help to ease the transition from her being angry to more accepting, but I think it would have been less jarring if you could have talked it out between the two of them.

I noticed a couple of typos that you might want to take another look at:

-- "Percy only usually ever asked his father about work the Order, he never once asked about his mother or any of his family members were doing." - this sentence has issues. Maybe "work or the Order"? "asked about how his mother or..."? I also think it would be better as two sentences.

-- "but please, just hear me out!" - But should be capitalized

So now Draco is under the care of the Order, and we're about to meet this mysterious Healer, I take it. Interesting stuff. I'll be back again soon!

 Report Review

Review #50, by CambAngst |Prolouge| Blessed With a Son

5th September 2012:
Hello, dear! So very sorry! This took me so much longer than I expected!

So from the outset, your premise is absolutely chilling! The idea of Lord Voldemort, himself, overseeing the birth of a child makes my skin crawl. I can't even imagine the suffering and horror that poor Narcissa suffered. The experience is very trying to begin with. Then to experience it with no medical support, in the company of an evil madman. I feel terrible for her.

The idea that Voldemort would be so demanding of Lucius's time that he would not permit the distraction of a child is so Voldemort. Or perhaps it really has nothing to do with Lucius's time. Perhaps this is just another way that the Dark Lord chooses to assert his dominance over his closest followers. The vow that he extracts from Lucius is also perfectly in character for him. Completely egotistical and self-serving. This reads so much like him. I think you nailed it!

Holy crap! Voldemort just put the Dark Mark on a newborn baby! His possessiveness really does have no limits!

As far as Voldemort's dialog goes, I think parts of it could use some work. Voldemort's words always seem to have a certain elegance. Similar to Dumbledore, the man knows how to turn a memorable phrase. Wording like, "friendly little reminder" and "little agreement" are, I think, too colloquial for the Dark Lord. Some of the sentences are also pretty long, whereas I've always found Voldemort's statements to be very compact and to the point. It's something to think about.

So once again, I think I see Voldemort's greatest failing starting to play out. He is so convinced that Draco is going to hate Lucius and Narcissa. He doesn't see any way that the boy will ever be able to love. It's classic Tom Riddle. Maybe this is just me reading too much into things, but I like the idea.

Narcissa is so strong in this chapter. The way she reassures her husband that he has only done what he had to do sounds so much like the woman I remember from the end of Deathly Hallows. The woman who was willing to defy Voldemort and lie to his face in order to save her family.

The way that you wrote little Draco's effect on Lucius was beautiful. As a father, I can definitely relate. There's no peace quite like holding your child and feeling them be happy and content. I love the way that it strengthened Lucius's commitment to doing right by his son. To making the most of every moment he would be allowed to have and to trying his hardest to prepare and protect Draco.

Their fears for Draco's future -- that he might actually embrace the Dark Lord's brand of evil -- were an interesting twist. This is not canon Lucius, who was always fascinated with the Dark Arts in a dabbling sort of way. He is legitimately frightened that his son could turn into a monster on par with Voldemort. To me, it was a really great way to take these characters and put your own special twist on them. You're carving out your own path early in this story, making it distinct from the path laid out in the books, and I think that's important for a story with such an obviously different vision.

"Such was the way of things when Draco Malfoy was born into this cold, dark, lonely and cruel, unforgivable world." - I loved this as a closing line.

Overall, I thought that there were some places in this chapter where less would have been more in terms of the way you wrote things. The events you're describing are so dark and terrible. If it was me, I would have tried to keep the narrative much more spartan, squeezing out every unneeded word to make the descriptions as stark and blunt as Voldemort's presence. I actually really like your underlying sentiments. They all make perfect sense. If you could make the style of the writing match the tension of the scene and the characters' emotional turmoil better, you'd have something really excellent here!

So I think you have a good start to a very interesting premise. And, yes, I have read ahead just a bit, so I have an idea of where you're taking the story. This chapter is a great introduction and it sets the stage for what's going to happen to Draco in the next chapter or two. Until next time...

Author's Response: Ooh, you are GOOD! You're not reading too far into things at all, lol!! I absolutely LOVE watching readers figure things out, and wow, you really seem to catch on FAST, haha!! ;)

You should see the huge smile on my face right now. Just to hear that you thot Voldemort was chilling has practically made my LIFE right now, lol! See, Voldemort is THE HARDEST character for me to write. I used to be SOO unbelievably bad at it. (You should have read the prologue that was up here before I edited it last year, lol.) His character simply would NOT be near as strong in this if is hadn't been for my awesome Beta, Katie. She really gets his character, and she gave me some remarkable suggestions for Voldemort's dialogue that really helped me write his parts a LOT! I mean, the ideas behind everything were all mine, but I have to give some of the credit for the execution of his parts to her as well... But thank you SO MUCH for the great comments, I love it!! =D

When you put it like that, I really do see what you're saying about the "less is more" thing tho. I will certainly take that into consideration, especially with the chapter I am writing right now, and also when I go back thru this and prune it up... One of these days, lol! =P

I am glad you liked the closing line. I usually like to try and bring the beginning back into the end a bit to make everything come full-circle. I loved everything you had to say about Lucius and Narcissa, and I am glad you thot that this was such a great, strong introduction. Thank you so, so much... For everything!! You are awesome!! :)

 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login

<Previous Page   Jump:     Next Page>