Oh my goodness. Voldemort really is terrible, isn't he? I think the entire idea you created in this chapter, all the new twists, were really awesome. You aren't accountable to any non canon here, because it's obvious this story doesn't follow canon details, so additions like the Dark Mark being added to Draco as a baby, and Lucius begging for his son to go untainted, fit in so well with the entire idea of the story that you give us in the summary.
I really liked the constating ideas of, would it be better for Draco to live, even if we must raise him in this terrible way? and, death would be better than this life. So many times in Harry Potter there are instances where you think these characters would be better off escaping with death. But they always (well, most of them) pull through, so I really love that you've continued on with that sentiment behind this. Right now baby Draco's world look so black, but he's in it and alive and hopefully he'll be able to survive. Ahh it's all just so feelsy.
Lucius's own anger at himself was very well done. I think it would be natural to endure that kind of guilt, and he probably parcially deserves it. But like him and Narcissa realize, they made a decision. The one they thought was best at the time.
This chapter did so much in terms of showing us the kind of world this little baby was brought into, and it added some serious chills factor with the idea of Voldemort standing over them, taking the baby straight from his parents' arms. ahh. It makes me sick. In a good way, though, the way you intended ;).
Awesome second chapter m'dear! I love reading new things, and this is starting out so different than anything else I've read, I'm positive I'll enjoy it :)
PS! Thank you SO much for the SotM nomination! That was so sweet of you. Today is my birthday, and I have to say that knowing you are liking my story enough to nominate it was an awesome present ♥Author's Response: OMGosh, I seriously had NO IDEA that today was your birthday, lol! In that case, Happy Birthday then!! Guess that all worked out pretty well, huh? Happy I could make your day so great hun, haha! ;)
& I'm SO glad that you approve of this one so much. It took me quite some time to get Voldemort's character just right. And I can't even begin to tell you how many times I re-wrote this prologue, just to make sure that I was wording everything in such a way that it got all the points I was trying to make across. For the longest time, this chapter was one of my least favorites. But then, once I finally took the time to make myself sit down and re-write it, it has actually became one of the ones that I am more proud of now. It took me some time to get it right, but I finally feel like it sets up the story for what's to come perfectly now. :)
That being said, I love that you have taken to this so well already. You know, I have always made it my goal to make this story as original and unique as possible, so to hear you sat that this is unlike anything you have ever read... Well, that right there has literally just made MY night complete, lol!! Thank you so much for the wonderful review hun, I really appreciate it!! And I hope you win SotM too; you definitely deserve it!! Can't wait to see what you think in the the next chapter! :D Report Review
Hi there darling! I'm so excited to be reviewing your story! I really love a Draco centered fic that doesn't involve Hermione :P
I love the intimacy you give us with Draco in this intro. The way he addresses us readers, paints this terrible sad picture of a little boy who really didn't have any choice but to grow up the way he did...
I also like that you've made his father this way. Cold, hard, clearly depriving his son of all the thins a child needs to emotionally grow and mature.. pure little blonde boy :(.
The section about this not being another book about Harry was awesome! I really loved not only the bit of anger we see in that, but the fact that it is so true coming from Draco's perspective! I also like that he is blaming his actions on his family. People can endure hell and still turn out okay, and maybe now that he's telling his story we'll see that 'okay' and watch him grow from a money spoiled but love deprived child into so much better of a man. We see the beginnings of it during DH, and I'm so excited to read about the person he became after that!
I still can't get over how sad it is to imagine this child, trying so hard to please his father, but just getting more and more criticism in place of pride. Poor lil Draco. I want to huggle him :(
I'm so excited to be starting this, m'dear! And I can't promise I'll get through all the chapters in the month either, but I'll absolutely keep reviewing past this month!!
JamiAuthor's Response: Hello there, it's good to see ya!! & I'm glad to see that we both seem to share the same loathing for all things Dramione, haha!! XD
Now I know a lot of people don't tend to like the talking-at-you approach I took with this, but I felt like he deserved a chance to have his voice heard right at the beginning, you know? So I'm glad you that you really seemed to like that as well. :)
And you're right; Draco didn't really have any other choice in the matter growing up. It's good that you're already reading so much into Lucius' character already, lol. You will soon see why he treated Draco the way that he did tho.
Haha, that line about Harry is actually one of my favorites so I'm glad you enjoyed it too! You will probly want to huggle Draco even more as this story goes on tho, and I am perfectly fine with that, haha! I wish I could hug him myself sometimes, the poor kid. He really does go thru hell...
Thank you so much for all of the wonderful compliments hun, I really appreciate it. Can't wait to hear your thoughts on the rest of the story as well!! =) Report Review
I love this story! I can't wait to hear the next chapter, I've been reading this story every chance I get and I think its really good :) keep up the good work!Author's Response: I'm so glad you like it, thank you so much!! I actually JUST finished the next chapter, and it is in the editing stages right now. So be on the lookout for a new update coming soon!! I hope you will stop back and share your thoughts with me again, I really do appreciate the review! Thank You!! =D Report Review
Hello, again, Deana dear! Bit by bit, I'm going to work my way through your story!
Let's start with the good things. I liked seeing Draco start to progress. He's up and about and seemingly starting to integrate with his new "family" just a bit. He's keeping mostly to himself, it seems, which I think is a good decision. He's been through enough shocks recently that I can't imagine him rushing headlong into anything. Things are probably still quite frosty between him and Ron. That's a point I would have liked to see you touch more on in this chapter, actually. Since the trio are the only people in the house who are near to Draco's age, there is a natural opportunity there for some form of camaraderie, even if it is very strained at first.
I also thought you did a terrific job with Tonks. And she's not an easy character to get right, mind you. We see so little of her in the books, and a lot of what's there is actually contradictory. She goes from being Moody's awkward, clumsy, somewhat foolish sidekick in OotP to being this woman who basically forces Remus to come to terms with his feelings by the end of HBP. It's hard to draw a bead on her, and I think you did a good job with it. I like the way she feels threatened by the new American Auror who also happens to be a female metamorph. This sounds a great deal like her, even though her abilities make her a valuable asset to the Aurors no matter what, as you rightly have the other characters point out.
I liked the majority of her conversation with Draco. I was a little surprised that she wouldn't have known who he was. Whether or not she had ever met him face to face, the Malfoys are a very prominent family. Since Lucius has also been suspected of being a Death Eater for a long time, it seems like the Aurors would have taken an interest in the family. That point aside, I really liked the conversation between the two of them, especially Draco's realization that Tonks and Andromeda might be the only worthwhile family he has left in the world. It was interesting that the two of them sort of ignored the subject of their other aunt. Not good or bad, just interesting.
Lastly, I like that you're finding small ways to weave Saleena in with the rest of the characters. I did think that her new-found love of life at the Burrow was too much, too fast, but I can understand why she would come to like the people there. I'm just not ready to see her move in yet, if you take my meaning. The "moment" that she shares with Remus regarding Sirius was well done. I hope that the two of them can connect even more over his memory.
So on to some things that I wasn't so wild about. At the very top of the list was the way you wrote McGonagall. I thought her dialog was much too informal. It didn't really sound like her. Also, the way that she enters the scene and instantly confirms for Saleena everything that Molly, Arthur, Remus and Tonks just finished denying seemed very hard to believe. I felt like there should have been a much longer conversation before Minerva revealed anything to Saleena about the Order. Lastly, the way that she essentially says, "if you won't answer all of our questions, you must be hiding something" bothered me. It may very well be what she was thinking, but it was a very undiplomatic statement for her.
The other thing that really stuck out was the way that Harry snapped at Molly and essentially ordered her to stop questioning them about their activities. So far, you've built Harry up to be a very level-headed, pragmatic leader. I honestly really loved the way you've characterized him except for that moment. It just isn't something I could ever imagine him saying, especially not to the woman who has been his surrogate mother for so many years. The message was right, but I think it should have been delivered much more sensitively.
Now I'm very interested to see where you'll be taking the story next. The characters on The Good Side all seem to be lining up and joining together nicely. Introductions have been made, the band is playing and it's time for everyone to dance. Back again soon... Report Review
Hi, there! Here I am again, ready for more!
So here was the confrontation that was obviously brewing from the moment that the trio first walked through the door. I’ll try to take each conversation in turn, because they played out a little differently for me.
I thought the overall tenor of Harry’s conversation with Draco is what I would have expected. Harry is thoughtful enough, especially by this stage of the game, to be willing to reconsider Draco Malfoy. Especially if he accepts the things that Arthur and Saleena have told him about Draco.
As far as that premise goes, I guess I would have expected the possibility that Draco is some sort of spy to at least cross their minds. Perhaps not a knowing or willing spy. It seems unlikely that anyone -- and especially not Draco -- would be devoted enough to Voldemort’s cause to sustain the kind of injuries that Draco arrived at the Burrow with just to use them as a cover story. But the possibility that Draco is somehow under the Imperius Curse or that Voldemort has placed some sort of enchantment on him that will kick in at a later time both seem like the kind of things that the Order would consider. At least Moody would. You haven’t said whether he’s still alive in your timeline. Perhaps we’ll see him later.
Once Harry is in the room with him, the little dance that they do seemed realistic enough to me. Draco starts out not trusting Harry at all while Harry is just sort of taking him in an assessing the situation. Draco tries as hard as he can to drive Harry away, but Harry merely waits him out. This is no longer the angry, temperamental Harry from OotP with the hair-trigger temper. This is an older, somewhat wiser Harry who has clearly seen enough death and danger to give him a little more perspective.
For Draco’s part, his walls begin to come down, as well. He wants to keep fighting, pushing away the people he’s considered enemies for as long as he’s known them. But in the end, he simply has nothing else to fall back on. No family, no money and his body is broken to the point of surrender. I also sense a strong desire on his part to take his revenge against his father and the Dark Lord. To do that, he’s going to need all the help he can get.
So all of that made complete sense. Now on to the constructive criticism. I feel like you’re still struggling to zero in on these characters’ voices. Their dialog -- and particularly Harry’s -- seems to wander back and forth between overly formal (“For your information, I think that Voldemort is a sick, demented monster who must be stopped!”) and very colloquial (“I mean, look at us! We’re actually having a normal conversation. I dunnow,” Harry shrugged his shoulders again. “I guess it just sortta feels nice to not have to always be fighting for a change.”) In most instances, I prefer the more colloquial approach as long as you don’t veer into things that sound more American than British.
Ron’s conversation with Draco was very, very harsh, I thought. And I fully get where Ron is coming from, mind you. Draco tormented him ruthlessly at every opportunity throughout their school years. The Malfoys have been nothing but terrible to his family, and I’m certain that out of the trio, he would have the worst objection to Draco’s presence inside the house. Taking all that into account, I thought the way that he belittled and antagonized Draco was spot-on.
What did seem a little strange to me was his brief foray into feeling sorry for Draco when Harry tells him about Narcissa’s death. For a paragraph or two there, I felt like the tide of the conversation was about to turn, only to have it turn on a dime and return to being nothing but confrontational. It left me wondering just a bit what the function of that part was meant to be. If the idea was that a seed of sympathy for Draco was being planted in Ron’s mind, somebody had better water that seed quickly! Because Ron was going completely scorched earth by the end of the conversation.
For his part, I thought Draco opened up to Ron to a really surprising extent. He was really trying, it seemed, and Ron just slammed the door in his face again and again. It was a very unusual characterization, the sort of thing that left a strange aftertaste of Dramione on the roof of my mouth. I really hope that’s not where you’re planning to go with this.
So on the balance, I liked where this chapter took the story. You opened up some inroads for Draco to expand his role in the war against the Dark Lord. You built something resembling a bridge between Draco and Harry. You definitely tore down a wall or two for Draco. You gave us a very clear look at where Ron is coming from and how steep of a climb Draco has in front of him to win over some of his new “allies”. Where the story has the most room to improve is fine-tuning the dialog to make these 17-year-olds consistently sound like 17-year-olds. Back for more soon! Report Review
*Runs in to snag spot* I. AM. # 400!! YESS!! :D *Does victory dance* Okay, enough of my sillyness and on to more pressing matters - the chapter!!
As I said before, this chapter is amazing, and wonderfully well-written! I really loved the cunning side of Roxi that we see here. She handles everything SO perfectly, and you did an amazing job portraying her as well as her emotions here!
I just wanted to jump into the chapter and laugh along with her when Greyback realized what was going on... it was just TOO perfect! It was really scary to see that the others had nearly reached her before falling out, though!
Absolutely amazing, and I can't wait to see what happens when Roxi gets to the Burrow! *Squeals* Well done dear; 10/10! Report Review
Hello, again, dear! Let’s dig back in, shall we?
So I'll harp on a point for just a moment here before I dig into the real substance of the chapter. The way you introduce Saleena -- In an office at St. Mungo's, the Head Healer of the Memory Recovery Department, Miss. Saleena Blackwell, was... -- is a case in point of where I think you could draw your readers in even more by sharing information a little more gradually to create a sense of intrigue. You could've started off with something like, "In an office at St. Mungo's, the head of the Memory Recovery Department was..." See what that does? You read it and your first thoughts are something like, "what does memory recovery have to do with what I just finished reading about Draco and the Weasleys?" And you keep going to find out. Then you could have dribbled in her last name and a couple more details when her secretary interrupted to announce the arrival of her mother. Lastly her mother could have supplied her first name. That way, you avoid using exposition to supply information that fits nicely into the context of the story.
So we have a mysterious young woman who is fleeing a past that she no longer wants to be part of. It's an interesting setup for this healer who, I take it, is meant to swoop in and save Draco's life. It seems like her life is a tremendous contrast to his. He has embraced his destiny from birth. Raised to be the future of the Death Eaters. Believing in the values he's been taught and in his importance as a member of the cause. While Saleena is the exact opposite, it seems. She rejects all that her family believed in and tried to teach her. If somebody is going to help to change Draco's mind, she seems like somebody with a good story to draw on.
Her mother is interesting. She seems to genuinely care about her daughter and be hurt by the animosity and rejection. But she also comes with an agenda. And it isn't a purely selfish agenda. It’s clearly a lose-lose situation for the Gypsies and the rest of the magical world if they decide to align themselves with the Dark Lord.
Near the end of their conversation, the dialog seemed a little strange to me. Saleena has spent the entire conversation explaining how she is unwilling to return to her people, but the prospect of her mother crying seems to shake her resolve. The fact that her mother also refused to leave the clan, even if they joined Voldemort, also seemed like kind of a stretch if she’s already been basically disowned. I get why it's probably needed plot-wise, but I would've expected her to be more reluctant. It seemed like Saleena was too free sharing information with her mother about the Malfoys. She doesn't really seem to trust her mother, and her clan is preparing to alight with Voldemort. It seems to me like she wouldn’t have let any of that slip.
And then we're back at the Burrow. Saleena gets right down to business, as you'd expect. I like the awkward tension between her and Molly. Since none of these people know one another, they shouldn't be instantly chummy. One line jumped out at me as being kind of cliche: "They are the result of a dark magic, which I have never seen before, which can only mean one thing; that Voldemort is growing stronger." This reads like one of those lines from a super hero serial that’s followed by the "dum, dum, DUUM" sound effect. Aside from that, I'm not sure why Saleena would know or care about Voldemort's movements. It was one of those things where I read it and sort of cringed and thought, "she didn't have to go there."
The trio's reaction seemed about right. If they’ve been on the run, hunting horcruxes and fighting with Death Eaters, he's doubtless one of the last people on earth they want to share a roof with. You haven’t given us too much insight into what the trio has been doing in your particular version of events, so it’s hard to comment much beyond that. Ron’s anger definitely felt and sounded like Ron. Hermione seemed a bit on the hysterical side, but within the realm of believable. Harry seemed to take it all in stride, which makes him seem older and like more of a leader.
When they meet Saleena, again I felt like she opened up to them a bit more than I would have expected about her relationship to her mother’s family. It’s the sort of thing that would seem to invite questions, and she plainly doesn’t want anyone to know about her Gypsy roots. It was neat to see her and Harry connect a bit over Sirius. They plainly both miss him a lot.
You’re making me very curious about what happened to Draco when he was a year old and what Saleena was able to do for him. Was his affliction related to Voldemort or maybe his first defeat? When Saleena healed him, did she in any way affect his bond to Voldemort? Curious...
Saleena’s conversation with Draco was long and filled with interesting developments for him. He’s definitely a three-steps-forward-two-steps-back kind of character. At times, he seems so close to being able to admit to the emotional agony that he’s feeling. But then he snaps the doors closed and retreats back into himself. He has so much conditioning and upbringing to overcome. As much as he hates his father, the man’s words seem to dominate his every feeling and reaction.
The scene with the teddy bear was horribly sad. That did more to humanize Draco Malfoy and bring his character into focus than the rest of the chapter combined.
And the way he lashes out at Saleena when he realizes that she’s seen his secrets... ouch. He is so caught up in his pride and anger that he even risks his relationship with the one person in the world who seems to be unconditionally willing to take care of him. His head is seriously messed up.
Your writing was good throughout this piece. I saw some typos here and there, but the 6,000 character limit is seriously crimping my style and I figured you’d get more out of my comments on the substance than the little stuff. Report Review
*Stares at the review count for this chapter with raised eyebrows* Only one?? Well I'll just have to fix that, won't I?? :P
So I'm pretty sure I've already told you everything about how amazing I think this chapter is, but I'll say it again! :D Rather than throw out all the same compliments, though, I'm going to focus on my favorite part of the chapter.
It was the "One" "Two" "Three" bit. I can't really explain why, it's just so intense and action-packed, but not at the same time... if that makes any sense. It's like I was holding my breath to see what was going to happen when she got to "Three", and you certainly didn't disappoint! :D
Absolutely FANTASTIC, love! GREAT job; 10/10!! Report Review
Okay, so in coming to leave you a review for Chapter 31, I realized that I hadn't left a review for Ch. 30!! *headdesk* I don't know HOW that happened, because I could have sworn that I'd reviewed it, but anyway... that just means double reviews for you tonight! :D
Sooo, I know I've probably said it a zillion times, but I just LOVED this Chapter. It's so tense... Roxi literally goes from one prison to another, so that's a well-thought-out title! :D I loved the description and just... everything! (Except for Greyback... I don't quite like him. :P) Well, I like him in a villainy-way, but I digress.
Great chapter, love! 10/10! Report Review
Hello, again! Back for more!
So let's see whether I have this all figured out: Two years after Dumbledore's death -- which would have been about a year after the end of Deathly Hallows, if I'm following correctly -- the wizarding world is still at war. It seems like things are still tilting toward Voldemort's favor, but it obviously happened much more gradually than the way events played out in DH. Scrimgeour appears to still be hanging on, the Trio completed their final year of school before going on their horcrux hunt, and Percy has yet to reconcile with the family. Do I have that all correct?
From the outset, I thought there was a lot of contrast in the picture you set out for us. As dark as the events surrounding him seem to be, Arthur's life still has a strong element of normality to it. Even though the Order appears to be losing the war to Voldemort and dwindling in numbers, Arthur still goes to work each day and returns home to the Burrow. The twins are running their shop, apparently rather successfully. Ginny has gone back for her seventh year. Percy is still a prat. There seem to be a lot of highs and lows, existing side by side. It sounds a lot like the wizarding world, to be honest. Normal-looking on the surface but bubbling with turmoil and intrigue underneath.
I noticed in the first section that you were sometimes changing tenses during the narrative. One example would be: "Good help was getting so hard to come by now because no one wanted to work at the Ministry. Everybody knows that Voldemort is desperately trying to gain control over it and no one wants to be there when he does." Also, the whole thing was delivered as narrative, loosely told from Arthur's point of view. To me, I would have liked to have seen this mixed into a conversation between Arthur and Molly. It would have given you a chance to draw out both characters and their relationships as well as allowing them to put their own spin on the events playing out around them.
So Lucius's letter... I really like the underlying sentiment. It's exactly how I think he would react to being betrayed by Voldemort in such a terrible fashion. One could quibble over whether Arthur Weasley is the surrogate parent he'd choose, but it seems obvious that he'd choose somebody on the other side. Somebody who was not in any way beholden to Voldemort or constantly in the Dark Lord's presence where their thoughts might betray Draco. His pleas for mercy seem totally appropriate. What I'm not wild about is the length and the wording. I have to assume that this was written under duress. He and Snape only had a small amount of time to spirit Draco away. This letter is very long. I can't imagine him having this kind of time. The language is also too informal for Lucius in certain places. I could see it being fragmented and rough due to his mental state, but phrases like "she’s the best there is!" sound too effusive, no matter how stressed out he is.
Molly's anger! Whew! Breath-taking! I have to say that I agree with the majority of her points. If the Dark Lord learns what the Weasleys have done... Well, it will bring his anger directly down on their heads. I'm sure they're not his favorite people to begin with. It was a bit odd how you switched narrative voices in the middle of this. Suddenly, I'm inside Molly's head, reading her thoughts gradually shift to be more understanding of Draco's state. It did help to ease the transition from her being angry to more accepting, but I think it would have been less jarring if you could have talked it out between the two of them.
I noticed a couple of typos that you might want to take another look at:
-- "Percy only usually ever asked his father about work the Order, he never once asked about his mother or any of his family members were doing." - this sentence has issues. Maybe "work or the Order"? "asked about how his mother or..."? I also think it would be better as two sentences.
-- "but please, just hear me out!" - But should be capitalized
So now Draco is under the care of the Order, and we're about to meet this mysterious Healer, I take it. Interesting stuff. I'll be back again soon! Report Review
Hello, dear! So very sorry! This took me so much longer than I expected!
So from the outset, your premise is absolutely chilling! The idea of Lord Voldemort, himself, overseeing the birth of a child makes my skin crawl. I can't even imagine the suffering and horror that poor Narcissa suffered. The experience is very trying to begin with. Then to experience it with no medical support, in the company of an evil madman. I feel terrible for her.
The idea that Voldemort would be so demanding of Lucius's time that he would not permit the distraction of a child is so Voldemort. Or perhaps it really has nothing to do with Lucius's time. Perhaps this is just another way that the Dark Lord chooses to assert his dominance over his closest followers. The vow that he extracts from Lucius is also perfectly in character for him. Completely egotistical and self-serving. This reads so much like him. I think you nailed it!
Holy crap! Voldemort just put the Dark Mark on a newborn baby! His possessiveness really does have no limits!
As far as Voldemort's dialog goes, I think parts of it could use some work. Voldemort's words always seem to have a certain elegance. Similar to Dumbledore, the man knows how to turn a memorable phrase. Wording like, "friendly little reminder" and "little agreement" are, I think, too colloquial for the Dark Lord. Some of the sentences are also pretty long, whereas I've always found Voldemort's statements to be very compact and to the point. It's something to think about.
So once again, I think I see Voldemort's greatest failing starting to play out. He is so convinced that Draco is going to hate Lucius and Narcissa. He doesn't see any way that the boy will ever be able to love. It's classic Tom Riddle. Maybe this is just me reading too much into things, but I like the idea.
Narcissa is so strong in this chapter. The way she reassures her husband that he has only done what he had to do sounds so much like the woman I remember from the end of Deathly Hallows. The woman who was willing to defy Voldemort and lie to his face in order to save her family.
The way that you wrote little Draco's effect on Lucius was beautiful. As a father, I can definitely relate. There's no peace quite like holding your child and feeling them be happy and content. I love the way that it strengthened Lucius's commitment to doing right by his son. To making the most of every moment he would be allowed to have and to trying his hardest to prepare and protect Draco.
Their fears for Draco's future -- that he might actually embrace the Dark Lord's brand of evil -- were an interesting twist. This is not canon Lucius, who was always fascinated with the Dark Arts in a dabbling sort of way. He is legitimately frightened that his son could turn into a monster on par with Voldemort. To me, it was a really great way to take these characters and put your own special twist on them. You're carving out your own path early in this story, making it distinct from the path laid out in the books, and I think that's important for a story with such an obviously different vision.
"Such was the way of things when Draco Malfoy was born into this cold, dark, lonely and cruel, unforgivable world." - I loved this as a closing line.
Overall, I thought that there were some places in this chapter where less would have been more in terms of the way you wrote things. The events you're describing are so dark and terrible. If it was me, I would have tried to keep the narrative much more spartan, squeezing out every unneeded word to make the descriptions as stark and blunt as Voldemort's presence. I actually really like your underlying sentiments. They all make perfect sense. If you could make the style of the writing match the tension of the scene and the characters' emotional turmoil better, you'd have something really excellent here!
So I think you have a good start to a very interesting premise. And, yes, I have read ahead just a bit, so I have an idea of where you're taking the story. This chapter is a great introduction and it sets the stage for what's going to happen to Draco in the next chapter or two. Until next time...Author's Response: Ooh, you are GOOD! You're not reading too far into things at all, lol!! I absolutely LOVE watching readers figure things out, and wow, you really seem to catch on FAST, haha!! ;)
You should see the huge smile on my face right now. Just to hear that you thot Voldemort was chilling has practically made my LIFE right now, lol! See, Voldemort is THE HARDEST character for me to write. I used to be SOO unbelievably bad at it. (You should have read the prologue that was up here before I edited it last year, lol.) His character simply would NOT be near as strong in this if is hadn't been for my awesome Beta, Katie. She really gets his character, and she gave me some remarkable suggestions for Voldemort's dialogue that really helped me write his parts a LOT! I mean, the ideas behind everything were all mine, but I have to give some of the credit for the execution of his parts to her as well... But thank you SO MUCH for the great comments, I love it!! =D
When you put it like that, I really do see what you're saying about the "less is more" thing tho. I will certainly take that into consideration, especially with the chapter I am writing right now, and also when I go back thru this and prune it up... One of these days, lol! =P
I am glad you liked the closing line. I usually like to try and bring the beginning back into the end a bit to make everything come full-circle. I loved everything you had to say about Lucius and Narcissa, and I am glad you thot that this was such a great, strong introduction. Thank you so, so much... For everything!! You are awesome!! :) Report Review
Oooh, this was a good start! It had me hooked at how Draco was talking to me but I'm excited to read the next chapters in 3rd person :)
I feel really bad for Draco already. I can clearly see why he's so upset and wants to get his story out. The part about telling his father that he loved him and then being rejected made me sad :( I hope they can fix up their relationship(:
I loved the cliff hanger at the end and I can't wait to start reading more into the story!
Nice chapter, Deana! :D
-AmandaAuthor's Response: AHHH, Amanda, you're heeerreee!!! *glomps* Omg, I am so excited that you are reading this, and so happy that you like it so much already!! You know, I was actually hoping to make people sympathize more with Draco in this, so I'm glad it made you feel for him. At least I know I got the right emotions across. And you will be seeing a LOT of the father/son relationship between Lucius & Draco in this, as that is actually the primary focus of this Novel. :)
And now I can't wait for you to start reading more neither, lol! I look forwards to hearing your thoughts, and seeing your reactions to the rest of all this as well... Oh, and I will most definitely be checking your stories out some time too now, so be on the lookout, haha!! Thanks again SO MUCH for reading/reviewing this for me hun. You're the best!! ;) Report Review
Hi, Roxi! So I think I like your idea -- I'm talking about your project swap idea, btw -- but I wanted to get a quick flavor for your story before committing.
It was an interesting idea to have Draco speaking directly to the reader in this introductory chapter. It definitely allowed you to lay some groundwork for the story and place Draco's perspective at a certain point in time, which I take to be 2-3 years after the war since he's 20 years old. To me, that's a pivotal detail because it's going to color his entire take on the events you're planning to tell us about. If this was a younger Draco, he wouldn't have lived through all of the traumatic events of HBP and DH. If he was much older, say around the time of the epilogue to DH, his feelings from the war would have had time to fade. This seems like a good time to capture his perspective when the hurt was still fairly raw, but he'd had a few years to sort of process everything.
You laid out a really interesting view of what life was like growing up inside Malfoy Manor. It seems that Draco was constantly rebuked by his father for not being good enough, starved for affection and forbidden to question any of his family's closely-held beliefs.
The part about never being good enough must have twisted the poor boy's head in knots. Because in public, his parents always seemed to be effusive in their praise of him. He was their only son, the heir and the future of both the House of Malfoy and the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black. It had to be so hard to both hear and try to live up to that public persona while always being told in private that you were failing at the task. No wonder he could be so nasty!
The last of affection is really heart-breaking. For some reason -- don't ask me why -- I've always had this image of Narcissa actually being a good mother. Maybe stiff, maybe aloof, and maybe she delegated most of the diaper-changing and other unpleasant chores to the elves, but a good mother nevertheless. She would have seen first-hand the effects of children growing up in a terrible, rigid environment: Bellatrix turned out insane and Andromeda ran off with a muggle-born. Perhaps her lack of good role models was the issue.
Anyway, as far as the affect this would have had on Draco, I imagine it explains his general tendency to treat people poorly and only appreciate them for what they can do for him, not for who they are. It goes a long way toward explaining why he preferred the company of flunkies like Crabbe and Goyle rather than equals. Finally, it shines a new light on his relationship with Pansy during his early school years. He likes her shallow, fawning affections because he doesn't understand how to reciprocate anything deeper than that.
And lastly, his family's beliefs, particularly in Voldemort. I've always thought the change in Draco between CoS and DH was incredible. In CoS, he's openly celebrating the attacks on muggle-borns, going on about the Heir of Slytherin. Fast-forward to the scene in DH where he's sitting at the table with the other Death Eaters while Voldemort tortures and kills Charity Burbage. He's haunted, too frightened to look at either Voldemort or the body floating in the air above. What a huge change!
In a sense, it seems like he grew up both hating and revering his father. He might not have liked the harsh treatment, but he never once considered the possibility that his father might be wrong about anything. Then, suddenly, he is forced to accept that his father was wrong about nearly everything. Voldemort is no savior, he's a monster and he doesn't care one bit about his followers. Even fanatical Death Eaters like Bellatrix are tortured when they fail to please him. When Crabbe sets the Room of Requirement on fire, who saves Draco's life? A mudblood, a blood traitor and the Dark Lord's mortal enemy. Draco's head gets popped into reverse when he's going forward at about 80 MPH. Harsh!
And lastly, there's love. I think it's going to be really interesting to watch Draco come to understand love. This is one of the more exciting things I'm taking away from this intro.
I think it's hard to get a good feel for your writing in a chapter like this, which has essentially no dialog. At times, I thought that the word choice was a bit too formal, but maybe Draco really thinks in such grandiose terms. I feel like I'll get a better feel as the story goes on.
In summary, I'm very intrigued. I want to move on to the next chapter and see where you're starting from and how you're going to take us inside Draco Malfoy's life. So for a first chapter, you definitely accomplished what you set out to do. Well done!Author's Response: OH. MY. GOSH. Would you just LOOK at this review?!? Holy cow, I think it's longer than the Intro, lol!! Omgosh, thank you soo much!! I am, like, seriously, speechless, lol!! =)
So glad you liked my project swap idea, btw. And sorry I haven't had time to start on doing yours yet. I've actually read your first 3 chapters and LOVED it!! There's just been so much going on. But yeah, focus. This review... Ok, so wow. No one has EVER had so much to say about just this Introduction before. It's so exciting to have another Draco enthusiast reading/reviewing this right now. I cannot wait to get your insight on the rest of this story as well! :)
In this, Narcissa was a good mom to him, no worries. She was actually the one who he connected the most with, as she went to bat for him several times while he was a kid. In my version, Narcissa was the one who wanted Draco to have a childhood, while Lucius was the over cautious one, hellbent on preparing their son for the Dark Lord's inevitable return. But yeah, you'll get more fun-facts about their family as the story goes on. I'm glad you caught onto why Draco (or at least my version of him) had such a bad attitude towards others in school tho. Like I mentioned to you before, I've always felt that Draco was a product of his upbringing, and he really was just ignorant to the fact that his family's way of thinking is wrong.
And I just love how analytical you are already, lol! You've touched on a lot of rather good key points already, and it was a pleasure to see how much you picked up on. I am excited now for you to meet Roxi and the other characters, and I cannot wait til you get to the parts with Lucius, haha!! Thank you so, SO MUCH for this. You have been so kind. Honestly, this Review has pretty much made my life. I cant stop reading it, lol! =P Report Review
The story is going very well and I am happy that she was able to get her mother out. I can't wait to read what happens next.Author's Response: Hey there! Thank you so much, I am glad you are liking the story so well. I am working on the next chapter right now, so hopefully the wait won't be TOO much longer... I can always let you know on the forums next time a new chapter goes up, if you'd like me to, cuz I would love to hear from ya again. Thanks so much reading & reviewing, I really appreciate it!! =) Report Review
I was right! I have read this before! I really can feel the desperation in Lucius' letter. You did a good job conveying the emotion of the scene. Arthur and Molly Weasley are such lovable people, you can't help but adore them. You've got strong characterization going on. My very canon mind is loving you right now.Author's Response: Oh, yay! Have you read ALL of it before tho, ot just the beginning? Either way, I hope you will stick around til the end this time, lol. ;)
Glad you like the emotion in the letter tho. A lot of people have disapproved of Lucius' letter, so it was good to hear something positive about it for a change, lol. I always work hard to get the emotions to come across just right, cuz I feel it's important to try and make the reader 'feel' something when they read. :)
And yes, I love Molly and Aurthur too, haha! who doesn't? You really thot they were to Cannon? Omg, that's so sweet, thank you!! I loved your reviews hun, thank you so much for taking time to read this (again) and review for me! And again, sorry it took me so long to respond. I promise to do a better job of it next time... If there IS a next time that is, lol!! ;) Report Review
I actually think I've read this story before! It seems awfully familiar. I'm sure that I have. This is a very unique point of veiw. You don't ever see how Narcissa and Lucius felt about Draco, it is a blind area of HP and this is a very believable way to fill in that blank. It's dark and eerie, but quite amazing.Author's Response: Have you really? Hmmm. Well did you review it already? Cuz I don't remember hearing from you before... Thanks tho, I am glad you liked my take on Lucius, Narcissa and their son. I actually updated the prologue and completely redid a lot of it, so maybe you read the old one? Idk, lol! Either way tho, I am glad you reviewed and glad you found it amazing, haha! Thank you so much! =) Report Review
Ooooh! I love seeing inside the mind of Draco Malfoy. I find him the most complex out of all the characters JKR wrote about. He's not one dimensional in any way he has this side of him that is very difficult to see, so seeing how he thinks is great! The flow was good in the into and it conveyed a lot of emotion. Good job so far!Author's Response: Hey, sorry it took me so long to respond to you. RL gets in the way of EVERYTHING sometimes... But thank you so much for the review. I am glad you liked my little intro! :) Report Review
It's Rosie with your requested review! :)
So first off, this was a great new take on the Malfoys, especially Lucius. Usually he is conveyed as a typical cold-hearted Death Eater, but I like how you actually gave him a heart. I mean, he obviously loves his son. Narcissa and Lucius' relationship is realistic as well. Some authors show their marriage as a forced one, but I'm glad you didn't have that.
I really liked the way you portrayed Voldemort. I hated him so much in this chapter (even more than usual D:) so congrats on that! :P
Overall I thought this was very well-written. The flow and pace was wonderful, and everything was easy to understand and follow. I didn't feel lost while reading, and that's great! :) The grammar was pretty well-done too.
I also loved the way you conveyed the mood. I could feel Lucius and Narcissa's tension and grief, and it made the story feel so much more real.
The only CC I have is to check over some of your comma usage. You have some commas in there that aren't necessary, and there are also places where commas are needed.
This was a great chapter! Well done! :)
~RosieAuthor's Response: Hey there! First of all, let me just apologize for taking so stupidly long to reply to this review. I know it was one of the rules, and I am SOO SORRY that is has taken me so long to get back to you on this. I will understand completely if you never wanna review for me again, lol... ^_^'
I was glad when you said you liked my take on the Malfoy's relationship tho. I wanted to write something different, to try and make people FEEL for the Malfoy family, and it seemed like the perfect challenge when started this. But I'll admit it has been fun, giving Lucius a heart, lol. So it made my day when you said you found it realistic, thanks! ;)
OMG, YES!! Voldemort's character was soo hard to write. He took LOTS of help from my awesome Beta, Katie, to get across. So, to hear someone say that they LIKED the way that he was portrayed absolutely makes my day every time, haha!! =D
Your comments are so lovely, I just can't stop reading them, lol. I'm so happy you thot it was so well-written and easy to understand and follow. The grammar bits are also thanks to my Beta, but I will certainly take the over-used commas into account on my next edit.
Thanks so much for this amazing and thoughtful review! It seriously made my day! And again, I am so sorry for taking so long to reply. If you can forgive me, I would love to re-request from you again. If you are still interested in reading more of this, that is. Only next time, if there is a next time, I promise not to take so long replying, lol! :)
~Deana~ Report Review
Okay, so this chapter is very long. Haha. Again, you also have some spelling and grammatical errors, so you might want to go through and read it to fix that.
Anyways, I liked the start with Kireonna and Saleena. It gave a detailed background information into Saleena instead of just introducing her as some random character. You actually had development for her which was good. The only thing is you don't need to put a period after Miss. The only time it needs a period is if you put Ms. Otherwise you put Miss without the period since it's a full word, not short for anything.
I liked the gypsy thing too. That was very interesting and a good twist, especially with her abilities and all.
The calling hard and how it glowed was quite interesting. That was something I had never read before, so I'm guessing that was all your idea. Very cool.
Saleena goes to the Weasley home, and she stays there for a week. Right away I question why she hasn't checked in at work, and I think anyone at her work, especially her boss would be worried about her. If she's high up in her department, that means there isn't anyone to replace her, so she wouldn't have a substitute there for her job. That means she should have checked in, although you did mention her going to St. Mungo's to talk to her boss, but even then, it seems like she would have checked in.
The trio shows up and of course, Ron is all flipping out with his typical Weasley temper. I thought that was spot on and Harry being the rational one made sense too since it was him who wanted to save Draco in the Room of Requirement when it was on fire and all that.
When Saleena talks to Harry, I feel that she gives a bit too much info as to how she knows Sirius. That felt very awkward to me because she doesn't know Harry, and they are strangers. Why would she tell him so much?
You also mentioned that Draco was poisoned and had internal bleeding. Why is his worst injury his shattered leg then? He was also starved for 3 months and dehydrated. Seems like the broken leg is the least of his problems.
I get Draco being upset about his father, but it seems as if he doesn't have the full story here. I think Lucius was under the Imperius Curse in order to do those things to Draco. I get his hatred, but it kind of made the second prologue feel pointless because of the insight we had into what happened, why Lucius did what he did.
Also, I get that Saleena has taken care of Draco since he was a kid, I still don't get that they would be close enough for Draco to open up to her so much about his father. I feel that was a bit OOC or awkward because it was strictly business, and yet he's opening up to her like they're friends. That just doesn't seem right to me.
The scene with the teddy bear though was very sad, and I hate Lucius for taking it away. Again, it's like Lucius turned into a jerk just to force Draco into that situation. It seems if he didn't want that for his son, he could have raised Draco like a Death Eater but at least been a caring father. Maybe that's just me.
Overall, I think this story is interesting, and I'm going to stop reviewing here. From what I've seen, you have quite a few reviews, and so I don't really understand why you would want to request anymore. You seem to be getting enough all on your own. :D
Still, if you want me to read further, you can request me again.
-Sara- Report Review
So this is the first actual chapter, and right away, I noticed several typos. Please be careful with that, so you might want to read through and try to fix some of them.
While I think it is nice for Lucius to come to the Weasleys for help, and it does make a lot of sense since they were always trying to help, always trying to persuade people into doing what's right, I felt the letter to Mr. Weasley was a bit long. While yes, Lucius needed to explain a few things and convince the man for help, the first rule of a letter, especially a business type letter or something of the like, is to be short and concise, get to the point. Honestly, if I were Mr. Weasley, I would have thrown down the letter after about two paragraphs or skimmed it over.
Second, I felt Mrs. Weasley was a bit OOC. Okay, so she usually has a temper and what not, but she is a very caring individual, and although the Malfoys and Draco in general have made mistakes, I think she wouldn't stand there and argue with her husband over what to do. I think she would try to take action and insist on taking Draco into the house, just as soon as she figured it wasn't a trap, and even then, I think she would be the type to possibly let a trap happen to her by accident due to her kindness. You have to consider all the years she spent taking care of Harry and even Hermione, welcoming them into her home as if they were her children. Keep in mind, they didn't try to kill anyone or do anything bad, but she still cared for them. I think if someone was that close to death, she would try to help them on the spot.
Also, I don't see why they are arguing about it right there in front of Draco. Even though he's deathly ill, he can still hear what they are saying. I don't blame them for having their doubts, but it just seems they could have been a bit more discrete about it, or had that conversation after taking Draco into the house and getting him help.
Now, I hope that wasn't too harsh since I'm just trying to be honest and all. However, I do like the fact that you had Molly say she didn't care about the money. That was in character for the Weasley family because the Weasleys never cared about money. They took care of their family with what they had, and so even if someone offered them a million Galleons or whatever, I'm sure they wouldn't accept it unless they had good reason, and not just because they wanted the money, so that was spot on.
I also like the fact that the first person Lucius comes to for help is Mr. Weasley. Although they were never friends, the Weasleys don't hold grudges that much, and Arthur and Lucius did see each other at the Ministry. It lets you know that Lucius is not so far gone, because he has enough sense to ask someone for help that he knew would be trustworthy and capable of taking care of his son. He knows the Weasleys did it right, and with the second prologue, we understand why Lucius raised Draco the way he did, but probably wishes he had done it the way the Weasleys had, so that was a nice touch.
Again, I hope this wasn't too harsh, but I wanted to point those things out. Again, onto the next chapter.Author's Response: No worries hun, you're not too harsh at all. The typo thing is a bit of a problem in these beginning chapters, I know. They're a good 5 years old now and my writing was not nearly as improved back then as it is now, lol. I REALLY need to find time to go back thru and do a mass clean out for, like, the fists 10 chapters of this story... One of these days, when RL stops being such a pain. =/
And I can totally see where you're coming from, especially about Molly. With this tho, I was more trying to show how much the war had been effecting The Weasley's. Therefore, Molly is supposed to feel a little more not like her usual self. She's over stressed and extremely worried about a LOT of things at this point, which causes her to be on-edge a bit. Draco was unconscious for that conversation tho, so he didn't hear any of it.
As for Lucius' letter, yeah, I agree. I have gotten so many comments on that bit. It is actually the next thing on my re-write/editing list. I know it needs updated, very much badly... Glad to know that you liked how he went to Arthur tho for help. Once again, you seem to have nailed MY Lucius right on the head, lol. How do you keep doing that? ;) Report Review
I think this second prologue ties things together rather nicely. You have the concept of Draco thinking his parents don't love him, and then you give a reason as to why they raised him the way they did, as to why he would think such things.
I absolutely hated Voldemort in this chapter, which means you wrote him superbly. I think it can be very difficult to write a villain in stories, and in this you did quite well. I think him marking Draco with the Dark Mark was quite cruel. I mean, a poor little defenseless baby! I can't imagine what that is like, not only to be the parents trying to protect him, but to feel so defenseless in the process. I can't imagine what it would be like for Draco growing up either, to look at that Dark Mark and feel as if he was branded and owned by Voldemort before he had the opportunity to learn otherwise. Quite a powerful scene within this prologue.
I like the interaction between Narcissa and Lucius too. I often felt that in other fanfics or even in the books, their relationship was sort of depicted as a necessity, that they were only together because of their blood status, but I did not feel that here at all. I felt they were actually in love, and I quite enjoyed that concept. It's nice to see that for a change.
Most importantly, I feel you have a very powerful Lucius in this story. He is willing to do anything to protect his son, even to the point of swearing him over to the Dark Lord, to making him property of Voldemort. It is just rather heart wrenching to read that, and it makes the reader sympathize with Lucius and Narcissa. I can't imagine what it would feel like to have a baby and then have someone take it away, but then to condemn your child to hell, that's something completely awful as well. It's like the lesser of two evils, so pick one. Very powerful.
The only thing I noticed wrong with this was a few typos, and you had a couple of spots where Lucius' name was missing. "was clearly distraught. How could he have not seen this coming? How could he inflict this horrible life onto his only son?" - There, and then you had it in the paragraph right after that spot as well, I do believe.
Overall, this was a very good prologue, and I even enjoyed it more than the first prologue from Draco's POV, just because this one felt more powerful with everything that happened.
Okay, onto the next chapter!Author's Response: *Squee* OMG, this is probly one of the BEST reviews for this that I have EVER gotten!!! Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!! You have NO idea how hard I worked on this prologue alone to get it just right. For the longest time, it was really sloppy and and everyone was waaay out of character. But then, about a year ago, I FINALLY took the time to re-write it and fix everything up. Ever since then, I have been wanting more feedback on this chapter and this review was just fantastic!! =)
There. Now that that's outta my system... I seriously made my day just now to see that you hated/loved Voldemort so well in this! I pretty much owe ALL of my characterization of the Dark One to my super-awesome BETA Katie. She rules at writing the baddies, and so she has really taught me a lot. I mean, Voldemort was SOO out of character before the re-write, you would not believe it, lol! ^_^'
SO glad that Lucius & Narcissa's relationship was conveyed the way I wanted it too. Like you said, they are often not portrayed as being "in love" like this, which is why I wanted to write something different. And, as I'm sure you know by now, she dies in the 1st chapter so this is the only time you actually get to see the 2 of the together in this story, unfortunately. ='(
I'm glad you picked up on Lucius' strengths, cuz that'll become key later on. If you decide to keep writing, I think you will be surprised to see this whole new side to him. He really becomes... desperate, for lack of a better word, as everything he's ever cared about is taken from him. A man who has nothing to live for has nothing to lose, if you know what I mean.
Grr. I hate it when my computer does that. For some reason, every time I transfer my chapters from my word program over to here it ALWAYS cuts something out or messes something else up. I constantly have to go back thru everything and add back in words, re-italicize things, and re-space some of the paragraphs too. It can be a downright pain sometimes! =/
Thanks SO MUCH for this incredible review and for making my day that much brighter! IDk if you live in the USA of not, but Happy 4th of July anyways, haha!! =D Report Review
Hello there. I'm here with your review request!
To start off with, I know that going from first to third person can be a rather dangerous feat, and at least this is a prologue, so it works well. It's nice to get some things out of the way, especially to summarize what your story is about. In that sense, the prologue is quite important to the concept of this story, so that works.
I like how you mentioned that to Draco, Voldemort felt like a part of the family, someone he grew up with, but not really. While he went to school and almost everyone spoke of him in a bad light, here he saw of him as a good man since his parents spoke of him that way and taught the beliefs of Voldemort. I don't think most fictions, or even Rowling took that way. She basically made it so the Malfoys followed Voldemort and made a lot of wrong choices due to being purebloods who believed in the cause. She didn't make it feel as if that was a way of life, as if Voldemort was a friend of the family in some sense. I like that concept a lot.
The only thing I'm confused on is how Draco knows his father loves him yet he clearly states that his father has never said it or anything of that nature. It makes it sound as if Draco doesn't know, so how could he claim his father loves him? Just thought I would throw that out there. It seems a bit contradictory to me.
Overall, this is a good start, and I'm going to move onto the second chapter now!
-Sara-Author's Response: Thanks you so much. I am glad that you liked the concept of Voldemort almost being like a friend of the family. No one has ever actually mentioned that to me before, so I really appreciate you bringing that up. :)
As far as him knowing that his father loves him, as you will see later on if you decide to keep reading; Lucius pretty much does everything he can to SHOW how much he loves and cares for his son, he's just very stubborn about saying it out loud. At one point in the story, Lucius tells Draco's girlfriend that he loves his son, and then she goes back and tells Draco that. So, this being from an end-of-the-story stand point, that is how Draco KNOWS, even tho Lucius has never said it... I hope that makes sence, lol! ^_^' Report Review
This is an amazing story so far, I love the way you've described Draco's past life. Roxi is pretty crazy, I'm not sure if I like her or not, she's pretty reckless. You haven't read the 7th book yet, have you? Some things don't quite add up. Great story anyway. :)Author's Response: Wow, this is an unexpected surprise, thank you!! I think you've pretty much nailed Roxi's character. She is pretty crazy, but hopefully she will grow on you, haha. I worked pretty hard on Draco's back story, so it was good to hear that you liked it. And yes, yes I have read book 7. I could hardly consider myself an HP fan at this point if I hadn't read it; or at least seen the movies, lol!!! This story is just Book Seven Disregarded. I know there should be a note about that in the story summary, but you're only allowed so many characters and I ran outta room... Thanks again for stopping by to review hun, I really do appreciate it! Hope to hear from ya again soon!! =) Report Review
I can see that you are definately more comfortable writing in third person than first person. It already flows so much better than the last one.
A few things: did Voldemort deliver the baby or was he just there watching? You may want to clarify that. And if he is the one delivering it, that is a little strange, so maybe another Death Eater is doing it? Voldemort would probably never deliver a baby if you want it to be believable.
After Lucuis makes the unbreakable vow, there is a line that got cut off, and then in the next line a word or two is missing. Its goes something like, "'Such are the conditions of our little agreement.'
was clearly distraught."
It's just missing a character there or something, and then in the next line a word is missing, but if you read it you will catch it easily.
I like the heart you gave Lucius, because I usually see him as a very evil character swept up in his own mind, and so deep in with Voldemort that he doesn't have time to notice his family's needs. I like where this is going, and I'm excited to see how this new look on Lucius is going to be like (for me, anyways)
The middle (after Voldemort had left) seemed a bit long, because they were talking about how Draco had no choice, and that Lucuis screwed up for a while. Maybe find a way to cut that part down a bit? It has great detail, don't change that. Just maybe get rid of some dialogue and express it through body language more? You tell us how they say things, but not how they look when they say these things.
I'll review the next chapter as soon as I can!Author's Response: Lol, yeah I barley had any experience with writing on 1st POV at all when I first started this story. I entered a Challenge tho that required me to wrote a story in 1st, so I think I'm a bit better at it now. =P
You know, I never really have given it much thot about who ever did the actual delivering before, the story just takes off after the birth. I guess I should probly add a line in there somewhere explaining that little detail tho, if it is causing confusion. You are absolutely right, it would be totally out of character for Voldemort to be doing the delivering, lol. Next time I edit, I'll be sure to mention something about him having another Death Eater present help do everything... Thanks so much for bringing that to my attention hun.
UGH! Every time I try to copy+paste my story from word over to here it ALWAYS does that!! I hate it when it glitches like that, grrr... Now that I will definitely get to fixing ASAP, lol! i didn't even know it was like that, so thanks for pointing that out too. :)
I was really happy to hear that you like my characterization if Lucius in this tho. He is definitely more family-oriented in this story, as you will see later on. I have tried to give his character some redemption here, so there is a lot of father-son stuff in this story. Hopefully you will enjoy that too tho. So I am looking forwards to hearing your thoughts on that aspect later on.
I don't really see where the conversation is dragging out at the end, but I guess I can read over it. Dialogue is more of my strong point, but I have been working on putting in a lot more detail in the later chapters. So hopefully you will see more improvement on that as the story moves progresses... Your reviews have been awesome and they have really helped quite a lot. I look forwards to hearing more of your thoughts in the chapters to come. Thank yo so much!! =) Report Review
Okay so this is what I am going to do... I'll read and review this, the prologue and the first three chapters, and if I like it, I'll review every now and then to let you know how it's going.
The story is very unique, and I was capitated by your portayal of Draco. He was very belivable, and in character. Although, wouldn't he call Voldemort, The Dark Lord? You might want to change that, because it was a little awkward hearing Voldemort come out of Draco's mouth. You also might want to call Harry "Potter," or "Saint Potter" more, because Draco never really calls him Harry.
So far the emotion is great, although in the begining you used exclaimation (sp?) points in places that made him sound too excited, or not like himself. The end paragraph may have had some too, but I'll get to that in a minute...
Things are happening at a very believable pace, and it isn't too fast or too slow right now. The last paragraph seemed a bit too rushed, and over emotional at times. (I hate ending chapters or scenes because they are so hard to write, but if you reread it, you'll probably end up fixing it naturally)
There were a few moments where your sentences were a bit too choppy, and short. My suggestion is reading the chapter out loud to a wall, and if it flows easily when you read it, it's fine.
You give us a nice view on what Malfoy thought of the war, and it was very realistic. It was great at informing us about his background, and I won't be lost in the next chapters because of this intro.
I want to read more, so yes it is captivating. I really want to know what the relationship between Draco and the Weasley's is going to be like, so I will review the next chapter as soon as I can!Author's Response: Well, I mean, that's ok with me if that's how you really wanna do it. I've kind of gotten enough feedback on the beginning chapters tho, in my opinion anyways. But you can't really ask someone for reviews on the later chapters if they've never even read the beginning ones, you know? So, I mean, if you want to review the 1st 3 you can, but you don't have to. I wouldn't mind it at all if you just wanted to skip the 3 reviews on those ones instead... I could PM you a list of the chapters I that I would REALLY like to have feedback on the most tho, if that works for you. :)
Ok, so the reason he refers to him as Voldemort is cuz, as you will see in the story later on, he sort of becomes a part of the order and they all call him by his name too. So I didn't feel that it would be too far a stretch for Draco to call him that as well. And this Prologue/Monologue thing here takes place after the story, at which point Harry & Draco have sort of settled their differences a bit. So that is why he is so comfortable with using Harry's actual name here. But I think it'll all make more sense later on in the end, you'll see, lol! ;)
Yes, yes, the dreaded exclamation points! For whatever reason, I used to use those silly things a LOT when I first started writing this story 4 years ago, lol. I seriously need to go back thru these 1st few chapters and amend that, I just haven't really had the time. It's hard enough as it is just keeping up with the updates tho, you know? =/
As for the emotion, I can tell you that this story has quite an abundance of it. I hope that you don't mind that tho, cuz Draco does get pretty upset in a few of my scenes. Not to give too much of it away or anything like that. My Draco is a little bit more... How shall I put this? Open than cannon Draco, if that makes sense. But there is a reason why, and I think that I do a pretty good job at explaining things in this story. But I guess I'll let you be the judge of that one tho, lol. I know that this kind of story isn't for everyone tho, so feel free to stop reading if it turns out to not be your cup of tea. I really won't mind, so long as you're honest with me... My endings will get a lot better tho, I can guarantee you that. I have a knack for leaving off with the worst of cliffhangers, lol, so you have been warned! =P
And surprisingly enough, I DO read all of my chapters out loud when I am done writing them. Or at least NOW I do anyways, lol. I have found that I do some of my best editing that way. So that was a very good suggestion tho, thank ya hun!! I am so glad that you found it to be realistic and it's good to know that everything is flowing at a believable pace. Thank you so very much for all of your help. I am looking VERY forwards to reading the rest of you reviews!! Happy reading, haha!!! =)
~Deana~ Report Review
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