Oh it's Teddy Lupin talking with Victoire.
*Yes I didn't look at the characters * Report Review
Hmm.is she talking about who i think she i talking about? Report Review
SO I'M FINALLY REVIEWING THIS BECAUSE ITS JUST TOO GOOD.
So you've started this off so wonderfully. You come up with this simple and totally strange first sentence where you infer something but then double-back and then change into something completely different to what the reader is expecting and I absolutely LOVED that. This has such a beautifully poetic tone to it. Honestly, the words just melt and glide and flit with each other - intertwining into this huge ribbon-y thingy that I just...can't even. iaofjhfsjk.
Okay before I completely lose my mind let me offer you a little bit of critique:
"alone if hadnít been for you." -- there should be an 'it' after 'if'.
Towards the middle (and a little after), I feel, that there are too many commas. Some of them are needed, but I think if you'll look over it again you'll see you don't see many of them.
"your lips taught" -- I think you meant 'taut' here.
And, erm, I think that's it for now. :P
"The ground swoops up beneath me and catches me achingly. The concrete embraces me and I am left, stranded and abandoned, in the open." -- these two lines are love on a platter. They are my absolute favourite our of the whole chapter. I am a sucker for personification and you've been doing SO well with it!
I love the small simplicity of the sentence 'That was a little white lie' because that's when all the thought processes mould together and he snaps and he's just all ssbisdueynjd. This is when my thought process and just general vocabulary go out of the window completely.
I just love the difference between human!Teddy and erm not-so-human!Teddy ahah. It was a surprise and it was so good and you left so much to the imagination and the visual aspects are so amazing.
Okay seriously I'm just fan-girling so hard over this and I really can't say anything else because I am so speechless.
I adore the last paragraph as well its just so wow and Teddy morphing into this other person and usually people who want to do something to get back at other people never really do it or just don't mean it. There's this weakness in them and Teddy no longer has it.
The last line is just so chilling and brilliant and argh you make me love Teddy even more. (':
Okay so enough before I... yeah, I'm not sure how this review could get anymore irrelevent and fan-girly, paha.
Hanzi xxx Report Review
I love this!! Well done!Author's Response: Aaw, thank you! Report Review
I really liked reading this. It's very different and dramatic. I love the way you phrase things with such intense adjectives and the haunting tone of it all.
But while most of it is fuzzy in a good way -mysterious, and whatnot- the end is so hazy that I'm not quite sure what happened...
I think she pushed him? I wasn't sure at first if she jumped too or if he jumped of his own accord with just some help from her...had he planned to jump? Or did he just give in and allow her to push him?
One thing I did like about the end was the small sense of closure.Author's Response: Victoire pushed Teddy off the cliff/island/Azkaban. She's just loca like that. Teddy knew that it would always end on her terms, I think, and so he sort of let it happen. Thanks for reading and reviewing! :D Report Review
This is really well done. I like the mystery and dramatics. The haunting descriptions are beautiful as well :)
I'm confused, though. I think I've been following so far, that it's a story about Teddy and Victoire, but did Victoire ACTUALLY kill the guy she cheated with? And she's locked in an asylum or prison?
Or was that meant figuratively? Because it seemed like it could have been figurative until I got to the part where she was locked up...I don't see how that can't be literal. Report Review
It's InTheShadowsIDwell back again for your second review, sorry it's taken so long to get around to, I've been swamped in work for the past month. Let me start by saying that I absolutely love the narration style, it's perfect and somewhat haunting to read him reflecting on the relationship in such a way, the second person perspective works well for this story, it gives it a very unique and kind of I guess, creepy feeling as you read. The fact that Victoire is being portrayed as almost this evil, villain type character is also really intriguing, because we are actually getting glimpses at how the relationship has formed.
I absolutely love the level of detail you give with this story, it's the perfect amount and leaves us with enough to wonder what is going to happen next while making the reader want more, the descriptions, the same, perfect. I love the description you put into Victoire and her actions, because they really give me, as a reader a good sense of her character and how she behaves, also the dialogue between her and Teddy works well because it reveals a lot about their relationship and the way that behind her beauty there is something much less so hiding beneath the surface.
Overall, I absolutely love this piece, I still remember the first chapter so clearly even though it's been over a month since I last read it, it's just so intense. I find it particularly interesting that Victoire wants to be ugly, although I'm not entirely sure why at this point, I only have my suspicions, but I find it incredibly interesting. There are so many lines I wish to mention that were particularly interesting, but I fear that if I actually start to mention them, I'll be writing forever, there are so many, that in so few words give us as readers so much information, but in particular, 'You define nature, not refine it.' really caught my attention.
I think you're doing a brilliant job with this story, it reads so perfectly that I really didn't want to stop, even to review. I look forward to finishing reading it in the future!
~ Ash Report Review
It's Ash from the forums here with your reviews! Let me start by saying your level of detail is absolutely fantastic! I absolutely love detail and the attention you have given in this particular chapter is amazing. It was easy to picture this scene, and your writing was amazing from start to finish. The second person perspective works well for this piece, it certainly created a strong connection with me as I was reading and that's always a good thing, and having it from Teddy's perspective works extremely well as I'm definitely interested to see where this goes. I've never particularly seen Victoire portrayed as some sort of monster but it makes sense the way you have written it. It's clear that it's an unhealthy relationship in a lot of ways, and I really think you've captured this well across this entire chapter.
I really can't fault anything about this chapter, and I really see very few areas where I believe it could be improved - certainly something rare to see when reading. The style of writing certainly works for you, I was amazed as a reader how effortlessly it seemed to flow, and the chapter passed by before I knew it, and I was definitely left wanting to read more. The last words were particularly haunting and left the reader with a sense of what was happening and what is to come in later chapters, and it seems to give a particular insight into the mind of Teddy that despite everything he is searching for her, stopping her from escaping. The only area I could possibly suggest perhaps changing a little is making it a little more clear who the narrator is as it did take me a while to figure out who it was, but it was made more clear towards the end so it's not a massive issue at all really, it was really the only thing I noticed overall.
You have created a really interesting beginning to this fic, and it's extremely well written. It's dark and it presents a ship that I've read quite a bit of in an entirely unique way, it's interesting that you've portrayed Teddy as half werewolf, but it's in a way which seems possible and is certainly believable considering it is the first I've read of such a thing happening to him. I think overall this is an excellent beginning to what sounds like it's going to be an extremely interesting story. Despite not having seen Victoire yet, you've given the reader enough information to draw some conclusions about her personality as well as Teddy's and I really can't wait to see what they are like if he manages to find her.
This was a great start to your story, it's hauntingly written and I'm sure it will stay with me for some time long after I've finished it! Keep up the amazing work!
~ AshAuthor's Response: Hi Ash!
Sorry it has taken me so long to reply to this amazing review! Really, it's been almost eight months - just blame my massive lack of productivity and my amazing procrastination skills. But here I am, finally, to respond to this amazing review - hopefully I will do it justice.
Really? Detail? This was my first time writing in this waffly, slightly flowery style, and the thing I was most worried about was whether the readers would even understand what was going on - vague metaphors and ridiculous imagery can sometimes means nobody has a clue what's going on. I was worried about that with this - but also making the mistake of revealing things too soon in the first chapter. Eh, confusing.
I love writing in second person perspective - it's definitely fancier, and I think, and the story seems to flow better. It engages the reader more, so I'm so glad you like it and think it works! I really wanted them to have a better sense of the characters as the writing style means that descriptions and introductions and backstories are all left out, and I hoped this narrative did that. I needed to show their unhealthy relationship - Victoire is a monster (her mother's got Veela blood, her father was bitten by a werewolf) and Teddy keeps wanting to get revenge. He has these dark, angry thoughts but then when he sees her, he can't help but fall under her charms.
Thank you so much for your lovely comments, I'm so happy you didn't see any mistakes and you liked the style of writing - really, thank you so much, you're too kind. I worked hard on the endings to the chapters to make sure they didn't give too much away, and left the readers wanting more. I'll have to look about the narrator thing - I can understand where you're coming from - and edit it up.
Thank you so much for the review! It really is so wonderful! Report Review
Oh, one review until thirty? okay ;)
One thing I would have liked to see in this chapter was them being more /together/ (not in a romantic sense, but more of a friendish or /them/ sense) but I knew that wasn't going to happen, so it's alright. The way this chapter specifically is written is practically mind-blowing.
I'm extremely jealous of the way you can add in dialogue without it becoming tedious or irreverent. Somehow, you make the talking seem more like an extension of his thoughts than anything. It's absolutely incredible.
The way he pulls himself away from her is perfect, because we all knew it was going to have to happen eventually.
"And then you are gone and I am free of you."
This line is my favorite in this chapter. It's poetic, and it sums up pretty much the whole story to this point in eleven words, which is quite the feat.
I can almost feel the /pain/ in this line, speaking through Teddy's thoughts.
-Brielle :)Author's Response: Oh, only a month since you left this review? My apologies.
I really, really wanted to write them having a massive kiss sesh (well not /really/, but I understand what you mean about having them more together and /in love/) but I thought it would be better - seeing as the story is narrated from Teddy's point of view - if she still retained some sort of distance, that there wasn't /closeness/ between them.
The dialogue was a challenge. I didn't want it to overpower anything, especially the description, so it turned out a little short and simple and in some places, a little cliche (see the chapter where she dumps him). I wanted it to merge with the writing, and I'm glad you liked it.
Well, he says he is /free/ of her, but is he really? Victoire doesn't seem like the type of person who would /really/ let Teddy go. All her ex-boyfriends/lovers are probably still infatuated with her, and she could probably skip back to them and they would accept her in a heartbeat. I'm glad you like that line though - it was a bit of a summary, ending line, sorta thaaang.
Thanks for the lovely, lovely review! Report Review
So, the first thought I had when I started to read this was: "Grrr, Victoire pisses me off." Because, well, let's face it- I'm sure she pisses pretty much everyone off.
And THEN I was like WOAH because of all the metaphors and all the angst and drama and darkness. It was intense, to say the least. But you really captured their emotions well, and I thought that was great.
I liked how you based this story off of Teddy coming to her, running to her, and how you added memories and other images to that. It was fantastic!
At first I thought Teddy was going to Azkaban to save her, but, I dunno anymore! It was all so confusing. Was he going to kill her? Teddy hated her, yet loved her.
I'm happy Victoire apparently changed in the end, but she still KILLED HIM! I mean, what a crazy woman! What is UP with her? She is definitely one crazy girl. I didn't exactly like her for that too- she lured Teddy in and then used him. Ugh.
This story was very dark, and I really liked that you kept it that way until the end.
All in all, amazing story and characterization!
Oh, and one question. Is Victoire a VAMPIRE? Because he kept on saying how she had blood on her lips and how she was always the predator. I dunno, maybe that's just me. Is Victoire just plain crazy? Cause she still murdered him in the end, and he let her! HE LET HER. Freaking crazy people.
xxx sofia! :)
PS Is Victoire's family dead or something? Because she kept on saying something about going to them, coming back to be an angel with them. I dunno anymore!Author's Response: Victoire IS one of those 'grrr' characters I think, but that's only when I read her in fics where she magically appears in Teddy's bed after a heavy night of drinking or when she's pregnant with her babies. I always have this fascination with people you are perfect and beautiful - like they need to be dirtied or ruined in order for them to face the world.
In this one, Victoire is just psycho, really. So is Teddy, a little bit, because he fell in love with it.
This is pretty intense, yeah. The style is the most different thing I've ever tried - it's second person present tense, which is such a challenge to write.
TEDDY'S COMING TO GET YOU. To be honest, I wouldn't mind in the slightest...
At first, yeah, he was coming to hurt/kill her. She'd betrayed him and killed her other lover, so he was pretteh angreh. He loved her, yes, which gave him the power and the determination, as well as his werewolf-ish tendencies, to get that far and also swim to Azkaban. Who does that? Teddy does.
She changed. He changed her into a werewolf thing, like him, so he fell in love with her all over again because they were finally on the same level. But then.. dun dun dun... she rearranged the power struggle so she was back on top of it. Superior, and al that.
No, Victoire is not a vampire. Too much like Twilight then, what with Teddy being temperature hot and physically hot and a werewolf who is related to the Blacks... ?? She's just psycho, really/
THANKS FOR THE LOVELY COMMENTS. YOU MADE MY DAY! THANKS FOR READING AND REVIEWING!
P.S. No, they aren't dead. She thinks she's more beautiful than them, so she's an 'angel' and wants to return to heaven where 'she belongs'. She cray. Report Review
This is gorgeously written and haunting -- I'm not going to forget it easily! It's a feat to take a character who is so well loved in the fandom and turn him into something to be feared -- bravo. I'll be reading more as time permits.Author's Response: Thanks so much for your lovely comments: glad you like it. I'm quite proud of this little fic. Report Review
She totally killed him! She killed him. He swam all the way to Azkaban to kill her and once he got there, he was STILL too weak to kill her. Just one look from Victoire, and he's back under her spell.
I will mollify myself by believing that since he had touched her throat just before she pushed him, perhaps he grabbed onto her and pulled her down with him.
Victoire has got a powerful hold on Teddy.
This was an amazing read, Hattie. You really have a gift with writing, and I am very glad that I read this.
:)Author's Response: :O
Yeah, she totally killed him. It was epic and mental and totally crazaaay. But that's Victoire - she's a total monster, especially after Teddy 'changed' her into the strange quasi-werewolf that he is. She's also got Veela blood and a bit of werewolf blood from her dad, so... YEAH SHE'S MENTAAAL. Originally, they were both going to commit suicide, but that's a bit ToS dodgy and I think that this ending is a bit more... MENTAAAL, because there isn't enough of it.
Thank you so much for all your lovely comments, Sarah. ILY xxx ♥ Report Review
I am running again, now. I am as fast as lightning, and ready to burn you.
Gahh, why did he jump?! NO, TEDDY. YOU MUST FLY UP THERE SOMEHOW AND GO BURN HER. He can't kill himself! It will only please her because she is sadistic!
As always, this chapter was fantastic. I loved every piece of it; Teddy's desperate longing to be rid of her, to get Victoire's claws out of his soul, Victoire's explosion of red lips and sick obsessions with perfection and what she wants from herself and for herself...and the list goes on and on. I would quote the whole chapter back to you, but that might get kind of repetitive.
This is gorgeous writing, lovely.
:)Author's Response: Burn. BURNING.
A little cliff-hanger for you all. Well, a quite possibly literal one. And yes, it would just please her because she is sadistic/she loves the idea of killing herself and other people so she can be an angel and that. She looks like an angel and people treat her like one. She thinks she's other-worldly too.
I think Teddy is more than a little infatuated by her. He thinks he loves her, seeing as it goes along with the family's wish that they get together and that they've been together for so long. She's just a little mental, that's all.
Thanks for your wonderful comments, lovely. ♥ Report Review
You change so callously and so quickly that I don't have a chance to keep up.
I do now. And I am running.
-GAH! The pace is incredible. I am actually excited about Teddy running after Victoire. I want to see him destroy her.
Ironic how the child born at the end of an old war gave birth to a new one.
We still stare at each other, your infidelity fluttering around the room. I want to capture it, harness it and use it against you: another weapon in my arsenal against your beauty and your charm.
- Once again, this is just such beautiful writing, it's like poetry. The littlest things inspire such an influx of thoughts and images... It's really fantastic.
I also like the line about floating so high that he touches the sun and burns.
are standing alone in this great, cavernous hall that only just seems to fit you in it
-God, you have such a way with words. I can't find a flaw in anything. Your diction, your syntax - everything is impeccable. I feel like I'm right there with Victoire and Teddy, following along while Victoire floats through life, tugging Teddy after her with puppet strings. He was weak and powerless under her spell, and I'm excited to see this new Teddy, the burning, vicious Teddy that is running after her, wanting his revenge.
!Author's Response: Hey, hey Sarah!
I did a lot of work on pace. I think it's really important. In the sections where Teddy is running to Victoire, the writing reflects the pace of his running. There's lots of short, choppy sentences that coincide with his footsteps. When he's pausing and admiring the moonlight and the shadows, there are more complex ones. I wanted it to contrast with the flashbacks, not only to signify a different period, but to create a happier atmosphere - when they were together.
Descriptions are the bane of my existence - whether there's too much so people get dragged down by one too many descriptions of someone's dress, whether there's too little so people have no clue what is going on. Especially with this style, you need to get the balance right; it's very simple, very condensed in some places, and sometimes I just find myself describing the colour of Victoire's lips or the paleness of her skin or the moonlight and the shadows. Emotions are more difficult, more complex.
Eee ee eee, Sarah, thank you so much... you are so lovely! I'm so glad you like it! Thanks for reading and reviewing and everything! ♥ ♥ ♥ Report Review
Another lovely chapter. I think this was my favorite yet. I loved the way Victoire was dancing along the edge of the cliff, sort of daring Teddy to stop her. She's just a little bit insane and I find her character nothing short of mesmerizing.
Favorite bits time! *claps hands*
The cold brings you in a dark coat. It brings you in red lipstick. It brings you to me.
-I don't know what it is about this that I love so much. Just like with many other of your lines, it's short and sweet and to the point, but it packs a lot of power.
White spray flies everywhere and the smell of the sea is ripe upon the air.
-Painted poetry. I admired this quite a lot.
From across the miles, from across the oceans and from across the never-ending expanse of your extremes, you see the moon drift out of the clouds. You think of me.
-Gorgeous. I am so jelly of your skillz.
-marches on to the next chapter with the speed of an Aztec warrior princess-Author's Response: Victoire is a bit crazaaay. She's obsessed with her own and other's immortality - hence the obsession with killing herself and others. She thinks she is an angel. She looks like one, Teddy treats her like one. She obviously doesn't fit anywhere on earth because of her psychopathic tendencies. She is incapable of love, but does love Teddy. She talks about him as if he is merely her companion, someone to keep her company.
EEE EE EEE! SARAH! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE THAT YOU TOOK THE TIME TO REVIEW MY LITTLE STORY. THANK YOU SO SO SO SO SO MUCH! ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ Report Review
This story is like poetry. I love your metaphors and imagery; it flows so smoothly and it's all so incredibly beautiful. The characters are dark, too. I'm trying to figure out who is darker, Teddy or Victoire. Teddy's running now to get his revenge on her, to silence her once and for all because she no longer has a hold on him. But in these flashbacks, her hold on him was so powerful that maybe she deserves a little bit of revenge.
Some of my favorite bits:
I want to rush up to you and kiss you so earnestly the breath leaves your body and you die.
-WHOANESS. So intense.
Great resounding leaps that let me fly over puddles and around corners: a dark shadow flitting amongst the light of the moon and the orange of the streetlamps and the white of you.
I am coming.
-I love how smooth these lines flow, how poignant they are. I can see the flashes of light and the memories just like I'm Teddy himself. You're very talented with making even the shortest, most concise lines powerful and filled with meaning. Very vivid.
Passion should believe itself irresistible. It should forget civility and consideration and all the other curses of refined nature.
I gaze at you with a hint of a dreamy smirk and lust-filled eyes as you heartlessly consume me.
-Wow. Just...wow. Such cold passion!
And now, I shall eagerly skip off to the next chapter!Author's Response: Hey Sarah! Thanks for your lovely review! :D
They are both monsters. Victoire has Veela blood in her, as well as her father having some werewolf symptoms. In short, they are both monsters. His is more instinctive - the werewolf cannot control his own actions like when he is in his human form - whereas Victoire is much more a praying mantis/black widow sort of a girl. Vicious, manipulative. A cow. I think that's why they clung to each other, in a way.
Glad you like those bits and thank you thank you for your lovely comments! ♥ :D Report Review
I have come hither to taste the victory on the winds. This story has a poetic feel to it, and I love your imagery and diction. It's incredible. I KNEW I WOULD ADMIRE YOUR WRITING AND I AM NOT DISAPPOINTED.
-continues onward-Author's Response: Sarah!
I am glad you have hithered. Thank you so much fo yo luvlih commentz! You are a babe.
-blushes profusely- Report Review
Oh Hattie, you and rain.
MIND REELING. Something told me briefly as he was swimming that he was heading toward a prison. And then I was like -gasp- SHE REALLY DID MURDER HIM. I thought it was all metaphorical murders, but I didn't want to say anything in case I was wrong.
I'm not very good at interpreting things D; I still don't know what to think of Victoire now. But I think you definitely did a great job painting a tortured Teddy, one pushed to the border between creature and man.
♥ congrats on the finish! 8DAuthor's Response: Precipitation and I, yes. We have a most wonderful relationship.
Metaphorical vs. reality. Metaphorical deaths are always fun - lots of burning souls and longing looks and over-pretentious grasping onto someone as the breath leaves them. But real deaths are more fun. I love my body counts and this story has... three, I think. Maybe more. Victoire might have gone cray cray elsewhere.
Thanks for reading and reviewing! Ily, Gina. ♥ Report Review
I call out to the darkness. It is a low, mournful sound but I am not crying.
I like how that line kept coming back in the story.
This was a 1000/10. I loved the whole thing < 3Author's Response: Thank you so much! Report Review
I still admire how you can do this with so little dialogue and so much...thought.
10/10Author's Response: Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! Report Review
I really adore the fact that you make the "you" the subject of this story, almost as if he's writing a letter to her. Not many writers can pull that off well, and actually stick with it (it's tricky to write well) but you did and continue to.
10/10Author's Response: It is so tricky to write. Syntax and tenses and other stuff all get messed up - it's a great challenge though, I really enjoyed it.
Thanks! Report Review
This is utterly fantastic. I have no idea how you managed to pull this off, with no dialogue and a relatively low (I'm so not criticizing this, I never have a lot of words) work count, but somehow you did and its amazing.
10/10Author's Response: I wouldn't be able to write in this style for too long. It's too simple for that. And dialogue can sometimes ruin things, so I kept it considerably low key. A lot of the spoken lines are actually quite cliche, but I think it works - especially when she dumps him.
Thanks for the review! Report Review
Well, at first I thought it was Dom, but I'm not sure, since she mentioned wanting to know about Victoire, unless she meant knowing her involvement with Teddy. But that's actually quite interesting, the way Teddy describes her in terms of Victoire. Every step of the way, you remind us of his obsession.
And oooh I just adore that description when he reaches the cliffs. The man and the umbrella, the falling angels -- whenever you mention blood, I imagine this porcelain Victoire with a drop of blood at the corner of her lips, but I can't ever see her eyes.
AHH HE JUMPS D: WAIT WHAT. WHAT. WHAT NOW. IS THAT... HOME? I'm a terrible reader/analyst, sorry xD I'll wait for the next (last?) chapter for answers rather than breaking my brain.
♥Author's Response: Gina!
I was thinking about writing Teddy with Dom, or even Rose - vom, vom, potentially normal Rose who elicits sympathy - but I ended up with Anonymous Woman. The perfect troll on Formspring. And yeah, he's pretty obsessed with Victoire.
AH. HA HA. Mwa ha ha ha. You'll find out soon, I hope, if the validators work their wonders. It'll all be clear. Maybe. Or just ambiguous and that. Flowery.
♥ Report Review
YOU FROGGY NON-12+, VICTOIRE. I just hate her so much but then Teddy GRR, I HATE THAT YOU STILL LOVE HER EVEN THOUGH YOU KNOW ALL THIS. Especially at this line: "If you loved me, you'd understand." GAH. SO MUCH HATE FOR VICTOIRE
This is so unhealthy. D: Hattie, you're messing with my mind.
And I'll never look at lipstick the same way ever again. -shudder- Those were my favorite lines. Blood lipstick, evil evil things.Author's Response: Yeah, she's cow. A froggy non-12+ cow. I loved writing the break-up scene, because it's when Teddy finally realises this - even though he is still infatuated and obsessed by her - and gets angreh and goes on his little run to find her.
Their relationship is unhealthy, and as for your mind... well...
LIPPEH STICK. Glad you liked it.
Love ♥ Report Review
I never imagined Victorie as the tortured, conflicted woman. Maybe she can be portrayed as, I don't know, full of life and happiness ?
Completely feel Teddy's emotions, though. I'd like for you to delve more into why is he so indecisive about her.
Good story.Author's Response: Oh hey Demonaz.
Yeah, I though it would be a little bit different. A lot of fics out there portray Victoire as someone who is full of life and happiness, so I thought I'd mixed it up a bit. So no, she's not going to be portrayed as that. It wouldn't fit with the story/feel I'm going for.
Continue reading and you'll find out!
Thanks! Report Review
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