I love this story; everything is so tangible. I love the way all the relationships and encounters flow into one another. Albus is probably my favorite; the way he thinks is captivating. You do a spectacular job of describing how everyone is feeling and treating all of them significantly. It doesn't feel like it's jumping around or awkward in the slightest, which I think is something that's really easy to fall into.
Everything about this is just amazing. I look forward to more!Author's Response: Aaah, a surprise, spontaneous review on my favourite story! Day = made. Thanks so much. Albus is my favourite too - I can really relate to him, not with the whole stalking thing, but with the reading and quiet observant thing. Rose is super fun to write though. She's such a git.
Thank you so much for all your wonderful comments and for reading and reviewing! Report Review
oh, Rose is not a nice person. there's a much more apt word to describe her, but i'm not allowed to write it in this review. that was just plain rude and mean, what she said to poor Sally; although it has made me curious as to Rose's relationship with her boyfriend - how does he like her if she can act that callously?
the Scorpius-Albus meeting was almost as awkward as the Elodie-Albus one. :') i'm hoping for some sort of bromance, although i don't think that'll happen - maybe they'll just co-operate, or co-exist peacefully. i'd be happy with that.
and i'm definitely curious as to what 'ships might erupt out of this. you have a very realistic approach to this story, and right now it looks as if anything could happen - within reason. although i'm half-hoping that Elodie and Scorpius stay apart, because obviously all we've seen is them being cruel to each other. Albus/Elodie definitely sounds intriguing to me, although i'm still unsure of what relationships i'm actually rooting for yet :')
i'm loving this story so far, and i'll be awaiting the next chapter with baited breath! (:
Hyenni101, Slytherin XDAuthor's Response: Rose is horrible. She's ambitious and intelligent, yes, but she uses her talents in the worst possible way - she's a bully, she's a female dog, she thinks that she can just walk all over people. She appears to be perfect. She thinks she's perfect and that, in turn, if where her biggest fault lies. She's not nice - even to her own cousins, if she thinks they might harm/ruin her or her reputation.
Aah, bromance. The unattainable goal. Hopefully it'll come sooner than you think. It'll be glorious when it happens.
I was so so tempted to go all Alpius or Scorbus on you but I'm not sure if it would work like that - Scorpius and Elodie obviously have some history, and we've got a bit of Scorminique sneaking in there. Who knows? Could be Scorose. Could be Alodie. Elbus. Who knows?
Thanks so much for your lovely comments and for reading and reviewing! Report Review
oh, wow. that was really...awkward all round.
Lily is not a nice person. I'm stating the obvious here, but seriously - wow, is she even human? I really do not like that girl - lying about orphanages and bonfires and that? that's just low. how did you manage to even create such a loathsome person? :')
and there is so much mystery going on that i'm not sure which bit i'm most curious about. i'd start asking questions, but you probably couldn't answer them without ruining half the plot line for this, and i don't think either of us would want that XD.
i'm psyched for the Scorpius encounter. i can't wait to see how that will go, and hopefully it will be a hell of a lot less awkward than the Elodie one :')
Hyenni101, Slytherin (:Author's Response: AWKWALRUS. THERE AIN'T NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT!
Yeah, Lily isn't very nice. She's spoilt and petulant and a princess and is pampered and babied and completely deluded and annoying and everything. Her eldest brother is the same - although he's so cool and mysterious and cocky cos he's really hot, apparently.
Go on, I would ask the questions. I'm busy struggling to finish chapter six and I'm still asking myself questions.
Eh, it was awkward. Alscor aren't exactly bezzies. BFFLs. Whatever. They're room-mates and Albus is his stalker.
Thanks for your review! Report Review
oh, and we meet Albus! personally, i love your version of the middle Potter child - he seems so normal, but very much his own person at the same time, if that makes any sense :') and we've met James and Lily, as well!
i seriously dislike those two, which you probably meant to happen. normally, i have ample amounts of sympathy for even the worst of characters, but i can't find it in me to feel anything but disdain for the two of them. Voldemort was the way he was because of his childhood and his suffering all pushed him into it. Lily and James are just spoilt and ridiculous. i don't know how you've got me so set against two minor characters so quickly, but it's definitely a testament to how good your writing is :')
i'm waiting with baited breath for the moment when Albus, Elodie and Scorpius all cross paths with each other. it looks to be an interesting meeting, that's for sure.
Hyenni101, Slytherin (:Author's Response: He's very interesting to write, and I wanted to make him completely different to everything I've ever read about him. I wanted him to be a nobody, a recluse. A bit of a loser. I also think that he's a bit of a sociopath. He's so silent and observant, it's almost unnerving.
James and Lily totally suck. Really and truly. I wanted the pretense of a happy family - they are meant to be perfect and lovely and what not - and I supposed that it what Harry and Ginny think they have. They also think that Albus is just shy - they try to encourage him. They feel they have to make a special effort because he's so different. Albus isn't as stupid as they think though, and their apparent approval of his Slytheriness just comes off as patronising - which it is.
Thanks so much for your lovely comments, again, and sorry for the lateness in this response! Report Review
ouch. i have to agree with Scorpius there - why did he bother with her? she's been nothing but a nasty cow to him so far, and from what i've seen, it's been a bit unjustified! but somehow, i don't dislike Elodie, despite how evil she's being to Scorpius right now. (although he's not being so nice and friendly either, I suppose.)
i love how you've made Scorpius into a smaller version of his father, in a way. not exactly like Draco, but with some of his traits and that. in other fics, he generally gets made into the opposite of Draco, into some lovely nice guy who luffs fwuffy puppies and all that. your version of him is somehow more likeable that that :')
i'm absolutely in love with this story so far!
Hyenni101, Slytherin (:Author's Response: It does seem a little like Scorpius and Elodie hate each other right now and they do - it's just they've still got this desire and attraction for one another which means they find it difficult to move on. It's a serious love/hate relationship. (And yeah, I kinda love Elodie too).
Scorpius is meant to have traits from Draco - his coldness, his aloofness, but his worst nightmare is turning into his parents. He's not fwuffeh or sweet or a Hufflepuff. He's still a Slytherin through and through... he's just a bit more level headed and more intelligent emotionally.
Thanks for all your lovely comments! Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
i'd heard about this story in that little corner labelled 'formspring' and was planning to check it out already, then you answered my status on the forums and it was like fate O.o
this was incredible. i'm always positive in my reviews, mostly, but i really, truly mean that. you have such a beautiful writing style that i'm emerald-green with envy right now. and some of the lines that were in this chapter were just so clever that they stunned me. An impurity of the blood, they had said. oh, that made me smile - i can bet Draco wasn't please about that.
i am so intrigued by this. why is Scorpius marrying Elodie if he doesn't like her? why is Elodie marrying Scorpius? are they even getting married, or is there something else going on? what's really up with Astoria's sickness? where is Draco? and those are only the big questions floating through my head right now. i'm dying of curiosity right now.
i'm already desperate to click the next chapter button!
Hyenni101, Slytherin (:Author's Response: That little corner of Formspring is all ours, obviously. It was like fate, wasn't it?
I'm blushing. Profusely. I'm blushing so much that my cheeks will probably retain this colour for years to come. Thank you so much. You are really too kind. And yes, Draco hates all that - he's still so obsessed with the whole pureblood thing that his wife having 'impure blood' would really make him angry.
Neither of them is getting married! Scorpius asked Elodie to marry him and she rejected him. Astoria is ill and dying and Draco is gone (who knows where?).
Thanks so much for your lovely comments and for reading and reviewing. It made my day! Report Review
Firstly, I'd like to say that this story is one of the most beautifully written tales I've read. It was full with mystery, drama, and suspense. Secondly, your grammar and spelling is flawless. I couldn't see any noticable mistakes. But then again, I don't have the best eyesight. Anyway, like I said, this story is absolutely enchanting. *Thumbs up*Author's Response: Thank you so much for your lovely, wonderful, flattering comments! You are so kind. Thanks for reading and reviewing! :D Report Review
Wow, I love your version of Weasleys too. Your story is like a breath of fresh air. Your potayal of characters, so different, so unique. I love this!Author's Response: Oh my gaaah, blushing. Thank you so much! Report Review
I LOVE your version of the Potters! I'm loving your story.Author's Response: Thanks so much for reading! Report Review
I'm really getting hooked up to your story. Brilliant!Author's Response: Aaw, thanks again! Report Review
Wow, interesting. I like the beginning!Author's Response: Thanks so much! Report Review
i must say, Al is kinda hot in this.Author's Response: He isn't meant to be, but hey ho... Report Review
This was a really good chapter. I loved the intorduction of Al us and especially seeing his dysfunctional through his eyes. It produced a very unique perspctive and showed a lot of his personality and palce in the world. You can see that he doesn't quite fit in with everyone and hates the family traditions and nonsense. He is characterisaed beutifully and really suits being a Slytherin.
The interaction between Scorius and Elodie and her paretns was interesting. It is quite apartent that they don't like him, especially by the use of the name Malfoy.
Elodie seems to love and hate Scorpius at the same time. It's sometimes hard to know exactly what she wants with him. She refuses his proposal, yet masquerades in front of her parents as if they are still together. Scorpius natually is incensed and I don't blame him.
The story is flowing really well. It has quite a dark, angsty atmosphere about it all. The characterised are very well defined and thought out and it was cool to see Albus come into the story. Well done.Author's Response: Thanks for your lovely comments - I actually writing about dysfunctional family. Yeah, usually you get the 'oh look Ron is angry for Rose because she's been having an illicit relationship with Malfoy' kind of look on the Weasleys, and especially the whole 'look they are all together for happy times as a family'. I wanted the pretense of a happy family - they are meant to be perfect and lovely and what not - and I supposed that it what Harry and Ginny think they have. They also think that Albus is just shy - they try to encourage him. They feel they have to make a special effort because he's so different. Albus isn't as stupid as they think though, and their apparent approval of his Slytheriness just comes off as patronising - which it is.
I was going for a sort of Pip and Estella thing with them. They loved each other once, but they still continually try to destory each other, and after the slight burst of euphoria/adrenalin at the other's pain, they just feel bad because they desire each other/are attracted to one another.
I worked really hard on getting the atmosphere and the feel and flow just right. I have a really specific feel for this story... I'm glad you like it. Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Once again such a beautiful chapter.
I am looking forward to reading more.
Please update soon.
:)Author's Response: Thank you! I'm writing chapter five atm :) Report Review
This has to be like my favorite chapter in all the fan-fictions I have ever read.
I am imagining Alex Pettyfer and Dianna Agron(I have a total girl crush on her) as Scorpious and Elodie and I so loved the way you have described their relationship. I love how their is so much pain in their love.
And you write wonderfully.Author's Response: Stop it, you! You are making me blush.
Dianna Agron is so pretty, and Alex Pettyfer is hot, but a total arrogant git. I totally picture Scorpius and Elodie as them. I love writing their relationship.
Thanks for the review! Report Review
That was extremely well-written.
:)Author's Response: Thank you! Report Review
I think Albus is probably my favourite of your characters, which is saying something as they're all pretty-darn-brilliant. I love how they're all so flawed, but realistically so, not in a "oh, well, my character needs flaws so as not to be Mary-Sue, so I'll just throw a couple in there" kind of way. The relationship between all three of them is very interesting too, especially as there's something very uncomfortable about it, with Albus always being on the edge and simply watching Scorpius and Elodie without actually having proper interaction with them. Your writing is, again, beauuutiful.
Completely brilliant, again!. I'm hoping for an update soon ;)Author's Response: Albus has been portrayed with so many different characterisations: ladies' man, super foxy awesome hot lad and just a bit of a meh kinda guy. He's very interesting to write, and I wanted to make him completely different to everything I've ever read about him. I wanted him to be a nobody, a recluse. A bit of a loser. I also think that he's a bit of a sociopath. He's so silent and observant, it's almost unnerving. He's got such a close connection with Malfoy and Elodie - but not friendship-wise, but simply physical. He shares a dorm with Malfoy; he must see him everyday, talk (bit loosely phrased) everyday, but they never really connect. Albus knows all about him though. He's odd.
Thank you for all your lovely comments, and I sorry I literally just over-analysed Albus for you. You could write about him in various English exams, whatever, whatever. Thanks for reviewing. Report Review
Another brilliant chapter! I loved Albus' introduction, and your portrayal of him as well - I always think he suits being the quieter, more reserved brother. What I think I liked most about that section, though, were the dysfunctional!Potters. That's something that's really quite rare in fanfiction, for them to be seriously, properly dusfunctional, anyway, not just in a humorous way. It was really interesting to see them described through Albus' eyes with such distaste, to see the negative side to them. Oh, and I'm really rather sad that Arthur's dead :( That was really moving, mainly because you told us it so simply, so quietly, not making a big deal of it. Loved it!Author's Response: Yeah, usually you get the 'oh look Ron is angry for Rose because she's been having an illicit relationship with Malfoy' kind of look on the Weasleys, and especially the whole 'look they are all together for happy times as a family'. I wanted the pretense of a happy family - they are meant to be perfect and lovely and what not - and I supposed that it what Harry and Ginny think they have. They also think that Albus is just shy - they try to encourage him. They feel they have to make a special effort because he's so different. Albus isn't as stupid as they think though, and their apparent approval of his Slytheriness just comes off as patronising - which it is.
And yeah, Arthur's dead. I felt really sad writing that bit, actually. I was contemplating making a bigger deal of it though! Thanks again for your lovely review. Report Review
Ok, wow. I read the first chapter of this a while back and for some reason didn't then continue with it. Having read this now, I have absolutely no idea why not. This was just brilliant! I love your characterisations of both Scorpius and Elodie and their relationship is fascinating. The way you kept showing snippets of their story, the way you're gradually explaining their history together was fantastic too. Your writing is just gorgeous too, all the dialogue very realistic, the description completely brilliant, especially at the beginning with Scorpius wandering through the dark house alone at night... all very eerie and I loved it!Author's Response: I had massive qualms about this chapter actually. I was seem to have my characters have an argument in the second chapter of all my fics. I don't know why, I guess it's just an easy way to reveal relationships and plot lines and emotions and that. Plus they are SUPER fun to write. I love banter. I also wanted to incorporate some memories/flashbacks whatever, just so I could reveal more backstory for all you lovely readers. ♥
Thank you for all your lovely comments, and for coming back to review! :D Report Review
Hi there again, love, Lindsey with your requested review. Sorry I haven't been back over here earlier to catch up on the story. I really enjoyed the first three chapters and am excited to have read the fourth installment. I'm confused as to why it isn't more popular. It's really very good.
It's like your not even trying.óLilyís dialogue when fighting with Al. Wrong 'you're.' That was the only issue that I really saw as far as grammar.
I think that you do an amazing job with Al and his character. You make him so realistic and interesting to read about. He has the loner tendency and really has a different perspective from his family members. Sometimes, authors make it seem unrealistic with characters that are reserved and awkward and tend to keep to themselves; Al, however, comes across as just someone who is out of place. Once he finds his place, I could totally see him blossoming and making friends.
I'm sad that Hogwarts seems to be such a hard experience for Albus and that he doesn't get along well with his family. Lily being a spoilt princess that enjoys getting her way came across as totally believable. I think that you do a great job on the tension between Al walking away and Lily following him mocking him.
Overall, I think that Elodie and Al's conversation was painful and totally realistic. I can envision some tense conversations Iíve had with some past classmates. Albus does a great job handling the awkwardness and intensity; his character most definitely consistent.
Good job overall love. Let me know about more updates.
LMWAuthor's Response: Hey Lindsey! Thanks again for reviewing, and sorry for the lateness in this response, especially considering I requested from you. I apologise. Thank you for your lovely comments, I'm really glad you liked and enjoyed it. This is my favourite story to write and edit - and believe me, it takes a while to edit.
I'll sort out that mistake. Thanks for pointing it out - grammar is just the bane of my existence.
Albus has been portrayed with so many different characterisations. He's very interesting to write, and I wanted to make him completely different to everything I've ever read about him. I wanted him to be a nobody, a recluse. A bit of a loser. I also think that he's a bit of a sociopath. He's so silent and observant, it's almost unnerving. He's got such a close connection with Malfoy and Elodie - but not friendship-wise, but simply physically. He shares a dorm with Malfoy; he must see him everyday, talk (bit loosely phrased) everyday, but they never really connect. Albus knows all about him though. He's odd.
I really wanted to write a fic that had an unconventional family - people usually portray this in humour fics... the family is a little kooky or whatever. Then, of course, there's the whole 'Ron hates Malfoy so would never approve of Scorpius' etc, etc. I also wanted to write about a fic where the context of the original are reversed - where the good (Harry Potter and his family) are almost terrorising the bad (the Malfoys) because of what they did in the war.
Lily as a spoilt princess was always a guilty writing pleasure of mine... glad you liked her!
Thank you so much for your wonderful review. I will definitely re-request if I finally update it! Report Review
HATTIE :O THIS IS SO GOOD. WHY IS EVERYTHING YOU WRITE SO GOOD and eeevil AND GOOD?
('cos you're brilliant, obvs~ in case you know, you're not one for hypotheticals)
But yes! I adore this atmosphere. Cold, and all that. You are very good at cold. The kind of subtle unnervingness. It's very easy to get a dark scene cliche and typical, I think, especially if you've written a lot, but there is definitely a feel to this and I like it.
(I suppose I shall nitpick a teensy thing, in that sometimes you have a few paragraphs that begins with a lot of "He's" and similar syntax sentences. But that is all)
Ooh. I really like the small mysteries you have that all add up. There's no one direction that I can predict this will go in, but many threads weaving together in the end. The girl, Draco, the illness, what Scorp's seen.
♥ YOU GO ROCK SOME ANGST.Author's Response: OH HAI GINA!
Oh you. -Squeeze-
THANK YOU FOR YOUR LOVELY COMMENTS, AND HERE I AM RESPONDING TO THEM FASHIONABLY LATE... that's the way I roll. NO REALLY, GINA. YOU DESERVE ALL THE BISCUITS AND BAKED GOODS IN ALL DA WURLD. I will sort out the syntax dilemma. CURSE YOU SYNTAX SCUM! Glad you like da miztahreez. And the coldness. I like the cold, and the rain. And death.
I LOVE YOU- ♥ Report Review
You have another beautifully written chapter here. The imagery you conjure with your descriptions is amazing. You write really well. It all flowed so seemlessly together.
The dynamic between Scorp and Elodie was very interesting. Their emotions were very clear and i liked how you weaved in their back story. They obviously know each other very well and they said just the right things to hurt each other. The dialogue was very believable in it's biting nature and conveyed a lot of their emotions.
The mood of this story is really dark and you mirror it well with the stormy night and the descriptions of the manor. The tension also builds well through out the chapter, starting with the resltlessness that Scropius feels.
Overall, awesome job once again.Author's Response: *Blushes* *Blushes lots and lots* Thank you so much! Your lovely comments have literally made my day.
I was going for a sort of Pip and Estella thing with them. They loved each other once, but they still continually try to destory each other, and after the slight burst of euphoria/adrenalin at the other's pain, they just feel bad because they desire each other/are attracted to one another. Meh, something like that. I don't really know and I invented them. Awkward.
Thanks for the awesome review!! Report Review
Final chapter and I was very impressed with it! Scorpius and Elodie were particularly intriguing especially when they were interacting with Elodie's parents.
The manners and fakeness were obvious to the reader but I think you managed to pull off awkward kindness and appearances very well. I could see the dynamic and how it affected their relationship. I wonder how Elodie's parents used to treat Scorpius. Also who is Eloise?
I think that Elodie's mixed feelings on helping Scorpius and waiting to just leave Scorpius helped make her a more dynamic character and believable one to relate to. I was sure about Scorpius and how he felt; Elodie was a bit more of a mystery but you made her feelings very relatable and very real. I feel the struggle and you communicated it well.
Albus was my favorite bit though simply because he was a new character and a very interesting take on Albus Potter. Everyone has different ideas; several people have put him in Slytherin and made him a reader, different from his siblings. Your key difference was the connection with his grandfather and I thought that it was perfect. It makes him that much more realistic.
And I liked how he had all these rebellious thoughts but would never do them because it would be so out character. You are clearly already setting up a very good story with some very real plot and character. I'm curious to see Albus' fear of the dark or how he fits into the summary.
Hopefully, with time and word of typing, your story will become more popular because this is very good writing. Unfortunately, it seems to me that the most popular fics tend to be more light hearted and humourous which is fine but a good story with mystery and real thought processing sometimes doesn't get the attention it deserves.
Best of luck and I'll definitely be checking your page again about this one.
LMWAuthor's Response: Hey LMW! Thanks again for checking out my story!
I wanted Scor and El to have an interaction with her parents, seeing as in the first chapter we have a scene with Astoria - she makes her feelings for Elodie clear, thinking that a marriage between the two of them will save the Malfoy name. However, with the Desmaraises (plural? Meh) it's the opposite. Because the Malfoy name is no longer honoourable, they have mixed feelings towards Scorpius that I thought would make for interesting reading. I'm glad you think I pulled it off.
And Eloise is a typo. Just so so happens 's' and 'd' are close together on the keyboard, and that particular typo creates another name... mysterious.
I definitely tried to avoid the whole Mary Sue-ness with Elodie. It was quite difficult, but I think I managed it. She IS beautiful, but she doesn't have a stupid name like 'Rainbow' or has magical powers or is Voldemort's twin sister or in a Romeo and Juliet type relationship with Scorpius (...yet.)
Albus was more difficult to characterise, simply because there are so many versions of him out there that I didn't want to fall into the trap of making him a massive cliche. He IS in Slytherin, which I know quite of people do, so I used the relationship with Arthur to make him more realistic and believable - lots of people can relate to relationship with grandparents that have passed away. In a way, I wanted him to be completely alone - something he could relate to Scorpius with.
*Blushes* Thank you so much!
Thank you so much for taking the time to leave these wonderful, constructive, helpful reviews, and sorry it took me so long to respond to them! I'll definitely be checking out your review thread again.
Thanks again! :) Report Review
He held his head in his hands, listening the dainty footsteps from the other side of the wall.-- to the dainty footsteps.
A little typo that could be easy to fix ^^. And this chapter was definitely filled with more of the dialgoue to choose from so I'll comment on that first for you.
So the dialoogue was excellent in my mind; I thought that you captured their emotions and a fight very well. The emotion surged choices that made them say hurtful things and be brutally honest was definitely believable. I think my favorite bit was the bit in her bedroom before it turned ugly.
I'm curious to know if you will do some flashbacks or something of the like because seeing them happy would be an interesting dynamic to add to the story in my mind. I'm also assuming that this is not the last bit of Elodie even though its clear that Scorpius wants her out of his life.
Your descriptions and insights into each of the characters thoughts even in third person was very well done. You hinted at important details that gave the reader a better full understanding of the rejected proposal, of how it affected them both deliberately.
I love the intimacy that is clearly displayed here; if there is any point to be made, I think that you do an excellent job convincing me in two chapters of their intimacy and how well they knew each other. They know how to push each others' buttons but also seem to have an inkling of what each means to the other.
Finally, I loved the restlessness of Scorpius in the beginning of the chapter. It added tension and buildup to a very excellent chapter. My only concern about it all is how Astoria didn't interrupt them or didn't hear them to interrupt. That seemed a little unrealistic to me especially since they were in the corridor.
LMWAuthor's Response: I will rectify the typo! Thanks for pointing it out, and thank you for reviewing the second chapter.
I always, always have problems with dialogue, that's why I wanted you to check it out. If it's too cliche, too unbelievable, too boring (I once got a review that said that and I was all confused emoticon). I really want to get it spot on because if, like this story, you've got quite hefty chunks of description that some readers may skip through, they don't want to be disappointed by some really cliche, really unbelievable, really boring line.
I like that bit too... especially the bit where she's quasi-flirting with him. I think it works really well and shows off the dynamics of their relationship.
I like incorporating flashbacks/memory into the story, so no doubt there will be a couple more in the future - they'll probably be some about how they get together, what people think, their parents' reactions, that sort of thing.
And yes, Elodie is here to stay. And she is smokin' hot...
That was the main challenge I had with this story. I wanted to write something in third person, simply because then I could switch POVS. I know it's easier to write feelings/emotions/reactions in first person from writing my other stories, but I wanted this one to be different.
Yeah, Scor's a bit of an insomniac.
Hmmm... the thing about Astoria... I will reread and edit. Thanks for pointing it out and thanks again for reviewing! Report Review
LMW from the forums with your requested reviews. And I must admit that I am thrilled that you requested.
I have read some of your work before; a few chapters of Dominique and I read the entirety of Raining. So, I knew the request would bring me to something intriguing and well written. I was not disappointed.
The first thing that I think is spot-on about this story is the summary and the banner. I think the mood you set creates a curiousity that pulls the reader into wanting to find out what the story is about. Your chapter length was spot-on also; I think its long enough to set up a fantastic foundation and create questions without scaring the reader away with too many words.
The beginning of the chapter was fantstic; not too many authors seem to remember to use the Knight Bus. I think that it was brilliant to use some characters we were already familiar with to introduce elements of your story. Scorpius being somewhat estranged from the family, Astoria's illness, and Draco's disappearance.
Elodie and Scorpius have an interesting relationship; I think the tenderness first observed at the beginning of the chapter while Elodie slept on Scorpius; their relationship intrigues me and I want to learn more. Elodie didn't have much dialgoue in the chapter so I'm curious to read more.
You definitely had more description than dialgoue in the chapter but I think it was needed. Sometimes, you can use dialgoue to relay some important information but you chose the article. Doing so will make it unproportionate. And I only comment on that because you asked about dialgoue; I'll be sure to say something in the coming chapters.
Finally, I think its very believable. Your character that is Scorpius shows an obvious fear--he fears becoming like his parents which is realistic. I think that you did a really great job on your first chapter.
Thanks for taking the time to come and review my story, I very much appreciate it!
I'm glad you like my other stories: Raining is obviously very different to TDoN - it's fluffy, it's lighthearted, it's in a non-chronological order. Dominique is a first person story. I wanted to challenge myself and write something angsty and third person while still adhering to my strict rules of Scorpius being a hottie and my stories being NextGen.
It took me a while to write the summary. I had several versions of it at one point, but I think it turned out well. I'm usually so self-concious about the whole summary section and end up quoting something, I really worked on this one.
And the banner is Gwen and her ability to make anything graphical.
When I wrote the opening section, I was actually listening to PoA, and when we meet Stan Shunpike for the first time. I love the idea of the Knight Bus, and I really wanted to have Stan himself reflect on the Malfoys - after all it might have been them who put him under the imperious curse.
For Scorpius and Elodie, I was going for a Pip and Estella, as well as - a far less intellectual parallel though - Chuck and Blair from Gossip Girl. Scor and Elodie once loved each other, but now fight and fight and cause each other so much pain that in end they realise it isn't worth it.
Aah, description. The bane of my existence. Too much? Too little? Too much backstory? Too little backstory? I'm glad you liked the newspaper article. I thought it would be the best way to relay the information. It was hard getting the tone right though.
Thank you so much for reviewing, and for all your wonderful comments and suggestions.
Hattie Report Review
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