Reading Reviews for The dreamland of angels
  
83 Reviews Found

Review #26, by C Act 11 – … We are destiny

12th November 2011:
I LOVED this chapter!!
It was so intense -the fighting with Katherine- and I loved seeing Anya explode. :)
Even though it usually happens when she's feeling her worst, I love when she opens up.

And in this chapter I thought we saw a lot of examples of how young and sheltered Anya is. When people called her 'kid' it did bug me because isn't she an adult by wizarding standards? I'm sure everyone hates the condescending connotation of 'kid'.

I thought you had wonderful organic imagery and I found the thoughts behind their emotions fascinating. They were incredibly complex and gave a sense of a long history of inner turmoil.

The changing POVs were interesting, too. I didn't expect you to write from Moody's perspective (I didn't even expect him in the story!) and it definitely added to the gravity of the situation. I found his general involvement interesting too. Being a famous auror and acting as a body guard is unexpected. It makes me think that Katherine is either a very important member of the order (which Dorea's grattitude supports) or that she is very important to Moody personally. They seem to have a long history together...I can't help wondering if they are/were best friends, or (I'm fishing in the dark here) if they will have some sort of romantic connection...weird thought, but they have some sort of chemistry or something that only people who are very close typically have. With her understanding his motives immediately and all the joking around...I think they must be good friends. Although I can hardly imagine how Anya would react if her mother were to date someone. At any point in time. I definitely got the sense that they're close, though, regardless of whether any romantic feelings exist.

That cliffhanger at the end is killing me. I can't wait for the next chapter! I want to read their interaction so badly!! And I loved that bit of humor -it totally juxtaposes the entire chapter's stress and grave topics. It seems perfect for Sirius' character.

I didn't review the other chapter because I got too excited and skipped to this one lol :) I just love this story.

Please update soon :)

Author's Response: Hey! I've been looking forward so much to writing this chapters. its one of the turning points of the story, you'll see why. I really wanted to make it as gritty as i could, the effect was supposed to give away all the hidden cracks in Anya and Katherine's relationship. The unvoiced thoughts behind Anya's words were used to add to that effect - to give that feeling that she doesn't have a barrier between her brain and her mouth anymore, that she is going haywire. You're right about Anya, she only opens up when she is is forced to crack, but that's part of her characterisation i guess. i just couldn't find another way of realistically portraying everything seh was feeling without making it a bit bombastic and having her explode all over the place.

Yeah, she is an adult (or close because its hinted that she and her mother have forged IDs, but I haven't give the reason for this yet - anyway that's not the point) Anya is grown and tecnically and adult, but the way they refer to her as 'kid' was meant to be condecending, to give away the way people in the Order see her as completely inexperienced and practically a child - which is not too far from the truth to be honest.

I didnt expect to write from Moody's perspective either, but he just came into the story on his own ;P
When I was writing the chapter in which Anya is attacked, I thought: Who is the best protector for someone as crutial in the Order as Katherine? And the only one that came to mind was Moody. That was her bargain by the way: she promised that she would write that article only in exchange for the best protection Dumbledore could offer for her daughter. I just figured that in a time when nobody realises taht there is a war coming, the most important function any onrganisation could have is inform the public as well as fight off teh danger. So yeah, Katherine is important for the Order... but I kinda imagined a friendship between her and Moody as well.
The idea was like a relationship that Harry and Hermionie would have one both grown up, you kow. But I dont know where Im going to go with it yet. You kinda gave me a few ideas :D especiall when trying to imagine Anya's reaction to Katherine dating someone. Lol, that would be a dramatic chapter to write.

Oh, you know the next chapter is already in que, but it will take 6 days to be validated. I cant wait for it to be out. It all an interation between Anya and Sirius and at first I thought it would be a shortie, but it turned out to be 8000 words!!! I just hope that it lives up to expectations.

Thank you so much for your every word. I hope you like the next chapter as well.


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Review #27, by Sam Act 11 – … We are destiny

9th November 2011:
Excellent. A few minor grammatical issues, but the passion is extremely intense. I enjoy your writing immensely. Thank you!

Author's Response: I've been writing the last few chapter very fast, and havent goten around to editing yet. Its like i just cant wait to finished them so that I can get to the next, and Im really writing the way i feel, all in one breath :D
I was counting on the exitement and passion of this chapter to let loose all of what Anya usually keeps inside. SHe is such a closed up character, i was dying to let her lose it a bit. I'm very happy that you liked this dispite my grammar mistakes (Im sure I'll be horrified when i go back to edit - its partially out of fear of them that i havend done so yet ;P )And thank you for saying that you enjoy my writing, its the best compliment. I hope you like the next chapter as well.
Thank YOU, really!


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Review #28, by Bluestreakspirit Act 11 – … We are destiny

7th November 2011:
Wow...that fight scene between Anya and Katherine was intense. It kind of made me want to tell my mom "I love you," you know? It was very, very well written. Good job.

Update soon! I am really anxious as to read more direct Sirius/Anya stuff. Thank you!

Author's Response: To write this part about the fight between Katherine and Anya i had to go into a lot of dark conrners in my mind. I went through my old notebooks and relived what i used to feel when i fought with my parents. It really took a lot out of me, but I was so happy when I finished. I'm even happier knowing that you reacted that way. I fell like its worth it. Next chapter already finished, it should be out any day now.
Thank you for your words. I apriciate it very much.


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Review #29, by NadineS Act 11 – … We are destiny

7th November 2011:
Yaaay, finally more Sirius in the story :D
I've been following Anya for quite some time now and I am pleased to see that you add chapters faster lately :)
Well, I wanted you to know that I adore your way of writing, you go into details, expressions are uniqe, your flow is amazing! :) But like I mentioned before, I just couldn't wait for Sirius to come into action :D Though, I do understand why you waited so long and the background you gave meanwhile is incredible :)

Author's Response: 'Finally more of Sirius' - That was what I thought as well by the time I got to the end of this chapter:D After this, he's going to be in the picture hopefully always. - thanks for understanding my holding out on him.

Its why i made this chapter so long, because after I was finished with the scene between Anya and her mother, I knew that I had to put that part about him as well, to kinda close the chapter and also prepare for the next one. If Id put the last scene in the 15th chapter, the entire thing would have had the effect of a filler. I love writing about them toghether and even though its not always easy, its always fun.

There's even more Sirius in teh next one, in fact the entire 7000 words of it are an interaction between Anya dn Sirius and that is the reason why i was able to write it so fast. These chapters are some of the most crucial in this part of teh story, that's why they've some relatively easily to me: I've been planning on the for a long time.

And thank you by the way, Im happy that you like the way I write the story as well as the tale itself. Its ahuge comliment!!! :D :D


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Review #30, by 19 whitehorse Act 11 – … We are destiny

7th November 2011:
Okay so what drew me in originally was the ama-zing banner then the totally cool quotes and then the fantabulous TOTALLY AMAZINGLY PERFECT STORY!!!
and the cliffy, really? Do you enjoy making me sleep deprive as I wonder what happens next?
So anyway... update soon, pronto, immediately.

please?

Author's Response: Ow, dont worry, I've alredy finished writing the next chapter, it should be out soon. (Im so happy that you want to read more, thank you for telling me that:)
I love the banner too, its so simple but so beautiful - it fits the story perfectly! Little Plebe deserves a lot of love for that.

The quotes... you have no idea how often i've changed them before setling into something completely ballet related as long as i was describing Anya through ballet. And besides, when i read those quotes on the net, I was so stunned on how they seemed to portray this entire universe apart, as disconnected from teh word as it was part of it, something wrapped around itself so tightly... it immediately made me think of Anya :D

WAY! You love the story as well, that's great! Haha! Im honestly very happy that you do and I hope I dont dissapoint. The next chapter is all Sirius-Anya and comming as soon as the que permits! Thank you for the great review!


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Review #31, by Beeezie Act 2 – The thoughts that should not be in your head

4th November 2011:
Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your review! I'm so sorry for the long wait - my queue was so backed up, and then NaNo happened. :(

Okay, first off: mechanics.

Paragraph starting, "Come on, I'm really sorry that I": There should be a question mark after "ok," and he "spared himself a broken bone," not "speared."

Paragraph starting, "And the... thing was that this still": I think you might have missed a word in "Cleo was supposed to be to this party," and it should be "mounted," not "mounded." I also wasn't sure what "race by her face" meant - I think just "race by" would be fine.

Paragraph starting, "Look, Bobby, frankly, what you pulled": the first sentence is a bit awkward, and it should be "it's okay," not "its okay."

Paragraph starting, "Bobby nodded and looked seriously regretful": in the last sentence, I wasn't sure if you meant "live me" or "let me."

Paragraph starting, "And Anya found herself look hard": it should be "moment's," not "moments," and "feeling," not "feelings."

Paragraph starting, "Be careful to listen and knock": you have two "in truth"s here, which feels a bit awkward.

Paragraph starting, "As she walked around the beautiful house": it should be "even though Anya convinced herself," not "even thought."

Paragraph starting, "Around the next corner Anya found what she": in the second-to-last sentence, it should be "least attractive," not "less attractive."

Those aside:

This was good. Your mechanical errors are definitely made up for by your characterization and subtlety. I'm definitely getting the sense at this point that Anya is deeply uncomfortable with herself and what she looks, but while you do say that point blank a few times, you also show it through her comments about herself.

You've also really made me feel for her. She said very little about Cleo and her absence, but I can tell how much it is bothering her and I feel so bad for her - and can see how her feelings about that are bleeding over onto everything else. She seems to have a lot of difficulty letting go of things, and that's both a difficult character flaw to portray and one that's very realistic, and you're doing a great job with it.

Another great chapter. :) Sorry again about the wait.

Author's Response: Oh i saw, you've been busy with the enourmous amoun of requests. I think its a compliment on you amazing reviewing skills :)

I havent been back to editing this chapter in a while and only now do i realise what a huge mistake that was. But as i was fixing all the mistake you pointed out, i saw that I also needd some rewriting to do... I can't believe how many of typos and grammar mistakes i make!!! It's almost indecent!
Thank again for helping me with that aspect of the story.

Ah, subtlety is going to be the end of me. Its why i wanted someone to look at Anya's character like a shrink would, because since Ive made her so wrapped around herself, sometimes I even dont realise if I'm writing her out of character or not. Your comment about the way she feels about herself made me think of changin a passage in the 9th chapter of this story: In that chapter i explain why she is so self-aware of her body and face, but now Im thinking of changing it a bit, making it not so plainly explainative, because I've always thought that was not consistent with the rest of the story.

In the begining I was worried that Anya's state of mind in this chapter would come through as very confusing and it woudlnt have the wanted impact exacly because she does't say a lot about it, she doesn't even directly think about it - but Im IMMENSLY ( :D ) happy that you related to her. That feeling of blurring boundaries between her thoughts and reality around her is one of the effect i was counting on most. At first portraying Anya as someone that has difficulty letting go of things wasn't very hard to write, because it was the aspect of her personality i counted on most to give a vivid picure of her... but as the story progreses (around the 9th chapter or so) its got more difficult to find a balance. Its as if that characteristic has solidified and taken over my character's personality, and I'm chirping away at it now to allow Anya to change as a character - but i cant do it too fast because then it woudl be ruined.

Again thank you for your words and for pointing out my grammer mistakes and for your insight of my character's head!


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Review #32, by Yum01 Act 10 – Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?

23rd October 2011:
I love reading this story so much- the detail in the description and the storyline is just so amazing! With quite a lot of the marauder era stories there isn't much involvement of the war;you wouldn't really know it was happenening if you didn't read the books but with this, the Voldemort movement is involved in a large percentage of the story. I can't wait to find out what's going to happen between Sirius and Anya and what will happen next! You really know how to do cliffhangers!

Author's Response: Hi! Its so good to hear you again! Thank you for taking the time :)
Seirously, you need to give me some criticism, because if you keep saying such wonderful things, my head it going to get too big for me shoulders and Im goign to explode from happiness!!! :D :D :D
No honesly, Im happy that you liked these two chapters - they were tricky to write and i had to some heavy editing to have them be as good as they were meant to be. I know what you mean about the small involvment of the war in some maraunder stories. Ive been going out of my way just to make sure that i was gettingthat part right, because the war is going to be very important to this story, its practically goignt to shape it. It hard to imagine that the lifes of the characters werent affected what was happening around them at that time, and its important to me to get that aspect down and do it right.

I was strugling on how to get Anya and Sirius toghether, but then I wrote the 11.th chapter and everything seemed to just fit. You'll find out soon what i mean - the next chapter is alredy in que! Im finding its easy to write them now that Im somewhat over my doubts.

Thank you again for reviewing and I really hope you like the next one. Its goint to have a violent duel in it and Anya is goign to be collateral damage... :)


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Review #33, by Beeezie Act 1 – Curtain call

23rd October 2011:
Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your review!

I saw some little typos in this chapter, too, so I'm going to point them out first and then move onto characterization.

In the second paragraph (starting, "Anya was making herself dinner"), it should be, "It was 8pm, and her mother..." not "It was 8pm, her mother..."

In the third paragraph (starting, "As far as Anya knew") - it should be "she and Alicia" in the first sentence, not "Alicia and herself." The way I always figure that sort of thing out is to simplify it - you would never say "herself was the only witch..." so it doesn't work there, either. :) Also in that paragraph, it should be "remained on friendly terms" rather than "remains in friendly terms."

In the paragraph starting, "What are you talking about?" - the last sentence should end in a question mark, not a period.

In the paragraph starting, "Oh, sure, I'm not even" - it should be "trying" not "tryin" and "playful" not "playfulness." The rest of the sentence after "substitute" is also a bit off and awkward.

In the paragraph starting, "Don't 'look' me" - it should be "high-heels," not "high-heals."

In the paragraph starting, "Anya bit her tongue and forced a smile" - Anya should be coming of age, not off age.

In the paragraph starting, "I know, I know" - one "the" is incorrectly capitalized in the middle of a sentence, and another is mispelled "teh."

In the paragraph starting, "Oh, it would be great if we could go" - it should be, "she hasn't seen us," not "she hasn't see un."

In the paragraph starting, "Im sorry mom, that was..." - it should be "I'm" not "Im" and "Mum" not "Mom." It should also be "gave her mother" not "have her mother" and "the hand that briefly" not "the hand that briafly."

In the paragraph starting, "When in her room" - in the second sentence, it should be "none of them counted," not "none of it counted."

In the paragraph starting, "Oh, hell yeah, baby!" - the second sentence should be, "I've done it again," not "I've don't it again," and "which" should be capitalized.

In the paragraph starting, "So why do you wanna lose Bobby" - it should be "Was your movie date," not "Was you movie date."

In the paragraph starting, "The only thing I remember thinking" - it should be "Alicia's laugh," not "Alicia laugh."

Additionally, when Anya and Ali are talking in her room, there was a point shortly before they departed where it felt like the dialogue wasn't being cut up enough by either description or introspection (or both).


Okay, I think that's everything I saw! :)

Onto characterization:

Again, this is definitely your strongest area. Anya feels both consistent and realistic, and the way you're portraying her continues to come across - to me, at least - as the way you want her perceived.

I thought last chapter that I might start to see more of her insecurity later on, and you've definitely introduced that without being heavy-handed. Her eyes and her lack of a chest were both just passing mentions, and an example of one of those things people hate about themselves but nobody else even notices. It's a very realistic portrayal, as are the way she thinks about them and her coping mechanisms.

I also thought that her interactions with her mother and Alicia were quite believable - the scene in which she's talking to Alicia while getting ready in particular. While toward the end I wanted you to break up your dialogue a tiny bit more, throughout most of it you did a great job of integrating Anya's getting ready with their conversation, and used it to tell us quite a lot about Anya's appearance without it feeling like an info dump. You also showed us quite a lot about Anya's character when she was telling Alicia about the date, and again, it felt very natural. Great job!

I'm also really intrigued by the birthday thing, and how it might relate to some of Anya's emotional distance.

Hopefully, you found this review helpful, too - if you did, I'd love to review the next chapter! :)

Author's Response: Sorry for taking so long to get back to you. My internet connection died on me, and i havent been online these days! And Immagine my great delight when I finally logged in today to see your review! Thank you again so much for pointing out my mistakes and typos. Here i was, thinking that Id corrected some of them, and then I see all those you'd caught... and felt like a lucky idiot ;P Im editing as we speak actually! About the dialogue along the end of the chapter, I didnt put too much introspection (I actually looked up this word, i had no idea what it meant :D ) because i wanted to give it a more fast pace, but now that i read it over again, I realize I should probably do that by using different words.

When I write this story, I feel like every particular detail is functional, like it has its own place and says something particular - and its all about Anya and who she is. I wanted to build her as someone with a lot of layers. Anyway, all that you said about when she was getting ready and talking to her mother, it was me trying to give her a character that wouldn't be too obvious, but that would still get the feeling accross, of how protective and self contious she is of herself.

Oh yeah, the birthday thing definitely relates to the way she is, but more than a date-change, its what led to that change that affected her. I dont want her to be marysue-ish, but there is going to be a good dose of mystery about her for some time. I've tried to balance it out with the realism and bluntness of her daily life, so that what she is hiding wont make her look too sureal. Its going to be rarely mentioned, but she definitely has a past.

I love your reviews, so watch out because Ill be bombing your thread again soon! Thank you for your every word again.


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Review #34, by Serendipity1234 Act 10 – Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?

22nd October 2011:
Another amazing chapter!!

I'll admit after the last chapter and all the focus on Anya's mom, I had been wondering where her dad was. And it sounds like it's not good...like prison, or missing, or dead. I can't wait to find out!!

I really loved the part with Anya dancing =] it was wonderful to read about her feeling overcome with joy and just loving dancing. Although I thought Sergai's role in it seemed a little odd...I mean I liked how through him we saw how Anya can be trusting, but I felt like something more was going to come from his involvement in the chapter. Like he was going to ask her out, or become another one of her friends...I don't know. Basically he seemed more significant than just a static character to be mentioned once (probably because of all the detail about his warm face juxtaposing his sharp eyes and him catching her waist when they danced) and I was kind of surprised when his whole involvement was abruptly cut off by the end of the dance and Alicia'a arrival.

I was very happy to find Alicia back in the story, though! She really is a wonderful friend and she's one of my favorite characters because of that. Plus, I think if you hadn't brought her back soon, Anya'a lack of friends would have seemed really lonely and depressing.

And I loved their banter! =] it was really funny and I liked seeing Anya lighten up. It made the transition back to her worried state more dramatic, too.

I thought you did an excellent job with the article. It had a very rebellious, dissatisfied, and righteous tone to it. I thought that showed so much of Katherine's personality.

I was, however, sort of surprised that you didn't include hardly anything about Sirius. After all the agonizing over how much it 'exposed' him, the article completely refocused Anya's thoughts and worries onto her family. I'm not sure yet if I like that or not. On on hand, I was disappointed by the lack of Sirius' mention because I am, of course, dying to see them together again and I was hoping the article would instigate it. But on the other hand, I'm still curious as to how this will pan out. I wonder if it will circle back to Sirius?

And I do like how this story is taking things slow when it comes to the relationship between Sirius and Anya. You make your characters so complex and I love getting to know them so well. But I am wondering...will the whole story take place in summer? I know you have all the ballet stuff going on in the summer and Anya is so detached from the magical world most of the time, but I don't see how their relationship can all fit into one summer. I mean they haven't actually met yet...I suppose if the relationship itself was short-lived you could fit it all. And if Anya did go to school, it would be really interesting to see that other aspect of her life, even if she does kind of resent it. But it might be weird with no ballet in the story. Unless she does dance at school?

Anyways, you have, once again, concluded very mysteriously and I loved that! The cliffhangers make me so curious and eager to read the next chapter. Please update soon =]

C

Author's Response: When I wrote this chapter I was very unsure about it for a lot of reasons, and after reading your review it wasnt just a feeling, it was certainty. I really think I let you down with this one, especially after getting your hopes up with the previous chapter and the cliffhanger. Now, I want to explain some of why that happened.

At first, I had wanted to make this chapter all about Katherine's article, like the whole chapter was going to be the article and Act 13 would show the effects of it all around. But by TOS rules I couldn't do that, so I had to mix it with the narrative and the entire effect of Act 11's cliffhanger was ruined.

Also, the chapter is very messy and the narrative feels choppy. I put elements in there randomly and got it as fast as I could because I couldn't wait to get the chapter out, but that was a mistake. I realize now that I should have waited until I got it together better and it was your review actually that made me see that as clearly as I do now. So thank you for that. Im going o tell you what Im going to change: I'll add something to give Sergei a bit of a more defined role, with a purpose within this chapter. You are right, it was cut off abruptly by Alicia's arrival. I was impatient, and it showed in the worst way. (One of the reasons I'm so impatient is also because I feel that Sirius and Anya's relationship should start for real, because its taking me too long. But thought I'm aware that if I don't get a move on the story will be dragging - that's a constant fear of mine - I dont want to feel forced. By the next chapter Im counting on putting them into a situation where they will HAVE to interact.)

Im not sure whether to end the chapter at the end of the article, or show Anyas reaction to it... The entire ending felt rushed even as I wrote it. Now it just sounds worse. I cut the part about Sirius on the article on purpose because I didnt want to bore you guys, seeing that as a reader you'd already know what had happened between the brothers. But now Im wondering about Anya's reaction and again, like you said, it's weird that she doesn't think about him at all when she's always obsessing over him even when she doesn't want to. Either way, there is some serious editing about to happen.

I liked writing about Anya happy by the way, I haven't gotten the chance to do it much in this story. That part was supposed to be written, because it's going to be a big antithesis to what's coming next. As for the story, it's going to start in the summer, but it's going to continue through the entire school year. And possibly after, but that's a part I'm still not so sure yet -I haven't looked that far into the future. I know how the story will end though, weirdly enough, and like all things with me, the ending scene was the one I thought of right after Id come up with the idea of the story. There's no way I could make them fit it all in the summer, it's not a passing love I'm writing about. Oooh, I just can't wait to write about Anya at Hogwarts. She is going o be so different, I really hope you enjoy it. But I have mentioned very briefly in the story, that Anya takes the minimum amount of classes necessary to pass the year, because she uses the rest of the day to practice her ballet... while everyone is studying Transfiguration or something.

Mini spoiler to make up for this crappy chapter. Im changing the title of this one (making "Prelude to shellshock" a two-parter) and the title of the next chapter is going to be "The secondary effects of shockwaves" and Anya is going to explode in it!

Thank you for your very honest review and thank you for being back and reading and taking the time to tell me what you think about what you read. Im going to try really hard to live up to my best writing in the next chapter.


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Review #35, by Serendipity1234 Act 9 – Implosion

22nd October 2011:
WOW!
this chapter was AMAZING. I love it!!!
I really like how we got to know Katherine more in this chapter. She seems like such an inspirational mom and while she's reckless, I think I see her passing on some of her best qualities to Anya. Like how they're both so individualistic.  Also Katherine is incredibly dedicated to her passion, journalism, as Anya is dedicated to ballet. And they both love the truth. Anya loves how ballet is blunt and honest; Katherine refuses to let anyone cover up their lies. 
And at the same time, they are foils of each other. Katherine is the bold, brave fighter who  desperately loves to speak her mind; Anya is the withdrawn, secretive loner consumed with fear. I feel that Katherine's strength and openness would be a positive influence in Anya despite the fact that she's withdrawn right now. As you revealed briefly through Katherine, Anya is still a bit childlike. Still growing up. I associate her opening up with her maturing and growing. 
I did notice a few typos, probably because you were trying to get it out fast (which I appreciate!!!) and I would suggest rereading it once more--there's a couple spots where words are missing or there's a couple random extra words, that kind of stuff. 
I loved when you described how Anya didn't peak around the curtain because of curiosity, but from fear. That got me SO excited (haha) because when I saw that I just thought: love. THAT right there is more than your everyday crush. More than just some silly, girlish obsession. That's caring. And it proves that she has real feelings for him. And it's all the more dramatic because these feelings are instinctive. She hardly knows him, but she can't help falling for him. And knowing he may have been in pain saddens and worries her...the organic imagery in this chapter was absolutely beautiful. 
Then the foreshadowing at the end.  I. Am. So. Excited!!! And I love that word 'shellshock'. It sounds absolutely perfect. Like here's where things are getting kicked up a notch. The drama and events that are about to unfold will blow you away like bombs
(And while I think that you may be referring to a particular character feeling something like Shell-shock, I'm anticipating that those feelings by that character will bring on events in accordance with that mood.) I've never heard that word before (or at least if I did I didn't notice) but it's the kind of word with so many intensely dramatic and distressed connotations that it sticks with you...I love it =]

C

PS: I actually read this chapter like the first day it was up, but I just saved my review because I was in a sort of hyperactive mood and unable to fully compose my thoughts =] I just finally checked back up on your page today and I can hardly believe you updated so fast!!! You're AWESOME!!!

Author's Response: Hi... [omg I cant stop smiling! ok lets try again... *clears throat*...¦] Hello there!!!
You just made my day here, you really did, so im going to take a deep breath and respond properly.

I just cant believe the immense happiness it is to have you catch on all these things that I put there between the lines. Like the way Anya and her mom are so alike, but are in constant conflict. I really wanted to have them connect in this deep level - which would be their passion for what they love - but butt heads for exactly that reason. None of the can stand (or fully understand) the passion the other puts into what they do, because neither agrees with the other's choice of life. Later is going to be clear that the only reason Katherine tolerates her daughter's obsession for ballet (which has done Anya harm in some ways... but I won't spoil too much for you) is because she can see her own passion in her daughter, only channeled in a different direction. And the same goes for Anya with her mother's job. There's this delicate balance between them that is easily upset. Anyas fears are going to roar in the face of her mother bravery VERY soon... I cant wait to write that! But I wont say more, because it would be too big a spoiler!

And yes, another reason that I did this chapter was to show how young and detached from the real world Anya really is by comparing her with someone as aware of everything around her as her mother. Katherine lives in the now, and because if that she is able to see the dangers of the changes around her, while Anya (and for different reasons, a substantial part of the magical community which I am partially identifying with her) is very much a dreamer, someone wrapped around themselves who have a specific routine and a life outside life...so reality is going to be very hard for her.

Im trying to create the atmosphere that existed (allegedly and only in my imagination of course) before the First War by using Anya's ignorance of the war coming as a symbol for society's same feeling and Katherine's awareness and desire to fight as a symbol for the Order of the Phoenix, and the minority's attempts to open up the eyes of the masses to the real nature of the times ahead of them. It's complicated and I'm not sure that Ill be entirely up to it, but I was always curious about the First war, since we know practically nothing about how it started and how it was fought.

I know about the typos and weird wordings, I did read it over and post an edited version of the chapter right after it was out, but you're right, I just couldn't wait to put it up you know, so the editing had to wait.

I LOVE how you can see through my tricks! It completely blows me away! I didn't want Anya's feelings to get too obvious, because she panics/can't handle the mere shadow of love, let alone the emotion itself, but it did want to show how much she is unconsciously drawn to Sirius, without even wanting to, even fearing it. I tried to be delicate when writing that part, always avoiding any wordings that would lead to feelings out of character for her. I'm so so so immensely happy that you liked it so much!

And Yes, that word was strategic (I love the way it sounds too by the way) because things really are about to get turned up and hopefully more than just a notch. You're totally right in your assumptions, and after reading your other review (the one on Act 12) I think I'm going to have to rewrite the ending on that chapter (I'll explain why in the next response) to better fit the foreshadowing I created.


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Review #36, by Beeezie Epilogue – Here, where all things come to the close...

20th October 2011:
Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your review!

You mentioned some grammar problems, and after reading this chapter, I see what you mean. I'm a bit of a grammar nut, but I absolutely do not mind reading over chapters with some grammar/typo issues as long as you don't mind my pointing them out! :)

So, without further ado:

--

Mechanical difficulties
- Dialogue tags: A dialogue tag is something that indicates who is speaking - "he said," "she yelled," "I called," "you replied," etc. There's a nice long article about them in the forums under the grammar guidelines section (I think), but I'm going to give you the brief cliff notes version.

When a dialogue tag follows a section of dialogue, the dialogue should never end in a period, and the dialogue tag should never be capitalized (unless, obviously, it's a proper noun).

For example, ["I want to be a ballerina." She said.] is incorrect; it should be ["I want to be a ballerina," she said.] Note that she dialogue should not be capitalized even if the dialogue ends in a question mark or exclamation point - it would still be, ["I want to be a ballerina!" she said.] This is because the dialogue tag is not its own sentence; it only exists as part of the dialogue.

- Typos: First section, third paragraph, sentence starting, "But her responsible side" - "thought" should be "though."

First section, fifth paragraph (starting "Anya started from the beginning"), sentence "what was up this that anyway" should be "what was up with that anyway."

Second section, second paragraph, should have a comma after Thursday.

Second section, seventh paragraph (starting "Anya dearly hoped Cleo") - do you mean "loved"? "Hoped" doesn't really make sense here.

Second section, paragraph starting, "That's really none of your business" - I think it should be "thought it sounded very coy" rather than "thought it sounded very coy."

Second section, paragraph starting, "This time Anya could help rolling her eyes" - do you mean "couldn't help"?

--

Anachronisms

- Anya's ipod. How could Anya have an ipod in 1977? Not even the walkman was invented until 1979 - I don't know of any affordable portable personal audio player available in 1977.

- VCR. Anya talks about watching a video; this is also a little problematic, though nowhere near as much as the ipod. VCRs in the late 70s were still pretty expensive, and I'm not sure how many videos were available for them. It's certainly possible that her family had one, but if they did, it would have had to be fairly new.

- PMS. Like the videos, this isn't quite as problematic, because the term was first used in the 1950s, IIRC, but it frequently wasn't taken seriously and didn't receive much attention until the early 80s. It certainly wasn't anywhere near as common a term as it is today.

--

So, those little things aside, how does your OC come across?

I think you're doing a great job with her! I got a real sense of who she was in just this first chapter, and I think that you're conveying everything you said you wanted to - I saw through her thoughts and dialogue that she does have a very black and white way of viewing the world, and that her view of the world tends to be pretty pessimistic. I got less of a sense of that in terms of her view of herself, but that's not really such a huge problem to me because I can easily see it coming up later. Ditto the introversion - I saw hints, and I can see it coming up later.

You definitely had a few weak points with the mechanics, but your characterization (judging my this chapter, at least) is some of the strongest I've seen. It's really terrific, and I can't wait to see what you do with her.

I only review one chapter at a time, but please feel free to rerequest! :) (Provided you didn't find my pointing out the typos and harping on about dialogue tags and anachronisms annoying, that is.)

Author's Response: Hello there. Thank you for stopping by, I really wanted to hear your opinion on this. Ok, first and foremost, thank you for the advice on the dialogue tags - I almost didn't know any of the things you pointed out. Im not very technical when i write - Im just too happy over having something to say, I guess its part of being a beginner - but I promise that I will do everything I can to mind that aspect of the story, because I love polishing up my writing and learning new things.

As for the typos, Im editing those out as soon as i finish here. 'though' and 'thought' are two of the words I most commonly missuse, along with typing 'did' instead of 'didn't'. I honestly dont kow how i manage to get that second one wrong, but i know i do, its a fact easily proved by the many many times I've had to correct myself when editing my chapters.

Anacronisms: the Ipod thing was mentioned to me twice bofore. I had used it two times and it took two edits to get both, because I hadn't realised I'd made the same mistake twice in one chaper. The edited chapter is waiting to be validated. As for the other two, i honestly had no idea! I had done superficial research and found out that headphones and VCRs were available, and didn't think too much of it. And I'd read that there are recordings of Fontain's dancing, but never bothered to check the dates. I was careless :/
And the PMSing, I had no idead of that kind of history behind the term. I just used it without thinking, never even bothing to wonder if it had or had not been used in the '70... Right now, im wondering how to change these things without changing what I was saying in the story, but i know Ill come up with something eventually. Thanks for pointing all this out to me, Im so very grateful :D

And as for my character... god the immense relief it is to hear you say that she sounds as she is supposed to. I have written a lot from her pov and lately i was feeling as if her characterisation was slipping away from me, as if i didnt know how to write her because i was too involved with her way of seeing things. Im always wondering if Im making things too easy for her or if Im amkign ehr too likable (and i dont want that in terms of narrative - she's not supposed to be easy to like) just because she is my character you know, just because i wanted things to go well for her... So im always toughening up on her and then I wonder if it she comes out as a weak victim... Ok, that was a lot of words, but i hope you get my meaning :)

Anyway, thank you so much for your great help and I would love to hear more from you on my characterisation, because I need a third-person's pov on this, someone that understands (and can help me) the workings of the mind, since this story is a lot about that. I've done a lot of research, but it's always good to have someone who really knows about psycology to give some serious advice.
And honestly, Im a person who thrives on (and loves) any kind of help, so I shall never somplain on any corrrection you're willing to point out, especially about things i have very little idea of - like dialogue tags and anacronism to start with.

Thank you so very much for this review.


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Review #37, by CloakAuror9 Epilogue – Here, where all things come to the close...

19th October 2011:
Hey its me from the forums.

Okay, I really liked it, but if I was seeing things right...there was an ipod mentioned in the story? yeah. just stay with the story timeline and you'll be great.

The only problem I had though was there was little bit too much paragraph. Even though you described the things and surroundings really great the words just kept going on and on and on... and by the time I one of the dialogues (particularly the end bit) I was just kinda dragging the words. But that was just a minor thing...

Overall, I'd give me an 8 out of 10. And no you didn't have that much typos!

no typos..spotted,
CloakAuror9

Author's Response: Hi, thanks for coming around here so fast!
Im so happy that you liked this first chapter. I thought a lot about what you said, concerning the long paragraps without any dialogue and decided to do and do some editing out of the things that arent too needed in the story. I did cut out pieces of unnessecery description, realising that there is no hurry and that i dont need to give out all that is on my character's mind at once. Im always worried about this particular aspect of this story, because I know that i tend to overdescribe things, trying so hard to get across to the reader my ideas (Ive read its common among begineers though, so I console myself with the hope that I might get more laconic in the future :P )
And it doesnt help that my main character is not one of too many words ;)

Anyway, thank you for reviewing and Im glad you didnt find distracting typos. (I've edited this chapter countless times!)


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Review #38, by Mia Act 10 – Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?

18th October 2011:
I haven't commented on this story before, but I feel that I have to toady. I really love the idea, of the story, but your execution could be slightly better. Its really good, but it could be great. Work on your grammar, sentence structure, and maybe read it out loud (you will be able to detect awkward phrasing better that way) and you will have a wonderful fic!!

Author's Response: Hi there!
Thanks for stopping to say that. I know that my sentence structure sometimes sounds odd and that is a problem I'm well familiar with - because Ive been told before. Its not that I dont try - I do read my chapters over aloud, and it really does help (believe it or not, I've improved, i was a lot worse before).
The problem is trickier than that Im afraid: english is not my first language, and although in my native tounge the way I formulate my sentences may make perfect gramatical sense, in english it may very well not be so. Thats why sometimes the idea behind my sentences sometimes appears muddled. Usually i do heavy editing, it takes a long time. I find that forgetting what i was trying to say and concentrating on what i really have put down on page helps, so i usually go back to editing ten or so days after I've written the chapter. It helps me distance myself from what i write and look at it with a different eye.
Anyway,this took too long, but I just wanted to respond to you properly, because i apriciate very much what you said. Thanks again for telling me.


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Review #39, by Someone Act 3 - Never not going to...

9th October 2011:
This was totally brilliant.

Author's Response: Thank you so very much! I hope you like the rest of it :)

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Review #40, by Serendipity1234 Act 8 - The secondary effects of shockwaves (part 2)

25th September 2011:
Hi
I liked this chapter even though it differs greatly from the other chapters in the story. Personally I think I prefer Anya's perspective, so I like how her chapters occur more frequently than these. However, these chapters really do add to the story. I like getting to know Sirius a little, too.

I definitely got the sense that they're brothers. I can see how they have similar habits and feel somewhat attached to each other, but they have completely different personalities, which I love. In other stories Regulus is either a weaker version of Sirius or an awkward version of Malfoy, but here he has his own character, and a very unique one at that. I like the way you've spun his story and made him a strong person. I think it's weird that he sort of forfeits his beliefs for his parents, but you made it believable. You did an excellent job making him complex, as you've done with many of your characters.  

I thought the duel scene was pretty good. I like that you added some action to the story. It was an unusual form of action because Sirius was mostly observing it while James actually fought. Because of this there wasn't as much tactile or organic imagery, which you would need more of IF it was actually from the first person perspective. I did notice that you captured that more in the fight between the brothers, so if you do end up doing a scene like that I'm sure it will be great.

The only thing I can really suggest is to add some spells to the dialogue? But I think you wanted to give the sense that they were doing wordless magic, in which case you can probably ignore that suggestion. 

Hopefully the next chapter will be easier for you to write because I love this story and I REALLY want to read more :D

Please update soon!!

Author's Response: I dont know why, but i find Anya easier to write. Which, paradoxally, is why i wanted to stretch myself and write some of Sirius as well. I dont wanna leave him in the fringes because this story is as much about him as it is about Anya. Its important to me that i get a hold of him as a character and I cant do taht if I write the entire story from Anya's pov... even thought its a real pain to write him because he somehow escapes me ;P

Anyway, that was why this chapter took so long. Regulus was part of that delay also by the way. I just so bladly wanted him to be his own person... and it sends me through the roof that you found him to have his own personality. :D :D :D thak you so much for saying that! I always felt that Regulus must have been a person with a strong moral duty (hence the whole staying by his family thing) and even very brave, since he tried to destroy Voldemort's horkrux. The fact that he had different beliefs than Sirius doesnt really mean that he was a bad or weak person. Anyway, that was what i was going for.

About the spells - I wanted to show indirectly that James and Bellatrix are really skiled duelists - fighting each other with wordless magic. But of course i forgot to hint at it in te story, so now that you metioned it Im going to have to go back (as usual - i do a lot of editing) and make my intentions clear :P
But thruthfully thought: I chose to have them do wordless magic, because i felt so pressured writing that scene that i wanted it to be over as soon as possible.

Oh, the next one is going to be from Anya's pov (I thank my whimsical muse for that) so it is definitely going to be easier to write. Hopefully, im going to have them meet again... thought knowing me, its going to be a really long one, mostly trying to make the enounter look realistic and not forced just because i want them to meet again.

Thank you so much for being back, for reading and reviewing and though it weird to thank you for liking what i write... I'll get over it and thank you for that too! :)


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Review #41, by Yum01 Act 8 - The secondary effects of shockwaves (part 2)

23rd September 2011:
I don't really read much action stuff on here, and even if I do, it's not as descriptive! I thought you done a really good job of writing the fighting. I also think that you captured the conflict of the brothers and their interests well- I never really thought too much into Sirius and Regulus' relationship before but you really made me think, though what you have written is pretty realistic and could have happened :) I love this story, it's so refreshing to read one with so much detail and as I've said before, not knowing exactly what the characters are going to do- we have an insight into their minds but only enough for there to still be some mystery to the story and not know what will happen next - keep writing amazing stuff !!!

Author's Response: Hi there! Thank you for being back!
Im so relieved that you liked the way the duel was written. I've barely explored into the action genre at all, and always feel very aprehensive when i have to write it. Mostly i worry its going to be confusing. Anyway, glad that you liked.

Man, you have no idea how long its taken me to write the interaction between Sirius and Regulus. I knew from the start that i wanted to explore their relationship, but i was so wary to go there o_O This has got to be the chapter I've most postponed writing. Every time i wrote a version, i ended up deleting and writing up another. Im so infinitely happy that you think this situation could have actually happened, that was what so so wanted to recreate - and at the same time, that was what scared me most.

I'm especially happy that you find the details of my writing to your liking. I try hard to balance out the descriptions with the actual 'happenings' and dialogue in this story, since i tend to sometimes overdo it with too much detail and internal monologues and such. I used to, in the beginning at least. Now Ive gotten teh hang of it better ;P

The next chapter is going to be on Anya's pov and I really want to write more of Sirius and Anya in the same chapter, but im trying not to force it. The other day, i was thinking that I've succeeded in making my main characters live in such different lives that now i cant figure out a way to bring them toghether without pulling a nasty one that will make you guys wanna cringe out of your skin :D

Anyway, thanks again for readin and reviewing. I hope that you like the nets one as well.


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Review #42, by lana Epilogue – Here, where all things come to the close...

7th September 2011:
I loved everything until you mentioned ipod that killed it for me . Stick to the times ipods were not around in the seventies .

Author's Response: Id never noticed that before. Thanks for opointing it out, this way i can correct it. Allow me to say, with frankness to match your own, that Im sorry i lost you as a reader, as i would be sorry to lose any reader, especially since you said you were enjoying the story. But if it takes one mistake like that to lose your interest - a mistake that has nothing to do with my skills as a writer, as small as those may be, or with the main vein of the story itself - than I'm relieved to say that i shan't lose sleep over the loss.
Thank you for reading and pointing out my mistake though.


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Review #43, by Serendipity1234 Act 8 - The secondary effects of shockwaves (part 1)

27th August 2011:
Hi
I was wondering if you can tell me how to make banners like the ones for your story? I see them on most stories and I was wondering what program people use?
I have photoshop and paint, or if there is a website that you use to make them or download a program, I really want to try it. Both for things like banners and just making cool pictures =]
I love the effects used in them..
If you know how they're made and are kind enough to share your knowledge, I'd be happy to make you one for this story or another of your stories.
I really love this one.

And can you please try to update this story soon? I'm addicted to it =]

Author's Response: hello, it good to hear from you again (im working on the story i promise, the next chapter is almost finished.) Alas, im very much ignorant when it comes to banners and such. Those beauties in ym stories are made by talented OTHER people ;D
Artists that make banners for the authors at this site are the ones at The Dark Arts forum (there is a link in here, at this sites home page - i see it at the far left) You should probably ask them, i think they have tutorials and all kinds of things to help you improve as an artist.

good luck!


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Review #44, by Yum01 Act 8 - The secondary effects of shockwaves (part 1)

26th July 2011:
I've just read the whole 9 chapters and I was amazed, I wouldn't usually have chosen this kind of story to read but the banner caught my attention then I saw the ships and they're they kind I'd usually go for so I gave it a go. I thought that all of the desciptions and thoughts are so detailed and the references to ballet are so intense. I don't think I've ever read something like this, published or fanfic, but don't take it the wrong way- it's a compliment. I really want to know what the underlying story between Anya and Sirius is! It's very captivating and it's good that you don't say all the information straight away- with some stories the author lays down all the problems of the characters and then finds a way to solve them throughout the story, whereas here you're giving snippets of information about the characters and it seems as if the characters are trying to solve their problems, but the reader doesn't know what the problems are yet. It's really great so far, keep it up and update soon- I really want to know what happens! :)

Author's Response: Wow, all at once! Thanks so much for sticking through and for taking the time to tell me about your thoughts. I love it when i get these kinds of reviews, after reading the whole thing. I have changed this story several times, edited heavily, because i was told by early reviwers that my descriptions were too intense and long. Im so immensly happy that ive gotten to a point where that is no longer a concern though, thank you for poiting that out. Same thing for the ballet bits. those were my two main concers and you have no idea what i means to know that both are enjoyable.

One of the things i wanted to do with this story was create characters that are problematic, flawed and as real as i could make them. and when it comes to people, you can rarely know what is really going on under the surface. Sometimes people dont even know themselves, so yeah, im trying to keep it really below the surface.
Lately Ive started thinking that this is becoming more and more of a liability though, because if i dont get on with it and start unfolding the core of this story, than im afraid its going to start draging. But i love the intensity of details, so even as the story progreses, everything is goign to be suttle. I love that you like that about my writing. thank you!

I cant wait to finish my next chapter now!

PS: I love the banner too, the artist is to love for teh way she worked around the less-than-perfect quality of the image i provided.


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Review #45, by Serendipity1234 Act 8 - The secondary effects of shockwaves (part 1)

25th July 2011:
Hi I like the French, although I wonder if all the ballerinas could understand the French? I mean I like the character of it and French is a beautiful language and I think you should keep using it, but in real life would they get it? I know many European countries teach French as a second/first/third language, perhaps this is common in England or generally in prestigious ballet schools?
What about Sasha? She's Russian...are you going to add Russian phrases or is French just easier?
Can't wait to read more. Please update soon!!!
I look forward to more stuff with Sirius & Anya =]

Author's Response: The parts in french are only the ones that dont have anything to do with teh tecnical instructions madame gives them about their danceing. she speaks in french when she insults or makes fun of some of the dancers. Besides, can you imagine a pompus teacher like madame Bardot not waving her superiority all over the place, just because she thinks that being french means being some kind of rarity. Thats teh efect i wanted to give, among other things. And the fact that she really loves the sound of her own voice.

You know, chapter nine was supposed to be about Sirius and his brother, but i was so overwhelmed by it that I actually finished this one first. This was was supposed to be chapter ten. Im findint the interaction between Sirius and Regulus very hard to write... which is why an update is taking a bit long. Ive already written more than half teh chapter though, so I shouldnt be much longer.

Thank you again for reading and for taking the time to speak to me. I loved every one of your reviews and the fact that you enjoy this story makes me want to get on with it and finish, just so it can be read.
Thank you!!!


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Review #46, by Serendipity1234 Act 7 - Prelude to shellshock

25th July 2011:
Hey I really liked this one =]
although I don't like Cleo much anymore...
I think this was a good view of what Sirius is really like. Although I wish he and Anya would have more interactions...and WHY didn't he recognize her?! From school or the club?? I mean he just saw her and was like obsessed with her a couple days ago, and he didn't recognize her bangs and big eyes?
And she's in his year at Hogwarts! He knows Alicia and not her...And what was up with Alicia?
Do they have some sort of past that he doesn't remember? His memory seems kind of lame.
Or does she have suspicions about Anya's feelings for him?
Or does she just dislike his character and alleged promiscuity?
Please write more soon =]

Author's Response: I was so nervous about this chapter, you have no idea. I am so focused on Anya that i can hardly write the same story from another characters pov. Sirius was interesting, but hard to write. Im so immensy glad that you liked how i painted him. I want to write more about Anya and Sirius toghether too, but im obsessed with taking it slow. I want this story not to be about the romance as much as about the characters and their evolvment throught it. Sirius didnt regognise her, because she was practically another person in the light of day, and because he was totally wasted that night they danced. And from school, well, Anas is practically invisible there. She always avoids him, for reasons that IM goign to write about in next chapters (i dont wanna rin the fun by telling) And besides, Sirius is one of the cool kids, he doesnt look at the weird people around him with too much interest. (Alicia on the other hand IS popular at Hogwarts. But Im going to dwell on that later.) I want that to be clear about him. Hes not the typical good guy, the white knight. He is as pompous as his relatives, the only diference being that he is on the different side of the fence.

No no, no amnesia or weird problems in this story. The past that Sirius and Anya have is entirely from her pov. He doesnt even know her face. As fro Alicia... not even I know what Im going to do with ehr exacly. But I have some interestign ideas roaming around. ;P


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Review #47, by Serendipity1234 Act 6 - Brothers

25th July 2011:
I think Anya's relatable. She's definitely extreme and intense, but I feel inunderstand her, even though I get a little impatient and frustrated with her sometimes. Like I want her to just fess up to someone and vent or face her issues because it's like this awful, long-term pressure and stress building on her. And I can practically FEEL it, you describe it so vividly. =]. I feel like I have her anger and headaches, and when I reach the end of a chapter, the feelings subside and I notice even more how intense they were. Which makes me sympathize with her.
You're a brilliant writer. I really enjoy reading this story. I love all the dancing stuff and I haven't seen anything like it in other stories so far.
I think Anya's inner struggle is that she has random feelings for Sirius Black? She seems to hardly know him, yet she also seems to be kind of in live with him. Getting super jealous, remembering when she felt she first 'connected' with him, and trying to ignore it because she wants to basically drop the magical world and focus on ballet.
What I'm curious about is whether she's been in love with him since that day on the platform or if it started like last semester? And how he doesn't know who she is when they're in the same house and he's hooked up with her friend Alicia? Maybe he just didn't recognize her in the club or had forgotten about her? And she's like...afraid of him? Because she has some sort of paranoia when it comes to intimacy? Interesting, but very weird. Although I'm expecting her to get over that and grow throughout the story. Lol. Inthink that's kind of a major part of this story...
Can't wait to read more =]

Author's Response: Oh the happiness of reviews! No really, this one was the one that most instantly made me smile. Because of teh fact that you like my character because of her intensity, but most of all because you get annoyed at her, that she irritates you. That the fact that she keeps it all in and it boils in her head gets on your nerves. How many withdrawn people do you know that are lovable like puppies? Personally, I know zero of those. Because repressed people are bloody annoying. They're like time-bombs and it comes to a point where you just wish they would explode already and get it over with. I do that a lot - holding back my feelings, so I know how frustrating it gets to myself and others around me, and Im drawing a lot from my own experience when I write about her. Im really happy that you and relate to her though, that you can sympathise.

You know, I practically melted when i read your perception of Anyas relationship with Sirius and the other characters. Because there is no greter happiness for me than knowing that all the ideas i wanted this story to carry and gotten through. You are so on to some major plottwists, i felt like you have been in my head and rumaged throught my ideas :D

Thank you so much for reading my story! Really. And yes, Anyas issues with intimacy and ... well everything else, are going to be a major point in this story, mostlz because I want her flaws to dictate her actions.


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Review #48, by Serendipity1234 Act 5 - The ways the world stops turning

25th July 2011:
Wow. Anya has some serious issues. I like stories with personal growth though. =]
love the ballerina stuff!
And even though Anya thinks to herself that she's not pretty, she sounds very pretty to me. Long legs, muscular build, AND big eyes? How can you be unhappy with that...big eyes may look strange with certain expressions, like shock, but otherwise I've always considered them to be beautiful on girls...
I hope she and Alicia make up. Despite their differences, I think Alicia is awesome. She's such a true and loyal friend. And she tries so hard to be understanding...that's some of the best qualities to find in a friend.
And I didn't like that Anya basically lost all of her friends (temporarily?) but I liked the outburst. I liked how she was witty about her insults =]
And you keep writing "thought" instead of "though"

Author's Response: I know!! She does had issues, and pretty heavy ones too! I just love writing her exactly for that reason. Still happy that the ballet details are still enjoyable.
I Know what you mean about Anya's apparence. You see, she has a very interesting perception of herself. She doesn't think she is pretty because she is around a lot of pretty girls and knows what classical beauty is. And she is not it. This aspect is a bit more dwelled upon in other chapters. Sure, she has a great body, but i wanted it to be clear that her face is as plain as it gets, if not a little unattractive. I wanted her to be a little akward, weird looking. Im tired of heroines that look like models. Ugly girls fall in love too right! And boys occasionally find them beautiful even when they're not so much. When writing about her eyes, I always thought of Umbrige her her toad like eyes. Big eyes are expressive and that quality is going to be big on Anya on chapters to come, being that she is not one to talk about her feelings, i had to find some way for her feelings to do the talking without her permission.

Alicia is kinda like my safety net. Ive tried to web an interesting relationship between her and Anya, something to reflect that weird feeling of control in friendships between girls. there is this relationship of dominance between them, that is a bit complicated. They love and hate each other, and im trying to write it as best as i can. Alicia is loyal by nature, and she cares for Anya, but through Alicia, I wanted to tell that its not easy to be close to Anya, because she gets weird and pushes people away in the moment when she needs them most.

About Anya's friends... well, they really weren't her friends, because Anya's only friend is Alicia, and sometimes Cleo (who i tried hard to portray as someone who is everyones friend) The other girls are Alicia's friends and tolerate Anya just because Ali wants them to. Alicia is kinda like the queen bee or something, but i know that i didn't give that feeling right. I'm going to work on that.


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Review #49, by Serendipity1234 Act 4 - Under the feathers of the white swan

24th July 2011:
I've noticed that one of your most common mistakes is writing "thought" instead of "though". I don't know if you have some weird form of spellcheck, but I think every time you meant to say 'though' (like although, without the 'al' ) you said 'thought' (like she was having strange thoughts about riding hippogriffs (I don't know how to spell that...) )
I really liked this chapter! I'm not a dancer, but I love reading all this stuff about dancing! I think it's so cool and fascinating. And I love how you connect the dancing so much to Anya's personality. It makes dancing seem just perfect for her and even though I don't know much about dancing, it makes it easier to understand her. Brilliant. =]
can't wait to read more!!

Author's Response: Lately my laptop broke and in my new computer I haven't had word document installed yet, so i write on a program that doesn't have spell check at all. I'm usually horrible with grammar, but the fact that I have no spell-check makes it all worse by far. I'm really sorry that this gets in the way of the story. I hate this in my writing. I never get all of my mistakes when i edit by myself.

Glad you still like my writing though, despite of the stupid typos. I edited this chapter a lot of times, because at first it was very very different. Same idea, but more tiring to read, because there was very little dialogue and everything happened in Anya's head, which got boring after a while. I was nervous about the ballet details too, but those i couldnt cancel even if i wanted to, because like you noticed (squeal of happy glee here) dancing is a very important part of this character. Lots of things i want to say about her, are going to come through with her dancing and relationship to ballet.


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Review #50, by Serendipity1234 Act 3 - Never not going to...

24th July 2011:
Hey I really like your story!
It's very intense.
Can't wait to read what happens when Sirius sees Anya at Hogwarts & Anya's perspective on it all.
The only thing that bugged me was that it seems very...erm, unrealistic?
I mean teenagers don't just go around having sex with random people and losing their virginity to strangers...or go looking for prostitutes...or maybe they do where you're from? I've never heard of anything close to that in my life except on TV. but everything on TV is exagerated. I just don't understand why all the characters are so flippant about sex...there should be quite a few pregnant muggles if this is their version of a night out...
I think you are a very skilled writer, though. You are very descriptive and this chapter was still very entertaining even though it seemed very strange to me.

Author's Response: You really had me thinking hard on the unrealisticness (is that a word) of this chapter - Ill definitely be doing some rewriting, to make things more plausible, or at least explain my characters motivations better so that the chapter doesn't sound too exaggerated.

I knew since the first moment i wrote this one that it would be far-fetched. Teenagers stirike me as very foolish beings. Im not really that old, but i remember the stupid things that I did a few years back, and I always blamed them on the fact that i was supposed to be stupid that time of my life. I had this fear that if i didn't try it all out, it would just disappear, and i wouldn't have any time to live later. I based a lot of this chapter on that way of seeing things.
But no, i wasn't trying to give a general portrayal of teens in total, but only of these two. Of Sirius who is used to having what he wants when he wants it, and of Anya who is always wound up so tight that when she lets loose, she is bound to do something stupid and irresponsible. I tried to hint in the chapter that whenever Anya flips, she goes to this club to let loose and forget herself. But you're right thought, the characters are very flippant about sex - meaning flippant about things that usually are forbidden or regarded as dangerous. I wanted everything to sound possible, as if in that hole int the ground there was no line between whats real and whats not. I did this on purpose, along with the darkness and loud music of the club. With those elements i wanted to give the whole situation an almost dreamlike quality, to justify the fact that when Sirius sees Anya later in plain daylight, he doesn't recognize her at all. In a way, this chapter was meant to sound strange.


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