Reading Reviews for Betrayal
  
33 Reviews Found

Review #26, by FredWeasleyIsMyKing The Letter

2nd January 2013:
Hello, Just filling out your requested review :)

I thought this was a great little one-shot and to answer your concerns, it works perfectly fine as a one-shot! i wasn't confused or anything at all. I don't feel the need to read the prequel to understand this part but I must say you have me interested!!

I thought the plot was great - I love reading real life drama brought into the wizarding world and I felt this worked perfectly. To find out the day before her wedding though - man, you are harsh! My heart really went out to vic!

I really liked your characterisation too. You could pretty much take the three characters wherever you wanted due to having no real insight into them from the amazing JK and I loved what you did. These people clearly have flaws and two of them in particular have seriously messed up and given into temptation. The one bit of CC I would give you is to be careful with some of the speech. At times, I didn't always feel that the things they were saying were necessary. It was more like you were trying to get their feelings out but you could have done that in the description rather than in the speech if you understand me? It's just my opinion though and it doesn't take it away from being a great piece!

I didn't notice anything wrong grammar wise and I thought the flow was great. i loved the contrast between the love and hate vic clearly feels for her sister in such a short period of time. Same goes for Teddy really too!

Well done, this is a really great one-shot :)

Lauren

Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for reading and reviewing!

I am relieved to know that it works well as a stand-alone oneshot, and that you weren't confused and didnt feel the need to read the prequel.

I am a bad person, I like to be harsh to my poor characters, haha xP But I am glad you liked the plot and you could sympathise with Vic.

I am always a little worried about characterisation so good to now that you liked all the 3 characters and could see them being "human" with their flaws.

Hmm, I'll look into what you said, though usually my style of writing is always getting it all out in speech.

Thanks again for the thoughtful review!


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Review #27, by unknownhorcrux The Letter

2nd January 2013:
I really liked this story. Most people think of Victoire and Teddy as ending up together, so I like this spin you put on it, even though it breaks my heart.

The only slight criticism I'd have is that you tend to say what she's feeling rather than showing it. Like, for example, you say 'Never before in her life, had she felt so out-of-control, so helpless, so clueless, so vulnerable'. Instead of saying something like that, it's often a lot more powerful to show how she feels, rather than just saying it bluntly. It makes stories a lot more elegant. Also, maybe if you included more of the facial expressions and body language of the characters rather than saying blunt statements.

A really nice story - well done!

Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for reading and reviewing!

I am glad you liked this story, and the different angle of which I showed Vic and Teddy.

Ah, thanks for your comment on that. I'll look into it. Usually my style of writing always tends to say things bluntly but I'll see what I can do.

Thanks again!


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Review #28, by peanuts11 The Letter

1st January 2013:
This simply broke my heart.

I started off really wary thinking that Victoire had doubts about the marriage and that it would be really hard to read but I just loved it.

I think Victoire could have had her outbursts in stages. For example, perhaps she's in a state of shock then she has an outburst then she's quiet and reflective and there could have been anecdotes of her relationship with Teddy then she starts filtering out all her feelings.

I felt like it was a bit too fast for me. However, that being said, people respond to things in very different ways.

I loved the way you expressed Victoire's thoughts, especially when she said, "You killed me, Dominique, you ruined me." That was so emotive.

I also really liked the characterisation of Vic and Dom and opposites. Victoire's more open and Dom's messy but secretive. It made me feel like I knew them as characters and had been reading this for ages rather than just in a oneshot.

I also think there could have been more action. Like Victoire throwing things or sitting in the fetal position in the corner just so it wasn't so speech driven but that doesn't even matter too much.

Aaah, loved it. I could gush forever.

:D

peanuts11

Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for reading and reviewing!

It broke my heart while writing it too, *sigh*.

Its a relief to know that even though you started out wary, you ended up loving it =)

Hmm, I am sorry if it was a little too fast for you and you'd rather Vic had had her outbursts in stages, but as you said people respond differently to situations. In my mind, I felt like she'd have reacted this way, but thanks for the suggestion!

I tried to make this as emotive as possible over all, so its good to know certain emotive parts stood out to you.

Its great to know that you could grasp Vic and Dom's characters so well through just a little one-shot. It makes me feel good as a writer :)

Hmm, thanks for your comments. If I ever do an edit, I'll think about more action.

But I am happy you liked this, thanks a ton!


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Review #29, by Siriusly89 The Letter

1st January 2013:
Hello! Siriusly89 here with your requested review :D

Before I begin, I just want to warn you that I review AS I read so it can get a bit disjointed at times :P

Okay, hold the phone! Teddy had an affair with DOMINIQUE? And then he has the gall to propose to VICTOIRE? He has some neck! And Dominique with her 'I'm so sorry', I did not blame Victoire for slapping her! I would have too!

I loved the confrontation between her and Teddy! And how Teddy was all confused and again with the 'Im so sorry' I really would have loved if Victoire slapped him too, but you can't have it all :P

This was a really, really well written piece! I loved how you showed the betrayal, how you went into depth in both Victoire's grief and anger, you got the balance brilliantly! I really like this!

Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for reading and reviewing!

Haha, I love your reactions xP I can understand why you think Teddy and Dom deserved to be slapped. My main aim was for my readers to sympathise with Vic and that was fulfilled so I am glad xD I would like if you could read the prequel to this (Ending It) which is from Teddy & Dom's POV and see what you think!

Anyway, thanks so much for your review. I am happy to know you liked it so much!


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Review #30, by slytherinchica08 The Letter

1st January 2013:
Oh I feel so bad for Vic that she found that letter the day before her wedding to him! How horrible! I had always wondered what had happened after that first oneshot about Dom and Teddy and I'm glad to find out that things went this way and Dom didn't have to witness her sister get married to the man she loved as well. But now i just have more questions and want to know more about their story, will dom and teddy get back together? How will Vic ever get over this huge heartbreak? and will she ever forgive the two for what they did to her? So much I want to know! I thought this was a great sequal to Ending It and enjoyed it very much! The letter Teddy wrote Dom is so sad and yet touching at the same time but he was rather thick headed to write such a letter so close to his wedding day especially since Dom would of course be with Vic that day! I felt so bad for all three of them, each with their own heartbreak. I very much liked this! Great Job!

~Slytherinchica08~

Author's Response: Thanks for reading and reviewing!

Ah I am glad you liked this one-shot and it answered some of your musings as to what happened after Ending It. Haha your questions are never ending it seems xP I'll see if I ever turn this into a trilogy and write another sequel to this trying to answer some of your questions xD
Teddy is rather thick headed, yeah.
Its good to know you liked this, and you understood the characters and the concept, thanks!


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Review #31, by academica The Letter

1st January 2013:
Hello AD! I'm stopping by for Review Tag :)

This is a great little sequel to Ending It. To think, if Teddy and Dominique had parted ways without that last letter, Victoire might never have known, and the wedding might have gone as planned. I like the emotion in this piece--it must be difficult to write with such intensity, but I could really feel the pain that all three of the characters experienced.

A couple of small critiques--I'm a little confused by her name. Wouldn't she be Victoire [middle name] Lupin, with the only change being the last name? I just don't understand why Teddy's name is in there. I also think you made a small error when Victoire accused Dominique of having an affair with her boyfriend--he is her fiance now.

I would love to see you turn this into a trilogy, of sorts, and write about how the rest of the family reacted to the affair and the cancelled wedding. Perhaps it would help bring closure to everyone.

Great job :)

-Amanda

Author's Response: Hey! Thanks a ton for reading and reviewing! I always look forward to your reviews!

I am glad that you liked this little piece. It was a plot bunny that attacked me at 5 AM xP

It feels so nice to hear that you think the emotion in the narrative was intense and that you could feel the pain my characters were feeling. I always try to write as much emotional intensity as possible, but somehow I can never be as good as writers like you xP

As for the name issue, many times I hear people saying their name as "Own name-husband name-husband family name" and thus I went with that format. Not sure if it was right or wrong. Oh, and thanks for catching that fiance mistake, I'll correct that right away!

I didn't plan of turning this into a trilogy but now that you have mentioned it, I'll think about it xD Thanks for the idea!

And thanks so much for the review once again!


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Review #32, by Julie London The Letter

1st January 2013:
Oh god! That was so sad!!! But the story is very well written. Keep it up!

Author's Response: Thanks a lot for reading and reviewing!

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Review #33, by Gabriella Hunter The Letter

31st December 2012:
HELLO!

Its me, Gabbie with your requested review and how could you not ask me to read this sooner? I feel like I've been cheated! Hahah. I have to say that this was amazing, I loved what you've done here and the opening paragraphs are so sweet. I wasn't really sure what was going to happen here since Victoire is so happy but then, well, we found out.
I always found Victoire to be a hard character to write for (Like, George, Dumbledore and so on and so forth) but the fact that she's an NG character gives you freedom to create a whole new world. I might have liked to have seen a bit more of her, maybe a few more quirks or habits to get better into her character. Perhaps you could add in how the family felt while telling what she does for a living? That's all it needs but that's just my opinion, I still loved it! From what I was able to tell, Dom and she aren't as close as she would like and I thought that that was a shame. Especially with what happened! It was cute how excited she was about Dom having a boyfriend but the content! Oh, I could hear her heart breaking and the confrontation between she and Dom was powerful.
I would have liked a brief description of both of the sisters just to see visualize their differences better but I was able to get their personalities regardless.
Oh, Dom...tsk, tsk, tsk.
And then Teddy! Ugh, I wasn't sure what was worse? The fact that he and Dom were together for SEVEN months behind Victoire's back or the fact taht he was marrying her while being in love with her sister! Really?! I don't blame Victoire for going over to his house and from his reaction, he wasn't really all THAT surprised to see her and I was glad that she didn't brush the issue aside for love. :D
Glad for that. Not sure how she would move on but Merlin, what a ride! Not sure what you're going to do with it but keep going, I would read it! I love me some angst! :D
The only other CC I could give and don't think its anything major was just that Teddy's dialogue felt a little too proper. You may or may not want to relax it a little but that's about it for me, I didn't see any huge grammar things. There were one or two but the pacing is great and the range of emotion is fantastic. ;)
Great job!
Much love,
Gabbie

Author's Response: Hi! Thanks for reading and reviewing!

I am flattered after reading your review, thanks, hehe. I just posted this story 2 days back so I couldn't have asked you sooner xP

The opening parts are always the hardest for me to write, so I am relieved to know you liked them and they set the story onward for you!

Well, I usually tend to not elaborate much on characters in my writing, rather let readers interpret the characters themselves, thus the lack of "facts"/habits etc about Vic. But still, if I ever do an edit, I'll try to add in more quirks or habits of hers, and other details.
It is good to know you found the confrontation powerful as I struggled a bit while writing it. Its a relief you got both the sisters' personalities even though I didn't provide much detail on either of them, as that was my aim.
I see Victoire as a strong proud woman and she wouldn't throw away her dignity and self-respect just because of love. So, I am glad you're glad for that xD
You are free to read the prequel to this, its called "Ending It", its angst too, and it shows Dom's side of story =) As of now, I haven't thought about going further with this, but lets see!
Hmm, I'll see what I can do for Teddy's dialogue. Thanks for the comment!

Thanks again for reading & reviewing!
Love, AD


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