Wow, this was very different to what i normally read, usually i wouldn't touch a Percy fanfiction but your choice of chapter title just grasped my attention straight away. It was the perfect description of Percy's situation. Anyway, i'll get to th review now.
Percy: Very in character, you showed another side to him, you showed the struggle inside his head, the difficulty of swallowing his pride or remaining too pompous. and you made it realistic, i could really beleive this was coming from Percy's point of view. I even felt sorry for him.
Aberforth: Definitley in character, especially the line where he snapped at Percy 'are you a Weasley or not?' that part was gold. Good job with him.
Plot: This plot woves so well into the book, it was like a missing part if you get what i mean, very intriguing and very well written.
Flow: This flowed really well, nothing stuck out as odd or out of topic. It was all brilliantly composed and i loved it.
Grammar: This was really good as well, there were times when you jumbled your word classes up but i think you got away with those hiccups just about :)
Spelling: That seemed perfect, at least i disn't stumble across anything.
Punctuation: Perfect, this was spot on.
Descriptive Language: This was spot on as well, your description weren't too heavy, but there was enough detail in there to ensure i had a crystal clear image in my head. I could really reale to Percy and i could understand his thoughts and emotions without any difficulty.
Overall, a very unusual yet original idea for a first chapter. Brilliantly done, a definite 10/10
Katie Report Review
I wish my original review had not been eaten by the system. I wanted to leave some memo of how highly I regarded this story, how beautifully you got into Petunia's head. You humanized this [awful!?] character, even made her sympathetic.
The little bit of denial over her own hypocrisy (me, read about actresses? take bubble baths in the daytime? be nosy? never!) was so cleverly done, with a light touch.
You got to the better qualities that JKR concealed -- her love for her son, her protectiveness, her great attachment to her family that was frustrated by her sister's impossible-to-understand weirdless. Her child's jealousy and longing for attention.
The tragic demise of her parents was an interesting choice, because it gave an emotional rationale for the terrible animosity she held for her nephew and the awful way she treated him.
As I said before, this is an outstanding view into the life of a disliked character. Report Review
This chapter feels like it wants to be three different stories - one about hypnosis, one about Sumer and its gods, and one about Harry's acceptance of his inevitable sacrifice. Those three stories don't have a strong enough thematic link to chain them all together into a single entity, nor do they feel like enough time has been spent on each individually, and so as a result the chapter as a whole feels crowded and disjointed. I'm left wanting further exploration of the idea of hypnotherapy and how other aspects of Mesopotamian mythology map on to the Harry Potter universe - I just want to rip those parts away and let them be stories of their own, and have this story flow cleaner and lighter, free of baggage it doesn't need in order to be told. There's a lot of interesting concepts here, but it feels like most of them are like new trees under the canopy - crowded out and not getting enough light to grow.Author's Response: Thank for reading and reviewing. I see what you mean in terms of the ideas need more "space" to develop. I think the problem is that as this is a colaboration and only one chapter was allowed per character I tried to explore too many themes. I normally write longish novels so I have more time to expand and explore, so I guess that's where it all gets crowded. I'm also aware of having a tendency to using multiple plots simultaneously. You may be right in that it was too much to mix together. Report Review
Wow. Good job!! This is amazing! Report Review
Aw! *Sniffling as tears start to fall* Poor Luna! Report Review
Aw! *Using a box of tissues to stave the flow of tears* How adorable! Report Review
Finally some justice for Percy's character! I have always been intrigued by Percy's character in the Harry Potter series, someone who is obviously a smart person yet often acts as a punching bag for his family members because his short wit. This story adds long overdue tidbits into Percy's life. The story of redemption is always a essential, because we all make mistakes. We all need to hear it sometimes and if done correctly, it can truly inspire. Momotwins, you've done it again. Well done! Report Review
Wow, that was long long long :)
That was an interesting concept, Harry trying to find out what happened when he was a baby even though I thought he knew everything about it and would want to move on in the future. Nevertheless, you wrote the story wonderfully. The dialogue of the doctor was done nicely, and his methods were interesting. Good job!Author's Response: Thanks so much. Yes, because one character could only take up one chapter it was a bit of a feat to squeeze in all the information.
This story is pretty AU. I thought of hypnosis and the Pensive before DH. I was a bit disappointed to be honest that Lily didn't acutally used a spell because I always wanted to find out how she did manage to save Harry.
I'm glad you enjoyed this story and the dialogue. This follows very closely what would really happen in age regression hypnosis. I did tons of reading on that.
Thanks so much. x Report Review
Aww... what a sweet, but sad chapter. I love how you have her deciding about joining the battle, how she does it so Teddy can have a future. It's a very honorable thing the way she decides, though still sad knowing the outcome. I love how you have the bit at the beginning with Remus in it and then her deciding to join along. This was a really nice story. Great job!Author's Response: Thank you for the lovely review. This chapter took me a LONG TIME to write. I really wanted to share the depth of emotion I thought that Tonks would feel as a mom. I had a much harder time with it than I thought I would. I'm glad that it has been so well-received.
It was a privilege to be a part of such a talented group of writers.
-N.E.P. Report Review
I love the way you show the love between Remus and Tonks and the way you so beautifully depict the quiet scene with the family, the peacefulness of a child falling asleep nursing. I love it that they finally have their moments of happiness and contentment together, though it obviously didn't last long for them. They both did what they had to do for their son even if it meant that they couldn't be with him. I think you captured all the emotions of the situation quite beautifully.Author's Response: I can remember back when my two young ones were that little (just barely). One of my favorite times of the day was when the little guys had nodded off but before I actually put them down for the night. I wanted to share a glimpse into their peaceful family time before they were so horribly interrupted.
Your positive review means a great deal to me. Thanks for letting me be a part of this group of writers.
-N.E.P. Report Review
Hi there, it's jetaway from the forums. I'm so sorry that this review took so long to get to you, but now I'm here! :)
I have to say this was really interesting and quite enjoyable. I really like your writing style. Your use of Sumerian mythology was definitely interesting. Recently, I read the Epic of Gilgamesh so I wasn't entirely lost, but I was slightly confused because in Gilgamesh I believe Inanna was refered to as Ishtar. Perhaps leave a footnote spelling out exactly who the gods/goddesses are?
Excellent story in all!
- JessicaAuthor's Response: Hiya,
Sorry I haven't been on this account for ages, with Christmas and everything, real life got just very hectic. My apologies for taking sooo... long especially since I requested the review.
I'm glad you enjoyed this chapter and feel very flattered about your comment re style. Makes my day!
Now, Ishtar and Innana are the same goddess. Innana is the Sumerian name and Ishtar the Akkadian one, so basically the same as the Roman/Greek gods which have different names respectively but same functions so to speak.
Thanks so, so much Jessica. x Report Review
this is brilliant
you deserve your prize Report Review
That was so beautiful! Heart wrenching would be the best word, actually! That's the closest I've ever come to crying when reading a fan fic. Tonks was so well written, her love for her family was so strong. . . and yet she still left.
I loved it! The writing was amazing and I nearly teared up. I could see everything you wrote as if it were a movie. . .
WOW! 10/10, definitely!!!Author's Response: Thanks so much for letting me know you enjoyed it. This story was a very long time in coming (August - December) for such a short tale, but I really hoped I'd capture the emotion that must have come with her decision.
Thanks a million for the 10/10. It was a privilege being part of this incredible collaboration.
-N.E.P. Report Review
Beautifully written! You certainly have a talent with words. I love the imagery here too, the child nursing, the almost extinct fire...
The emotions come through very powerfully as well. Now, the only thing is that they both seem to know for a fact that they will die when they decide to join the battle. I would have thought that perhaps they would have held a glimmer of hope for their own survival, but in a way, it makes it more powerful because the whole extent of their sacrifice comes to the fore.
Absolutely beautiful chapter, it almost made me cry!Author's Response: Thanks for you kind words Morgana. I really tried to concentrate on setting the scene for the the peaceful family night that met such an unexpected end.
I know that it would have been a much happier outcome if they'd been reunited post-battle, but that wasn't to be. I believe both Tonks and Lupin would have known the most-likely outcome of their entering the battle. (Tonks already knew how much Bellatrix wanted to kill her from the flight of the 7 Harrys.) Lupin knew his main priority was to give Harry a chance against Voldemort, so saving his own life wasn't his main priority.
Thanks for the lovely review!
-N.E.P. Report Review
That was really good! I was so excited to see a new update, and it certainly didn't disappoint! I think you captured both Tonks and Lupin very well, and her reasons for leaving her infant son to go fight were just perfectly articulated. Great job!Author's Response: I'm glad you enjoyed it. I have to admit that I don't have as good of a handle on Remus/Tonks as I do my preferred paring of Ginny/Harry. I'm so happy you thought it was well done.
-N.E.P. Report Review
That was so good. Tonks was a very interesting character, in that while she seemed outwardly goofy and immature, she held very deep emotions and a strong determination to have and do what she wanted on her terms. Her stubborn love for Remus wore him down until he realized that she would not turn away once she had decided to be with him. She loved her son and her husband enough to risk it all for them. The emotions in this are done very well. This is an excellent addition to the collab. I have to say, I was so excited to see it at the top of my faves again!Author's Response: Oh, I'm just so happy that everyone seems to have enjoyed my chapter. I have to admit that I really love Nymphadora. I wished she could have made it out of the Battle of Hogwarts, but she wouldn't have been happy without Remus. She was truly brave to the end.
I really wanted to share the emotional depth of this scene. I'm glad that it came across well.
Thanks so much for taking the time to review!
-N.E.P. Report Review
Wow! This was a great chapter!! I really enjoyed the insight in Dumbledore's mind, you wrote him amazingly well.
Usually people see him as a man capable of doing the impossible because of his sheer awesomeness in the books, but you really showed a vulnerable side of him - a moment in his life when he witnessed the death of his little sister without doing anything to prevent the tragedy to happen. This is something he blamed himself for throughout his life and definitely a defining moment for him - the moment he finally realized Gellert was not doing the right thing.
The little elements of humor here and there were very well placed, giving the whole chapter a sense of irony, almost like trying to give it a feeling of an everyday situation --- because to someone emotionally detached from the family, it isn't the slightest bit unusual to have people dying every day. However, to the two brothers, it was the end of the world as they knew it --- Aberforth had lost the only person who never judged or rejected him and Albus had, aside from his sister, lost his faith in the man he loved and admired above everyone else.
This sentence was probably one of my favorites since it described the somewhat strained, yet still loving in a way, relationship between the two brothers: "Neither Albus nor Aberforth would realise for many years that they had not lost everything on this warm summer night, but that would not be until they reconciled and discovered that they had had each other all along."
The emotional turmoil in him was written so well. The shock, the sadness, despair, anger, disappointment, his loss of confidence in Gellert, all of these emotions flowed into one another flawlessly and succeeded in painting a perfect image of a turning point of Albus' youth and the moment that pointed him towards becoming the awesome guy we've met through JKR's books.
Congratulations!! This was an amazing piece of writing and an absolute pleasure to read.
~Vedrana (Rosie Nymphadora at eHPF)Author's Response: Thank you! Dumbledore is probably my favorite character, and I think I love him in the same way many people love Snape - we erroneously see him as one thing through most of the books when he is actually tremendously flawed. So I wanted to do some kind of justice to his character. ^_^
For better or worse, I can't help but throw in a bit of humor in everything I write. xD But I'm glad you picked up on the irony and almost banality of the scene, because that was exactly what I was going for. Ariana's death was an accident and accidents don't happen in a grandiose fashion, they happen when you least expect them to. The final Al v. Gellert battle would have to be written in a more spectacular fashion, but I've always envisioned this scene in simpler terms.
I like that quote too. =) There's tragedy in the fact that Albus & Aberforth were estranged for so long, and I think people sometimes forget about that.
It's really difficult for me to write emotionally-charged stuff, particularly angst, (because I'm so darn emotionally shallow =P) so I'm glad you found Al's inner turmoil to be believable.
Thank you so much for this flattering and kind review! I'm just glad you enjoyed this chapter. =D
-gryffie Report Review
Wow... Just - wow. I know I've read this chapter several times when I first came to leave a review and now when I'm re-reading it to make up for the comment lost in the crash, I'm completley awe-struck all over again.
You've had me hooked from the very start. I understand this story takes place in your own AU version of DH --- Mysteries Unveiled and it also amazes me on how you've managed to pick up so many little "signs" so cleverly placed in the perivous books. This feels so real to me, you've gotten into Harry's head so well, I almost believed it was actually him telling the story.
The idea of hypnotherapy is very original and you've used it so well here. The disturbing childhood memories of little Harry were really heart-wrenching. :( The Dursleys really were so mean to him!
Also, I very much liked the way you've used Cecilia here. It's almost ironic how she seems to be the one to uncover the key to Voldemort's final destruction. I especially enjoyed the parts with the Sumerian mythology, being a mythology nut myself... :D It's so evident that you've done a great deal of reasearch and it definitely paid off with an amazing result.
The part that really got to me was the final one - the one where Harry realizes he is actually the final Horcrux. Once again, it is shown just how much his friends love and support him, you've shown that throughout the entire chapter.
I think I've mentioned this before, but I never really was much of a Harry-lover. He definitely has admirable characteristics, but there were always other characters I found much more interesting and attention worthy. However, I believe that with this chapter, you've managed to convert me. ;)
I really enjoyed this story, it was an absolute pleasure reading it! Unfortunately, I don't think this review managed to fully express everything that I felt while reading it, the one I left before (the one lost in the crash) was so much better in my opinion... I really should start saving all the good ones... ;)
Thank you so much for writing such an amazing chapter! *hugs*
~Vedrana (Rosie Nymphadora)Author's Response: Vedrana,
Thanks, so, so much for reviewing this again. It's truly appreciated. Also, it is so encouraging and detailed!
I mentioned before the crash how much I appreciate this, especially since Harry is not your favourite character, although you still like him. It's funny because I did a few HP personality tests for fun and I come up as Harry most of the time, maybe that's why I found it easy to try to get into his head. As you know, this was my first attempt at writing in first person ever but I thought, okay, he's my favourite character, so maybe I can do him.
Your first review was fantastic too but this one is by no means any less detailed. I feel so incredibly flattered.
I love psychology and mythology and I thought in would be interesting to use these elements. Yes, I did a fair amount of research but I throroughly enjoying doing it.
Yes, the Dursleys were very mean to him and it is almost miraculous that he didn't turn out far worse. I'm glad that you think that his friends support shows throughout the story. They know him very well and they know what he is going through, especially towards the end. I was in fact convinced since HBP that he was an accidental Horcrux. I think Dumbledore planted several clues in this direction, even in much earlier books when he tells Harry that he can speak parseltongue because Voldemort, accidentally, transfer a part of him into Harry.
Cecilia for some reason got my imagination before DH, even though we only see her for a very brief moment. She was rich and spoilt once but circumstances change people and she is a very old lady here and a very knowledgeable one. She will feature in my novel-length too. Although the priest doesn't come up here, I thought it would be interesting to have two Muggle advisors of Harry who are a priest and a parapsychologist respectively.
Sumerian mythology is not as well known as other mythologies and I thought it would be interesting to weave this into the plot.
Honestly, your review has certainly made my day!
Hugs x Report Review
Wow, this was a great chapter on Ginny! I always saw her as a very confident, very strong character, but she really wasn't like that always, was she? She really used to be that shy, scared little girl desperately in love with Harry. However, the way you developed her from that girl into the fierce, confident Ginny that we know by introducing Stephen was very well done! It's quite possible even for the strongest of characters to fall for a jerk and be so blinded by love not to see their true colors. The way Stephen treated her was just horrible and she endured it all because she wasn't sure in her own worth. She hid her insecurities and fears behind a mask of confidence because she thought it would help her forget about Harry and Stephen realized that and used it to his advantage.
I especially liked the talk Ginny had with Molly. It was a true mother-daughter bonding moment and it finally opened her eyes - she finally realized she should wait for someone who will recognize her true worth, even if that someone *cough-Harry-cough* took a little more time to get his act together and finally realize that she had always been right in front of him. He was just to stupid to see her for the wonderful girl that she is.
Amazing chapter, I enjoyed it immensely!
~Vedrana (Rosie Nymphadora at eHPF)Author's Response: Thank you so much for your wonderful review. I really wanted to convey that Ginny wasn't always as strong as she's portrayed to be in the books, later on. We know in CoS she's not very strong, but then in OotP and later she is very strong. I felt like we needed to know what happened to make her the strong independent woman she is. I love how confident Ginny is now. I loved the talk with Molly too. It's not often a teenager looks to their parents for advice, and even less often when they listen if they haven't been through something horrible. Ginny had to go through what she did before she listened to her mom, otherwise, I don't think it would have meant as much! Thank you! Report Review
Aw, this was so sweet!! I almost teared up in the end and it's not really that easy to make me cry.
You've characterized Andromeda so well! I really enjoyed all the memories of her and Ted. It's interesting how you've made them meet at work instead of in Hogwarts like most authors tend to, so you definitely get points for originality. :D
The whole concept of the chapter - with little Teddy interrupting with his questions, also the way you've expanded the story through several days - it was all extremely well done. There was also very delicate switching between Andromeda's memories and the things she chose to tell little Teddy. You've managed to make the story flow so well without once losing the track of flashbacks, dialogs or timeline. Great job!!
I enjoyed this very much!
~Vedrana (Rosie Nymphadora) Report Review
While reading your chapter again, I just can't stop marveling on how you've managed to characterize Bellatrix so fully. She is a bit different here than in the books, but I rather like your description of her. You've introduced a younger Bellatrix, a before-Azkaban Bellatrix who is still fairly "innocent".
It's amazing how in a sole sentence you've managed to compare her with her sisters and show how she always felt above everyone else - how she longed for someone worthy of her, but somehow never managed to find such a person. That is, until she met Voldemort. I liked how you made her devotion to him be a direct consequence of her admiration, of her joy to finally find someone as worthy as she considered herself to be - maybe even more worthy than she was. She finally found someone she had to prove herself to.
There's a tiny part of her character that didn't really fit my vision of Bella. You've mentioned that she never killed or tortured anyone before. I kind of see Bella always having that violent streak - maybe torturing the family cat in the back yard as a kid or something like that, but hey! It's your story and I respect your characterization of her fully! :) You did an amazing job.
One more thing, you really have a knack for writing in the first person! I never really got the hang of it, I always end up being overly subjective, but it seems to come so natural to you.
Great chapter! I really enjoyed reading it!
~Vedrana Report Review
This was another wonderful contribution to this collaboration. I loved how you've described Angelina's pain and devastation with Fred's death. Her feelings were so real...
The way she tried to lose herself in the happy memories they shared together was so well done, very well placed within the chapter. Angelina is a very strong character, but it only takes as much to have even the strongest break. The death of her love was what did it for her. Fortunately, the memory of him and the support and understanding she received from her family and friends managed to pull her out of it.
I especially liked George's part in the story and how in the end they managed to help each other out with dealing with the pain of their loss.
Great job! I liked this a lot!
~Vedrana (Rosie Nymphadora at eHPF) Report Review
Awww, this was such a lovely chapter!
I loved the part with Hannah remembering her mother and the motive of a locket as a family heirloom that has been passed through the generations of their family. The flashback you've included - Hannah watching her mother getting ready for a formal dinner, Hannah finally receiving the locket for her birthday, Hannah receiving the news of her mother's death, Hannah's wedding day; they were all so wonderfully placed to go with the flow of the chapter. The ending was absolutely wonderful and the choice of a defining moment for Hannah, the moment she passed on the family heirloom to her daughter and the wonderful thought of her mother living on in her memories and in her heart.
Wonderful story. Great job!!
~Vedrana (Rosie Nymphadora at eHPF) Report Review
I know I've reviewed this before, but since the reviews were lost in the crash, I wanted to re-read all of the entries and review them again.
Even now, while re-reading every chapter, I just can't help but to be amazed with the quality each of them is written.
This is absolutely amazing! I always enjoy reading about minor characters since it's the fanfiction authors that give them soul and a character based around the name JK provided them with.
Your portrayal of Kendra was amazing! You've described a proud, strong woman whose cold character is a consequence of her unfortunate life. She changed for the better encouraged by Percival's love - a lovely metaphor with the "locked door of her childhood", however, another tragic event took him away from her and with him, her faith in people and the world itself.
"She felt herself being forced back behind the locked door of her childhood, and her heart clawed toward freedom inside her. Her entire soul trembled with this decision to return to a life of solitude and loneliness. Turning to take in the soft curve of her daughter’s cheek in the moonlight, she steeled herself to her choices. For the safety of her daughter, she would be the prisoner again." - She made the ultimate sacrifice, trading her happiness for the well-being of her daughter. She knew she had to become the cold woman she used to be in order to endure the trials that were to follow.
The transitions you made, from the flashback of her lonely childhood, the feeling of not belonging anywhere, of being misunderstood by everyone; to the happy days with Percival who had taught her to embrace love and happiness and the abruptness of that kind of life ending were wonderfully done. It's almost ironic how it takes a while for a person to open up, but just a moment is enough for them to close back into themselves again. And once it happens, it's so much more difficult to get out of that shell ever again.
"Percival vanished into the bright morning sun with the wizards who were intent upon bringing justice to the world." - beautiful...
Wonderful chapter, you've done an amazing job with providing Kendra Dumbledore, a character no one really paid much attention to, with a life and a history. You've made her real, you've made me feel with her pain and understand her actions.
Thank you, it was such a pleasure reading this.
~Vedrana (Rosie Nymphadora at eHPF) Report Review
Very good story. Very deep. I never would have thought to look at Harry's final revelation this way. The part with the Sumerian Mythology was a bit hard to follow at times, but for the most part, I got the gist. The story flowed very well and was very intriguing. I may just have to take a look at some of the other stories when my review que goes down. Keep up the good work .. and I would be happy to review anything else for you :)Author's Response: Sorry, I replied to you earlier but it didn't show, it seems, so I'll do it again.
I'm so flattered by your comments, OMG! Yes, Sumerian mythology is rather obscure, not very well known but I did follow it at least 95%. I took a tiny licence with it (Inanna) in that she was far more a sexual goddess in nature, now the flood etc, I was sort of married to an archaelogist and believe me every civilisation has that! (I gather based on something real, my guess). I mean, ok, the Bible has it (common to Christians, Jews and Muslims) but beyond that it was there before that (the flood!). Believe me I research like possessed!
I'm so glad you enjoyed this by the way and thanks so much for reviewing. x
Thank you also for becoming intrigued about my writing generally, same goes, I'll love to review some of your stuff too! x Report Review
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