I have never laughed that much wen it said 'Lily Potter' as the password!! brilliant chapter :D JilyRonks x Report Review
I'd just like to ask one question before I start reading this: There is not going to be any Sirius/Lily in this fic, right? Cause I am not too keen on reading that, but this fic looks interesting. Hope the question doesn't offend^^Author's Response: No Sirius/Lily involved in this story. I'm definitely not a fan of that pairing. I'm keeping it as closely to canon as possible.. with a few little tweaks here and there.
The question didn't offend me at all. Thanks for the review :) Report Review
Hi! Back again! And SO sorry it's taken me so long ... I have taken a break from my review thread this month to try to catch up on fics like this but it's not really working. Bloody Real Life. Oh well.
Anyway. Your story. The inner critic in me feels honour bound to point out that the hospital wing Matron's name is Madam Pomfrey, not Madam Pompfry. You might want to go back and do a couple of edits for that one.
And again, broom closet? Very American. I might almost think you ARE American if you keep on with that one. :D
Right, enough of that . This chapter. Can I just say I love this quote: Black, you haven't ever willingly talked to me unless you wanted something. And that something is usually a girl, food, homework notes - or else James has bribed you. And if James had bribed you it's usually because he wants a girl, food, or homework notes. I don't think you can blame me for being a little sceptical." It's a lovely response from Lily and we really get a feel for how she feels about these two in particular. And I must say I thought it was interesting how she kept switching between "Sirius" and "Black" when addressing him.
I liked the idea of Remus telling James to show Lily what she's missing. Usually that's Sirius' job in these stories so it was nice to see Remus doing something like that. It shows a side to him we don't see much in Marauder fics. And I liked Lily's reaction to James being blase towards her - blaming the potions. Very typical of a teenager, firstly to blame something external like drugs, and secondly to use any excuse not to think about things which may be uncomfortable. Like who you're attracted to.
I'm guessing that you're going to use Chloe more in this fic. Lily has already shown herself to be jealous of her so it'll be funny to see how that progresses.
cheers, MelAuthor's Response: Oh not at all!!! I should be apologising to you! I think I am 7 reviews behind. Oh golly.. this is not good! I'm so afraid that they aren't going to be up to par when I eventually get around to them. Just know that I have so enjoyed them!!! They reviews will come soon! I hate how busy life gets sometimes. I now understand when writers vanish!
Ahhh yes. Ms Pomfrey has been brought up many times and still I haven't gone back to do all these little edits and remove the Americanisms. Hahaha.. I definitely understand why you think I'm being a fake Aussie!
Ahh yes. The ever changing relationship between Lily and Sirius. They are so fun to write together. They bounce off one another so well. Hopefully we will see more of that in the coming chapters. I've just gone and done some intensive planning with the help of Mistress. I owe her a lot. She has highlighted a lot of problem areas and I'm glad that I have the chance to fix them in the future chapters. I certainly don't want to push readers away!
Ahh yes. I made a conscience decision to make sure Remus didn't take the cliche role. Of course that soft side is there, but I needed him to be more of a Marauder, which you know and have done incredibly well in your story.
Thank you so much for the review! I promise I will get on top of yours soon. (I just read the lastest chapter - 46 - and I loved it!). Report Review
Your tension was really good at the end of this chapter. I am less of a fan of Lily every chapter, which is probably not a good thing for a protagonist. She is seeming too 2 dimensional right now. I can't wait for the next. Keep up the good work!Author's Response: Sigh. Poor Lily. I'm not doing her any favours at the moment. We will begin to see a nice side soon though!
Thank you so much for all your reviews! They were so insightful and I definitely appreciate the 6000+ commentary you have done for me. It was much needed. Hopefully I can finish off the next chapter this afternoon.
I really liked this chapter. Amos sure is a git. I focus a lot in my notes, though, about how we never got a chance to sympathize with him. He's just a flat villain. He needs to be more well-rounded. I'm interested in seeing what happens with James and these letters back and forth between his family. Good foreshadowing to keep the tension. I knew Lily was going to react like that simply because it was built up insanely in this chapter, going from person to person. I'm not sure all of it was completely necessary, especially all the conversations that sort of sounded the same, but it was a good touch. Great chapter!Author's Response: Mmm.. it wasn't necessary aye. Somtimes I concentrate too much on getting a certain amount of words out for my chapter. I don't like them to be less than 3500. There is nothing i hate more than short chapters.. but I'm working on this planning thing now so hopefully that will improve the length and content of chapters. I don't want to lose readers!
Also working on Amos. :)
Thank youuu! Report Review
I am rather fond of the chapter image :) haha
I'm still angry with Lily. I think I made that clear in my notes, so I'm going to go on to the ending. I was waiting for that to happen, though I figured it would be a little later on. I'm curious about what is going to happen because James has a very weird mindset right now. So things are about to get complicated. I'm sad we missed Snape for nine chapters, but Lily was good to agree to talk to him. I made a few notes about the forced dialogue though. How would you say those things? Probably not the same way it went in the story. Maybe from Severus, but not from Lily, you know?
I liked James in this chapter. He is subdued, but I wish we could get more from him. I feel like we are getting a lot from Lily, Aria, and Sirius and very little from anyone else. We need more James. A lot more.
Great job!Author's Response: I believe that was one of your chapter images ahah! :) It is pretty spec though.
Agreed on the need of more James. He is coming. He gets a lot of air time in chpater 13. As well as some of the characters we have missed.
Eugh, I hate how short these are. But I think you will forgive me. Thanks! Report Review
I wrote a lot of stuff on the document for this chapter, so I'm trying to think of what I could put here. You asked if I like Amos. Of course not. Does anyone? I can't stand him. He is so fake, which is what I don't like about him. Doesn't seem real--I'd like to see another side to him in the future. Something that makes him weak. He seems to high up in the hierarchy of Hogwarts. Hmm.
I liked this chapter. Sirius is a great addition, but definitely watch out for your secondary characters to take over. You mentioned how a lot of people were more interested in Sirius/Aria...that's because their plot is starting to take over while James and Lily are getting less air time. Especially James, poor boy. I'm looking forward to some more answers in this next chapter. Great job!Author's Response: Hmm. Good point about Amos. I'll be working to make sure he is convincing. I never like to read something that isnt convincing.
Ahh yes. Secondary characters. Eeep! Thankfully you have again highlighted what needed to be done and I am all set to go on the chapters that are coming. Thirteen onwards.
Thank you! Report Review
I liked this chapter, despite its shortness. I really enjoyed the different partners in potions and James getting a little emotional in front of Aria. I would actually like to see more of their relationship. You sort of tell me they have one and they've known each other forever, but I don't see it enough. Just in the dialogue and references. Maybe some James/Aria time? They seem very close. Great chapter!Author's Response: Their relationship, James and Aria's, will definitely be coming. Never fear! I'm so glad you have highlighted the problem areas for me. I want this story to be as good as I can make it.
Thank you for the review! Report Review
I really liked this chapter. The interactions between James and Lily and Sirius and Aria were great!! The whole in the dark, voiceless magic thing was great and the tension was wonderful. I also loved how everyone was so nonchalant about Aria going red when she got that kiss. They were all, "Yeah, duh. About time you figured it out." I liked that. She's a little in doubt, but it works. I'm going to enjoy her squirming in chapters to come. I liked the end too. Sure, I've seen it done before, but I like how slick Sirius is. I'm going to enjoy seeing all of those things come into play :) Great job!Author's Response: Hahaha! I loved how you described Sirius as slick. That's definitely what I am going for with him. Slick in a good way though.
And there certainly is going to be some major squirming in the coming chapters. It wouldn't be a story without some mad sexual tension.
Thank you! Report Review
I really loved this chapter. You were right about it--it's my favorite thus far. I like all the ideas floating around in this chapter and the part about the invisibility cloak was fabulous. I like the Remus has a crush on someone, though I'm hoping to find out more about her in the future. I'm not sold on this Chloe thing, though. I have a few questions about her, which will come later--not about her I guess, but about the situation. Things that should have been inserted. I liked the tone of this chapter--I like how Lily is starting to have a bit of a softer side, but she is still too hard to get me feeling for her. James has my heart at the moment...hopefully Lily will get in sooner or later haha. Great job!Author's Response: I'm so pleased you enjoyed this chapter. I must have been in a good creative mood at the time I wrote it.
I'm so sorry these responses are pathetic but I think I have exhausted myself already. But you certainly are number one reviewer.
Thanks! Report Review
I really enjoyed this chapter. I like where the characters are going, though I think you could still use more tiny details and little characterizations. You might want to work on your guy-reaction-dialogue a little more, but when you aren't a guy it's sort of hard to write them haha! I'm indifferent about them being paired together. My problem is that it's predictable and convenient and being used to get them to cooperate together, but I also think it's a good thing because they need to talk. I liked Sirius walking in later. Good. Lily is still coming off as really strong, even when it's in her POV. Dial her back a little and give her a softer side. I'm thinking as of right now Aria could be my favorite character. I like her humor and her elbowing. Give her some more spunk. Make her toss some food or get a little crazy once in a while. Great job!Author's Response: Yeah.. as I wrote this so long ago, the later chapters are a little more well planned and hopefully the characterisation comes through a bit more. I'm slowly learning everythign that should be done to grab your readers in.
Also working on the characters as well.
Thanks for the review! Report Review
This was a good one, I really liked it. Chloe is dynamic and is going to bring so many plot twists. I can foresee her in many chapters to come. Don't forget about her. She could be a regular Darian Bay haha. I really like the bets, especially between Aria and Sirius. I like the mystery behind what each person bet. It added a nice level to the whole thing. What I thought this chapter was missing was the sense of sensory (see what I did there?) details throughout. I'm excited to see where this goes next. Great job!!Author's Response: Yes. I'm glad you think that.. coz she is big trouble that girl. I definitely won't be forgetting about her.
Ahhh yes. Sensory. I'm on that. Thank you so much for the review! I love the balance of constructive criticism and praise! Report Review
Though most of the things I have for you are in the thing I am going to email you, I thought a praising review was in order. I think the chapters keep getting better and better. Though I am skeptical about some devices used, they're currently being used well. I like that James can get angry, you know? It's nice. He storms off instead of Lily. Good, good. My favorite part is probably the scene with McGonagall talking to Sirius about classes--very funny! Keep putting in details that bring your characters to life, like Lily's blueberry muffin and James ruffling his hair as a nervous habit. It creates characters.
Great job!Author's Response: Ahh yes.. I'm slowly working in all these things into my writing. Planning certainly goes a long way. Sorry it has taken so long to reply to this. It's been a month. I've been on the bggest laze about fan fiction at the moment.
Thanks so much for the review. Report Review
Siris falls for Aria!
Remus for Ella?
Author's Response: Hahaha.. it certainly won't be that cliche!
Thanks for the review. Report Review
Oh my god! Don't leave it at that~ I am pretty sure we positively need an update.
I have basically given up on both Lily and James, but I absolutely LOVE Sirius and Aria. xDAuthor's Response: Update is coming soon. Don't worry about that too much. I just need to get under way with the planning and then I will churn out regular updates.
Aww don't give up on Lily and James yet. They will get there!
Thanks for the review! Report Review
Oh my god. I love Aria and Sirius! Write about them really often, kay? x) They are so cute~ and Aria's so..."spunky"! xPAuthor's Response: I'm glad you like Aria and Sirius! They are lots of fun to write! :)
Thanks for the review. Report Review
I wouldn't call this chapter boring. You've laid some nice groundwork here for your characters. I've definitely got a feel for the relationship between the marauders and Lily.
I really liked the line, "all in good time my little stag, all in good time." very funny
Sirius' dialogue is great as well, very in character.
I'll be trying to come up with a few ideas for your plot like Janice and I talked about. Happy Holidays
*KristinaAuthor's Response: Hi Kristina!
Thanks so much for taking the time! I really appreciate what you two are doing for me. I'm glad I have some stuff right.. and I know definitely what I have to work on as well. And don't be afraid to not let me know! I love criticism!
Thanks so much again! Report Review
NO! Not Fair! You can't end it like that! Oh what shall I do while I wait for the next one?Author's Response: Haha! Same as below. Report Review
NO! Not Fair! You can't end it like that! Oh what shall I do while I wait for the next one?Author's Response: Hahah!!! I'm sorry! The next one is coming soon! I just need to get through this planning stage!
Thankss. Report Review
thisss is a REALLY well written fan fic. i discovered it around a week ago but after the second chapter i stopped reading because i never really believed in a heads common room. but than i decided to read it againnn and im soo glad i did this is the only fanfiction thatt i actully don't mind it!
this chapter is the only one that i had a slight problem with. i just can't imagine remus or sirius telling anyone about what james would tell them in confidentiality. Marauders are loyal!
but other than thattt i loved this story so far, honestly. i can't finish up till chapter 12 today because i have a biology exam tommorow
hehe anywayy hopefully i'll finish it tomorrow ;) love it! you have a really nice writting style, and i especially love some of the things you have sirius say lol although to me noone can beat james in anything :D is a crush on a fictional character healthy?Author's Response: Oh, thank you very much! I'm so glad you decided to come back. I always tell people to just force their way through the first couple of chapters coz they are not my best.
I know i'm not really conforming to anyone's views, but I'm keeping it the way it is for now... but thanks for your contribution! :)
And let me tell you, it is totally plausible to have a crush on a fictional character. I write James and Sirius the way they are coz I am definitely in love with them both! :)
Thanks so much for the review! Report Review
Hi again! Yes, I'm back, as promised, and I'm trying to get through my hefty review backlog ... and you're the first cab off the rank! I'd like to catch up on this story and a couple of others I'm reading so I'm trying very hard to do that. So, hopefully you'll be hearing from me a bit more.
Now, the first thing I noticed while reading this (aside from a bit of Sirius dialogue that sounded a bit awkward to me, but that's probably just personal taste) was the reference to Sherlock Holmes, ie "Good sleuthing, Sherlock". Nothing wrong with the quote but I do wonder whether Sirius, as a pureblood and one brought up in the House of Black, would be familiar with Muggle icons like Holmes. And whether Aria (she's a pureblood, right?) would in turn get the reference. Of course, you probably have several thousand ways of explaning it, but it just grabbed my attention.
Oh, and the Animagi thing - from that dialogue it sounds like James got the idea from a book he received in fifth year for Christmas. Didn't they start that process in third year, and only perfect it in fifth? Or is my memory playing funny tricks on me?
And, finally, you're dropping into Americanisms again with "broom closet" - in the UK (and in Australia, I thought?) they're more commonly known as "broom cupboards".
Okay, enough of that. You don't want to read my rants about canon compliance and the like, do you? You want to know how I'm liking your story.
Wow, cliffy! I do love it. And I liked McGonagall playing matchmaker - or, at least, I hope that's what she's doing. I am firmly of the opinion that Dumbledore only made those two Head Boy and Girl in the hope they'd get together, or at least it formed part of his rationale, so to have more senior staff going along with that idea just makes me smile.
The fight between Sirius and James was a good idea, but some of the text felt a bit awkward, though I do note that you've reworked some of that lately so I appreciate that, like all good stories, it's in a constant state of evolution. Generally I do think it worked, and I could definitely see James blowing his top over his best mate badmouthing the love of his life. And the flirtation also went well, you are definitely building up the sexual tension between him and Aria.
Which brings me to, the broom cupboard? Do I assume that he was doing exactly what James suggested, or is there more to it than that? And, if it was that, is he just working his way through the school like he seems to in most fics? I'm curious. I'm more than curious. As you know I'm a bit nuts when it comes to him and I'm still working out exactly how you've characterised him.
And, well, that last scene. Transfiguration partners is good, and Lily really needs to bite the bullet and just apologise so they can start talking again. So this looks like a good way to set that in motion.
Looking good! Hope to be back soon.
cheers, MelAuthor's Response: Wow! This is exciting to have this big a review! You're far too kind coming back and reviewing. I mean I'm very surprised you even make it through all of your reviews! :)
Ahh yes. The Sherlock reference. Your the second to pick up on it. Obviously it was a mistake a first.. but I just decided to leave it in there. I think Lily would been the reason Aria knew.. and I imagine that Sirius, after he left home, that he would have become much more aware of the muggle world. Not a heaps convincing explanation, but I figure it would do.
Yeaaah, you're correct again. Unfortunately, I'm not heaps bound to canon as you are. I wish I was, but then my mind just ends up wandering and I do a little bit of changing you. You're perfectly right though. They did begin it back in third. So smart those boys are! :)
Lol again, another issue I have to talk to my beta about. She is doing such a fantastic job, but I sometimes forget to look closely at the words she changes. Orrr..it could have been my fault entirely.. but I imagine I would have said cupboard though. However, I have never heard of a broom cupboard before other than in Harry.
Haha! I agree with you! I totaly reckon he was just been sneaky and made those two Heads to get them together as well. And it also makes me smile too, to think that others were in on it. Good on you McGonagall!
Yeaaah. I actually re-read the start of that chapter recently and didn't really think it fit at all. I thought it was kinda out of nowhere and went too quick. Again, unfortunately this is when I didn't plan the chapters at all and I just made them up from the top of my head. I think when I go back and do some massive edits, I might be able to fix it a bit. Until then I just have to grin and bare it haha. Thanks for the nice words though!
Oh how I love and hate sexual tension! :)
And I think you're talking about Sirius right? If I'm correct I think you're talking about the part where he says he has just come back from ravishing some girl? lol. Hmm. I may be talking about the wrong part.. or the wrong character entirely.
Hopefully, whoever it is lol, oyu will work them out soon! hhaha.
Thank you so much for the wonderful review. I plan to get onto your review this afternoon once I make myself start writing this 13th chapter. I have had no motivation lately.
Anyway, thanks again!
WHAT THE HELL'S YOUR PROBLEM!
What happened to James?
What is Sirius gonna say?
Will James make it?
Is Lily gonna break it off, like she SHOULD have?
All must be answered soon!
[=Author's Response: Hahaha... all these questions!!! And all of which I can't answer right now! They will hopefully be answered for you in the next couple of chapters.
Thank you so much for the reviews!! I hope to churn out a chapter this afternoon! Report Review
So, all the Marauders, Aria, and Ella know.
Wait, does Peter know?
[=Author's Response: Meh, who cares about Peter haha!
Nahhh.. you'll find out soon whether Peter knows! :)
Thank for the review! Report Review
WHY DID YOU NOT LISTEN TO SIRIUS, LILY?!
That dirty, cheating, prat. I HATE YOU AMOS DIGGORY!Author's Response: I completely agree with you!
Lily is somewhat blind at the moment. Hopefully that will change soon! Report Review
Lily the Big Mouth.
[=Author's Response: Tell me about it!
Thank you!! Report Review
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