When I saw that this story was updated, I just had to read it instantly! I loved this chapter, especially the whole conversation between James and Sirius; at least James was a bit forgiving, minus the whole still patching their friendship back together. I also liked Remus's reaction, and how he didn't know, that he had to go looking for the article. I do hope you update soon; I'm really enjoying your portrayal of Sirius and how his situation came to be. :)Author's Response: Thanks! This was a difficult chapter to write because it was so important in terms of their friendship so it is good to hear that it worked. Next chapter will be submitted soon! Report Review
Wow, another excellent chapter! Mr. and Mrs. Potter are so kind :) I'm really glad James is gonna start talking to Sirius again I love both of them (especially when they're haoppy :)) 10/10Author's Response: Thanks for the review! next chapter is in queue so the long awaited talk will come soon. Glad you liked this chapter and let me know what you think of the next one Report Review
I'm absolutely loving your story here, and it's been added my favorites! I'm a big fan of Sirius, and I love your portrayal of him here; showing that he has a sort of dark side that can't be helped. I hope you update soon; I'm happily anticipating the next chapter! :)Author's Response: I'm a big fan of Sirius as well as I am sure you can tell by my story. I do like exploring his dark side. I will probably submit the next chapter in a week. Thanks for the review! Report Review
Its great so far! definitely want to read more. how big are you planning this? because I'm keen on reading about sirius' life after he leaves the family- the motorbike and all. keep up the good workAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! Glad you liked it and enjoyed the story as a whole.
I originally planned to have maybe another 4-5 more chapters and end it two months into the spring term. I have the end written already, but I've been floating with the idea of continuing until the end of fifth year so I can explore more of the characters and extend some of the plot. I will see how busy I am when the point comes in the story where I wanted to stop. This story will not go past end of fifth year. Report Review
lovely chapter as always. please please update soon!Author's Response: Thank you :) Report Review
Wow this was a great chapter, as usual :D I liked the confrontation with Sirius' parents but I didn't expect it though, I thought he would just sneak out the window or something :P (but your way is better haha) I hope James and Sirius make up soon because I love them :) 10/10 :DAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review! It would have been too easy for Sirius to just sneak out a window, lol. And I figured difficult without a wand! James and Sirius will make up soon...I promise! Report Review
This is psychee from the forums, with the requested review! I'm back to review your last two chapters, since I've already left a review for the first four. I don't have much to add, I still really enjoy the fact that everything is about Sirius's struggle to distance himself from his family, the hurt he has been feeling because of the way he has been treated, his genuine love for his three best friends and the road to adulthood. This story shows the pain, the loss but also the great friendship that managed to bring a little happiness into his life and saved him from a dreaded solitude.
The description of his feelings is what I like the most about this story. The reader can feel everything that he is feeling and the description makes everything seem real. I sympathize with him, and feel sorry for everything he is going to. You portray him just as I always imagined him and I really enjoy seeing Sirius given justice.
Other than that, I like the insight into the Black family - these two chapters are the best yet and I'm positive that this story just keeps getting better and better as it progresses. I also liked the appearance of Lucius and the little insight into his relationship with Narcissa Black, soon to become Narcissa Malfoy. Everything was just really well done.
Also, I like the fact that you keep everything canon. For example, Sirius's Gryffindor posters and the two-way mirror which he used as means of communicating with James.
Keep up the good work!
-psycheeAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review! I didn't have two many reviews for the last 2 chapters and since you had enjoyed my story so far, I wanted to see what you thought, so thanks for taking the time to read next two chapters.
I'm definitely big on cannon and love throwing in cannon references, so I'm glad you caught that.
That really makes me happy to hear the reader is able to feel what Sirius is feeling. The Black family dynamic is so interesting to write about, and you'll see more of that in the next chapter. Report Review
PLEASE make more i love this story Author's Response: Thanks :)
Once the queue opens for non-trusted authors I will submit the next chapter. you shouldn't have to wait too long. i'm really glad you like it! Report Review
still think it is awesome! poor Sirius I hope he gets out of that house without getting too badly injured. It was a tense chapterAuthor's Response: Thanks for reviewing :) Report Review
I liked it a lot! I really like how you made Sirius's mother and the bit with Sirius crying was very moving. Can't wait to read the rest!Author's Response: Thank you for leaving a review :)
I hope you enjoy the rest and let me know what you think! Report Review
Hey there :)
First off, I like how you started your story off with a lot of background information. It really helped with the whole knowing what was going on in the story.
Also, you didn't have any misspellings that I saw which is always a plus! Though, I think your story could use more description. you certainly portrayed everyone well and gave insight to Sirius, but there wasn't much description about everything around them.
I love how you portrayed them. Everyone seems in character which makes it easy to read. Good job! I like the idea of your story and can't wait to see where you take it.
-- DobbysSockAuthor's Response: I added that background information after I had most of this story written; I def think it was needed for the reader to understand where the story is starting off...so glad you liked that.
Adding that type of description is always what I have to keep reminding myself not to leave out. I know that's something I need to work on.
Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Whoa. I suddenly liked Prof. Keenan much less in this chapter, and Sirius' mother is truly despicable! I honestly feel scared for Sirius. Even though I know things work out for him in the end (or at least until the end of book 5), you've got me on the edge of my seat, wondering what will go wrong next. The litany of horrors keeps going on and on, and I can't help feeling like Sirius' fragile sanity is about one second from shattering like glass.
I liked the continuity in the chapter, that it was all from Sirius' POV--this is probably just my preference, but I really like reading one (max two) POV per chapter. I find it makes for the most understandable narrative, though it comes with it's own limitations. Here, you do a wonderful job of keeping the reader firmly on Sirius' shoulder, while still revealing the depth of your minor characters. Gideon seems like a good kid (though more goody goody than I'd anticipated!), and I really liked how you foreshadowed Regulus' eventual return to the side of good through Sirius' thoughts.
Mrs. Black doesn't really seem to have much of any redeeming qualities, but she certainly lives up to her charming portrait...in fact, all the details about Grimmauld Place seem meticulously in line with canon. Very impressive. ^_^
I'm really looking forward to seeing where this fic will go--please, please rerequest when the next chapter is validated!
xoxo wenderbenderAuthor's Response: Thank you one last time! I will be sure to rerequest when the next chapter or two comes out :)
I'm glad you liked the depth of my minor characters because I do try to give them all some thought. Report Review
This was a long chapter, incorporating a lot of different perspectives. If only for that reason, I thought it was a little less successful than your previous chapters--truthfully, it just felt like a little too much to handle all at once. The best parts were, in my opinion, Snape's interaction with Lily and the whole of Remus' POV.
I can't exactly pinpoint why I didn't like the Sirius section as much...could've simply been that things completely stink for Sirius right now, and it's tough to read a character you like being so miserable. James and Remus are both acting kind of awful--even though it's a natural reaction, given the circumstances, James' comment that Sirius' is just like his (horrid!) family was pretty low. And Remus forgetting his birthday too! Poor guy. When it rains for Sirius, it really pours.
This chapter demonstrated yet another of your remarkable writing strengths: the inner monologue. There isn't much dialogue in this chapter, but you keep the story flowing nicely through each character's eyes and thoughts. My favorite sections are still mostly those with some dialogue, but I did love reading Snape's and Remus' thoughts about the situation.
One small grammatical note: This line, "Instead her brightness was strong enough to even cast him into a better light" might work better as "Instead, her brightness was strong enough to cast even him in a better light." I only suggest the change because I think it is a truly elegant way of describing Lily and Snape's relationship, but it's a little unclear.
Anyway, looking forward to the next chapter!
xoxo wenderbenderAuthor's Response: Thank you for another thoughtful review. I like the change you made in that one line; it does make it clearer, and when I get a chance I will make that change.
Yes things are going down the drain for Sirius, but there is a plot reason to get Sirius at his lowest point. This was a very long chapter and I did show lots of POVs...which like you say can work, but also not work. Report Review
Kay, first things first :D
"Peter was frowning perhaps wishing he could be so cavalier about this sort of thing". It should probably have a comma inbetween frowning, perhaps.
"he could never get it lie flat". Should say get it to lie flat ;)
This is a good beginning, and I really liked it! But I think Snape would be a bit more snobbish and annoying.
Nice job! :D Feel free to rerequest!Author's Response: Thanks for the review and the corrections :)
I will probably re-request. Report Review
Again, excellent chapter. I think your portrayal of Dumbledore is particularly good--this is exactly the way I would expect him to handle the situation. I liked that he asked for input from Remus and the Heads of Houses...that seems completely realistic. Snape's interaction with Dumbledore is also interesting. Ooh, I forgot to mention in the last chapter that the part when Dumbledore says he "has faith" in Snape, and Snape is surprised and discomforted by the fact was BRILLIANT. Here again, you foreshadow Snape's eventual role as Dumbledore's agent perfectly.
Sirius is a really interesting character in your interpretation. It's almost as if you're suggesting that he has a tiny bit of darkness in him...you can almost see him getting tempted by Voldemort at this point, like he could go either way. I never really considered Sirius in that light before, but I'm growing to appreciate it more and more. The line between prankster and evil is more fluid than we like to think...I mean, there has to be just a little cruelty (or at least lack of sympathy) in someone to take pleasure in another person's humiliation. Too often fics ignore this, and I'm so happy to see that yours isn't one of those.
Grammar and everything was great too...basically, no negative comments at all! I've got to go, but I'm looking forward to reading the rest of the fic.
xoxo wenderbenderAuthor's Response: Dumbledore was a tricky one to write, at least for me, and I thought over carefully how he would handle something like this.
You definitely are on track with the way I characterized Sirius as having some darkness inside of him. I always felt his background hinted on that. I know a lot of authors show Sirius as a happy go lucky, never serious (excuse the pun!)...and while fun to read and write, I've always enjoyed stories that paint him a bit darker and that's the direction I chose to go.
Take your time reading...I know some of my chapters are on the longer side! Thanks so much for reviewing! Report Review
This was fantastic. You portrayed the whole situation so realistically, especially Sirius' thinking and the aftermath. The characterization was perfect. I even liked that you left out the actual action scene and focused on the events surrounding it. Anyway, sorry this isn't a long review--I don't have any criticisms or suggestions! On to the next chappie ^_^Author's Response: Thank you! I was debating about leaving the actual scene out. I figured it was going to be talked about when Dumbledore spoke with the boys and then I'd be repeating myself. I'm glad it worked! Report Review
Yo, wenderbender here from the forums with your requested review (finally!).
Well! I don't think you have anything to worry about when it comes to characterization or believability. You have a real talent for dialogue--every line seemed perfectly in character, even Keenan (who I already like, which is a saying something considering how little we know about him!) and Sirius' mum. It seems to me that you've thought about each character, even the minor ones, and put some real work into imagining a back story of each of them. In fact, I thought that the minor characters shone through in this first chapter even brighter than the main ones (with the exception of Sirius of course).
Now, for a bit of criticism--I don't really like the first part of this chapter. Dialogue is really your strong point, and the long narrative intro is just kinda boring. I would just get rid of it, and try to reveal some of the crucial info through dialogue, flashbacks and Sirius' internal commentary. For example, when Sirius first sees his mum, he could flash back to a scene over the summer, which would reveal his strained familial relationships. You could start with a short scene in which Sirius is not present, and all the other Marauders are worriedly discussing his change in behavior. You know, Peter brings it up, Remus sympathizes/psychoanalyzes, James gives his two cents as the one closest to Sirius...just for example. This would demonstrate their close friendship and reveal something about each Marauder's personality as a bonus. If you set it in the Gryffindor common room, you could also include a bit about the Marauder's popularity by showing other students' reactions to the three Marauders.
Other than that, awesome start! I'm looking forward to the next chapter.
xoxo wenderbenderAuthor's Response: thank you for reviewing, even if it took awhile :)
That's a really good point you make about changing the beginning of the story to portray more what I want to show than the way I did it. My first draft of the story had no introduction going straight to the scene with Keenan, but I felt I needed to establish certain things.
I'm glad you liked the minor characters and I did put a lot of thought into them all. I hope you enjoy the rest of the chapters. Report Review
yay! such a good update! poor Sirius; I feel so bad for him.Author's Response: Thanks again for reviewing! Report Review
Ooh I was on the edge of my seat reading this! Such a tense atmosphere, I'm starting to wonder if Sirius will find the strength to keep to his morals without his friends' support.
Really, really good. Thanks for the swift updates :-)Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing! :)
Next chapter is gonna be pretty tense too. I have majority of story written so that allows me to update frequently! Report Review
Hello there, LMW from the forums with your last requested review. Overall, I think you are fleshing this story out to be a very full and enriched story for the reader.
The format for me still just seems a bit off...mayb it's because it is in 3 person perspective or what, I'm not quite sure. I feel like there would have been more power to it if you picked diffferent chapters for each perspecitve to change into. I.e. one from Sirius, one from Snape's, one from James, one from Dumbledore, one from Remus, etc. but that's just my opinion.
You do the characters justice and overall, it is a good story.
LMWAuthor's Response: I see what you mean about writing chapters in different perspectives, but to do that would completely change the story and where I am trying to go with the story - since I plan to go beyond a little bit beyond the prank. Thank you one last time for taking the time to review and give your honest opinion. Report Review
Well you certainly managed to make this an intense chapter but I can't help but agree generally with all the points you were making in ths chapter. This is an inncident I believe was mentioned once or wtice in the books and I know that other writers have taken this whole idea and begun to play with it and how it affected the rest of the Maraduers and such.
I think that you are doing a good job keeping everyone in character; James' reaction seems to be plausible in my mind as well as Snape's. Snape does seem a bit eager to worm himself out of trouble; I think that he would be a bit more calculating so maybe somehow you could relay the difference in your writing.
Your chapter are extraordinarily long, I think, for the type of story you are pursuing; I think it'd be more effective as being split up or something like that. But that's just my major opinion.
I think that overall, I feel like I'm reading seperate one-shots more than actualy chapters simploy because each chapter seems like it could just stand on its own.
LMWAuthor's Response: Yea I know a lot of writers have written about this event; just figured I'd try. I always figured Snape would try to worm his way out of it, but it would be in character to write him more calculating. I've always written long chapters and I have heard that before that they are a bit too long...Thanks again for reviewing Report Review
Hi there, LMW from the forums with your requested review.
First off, I just wanted to say thank you for requesting a review. It is always my pleasure to be able to read more stories and be able to give my own opinion on different writing and on different stories that clearly take place.
Okay, so first off, I'm a bit confused by the whole chapter itself and how the flow works for this chapter. It seems like there should have been breaks in how segregated the different sections of the chapter. It seems to kind of crash into different spots and it was like I was reading a new whole spot of the story.
Sirius, for the most part, seems like he is in character--being with James, hating his family, getting all stirred up about his mother being there, offering Snape the opportunity to make a fool of himself, and he getting upset. I am also curious about the Professor and why the professor felt the need to pick out Sirius to try to help.
I'm curious to know how Regulus will fit into the entire story. I also think that overall you did a good job with this chapter other than flow. I would reccommend working on that.
LMWAuthor's Response: Thank you for your review. Regulus will be in the story later, though he won't be a huge part. Report Review
This is psychee from HPFF leaving you the review you have requested. :)
First, before I comment on the actual story, I would like to say that I love your summary - it draws attention and leaves the reader intrigued. Second, I am simply in love with the character Sirius Black, he is probably one of my favorite characters from all seven Harry Potter books and I'm glad that I had the chance to read this story.
This is a pretty promising story. I like the fact that it's not your normal Marauder ERA story, it's centered more on the Marauders as characters, on their friendship. It's like a breath of fresh air after having read so many romance stories (not that I don't like them). I like the way you portray Lily, together with her friendship with Severus. Maybe you could go more in depth with them as well, so the reader could see their friendship develop more with every chapter.
I can't comment on your characterization of these characters, since we don't actually know all that much about them, so the writer has the chance to develop them the way he or she wants. However, your dialogue is wonderful, it flows nicely and is realistic.
I look forward to seeing what happens next.
-psycheeAuthor's Response: Thank you for the review :)
I also love Sirius Black! He's def awesome! I'm glad you liked my summary; I always find that a bit difficult to write, so it is great to hear it draws the reader in.
Yea, I agree romance Marauder era stories are good, but I get tired for them sometimes. The thing I've always loved about the Marauders is their friendship, so I decided by writing about whomping willow tree I can focus the story on that.
There probably won't be too much more Lily and Snape, just because I already written the end of the story and it ends before there is time for much development in their friendship. I am thinking of writing at least another part from Snape's POV.
Thanks again :) Report Review
OMG. This story is so good, it's slightly unreal. Firstly, it's a really clever plot; fleshed out an original event from the books, but still made it your own. Love it! Secondly, I love your characters. Snape trying to pass off the blame in the second chapter, angry James, Lupin's reaction - they are all really well pitched and very believeable. Thirdly, this story is brilliantly written. It's engaging, grabbing and honestly feels like the work of a geuine author.
I also love your description. Not too much but just enough to really set the scene. You also manage to do Dumbledore well, a difficult task as he features so heavily in the books. I honestly don;t think I can find anything to critise. Oh, maybe one - you need to make your chapters shorter, I have honestly spent far to long reading this story and it's only three chapters long, No I'm joking, keep it coming. I want more!
Will definititely be reviewing the following chapters, 10/10 and added to favourites. :DAuthor's Response: Thanks for reviewing and your kind words! I always wanted to show my version of these cannon events though they have changed as Rowling has given us more info. I'm really glad you like my Dumbledore. He is really hard to write. Haha yea I tend to make my chapters on the longer side and I can see if you read them back to back it would take some time! Report Review
Can I just say, I love this! The best written story I have read in quite some time. It flows beautifully, spelling and grammar is nearly flawless and the speech is really interesting. It's also a really gripping story, and I absolutely cannot wait to hear what happens next.
Characterisation is really good, definitely no reason for concern in this chapter. I particulary liked Sirius' mother. She sounds particulary fearsome, and who knew Snape could be so sneaky? It really reflects his older self, I think. Oh and Voldemort trying to recruit Sirius - genius! I would never have thought of that, but of course he would try.
Oh, and I also really laughed about that bit about tutoring Peter. You seem to really have got the Marauders nailed.
Brilliant, brilliant opening chapter, cannot wait for more! 10/10.Author's Response: Thank you! I remember Rowling saying at some point that Voldemort tried to recruit James and Lily (i hope i didn't make that up), so I figured if he did that why not recruit Sirius before he's fully estranged from his family. I've def given the Marauders a lot of thought. I've been reading/writing Marauder fanfiction for sometime now! Report Review
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