Reading Reviews for Under the Veil
59 Reviews Found

Review #26, by LovelyMioneWeasley Back To Hogwarts

18th February 2011:
Hello there,

This was an interesting second chapter to read. I thought you did a pretty solid job of establishing good relations in this chapter.

The beginning was solid with the early morning start before heading to King's Station and all of its teasings between the siblings. I also liked that their mom tends to pick on Hiba more. I think that that is very believable especially with the Arab culture.

Her Baba is very sweet and endearing especially to read about in his concern for his children. Ali better not get more detentions; though, at 15, I doubt that it will not happen.

Your flow worked well for this story and I think you introduced Jill and Remus into the story before well. I loved that you had Remus giving the chocolate to her; it was very PoA but I did love it.

I also thought that Jill was a believable best friend for Hiba (Hibs) to have! I am glad that you made her seem very typical girl though. All the accusations and theories that she spewed out were fun to read about.

Overall, I thought you did a good job with this chapter. You got a little wordy in some areas but I didn't spot any typos in this chapter.


Author's Response: Again, thank you so much for this amazingly wonderful review! Very helpful again! :)
And I'm telling you now that watch out for my future requests, because I'll be stalking you for more!! :P
Thanks! :)

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Review #27, by LovelyMioneWeasley Arab Dilemmas

18th February 2011:
Hullo there, LMW from the forums with your requested reviews.

First off, I will be among the others to applaude you for taking some creative initative to start what appears to be an original story. I can't be sure that this is the only story with Arabic characters; it may be the only one with Arabic main characters though.

I think your flow works for majority of the chapter; at times, it seems to get caught up with lengthy sentences and declarative sentences. You tend to have variety but it comes in choppy blocks of either type. For future chapters, I would reccomend maybe trying to fuse the two types.

I also like that you do some Arabic and English for the sake of the readers so they can be able to understand what is going on. And its good that you point it out.

I think that Hiba and Ali seem like typical siblings even in spite of cultural differences. It helps to unifty the human experience which I think is a good thing to bring up especially with the magical world the way it is.
According to my Baba, I had is hair.-- his hair.

Just as I was aiming my book at her, the door flew open and there stood my brother, with a cheeky grin playing on his slips.-- his lips

Those were two typos that I idefnitifed. There were a few other instances of lack of a comma where there should be one and maybe some length-y sentences. Overall, the grammar was not bad and did not really detract from the story.

I think you have a good start on your hands.


Author's Response: Thank you so much! You're review was very helpful, and I'm glad you think that this story is original - as it was my intention to start up something fresh and new. :)

Again thank you so much for the review!

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Review #28, by Ravenclaw Chica Arab Dilemmas

17th February 2011:
Wow, this is the most original fanfiction I've ever had the pleasure of reading! I'm not even exaggerating. I was intrigued when I saw the banner--the picture of the girl wearing a hidjab. I'm Arabic, so I was really excited to see this! I'm not actually moslim, but I do recognize almost everything you've plugged in.

I'm super excited about this, I really truly am.

I actually live in America, and though the country has its flaws, I thank God that my family immigrated here from Syria. I don't know if I'd be able to live the way they do. I'm too much of a free spirit, ya know? Not to mention the fact that my family's christian.

ANYWAY. My point is, even though I'm not a moslim in the middle east, I *am* Arabic and I really like how you've incorporated the culture into your story. I think the best part about all of this is that you've correctly described and explained many facets of being Arabic. Aside from a few spelling and mechanical errors here and there, this is fantastic. It's fantastic anyway.

I'm babbling, aren't I?

You're amazing, and this story is amazing. Thank you so much for writing and sharing it!

Author's Response: Wow, thank you so much for your kind words, honestly! :) You're making me blush! haha

And I totally agree, the Arabic culture does have a big influence on religion, and I know for a fact that they are two different things.

And no you're not babbling!! Honestly I'm thrilled you liked this! You're amazing! :D I'm also happy that you're excited for this story, I have many, many ideas in store for it, that even I'm getting excited! xD

And thank you so much for taking the time to review, I hope I can hear from you again in the coming chapters! :)


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Review #29, by Ravenclaw Chica Back To Hogwarts

17th February 2011:
You forgot to translate Inshallah(God willing, if you aren't aware, though I'm sure you do know and just forgot to add the translation).

ohmigawd I'm nagging. ;_;

Author's Response: Oh dear, thank you for pointing that out! I'll be sure to put that up soon!
Thanks for the review again! :)

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Review #30, by soccerj18 Back To Hogwarts

11th February 2011:
Hey again love!

Same comments as last one, but I have one blaring concern. Wasn't the main character a Hufflepuff in the last chapter?

Author's Response: Oh no she wasn't a Hufflepuff in the last chapter, she was just going to replace a Hufflepuff Prefect. All will be explained in the next chapter. Thanks for the review again!

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Review #31, by soccerj18 Arab Dilemmas

11th February 2011:
Hello love!

Plot: I think that the plot is moving at a decent speed, not too fast, not too slow. Your style is really easy to follow, which is a good thing, and you do a good job of sentence variation.

Characterization: You really did a good job with Hiba and her family. I really liked how you didn't go too far into their back story, and gave the reader just enough to carry them through the chapter.

Grammar: MINOR grammar errors. Nothing that needs to be worried about. One thing I didn't particularly like, however, was the letter from Albus. I just can't imagine the headmaster writing something like that. I would think his letter would be more formal.

Hope that helped!

Author's Response: Thanks for the review and feedback, love! :)

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Review #32, by ZKhan95 Back To Hogwarts

10th February 2011:
lol I love how Lupin was carrying around a chocolate bar with him...that is just so Lupin! xD

Author's Response: Yep, it's a very Lupin-ish thing to do. haha :)

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Review #33, by ZKhan95 Arab Dilemmas

10th February 2011:
As a Muslim person myself, I must say I really like this a lot.
You pretty much got all the information right about Hijab which is cool

Author's Response: Well that's good to hear, and I'm happy you think I got all the info right. Thanks for the review!

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Review #34, by Living_Forever Arab Dilemmas

10th February 2011:
Hassan Mostafa is the quidditch ref from the quidditch cup final in GoF no? I thought it was a good link in :)

Author's Response: Yes, I'm glad you figured that out. :) Thanks for the review!

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Review #35, by fhfghgf Back To Hogwarts

21st December 2010:
could u please write more and write it faster! cause i'm loving it!

Author's Response: Don't worry, the next chapter will hopefully be up soon (I know I'm taking ages to update and I apologise for that, but I have my reasons). Thank you for the review! :)

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Review #36, by Aderyn Back To Hogwarts

4th December 2010:
not bad at all, i'd love to see what happens next!

Author's Response: Thank you! :)

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Review #37, by limie Back To Hogwarts

23rd October 2010:
this is quiet interesting. I can't wait for the next chapter. I wonder if Hiba ends up having a crush on him?

Author's Response: Thanks :) Next chapter will be up hopefully soon, and as for your question, you'll find out as the story goes, so my lips are sealed for now.
Thanks for the review!

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Review #38, by hp fan Back To Hogwarts

22nd October 2010:
omg!! you finally updated! i can't wait for the next chapter! :D

Author's Response: Yep :) Haha, thanks for the review!

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Review #39, by Hati Back To Hogwarts

22nd October 2010:
I really like this idea of the story with a different religion. I think its a good alley to explore. Does this mean that there are two ravenclaw girl prefects in seventh year (or did i read it wrong in the letter, i thought it said that a hufflepuff girl had resigned)? Anyway lovely story so far, keep it up.

Author's Response: Yeah it's something original I had in mind for a while. As for your question, yes there are now two Ravenclaw prefects from seventh year, Hiba and another girl in her year (you will find out why probably in the next chapter).
I'm glad you think so, thanks for the review! :)

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Review #40, by rose Back To Hogwarts

21st October 2010:
i love the plott & story keep up the amazing work

Author's Response: I'm glad you do :) Thanks for the review!

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Review #41, by 65ashben Back To Hogwarts

21st October 2010:
Aw. The chapter was fantastic. I can't wait for more!!

Author's Response: Thanks for the review! :)

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Review #42, by scarletsphinx Back To Hogwarts

21st October 2010:
I like this story :) the idea is very interesting and I'm excited for you to develop it more. Keep writing!

Author's Response: Thanks :) I'm glad you think so. Thanks for the review! And I'll keep writing, don't worry! ^^

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Review #43, by ikhjgvnb Arab Dilemmas

6th October 2010:
u not gonna write anymore? plz write the next chapter

Author's Response: Hey, it's just I have been VERY busy lately. But the next chapter has been posted up for validation, so have no worry! Thanks for reviewing!

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Review #44, by Shlesha Arab Dilemmas

25th July 2010:
This is really well done! :) This is just the introductory chapter, but the introductory chapter either makes or breaks the reader's interest, and this definitely isn't the latter. It's very interesting to say the least, and I think it's really well-written. Characterization is also very well done, Hiba's background and the way she lives makes her all the more believable.

I really liked this idea, it's original and the plot is getting somewhere, rather than nowhere. Keep up the great work! :)

Author's Response: Thanks for the feedback and review! :) :)

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Review #45, by Sam Baxter Arab Dilemmas

19th July 2010:
Hello! Here with your review request from the forums. :)

I have to say, the first thing that struck me about this was the concept of a Muslim at Hogwarts. I'm sure others have told you that already, but I think it's a wonderful idea to have students from other nationalities and backgrounds. It's a bit boring to think that Hogwarts is merely populated by the same kind of kids all the time, every year.

As far as plot goes, you've got a solid start. The amount of detail and background information is spread out enough to not be overwhelming to take in, and you leave enough unspoken to give a certain amount of curiosity and wanting to know more about Hiba and her family. The first person style here lends an informal air to what's going on, and the added humor put in here and there is a nice touch. It's always nice to see family dynamics working from the start.

Characterization is smooth and consistent throughout, and you're doing well at setting up distinct personalities for each of your characters. I particularly liked Hiba's interaction with her mother and Ali, especially the latter. Sibling rivalry and teasing is always fun to watch.

The pace is nice as well, with natural progression from point to point. Sticking with this smooth style should serve you well as you start working on new chapters.

My only slight issue was with Dumbledore's letter seeming a bit too informal for someone of his status, but I understand that he's a very hard character to write properly. This can be chalked up to personal interpretation of him and an amount of familiarity with Hiba as well - and it doesn't take anything away from the story, to me.

Hope this helps, and feel free to come back to me for future requests. ^^

Author's Response: Thank you so much for this review! :)

I agree about the bit on Dumbledore's letter - I will try and work on it. I'm glad you like the interaction between Hiba and Ali - they're two characters I most enjoyed writing in this chapter.

Thanks for the feedback, and I will surely come back for another request. :)

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Review #46, by Sap Arab Dilemmas

16th July 2010:
Okay, let's start.

First of all, when I started the request, I had no idea the stories were going to be this good. I happen to think yours is one of the most creative. I've never seen any mention of a Muslim in Hogwarts, much less a Muggle girl. Maybe it is because they are stereotyped as terrorists, making the writer doubt if they should write a story about a Muslim person in the first place. But you went there, and I am quite pleased. It was very enlightening.

Your style is uncanny. The voice is very casual and relateable; so far a light-hearted read. Considering your characters are from a different country (I know they live in England), it's cool that they act so modern. I really like how Hiba called her mother 'Mama' instead of 'my mother'. It threw me into the story easier, and although that may seem like an everyday detail, it ultimately made the story for me :)

I was wondering if you slipped 'God' as a translation for 'Allah' on purpose. If you didn't, you might want to consider changing it. Islam and Christianity are two different religions (but very related), and it might anger some people who are Muslim on here.

When Hiba noted that she was terrified that Ali was taller than her, I felt her pain. I used to beat up my bro all the time, but now...not so much. Thanks for adding that in there; it really brought out memories :)

Hmm...what else? Oh yes. You had a run-on sentence here, and I sense it is your style, but it makes it harder to read:

'I went to the bathroom first to wash my face and brush my teeth and then walked with haste back to my room to change my clothes.'

I had major cultural shock reading through this. I think the most epic moment was when Hiba said that she liked the hijab. I never knew what it was used for- I thought angry abusive husbands threw it on the women- but now that I know, it's interesting. She actually likes putting the scarf on because she feels protected. Grossly awful I am, and I feel bad for all those times I thought the scarf was ugly :(

It was really weird for her cousin to hit on her (that's what he was doing, wasn't he?). It's awful, but I think incestrous relationships are common over in the Middle East (but don't listen to me. I'm stereotypical). Remus better fight for his woman!

Okay, time for predictions. I predict, because of the new prefect duties...she will have to spend more time with Remus (eh?). They will start talking, and being Mr. Sensitive, he falls in love with her. I'm right, aren't I? You don't have to acknowledge my awesomeness :p

This was a really fun read and I look forward to the next chapter. I'm adding it to my favourites and might be stalking it for a while. You have been warned ;0

Author's Response: Thank you so much for this awesome review Sap! :)

Yeah that's one of the reasons to the point of this story. It's to clear up the stereotypes about Muslims being terrosists and what not. It's nice to read about others' culture. ^^
In regards to using "God" - it's just the English way of saying Allah..Allah is the Arabic way of saying God. But nevertheless, you have a point there. :)

Haha, I knew the point of Hijab would be quite of a shock to some people, but I guess this clears it, so you'd know why exactly it's worn for. ^^ And there's no reason to feel awful, it's not anyone's fault to think that especially if they din't know or haven't read about it. ^_^

Yes, cousin/cousin marriages do actually happen and is allowed is Islam - but they're not so common. So it's quite normal for them to be honest. But most are against it (you will see later in the story more about the cousin but I'm keeping my mouth closed for now ;). )

Ah, as for your predictions. Hmm, you have very nice predictions there, but I'm keeping my lips sealed. I won't spoil anything. :P

You have my outmost acceptance to stalk my story! ;) haha, I'm really glad you liked it and I'd love to hear from you again. :)

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Review #47, by Marauders001 Arab Dilemmas

15th July 2010:
I really liked this. Maybe because I'm a lebanese Muslim so I kind of understood her.
It was really well written. I love the way you've written her family up, they remind me of some people I know XP

Author's Response: haha I'm glad you did! And thank you so much for helping me with the summary! :) I'm happy you liked it so far. ^_^
Thanks so much dear!

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Review #48, by Pepper Finn Arab Dilemmas

11th July 2010:
Pacing: The story is moving at a decent speed. Not to slow that I lose interest, not to fast that I miss information and go "Wait, why did that happen? Who's that person? What's going on!!?"

The story seems to be pacing well from what I can see (the set up of ideas and characters) however it occasionally feels a bit forced when giving information. Examples:

They happily wed before they moved here to England. So if it wasnt obvious by now, we were born as British-Iraqi-Egyptian Muslims.

So, tell me, Hassan. Any one you have in mind for marriage? my father asked him midway through his boring stories, perhaps to change the topic, and what a nice topic it was (note the sarcasm).

This also irks me as a reader as I feel slightly patronised that I can't figure something out myself and I have to be spoon fed. (Just my opinion. Others might enjoy how quickly you deal with important but not major plot essential information and get back into the action)

Spelling and Grammar:

Spelling is overall quite good. What gets me is the occasional akward phrasing (which also affects the flow and how one percieves your story from being there, watching it unfold to having someone tell you about what they did last week.) Examples:

I headed my way towards the stairs before the main door in the front of the house opened and in came a tall, slightly bald wizard with a beard and long moustache, more specifically known as my father (Long and the first part of the sentance could say the same thing in a simpler way)

How many times do I have to tell you to knock the door?! (on my door? on the door?)

We liked to keep our culture remain vibrating in our house, anyway (have our culture remain and vibrate throughout our house?)

Typically, they met each other in the Academy and after the two graduated a few years passed before Baba proposed via Mamas father. (A bit long, maybe throw in a comma to break it up or do as two sentances)

And my doubtful look she added, Im serious! (At my doubtful look?)

Characterisation: I can really feel the "annoying younger siblingness" from Ali, the over protective and strict, perfectionist Mother, the laid back, flirty fun of Hanan and the girl turning into a woman / own person akwardness of Hiba.
I'm not sure if the father is supposed to be so blunt or if he was partially joking when he asked the cousin about choice of bride. He seems more calm and less strict than the mother but still holds to the traditions he was raised with.

As there is no other chapters I can't comment on how it fits or flows with the rest of it.

I like the concept of it, it is an original idea. Be mindful of the time it is set (late 70s) So research the music and big news of the era to feel what your characters would have gone through at the time.

A good start, I'm interested to see where this goes.

Love Pepper

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review! It was extremely helpful and I have fixed everything you mentioned (I also have a beta now so that's good!).
Thank you! :)

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Review #49, by hp fan Arab Dilemmas

5th July 2010:
omg! this story is fab seriously. so original! i'm guessing shes going to get herself into something seriously forbidden later in the story. by the way, does Hassan Mostafa happen to be that referee for the Quidditch world cup in the 4th harry potter? :)
please update soon!

Author's Response: Im glad you think so. Wow, it's great that you noticed this - yes, Hassan Mostafa is the referee mentioned in Globlet of Fire, and Hiba is his cousin. :)
Thanks for the review!

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Review #50, by Dawn Arab Dilemmas

5th July 2010:
It's great, really addictive!
And it has a unique storyline: a Muslim in Hogwarts, now that's original! :)

Author's Response: Hi Dawn!
I'm glad you think so. Yes, a Muslim in Hogwarts - something that no one has seen yet (but may have occurred in Rowling's mind, you never know).
Thanks for the review!

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