You forgot to translate Inshallah(God willing, if you aren't aware, though I'm sure you do know and just forgot to add the translation).
ohmigawd I'm nagging. ;_;Author's Response: Oh dear, thank you for pointing that out! I'll be sure to put that up soon!
Thanks for the review again! :) Report Review
Hey again love!
Same comments as last one, but I have one blaring concern. Wasn't the main character a Hufflepuff in the last chapter?Author's Response: Oh no she wasn't a Hufflepuff in the last chapter, she was just going to replace a Hufflepuff Prefect. All will be explained in the next chapter. Thanks for the review again! Report Review
Plot: I think that the plot is moving at a decent speed, not too fast, not too slow. Your style is really easy to follow, which is a good thing, and you do a good job of sentence variation.
Characterization: You really did a good job with Hiba and her family. I really liked how you didn't go too far into their back story, and gave the reader just enough to carry them through the chapter.
Grammar: MINOR grammar errors. Nothing that needs to be worried about. One thing I didn't particularly like, however, was the letter from Albus. I just can't imagine the headmaster writing something like that. I would think his letter would be more formal.
Hope that helped!Author's Response: Thanks for the review and feedback, love! :) Report Review
lol I love how Lupin was carrying around a chocolate bar with him...that is just so Lupin! xDAuthor's Response: Yep, it's a very Lupin-ish thing to do. haha :) Report Review
As a Muslim person myself, I must say I really like this a lot.
You pretty much got all the information right about Hijab which is coolAuthor's Response: Well that's good to hear, and I'm happy you think I got all the info right. Thanks for the review! Report Review
Hassan Mostafa is the quidditch ref from the quidditch cup final in GoF no? I thought it was a good link in :)Author's Response: Yes, I'm glad you figured that out. :) Thanks for the review! Report Review
could u please write more and write it faster! cause i'm loving it!Author's Response: Don't worry, the next chapter will hopefully be up soon (I know I'm taking ages to update and I apologise for that, but I have my reasons). Thank you for the review! :) Report Review
not bad at all, i'd love to see what happens next!Author's Response: Thank you! :) Report Review
this is quiet interesting. I can't wait for the next chapter. I wonder if Hiba ends up having a crush on him?Author's Response: Thanks :) Next chapter will be up hopefully soon, and as for your question, you'll find out as the story goes, so my lips are sealed for now.
Thanks for the review! Report Review
omg!! you finally updated! i can't wait for the next chapter! :DAuthor's Response: Yep :) Haha, thanks for the review! Report Review
I really like this idea of the story with a different religion. I think its a good alley to explore. Does this mean that there are two ravenclaw girl prefects in seventh year (or did i read it wrong in the letter, i thought it said that a hufflepuff girl had resigned)? Anyway lovely story so far, keep it up.
HatiAuthor's Response: Yeah it's something original I had in mind for a while. As for your question, yes there are now two Ravenclaw prefects from seventh year, Hiba and another girl in her year (you will find out why probably in the next chapter).
I'm glad you think so, thanks for the review! :) Report Review
i love the plott & story keep up the amazing workAuthor's Response: I'm glad you do :) Thanks for the review! Report Review
Aw. The chapter was fantastic. I can't wait for more!!Author's Response: Thanks for the review! :) Report Review
I like this story :) the idea is very interesting and I'm excited for you to develop it more. Keep writing!Author's Response: Thanks :) I'm glad you think so. Thanks for the review! And I'll keep writing, don't worry! ^^ Report Review
u not gonna write anymore? plz write the next chapterAuthor's Response: Hey, it's just I have been VERY busy lately. But the next chapter has been posted up for validation, so have no worry! Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
This is really well done! :) This is just the introductory chapter, but the introductory chapter either makes or breaks the reader's interest, and this definitely isn't the latter. It's very interesting to say the least, and I think it's really well-written. Characterization is also very well done, Hiba's background and the way she lives makes her all the more believable.
I really liked this idea, it's original and the plot is getting somewhere, rather than nowhere. Keep up the great work! :)Author's Response: Thanks for the feedback and review! :) :) Report Review
Hello! Here with your review request from the forums. :)
I have to say, the first thing that struck me about this was the concept of a Muslim at Hogwarts. I'm sure others have told you that already, but I think it's a wonderful idea to have students from other nationalities and backgrounds. It's a bit boring to think that Hogwarts is merely populated by the same kind of kids all the time, every year.
As far as plot goes, you've got a solid start. The amount of detail and background information is spread out enough to not be overwhelming to take in, and you leave enough unspoken to give a certain amount of curiosity and wanting to know more about Hiba and her family. The first person style here lends an informal air to what's going on, and the added humor put in here and there is a nice touch. It's always nice to see family dynamics working from the start.
Characterization is smooth and consistent throughout, and you're doing well at setting up distinct personalities for each of your characters. I particularly liked Hiba's interaction with her mother and Ali, especially the latter. Sibling rivalry and teasing is always fun to watch.
The pace is nice as well, with natural progression from point to point. Sticking with this smooth style should serve you well as you start working on new chapters.
My only slight issue was with Dumbledore's letter seeming a bit too informal for someone of his status, but I understand that he's a very hard character to write properly. This can be chalked up to personal interpretation of him and an amount of familiarity with Hiba as well - and it doesn't take anything away from the story, to me.
Hope this helps, and feel free to come back to me for future requests. ^^Author's Response: Thank you so much for this review! :)
I agree about the bit on Dumbledore's letter - I will try and work on it. I'm glad you like the interaction between Hiba and Ali - they're two characters I most enjoyed writing in this chapter.
Thanks for the feedback, and I will surely come back for another request. :) Report Review
Okay, let's start.
First of all, when I started the request, I had no idea the stories were going to be this good. I happen to think yours is one of the most creative. I've never seen any mention of a Muslim in Hogwarts, much less a Muggle girl. Maybe it is because they are stereotyped as terrorists, making the writer doubt if they should write a story about a Muslim person in the first place. But you went there, and I am quite pleased. It was very enlightening.
Your style is uncanny. The voice is very casual and relateable; so far a light-hearted read. Considering your characters are from a different country (I know they live in England), it's cool that they act so modern. I really like how Hiba called her mother 'Mama' instead of 'my mother'. It threw me into the story easier, and although that may seem like an everyday detail, it ultimately made the story for me :)
I was wondering if you slipped 'God' as a translation for 'Allah' on purpose. If you didn't, you might want to consider changing it. Islam and Christianity are two different religions (but very related), and it might anger some people who are Muslim on here.
When Hiba noted that she was terrified that Ali was taller than her, I felt her pain. I used to beat up my bro all the time, but now...not so much. Thanks for adding that in there; it really brought out memories :)
Hmm...what else? Oh yes. You had a run-on sentence here, and I sense it is your style, but it makes it harder to read:
'I went to the bathroom first to wash my face and brush my teeth and then walked with haste back to my room to change my clothes.'
I had major cultural shock reading through this. I think the most epic moment was when Hiba said that she liked the hijab. I never knew what it was used for- I thought angry abusive husbands threw it on the women- but now that I know, it's interesting. She actually likes putting the scarf on because she feels protected. Grossly awful I am, and I feel bad for all those times I thought the scarf was ugly :(
It was really weird for her cousin to hit on her (that's what he was doing, wasn't he?). It's awful, but I think incestrous relationships are common over in the Middle East (but don't listen to me. I'm stereotypical). Remus better fight for his woman!
Okay, time for predictions. I predict, because of the new prefect duties...she will have to spend more time with Remus (eh?). They will start talking, and being Mr. Sensitive, he falls in love with her. I'm right, aren't I? You don't have to acknowledge my awesomeness :p
This was a really fun read and I look forward to the next chapter. I'm adding it to my favourites and might be stalking it for a while. You have been warned ;0Author's Response: Thank you so much for this awesome review Sap! :)
Yeah that's one of the reasons to the point of this story. It's to clear up the stereotypes about Muslims being terrosists and what not. It's nice to read about others' culture. ^^
In regards to using "God" - it's just the English way of saying Allah..Allah is the Arabic way of saying God. But nevertheless, you have a point there. :)
Haha, I knew the point of Hijab would be quite of a shock to some people, but I guess this clears it, so you'd know why exactly it's worn for. ^^ And there's no reason to feel awful, it's not anyone's fault to think that especially if they din't know or haven't read about it. ^_^
Yes, cousin/cousin marriages do actually happen and is allowed is Islam - but they're not so common. So it's quite normal for them to be honest. But most are against it (you will see later in the story more about the cousin but I'm keeping my mouth closed for now ;). )
Ah, as for your predictions. Hmm, you have very nice predictions there, but I'm keeping my lips sealed. I won't spoil anything. :P
You have my outmost acceptance to stalk my story! ;) haha, I'm really glad you liked it and I'd love to hear from you again. :) Report Review
I really liked this. Maybe because I'm a lebanese Muslim so I kind of understood her.
It was really well written. I love the way you've written her family up, they remind me of some people I know XPAuthor's Response: haha I'm glad you did! And thank you so much for helping me with the summary! :) I'm happy you liked it so far. ^_^
Thanks so much dear! Report Review
Pacing: The story is moving at a decent speed. Not to slow that I lose interest, not to fast that I miss information and go "Wait, why did that happen? Who's that person? What's going on!!?"
The story seems to be pacing well from what I can see (the set up of ideas and characters) however it occasionally feels a bit forced when giving information. Examples:
They happily wed before they moved here to England. So if it wasn’t obvious by now, we were born as British-Iraqi-Egyptian Muslims.
“So, tell me, Hassan. Any one you have in mind for marriage?” my father asked him midway through his boring stories, perhaps to change the topic, and what a nice topic it was (note the sarcasm).
This also irks me as a reader as I feel slightly patronised that I can't figure something out myself and I have to be spoon fed. (Just my opinion. Others might enjoy how quickly you deal with important but not major plot essential information and get back into the action)
Spelling and Grammar:
Spelling is overall quite good. What gets me is the occasional akward phrasing (which also affects the flow and how one percieves your story from being there, watching it unfold to having someone tell you about what they did last week.) Examples:
I headed my way towards the stairs before the main door in the front of the house opened and in came a tall, slightly bald wizard with a beard and long moustache, more specifically known as my father (Long and the first part of the sentance could say the same thing in a simpler way)
How many times do I have to tell you to knock the door?!” (on my door? on the door?)
We liked to keep our culture remain vibrating in our house, anyway (have our culture remain and vibrate throughout our house?)
Typically, they met each other in the Academy and after the two graduated a few years passed before Baba proposed via Mama’s father. (A bit long, maybe throw in a comma to break it up or do as two sentances)
And my doubtful look she added, “I’m serious!” (At my doubtful look?)
Characterisation: I can really feel the "annoying younger siblingness" from Ali, the over protective and strict, perfectionist Mother, the laid back, flirty fun of Hanan and the girl turning into a woman / own person akwardness of Hiba.
I'm not sure if the father is supposed to be so blunt or if he was partially joking when he asked the cousin about choice of bride. He seems more calm and less strict than the mother but still holds to the traditions he was raised with.
As there is no other chapters I can't comment on how it fits or flows with the rest of it.
I like the concept of it, it is an original idea. Be mindful of the time it is set (late 70s) So research the music and big news of the era to feel what your characters would have gone through at the time.
A good start, I'm interested to see where this goes.
Love PepperAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for the review! It was extremely helpful and I have fixed everything you mentioned (I also have a beta now so that's good!).
Thank you! :) Report Review
omg! this story is fab seriously. so original! i'm guessing shes going to get herself into something seriously forbidden later in the story. by the way, does Hassan Mostafa happen to be that referee for the Quidditch world cup in the 4th harry potter? :)
please update soon!Author's Response: Im glad you think so. Wow, it's great that you noticed this - yes, Hassan Mostafa is the referee mentioned in Globlet of Fire, and Hiba is his cousin. :)
Thanks for the review! Report Review
It's great, really addictive!
And it has a unique storyline: a Muslim in Hogwarts, now that's original! :)Author's Response: Hi Dawn!
I'm glad you think so. Yes, a Muslim in Hogwarts - something that no one has seen yet (but may have occurred in Rowling's mind, you never know).
Thanks for the review! Report Review
So I have really enjoyed this fic, I love the fact that you're writing from a different point of view (I assume it's your own cultural background?) and can't wait to read whatever you add next ^_^Author's Response: Hi Charlia!
I'm glad you're enjoying this. And I'll hopefully update as soon as I can. Thanks for the review! Report Review
I like this - it's very original, and OCs from different cultural backgrounds are so rare on this site which is a shame. I enjoyed her family interactions, and the effort that you've put in to making it realistic (though I wonder if it's your own culture?)
Some little CCs - I thought Dumbledore's letter was a bit OOC (though he's an incredibly difficult character to write!) - I think he would have been a little more succinct and more formal. I did wonder why she would refuse the Prefect position though, and I'm not sure if you mentioned which House she was in?
Watch your tenses - you switch between past and present at times, so perhaps a beta would help? It's so hard to read over your own work objectively.
All in all, I really enjoyed it, particularly because it's so original! I hope you keep going :)Author's Response: Hi crumble!
I'm so glad you liked it. And I have to say yes, it is my culture and I decided to write on a story based on it - since there's nothing like it written yet.
Yes, when I was writing Dumbledore's letter I wasn't quite sure if it really was how he would write it. Dumbledore can be humorous at times..but I agree with you the letter should have been more formal - I will work on it.
As for which House she's in, that would be mentioned next chapter (but I could clarify it now that she's a Ravenclaw). Oh and she didn't refuse the Prefect position - she was just surprised at getting the position as well as being nervous about it. :)
Thanks for pointing out about those tenses switching (those have always been my greatest weakness lol) and I thankfully have a beta now so it will be edited soon.
Thank you so much for this informative review, and I will keep going (but maybe on a slower pace than I expected because I've been so busy lately). Report Review
please could you write some more, its so intrestingAuthor's Response: I'm glad you find it interesting. :)
Thanks for the review! Report Review
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