Tagging you from the Review the Person Above You thread in the common room.

For a first chapter, I thought this was really well done. You provide just enough information to draw the reader into the story, but you didn't beat me over the head with a huge amount of exposition. It took me a while to even figure out that Julianna was even having a baby, let alone that something was wrong with the child. But the was you started out the story, with the horrible storm and the dark, overbearing conditions, were so ominous and telling that you sucked me right in without having to reveal a thing.

The chapter leaves a lot of unanswered questions that I hope the rest of the story is going to explore. Who is Jeremy and why was Julianna's family so opposed to their relationship? Why would Julianna's parents have been happy to believe that their grandchild was stillborn? What terrible things does the Ministry do with squib children? And why did Julianna have to flee from her family?

The baby's name was very pretty, and Eleanor and Gary seem like they're going to be really good parents. I wonder what life will be like for little Evie, and how she'll eventually find out the truth.

Your writing is very nice. I didn't see any typos or spelling or grammar problems. You balanced narrative and dialog really well and I loved the way you were able to gradually paint a picture of Julianna's surroundings.

I have to agree with the competition you won. There's a huge amount of potential here. I'll be keeping an eye out for this story in the future!

Author's Response: Hi! Sorry I haven't replied to this until now, life is busy these days...

I'm so glad you liked it! This chapter recently underwent a 'revamp' of sorts, so it's great that you felt it was really ominous. There are indeed a lot of questions, some of which are explained soon and others which may take even into the sequel. I haven't decided yet!

I'm glad you liked my writing and the chapter, thank you for reviewing!

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Oh. My. Gosh.

How fantastic is this! I love it. You would've thought that Squibs would've made some respects as the years passed, but no it was the total opposite of that.

I was really confused for three quarters of the story, but when Gary said something like 'I will make sure she doesn't see magic' I realised the baby was a squib.

My favourite bit in the chapter was the suspense. Its so full of it! The whole thing has suspense is written all over it. I love the way that even though there is a lot of suspense in the chapter, you didn't go overboard with it. Just fantastic!

You officially ROCK.10/10

Green With Envy 2012,
CloakAuror9 xx

Author's Response: Hi! Sorry that I haven't replied until now, life is so busy sometimes! :)

I'm glad that you liked it! Building suspense was definitely the main aim of the game here so it's great that you think it's there! It is quite a confusing start to be honest, but all for a good cause ;)

Thanks for reviewing!

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I love this already. Another fabulous chapter! I can't really put it in words.

Author's Response: Again, thank you so much and thank you for reviewing! :D

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(From the Gryffie R&R Thread)

Oh my...this was incredible. I am going to be spending my whole break reading this. I am hooked and was immediately once I started reading. You use wonderful word choice, but not overly much. I love how you unfolded this chapter a little bit at a time. You gave just enough information to keep me interested, but it wasn't overwhelming. Wonderful, wonderful job! :)

Author's Response: Aww thank you so much!! I'm so glad you liked it! I tried to keep the chapter mysterious so it appears to have worked!

Thanks for reviewing :)

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oh my god.

Oh nooo :( I feel so... distraught! I want to hate Eden for betraying them but I just CAN'T because she's doing it to save her family. But there's a tracking device... You better not kill them off before Noah and Evie have kissed and made up or... or I dunno. I'll cry, and you don't want that.

Seriously good chapter. Sad times for Evie, with her real Dad being dead :( I felt so gutted for her, but maybe she'll be able to find more answers now she knows more about him.

UPDATE SOON.

Author's Response: Pssh. I shall do whatever I please. ;) updates are coming soon lovely!

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Oh, I think they are going to be right again. They are, aren't they?

On a side note, I hope Eden hurt for a while. (Does that make me a bad person?)

Happy 200th review!

Author's Response: AHH THANK YOU SO MUCH TY! This has made me unbelievably happy! Yay!

I think people are starting to like Eden less and less now! Haha, but you might find it's unjustified. ;)

Thank you! :D

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WHERE'S THE NEXT CHAPTER??? UPDATE NOW.

They need to kiss and make up. The tension is unbearable!! Stupid stubbornness and pride.

So, yeah. Update soon please. Thanks ♥

Author's Response: You must be my number one fan ;) I shall whack another chapter in the queue soon. And there's still a while to go before any making up happens!

Thanks love :D

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Oooh.

STUPID NOAH. STUPID EVIE. JUST KISS ALREADY. GRRR. Why do you do this :( I think he was being rather unfair to Evie, but he's in a tricky position so she was a bit unfair on him.

LOOOVING THIS.

Author's Response: They were both a little unfair on each other to be honest. Meanies. When will they learn! Soon hopefully. Says the person writing the story. o.0


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Nawww I love Noah!

Issy's such a cow. Please say you're going to kill her off? PLEASE?

Anyway, you still have me intrigued. I'm thinking that this wand thing isn't causing Evie's "unique"-ness. I'm not sure why, but I get the impression it comes from her rather than through the wand. But I really want to know what the wand-thing does and why she's got it. MYSTERY.

Love this and you ♥

Author's Response: Hi lovely!

Haha, I wish ;) she's still got a long run yet... but she may or may not be killed off... *SUSPENSE*

As in, her having possession of the wand causes it? In which case no, the 'magic' in her is innate and the wand is *spoilers!* ;)

Love you ♥

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Hey! This is apocalypse, here with your last review on your current request!

I really liked this chapter! It had humour and sadness in it which made it a very good read. The transition from the funny parts to the more serious parts was very smooth and I was glad to see that you managed to control the flow very well. I've noticed your writing over the chapters and I've felt that it flows very well. Accompanied with the well-written dialogue, the excellent descriptions and the smooth transitions between scenes, I think that you've been able to establish a good flow and in turn a good story. So keep it up! =)

As I've already said, I think your descriptions are great. You take care of attention to detail and do not fail to mention the small points of a scene. I was completely able to imagine all the scenes overall in the story. However, in the current chapter, I did feel that the description was lacking especially in describing the surroundings. You've done that in the previous chapters, but here you weren't able to create the same imagery that you had done previously.

You dialogue is amazing and I love Noah's and Evie's dynamic. It's fun to read and take off the tension of her worries and her loneliness. I wonder why they all decided to accompany her to the funeral. I did not understand why they all had to go seeing as two people could've hidden themselves better and would've had a better chance of concealing themselves. Though I do like the idea of them carrying firearms. It's quite interesting to see them use Muggle weapons against wizards; almost fitting.

The last few paragraphs where Evie tried to make herself cry and feel more than she already felt were exceptional. I could completely understand why she would feel so worried at not being able to cry and it was all described perfectly so good job! =D

Overall, it's a very interesting story and I've had fun reading it! Feel free to re-request again and I hope that you like the reviews I've left you at the moment =) Good luck and Happy writing! =D

Author's Response: Hi! I'm pleased you liked it :) and yes, I see what you mean about descriptions, they are something I can work on in this chapter!

It was more about testing the waters, as there is a lot of background story to Evie and Noah would have told Xavier what he noticed about Evie. It's more Xavier who wanted the whole group to go, to see if she was capable of anything. I hope that's explained it :)

Thank you for reviewing and taking this request, your reviews are excellent!

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Hey! Apocalypse here with another review!

I really like the idea of rebel Squibs; I think that it's fitting for them to run away and survive on their own, creating a new hiding place for themselves. Though, I did not understand their purpose for formation and why they were out on a raid. Also, I was curious as to how all the rest of them had survived and hidden themselves from the Ministry.

I really like the new characters you've introduced into the story. Issy's very interesting and it's pretty obvious that she's jealous and perhaps a bit threatened by Evie. I like Adam, Xavier and Robbie's characters and I think that Eden's the best of the lot. I can totally see her and Evie coming to good terms with each other. However, I did feel that Noah's character is bit dodgy; either you want it to appear that way or it's just happening, I feel like there's something he's hiding and his attitude changes pretty abruptly because of that. I hope you know what I mean =)

I like the whole concept of your story and I'm definitely interested in reading more! =) You've done a good job with the endings of your chapters; you leave them hanging mostly, which is quite intriguing and fun to read =) Keep it up!

Author's Response: It's good that you are so curious haha, because I now know that I've addressed most of the things you've pondered about! ;)

The characters in this are really fun to write with all of their different personalities; and yeah, I would definitely say that Noah is a bit shifty! It all works out though ;)

Thanks for reviewing!

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Hey! Back again for another review!

Wow, this was a pretty dialogue heavy chapter. I think that writing it all down the way you did and making Noah explain everything was a plus point for this chapter as it not let my interest lessen. I was completely engrossed in their conversation and was having fun reading their banter =) It's fun to see how you've begun their relationship! I'd love to see how you carry it on! =P

Finally some explanations about the Squibs and the Ministry. I had all those questions in my mind but I knew that you'd explain it soon so I had kept quiet. Now, I must say that you've done a pretty good job of explaining it all. You made Noah answer every single question I had in mind and did not even leave a loophole. His explanation was complete and I liked the way he said it all. I can't believe the Ministry would do something like this. It's barbaric but amaybe a bit understandable. However, I do think that you should have added some details as to why the Ministry had suddenly changed views especially in such modern times. It almost seems like they're going back in time with their views rather than moving ahead.

The overall idea is quite unique and innovative. I like how you've only used the Squibs to create such a good story. =) Also, I loved how included an electronic device for Apparating. It's fitting and shows how time has changed; I mean, it's 2092 after all =P

I really like Noah's and Evie's characters. They'r good characters on their own and even fun together. So good job with that! =)

Author's Response: Hi, and thank you! I really enjoyed writing the dialogue between these two because it seems so natural between them. :)

It definitely is barbaric! Sort of like a dystopian, post-apocolyptic view of the future. And the Ministry is explained more in later chapters :)

And thank you! I'm glad you liked the characters (my two favourites) and the Apparator! :)

Thanks for reviewing!

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Hey! This is apocalypse, here with another review for you!

After reading the entire chapter, I have to tell you that this chapter seemed a bit rushed. Sure, it's been seventeen years, but I still felt that you could have given Gary, Eleanor and Evie some more time together just to show your readers the relationship between them and to allow them to form a solid opinion of her character. The easiest way could have been to simply extend the birthday scene to include more minute details of their lives together just to build up for the upcoming sad scenes, you know? You could've used their happiness together to magnify the grief she felt foe the loss of her parents. I hope you know what I mean =)

I do think that your description of her feelings was written quite well, however, I think that it needed more detail. Again, her feelings were rushed too. I couldn't see her feel the sadness she should've felt; you did mention it all but it needed more description , you know? Your description should be such that it should allow your readers to imagine the story exactly the way you're writing it. =)

Even though the entrance of Hector confused me initially, I think that that was a good idea and written very well. It's made your story's plot move ahead and much more interesting. I like how you're maintaining the suspense of the entire piece and can surely say that you've done a good job to keep your readers interested =)

The last scene was excellent! I can imagine how she would've felt and I could see that you've done a good job in describing the entire scene. Her emotions and confusion was depicted very well, and she handled the situation very well. I think that you added a very intriguing factor here by making her fight the body bind curse she was under. It's making me wonder whether she actually is a true Squib or not.

You're doing a good job with the story so far! It's progressin well, though I'd recommend you to look over the rushed factor a little bit. =)

Author's Response: Hi!

I totally know what you mean. This has always been my hang-up with this chapter, even after editing it about a year later. What I might do is include a chapter in between this and the first, just showing a snapshot of a scene from each year as she grows up. So thank you for inspiring me! ;)

Thanks for reviewing!

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Hey! This is apocalypse, here with your review! I'm sorry it took me a few days, I've been a bit busy.

Well, this is quite an interesting beginning to a story! The part that got me most interested was the year: 2075 and I wondered how the wizarding world went back in time instead of advancing and having a better view of Squibs.

At first, I was totally confused as to what was happening but by the end of the chapter, I was able to figure out most of it; I suppose I should give your writing the whole credit =) It flows very and has a very good style. You've managed to create a lot of suspense and have managed to answer a few questions too.

I really like how you've characterised everyone, especially Julianna. Her motherly attitude and the way she went over to the Gary and Eleanor just to save her daughter and that too so soon, after her delivery was amazing. By this unselfish act of hers you were able to describe her motherly love very well, giving her character the respect it deserves.

I liked the way you've incorporated Edith as a supporting character in this chapter. Her presence was a constant comfort for Julianna and that was apparent from the dialogue. Plus, I really wish you could've included Jeremy more. He was there for her at the right time but by the end of the chapter, I did wonder how she decided to give their daughter over with out even asking him? If she was leaving the house, she could've met him and told him everything? If there was a reason for her to not ask him, then I think that you should've explained it here. I hope you know what I mean =)

Gary and Eleanor were just excellent. I could understand their desire for a child and could totally see them as good parents for Evie. I'm glad that Julie chose them to give her daughter to.

Your descriptions were excellent! I could totally imagine each and every scenario you'd written, it was playing inside my head. The flow and pace of the chapter was great, allowing me to get engrossed into the story completely. It's a very gripping idea and I haven't really seen many people attempting anything like this! However, I do think that you should've established a better connection or perhaps I should say, a more solid connection between your story and the world of HP. It's a great story but it just needs something slightly more to be fan-fic, you know? I hope you understand what I'm trying to say =)

A very interesting beginning to a very interesting story! I had fun reading and can't wait to see what you have in store in the next chapters! =) I hope you liked my review! =)

Author's Response: Hello, and thank you for taking the time to review my story!

I'm glad you liked it and my characterisation! This chapter has actually been revised recently to include more of this and more feeling, so I'm glad you liked it :)

And yes, I know what you mean about the Jeremy thing - perhaps a note for future revisions! :) and I think that the link between the story and HP gets stronger as the story goes on personally :)

Thank you for your review! :D

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I love how simple Harry's death is - I think it's pretty significant that he is ready for it, and that there's no extra tricks up his sleeve. He's only young once and he obviously can't live forever. ;)

You write action scenes so well, this was really gripping. And hey, I didn't mind the injuries all that much which is pretty good for me haha. But where has this light come from? I'm tempted to think that she has magic, or at least that all is not what it seems. I'm looking forward to the update, and the last few chapters! So excited to see you finish :D

LOVE xx

Author's Response: Well, he was a hundred and twelve ;) still, it was quite sad (and terrifying) to write. And yes, the magic. hehe. All shall be explained. Just maybe not in this story. Maybe the next. ;)

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First review, woot! I thought you handled everything in this chapter quite efficiently. You didn't focus on any one thing for too long, but instead captured the whole fight instead of only part of it, allowing us to see what was happening to all the Squibs as they fought the Aurors. I especially like the special treatment of Evie, with her immediately being tied up and bound to that tree, unable to do anything to help her friends.

If anything can create more tension, it's the main character seeing everything happen yet not being able to do anything to stop it from happening. You really showed how hopeless Evie was, though you also showed just how tough she could be when she needed to be. The way she continued to stand up to Emerson despite being under his control the whole time was just the beginning of the strength she's capable of. And I'm assuming she's the Metamorphosis of the chapter if the last paragraph gives anything away to the chapter title. Such a nice way of ending the chapter with Evie's body glowing white light. Can't wait to read the end of Malice, and the sequel after that. Great chapter, Jenny!

Author's Response: Hi Leslie! You have got to be one of my best reviewers ;)

I'm glad you liked it! It's actually quite hard to write a scene like this when there are so many characters to focus on whilst still keeping the main focus on Evie. So, I'm glad you liked it :)

Yes! Evie was rather hopeless there. I wanted to show that her 'powers' aren't predictable, and that they don't always work.

Thanks for reviewing, Leslie! *hugs*

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Wow that is just awful, losing both your parents in one night. This chapter is very good, I’m completely intrigued I want to know who the man is, who the aurors are working for and what’s going to happen to Evie now.

Author's Response: Thank you! I hope that you read on! :)

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oh geez, that last sentince made my heart break, that poor baby. growing up in a world that hates its kind. But I really like the story so far!

Author's Response: Thank you! :D

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What a horrid cliffhanger, you are wretched. You are the queen of cliffhangers, seriously. But I like that most about Malice because you keep me on the edge of my seat at the end of each chapter, wanting to read more. Your writing actually reminds me of Cassandra Clare's Mortal Instrument series and Infernal Devices series in a way, which are both highly addicting and keep you reading, and wanting more after you finish each book (which has a torturous cliffhanger at the end to leave you antagonizing what'll happen until the next book comes out).

Also, I must say, when I read the "screwdriver" part my mind immediately went to Doctor Who. Loved that reference, whether it was intended or not. It brought a smile to my face. Anyway, excellent writing so far and I can't wait to read the next chapter as soon as you finish and post it. Keep it up, Jenny! And hope you had a fabulous 18th birthday! (: 10/10

Author's Response: Thanks Leslie! Ooh, I should check out those series to compare haha!

Actually the Doctor Who reference was completely unintended! Haha, I didn't even realise it was there... perhaps a subconscious thing? ;)

Thanks Leslie!

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Whoa, now the story is really taking off by storm. I liked the whole further development discovered in this chapter, very well executed. Also, nice to see Harry's name being dragged into the plot. You know it's serious and important when he's dragged into the midst of the center of what's happening around the characters in any story. Great job so far.

Author's Response: I'm glad you liked it! This was an especially fun chapter to write. Thanks for reviewing Leslie!

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Gosh, you have me shaking scared of Hector more after the end of this chapter. Seriously, you can write a bad guy quite well, it's scary. You've really showed the, dare I say it, malice in Hector's actions.

And Eden, gosh, she I can see her resolve crumbling and the only thing keeping her going is the fact her family will be killed if she doesn't deliver. I feel really sorry for Eden after this chapter. You really played the sympathy card for her well here. Over all, great chapter. (:

Author's Response: Haha, thank you! Writing Hector is one of the funnest parts of the novel. He's definitely one of my favourite characters.

As for Eden, yes, she's in a bit of a pickle isn't she?! Bless her. Thank you for reviewing Leslie!

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Omg, I am so glad that there's an explanation as to why he was involved. He seemed so sad, bless him :( He had to hide away without anyone just because some idiots are evil. -grumbles-

I can definitely feel that you're building up towards the end of the novel, I can't wait to see how you wrap Malice up and where you take us in the next novel in the series. There is so much scope for awesome and I get the feeling the drama has only just begun. Great chapter, lovely!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Marina

Author's Response: Some idiots are evil? HAHAHHA I'D SAY THEY'RE A BIT WORSE THAN IDIOTS

Ironically, there are still around nine chapters to go. Is it bad that you can sense it now? Hmm. But yes you're right, the dramz is well on its way ;)

LOVE YA

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Wow...that's great! I like how you've already set up the story and everything. I was hooked before the first couple paragraphs had ended. I love the characters and just...everything! It's so amazing :D
~Lily

Author's Response: Yayyy thank you! I'm glad you liked it! :D Thanks for reviewing!

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Thanks for not making us wait too long for this! Now that I'm hooked, I tend to get impatient. :-)

Had to think about the egg thing for a minute. Disillusionment Charm? Tricky.

But, did Eden just out herself?!?

Hope the next update is as quick (hint, hint)!

Take care
~Ty

Author's Response: Thanks Ty! Sorry about the lack of updates for a bit, I had some trouble with the next chapter. It'll hopefully be up in the next fortnight :)

Thank you for reviewing!

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Ooh, noes, a cliffhanger! I really liked this chapter, though, the pace and atmosphere created flowed well together. You've got a terrific knack for writing Evie and the way her mind works. And I love how she discovered a little bit more about herself, even if she still doesn't know about her birth parents (namely birth father) like Hector and his team of goons know about her. You write suspense so well, and pace it magnificently. With each chapter I can see how your writing is improving and shaping itself into a solid style. Keep it up! (:

Author's Response: Leslie, I swear you're my best reviewer, haha. Writing how her mind works and trying to translate the emotions and stuff to the reader is something I find quite hard to do, so thank you :) I'm glad you liked it!

Thanks for reviewing!

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