Isn't brunch like an early lunch/ breakfast meal?? I love this chapter/story/ whatever else!! Please continue!! 10/10 for sure!!

Author's Response: Yep yep, was worried not everyone would know!
Thanks for the review! And I intend to begin work on next chapter asap!
Lily :)

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Brunch is where you eat breakfast and lunch at the want time like a late breakfast. And is Sirius just going to skirt around her bruises? Update!

10/10

Clea Smith

Author's Response: God,
thanks, will do asap
Lily

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brunch is a meal u have between breakfast and lunch. its not just an english thing im irish and i no about it.

Author's Response: Ok, good, I didn't know if it was just an English-ism or what :)

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we have brunch in australia!! finally you have updated!! not much happened in this chapter. 7/10 =] update please

Author's Response: Heyy, thanks for reviewing anyhoo :)
Lily x

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WELL FINALLY! and she really should get that looked at

Author's Response: Aha :)
thanks for reviewing
Lily

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OH MY GOD I WAS WRONG HER PATRONUS IS A PANTHER. still rawr. i wont make this long because i want to keep reading!

10/10

clea smith;)

Author's Response: Aha, sorry to disappoint!
Thanks for these reviews anyway, I really love reading your thoughts!
Lily :)

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i LOVE! well i love the story not that bellatrix is such a you know what. i hope tina tells her off! and i know what her patronus is. its a LION!

10/10

clea smith

P.S. RAWR :P

Author's Response: Thanks! And sorry... but wrong ;P

Lily :)

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wow bella way to be a but head. she totally ruined it! gah i hate her. i mean everyone does but i felt it needed to be clarified

10/10
clea smith

Author's Response: Aha, she is pretty evil!
Thanks for the 10/10 again
Lily :)

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oh brunch is a mix of BReakfast and lUNCH= BRUNCH!!!

Author's Response: Yepp, it is indeed :)

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dear god! i cant believe this! this is just plain WRONG! Bellatrix needs to be stopped!! im so glad she dies in the end. i just wished she could have died before she ruined so many lives.

10/10

clea smith

Author's Response: Hey,
She is very evil indeed (is it bad that I find it fun to write though? :/)
Thanks for reviewing
Lily :)

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its really good but you could be a little more eloquent with your words but im still in the beginning so i dont know how it will progress:)

9/10

clea smith

Author's Response: I wrote the first chapters quite along time ago now so I think if I edited them I could probably improve them quite a bit- it's just finding the time though :/
Thanks for reviewing!
Lily :)

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okay well bella obviously has issues. what an insufferable terrible person! at least sirius stopped it before it got to far. god, i cant believe she never fought back! hopefully that will change.

9/10

clea smith

Author's Response: Aha, yes I think Bella definitely does have issues!
Thanks for reviewing
Lily :)

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dear god, this poor girl. what is bellatrix doing to her? i usually dont read stuff like this but im kind of hooked. the first chapter is a little eclectic but its still very good.

9/10

clea smith

Author's Response: Hey,
thanks for reading and reviewing!
Glad you like it!

Lily :)

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good chapter! it was nice to get back into it, but bella's gonna be really happy, which isnt good. and yes, we do know what brunch is. =] update again soon, i cant wait for more amazingness!! =]

Author's Response: Heyy, thanks for reviewing! I will try to update soon, I PROMISE!!
Lily :)

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PLEASE ADD MORE ALREADY! I NEED IT

Author's Response: Aha, there's one new chapter up already :) And I'll try and get back into regularly added chappies from now on, promise! :)

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Hello there!~ I'm a new reader and I pretty much just want to say that your story is very nice! :]
There're just two mistakes and a few typos that I recognized, or may be it's just me! o.O

First is: "Mum and dad had to take Liza to the nursery."
_Wait... Who's Liza? I thought her sister's name was Mia? Correct me if I'm wrong.!!?

Second mistake is on Bellatrix's name. On the foreword her last-name was Black, which is logical because she wasn't married yet. However, I saw every now and then throughout the fic that her last-name is switched to Lestrange, which left me confused for a while... >w<

In any case, I absolutely adore your plot, so I'm not going to rate it according to just a few mistakes. 10/10! Good job! Update really soon and frequently, pretty plz?? :)

Author's Response: Heyyy :) Thanks for taking the time to review!

Ohhh you are right! I will correct that when I get round to editing this chapter! I have recently got a beta so she should help get rid of any other grammar/spelling mistakes :) I am also going to go through and change it all so it is Black not Lestrange.

Ohhh thanks! I love to see a 10/10 :) The next chapter is up for validation as I type!
Lily :)

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Well, I liked reading from some other peoples point of view! But I think that you should make them longer and a little more spread out, if that makes sense. Like having 2 or 3 people in a chapter.

Author's Response: Hmmm, thanks for the input, it was just a little tester chapter thought so I don't think I will, I might try doing more narrative from other peoples points of view though :)

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It was really obvious throughout the whole store that Remus and Emmeline were in to each other. I've liked the story, there are some typos. Sometimes the foreshadowing is a little overboard, but other than that I love it. I know your not JK, the style is completely different. But still good.

Author's Response: Aha, I will admit that subtlety is not my strong point :/
Thanks for the review :)

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I really mainly just enjoy the Sirius/Tina POVS, although it would be interesting if you did one from Bella's while she's messing with Tina. It'd be interesting to hear what is going through her head and why she chose her. I hope Sirius catches her at it soon she's a slimey git. Love love love your story :D

Author's Response: Ok, thanks, I may try Bella but she's quite hard since she's just a psycho :/
Thanksss for reviewing! :)

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Lol lily is so funny! Well, I'm gonna read the next chapter now...

PS luv ur story!

Author's Response: Haha :)
Thanks for reviewing! :)

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Hey there. I'm here with your review (I only do one chap at a time) from the boards :)

So, I gave it a shot although I really am not a fan of OC's. It's nothing personal. I'm just a huge fan of canon and can relate better to the characters that we've already come to know and love.

Overall, I think its a short and sweet introduction to your story. You do spend quite a long time describing the other characters. I think its OK, but I would wish for a little more description of your OC. More about her feelings, more about what she's been going through...it would certainly interest me and I think fill out the introduction a bit more.

You did a nice job with your descriptions. The paragraph where you describe Bellatrix was well done. Certainly brought across her creepiness.

If I have any CC, it would be in regards to some of your sentences that approach run-on status. Some of them weren't even entirely clear to me. Wasn't sure what you wanted to say. To point out a few:

"Well, except a few that is, but they don't tell anyone they know me or who I am, it would take to long to explain and besides, they don't want me being noticed, it would spoil their fun." (Very long, I think this would flow better if you split it into two.)

"The answer is this, it's worse is I don't." (Do you mean, it's worse if I don't?)

Remus is just the sweet heart of the school, though he's never dated and is as handsome as the other two he's lovely and kind and smart. (This sentence confused me a bit, I think a reword would be good here).

So, to summarize. I think its a good start. I think fixing up the flow on those sentences a bit and also developing your character more in this first chapter would really bring it out a lot.

Not really my kind of story, but I wish you all the best as you continue writing! Thanks for taking the time to request a review.

-schoenemaedchen

Author's Response: Hi! Sorry it's taken me sooo long to reply :/

Thanks, I think a few people have said that so I'll try to add some more stuff in about Tina and her feelings!

I'll go through and try to re-work those sometime (it's really helpful that you have pointed out specific sentences rather then just being vague).

Thanks, Lily :)

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Hi there. Im here iwth your review as promised. I have to apologise because I left it earlier but apparently couldnt upload it for some reason, that's why you probably thought Id skipped your story on the list. So sorry about that.

Now, on to teh story. This is a very sad begining you have here, of a really mistreated girl. The fact that she is in gryffindor but still so unable to fight back makes me wonder a little, but its jus the first chapters and anyway, from the treatmant she is getting, I wonder if its her persecutors - so to speak - that have driven her to that kind of behaviour. The first two chapters were hard to read because of the things you had going on in them. The scene where they bully her was especially difficult for me. I've alwasy had a hard time standing for those kind of things, they alwasy make me angry, even if its just fiction :)

But, even thought its early in the story (or perhaps exacly for that reason) you ought to make your OC a little more relatable, because she still feels so weird and passive. I dont know her yet, but I dont like her, because she is too unresponsive that it makes me think she has no inner strength at all. That makes it difficult to empathise or sympathise with her, she doesnt feel real. You could try fixing this by expanding on her past, on how she got to this point, or trying to give her a little anger and hate toward those that hurt her. Anger, that would make her much more human, since all those who are bullied tend to accumulate more than enought of that feeling. I am very curious to see how you develop her.

I found Sirius's characterisation to be schetchy in these chapter. You gave us a peek on him, but not enough to form a clear idea of what to expect. I somehow imagined his reaction to finding Bella bullying some kid would be more fierece then what it was (probably use it as an exuse to have a duel with her and hex her good), but then again, his reaction shows that he doesnt particularly care about bullying and if that's the way you're going for it than good job.

You focus a lot on inner thoughts of your characters and that helps move them along and makes it easier to relate to them, but dont underestime the power of description when it comes to certain situations. Just try to portray the sorroundings as well as the characters feelings, to create a little diversion.

Anyway, overall, this was an interesting begining and it makes me wonder how you are going to model your characters to find each other, because - and this was what interested me the most - the way they are, its really difficult for them to find something to like about one another. they'll have to change and develop through the story and the perspective of that is visible from the beginig. This makes this story very interesting and draws curiosity.

Well done so far and keep on with the great work!

Ps:Sorry about the typos, i make a lot of them and never manage to correct them all. ;P

Author's Response: Hello, that's ok :)

Yeahh, I know that I am addressing a very sensitive issue in this story so I try hard to handle it accordingly, I hope that is evident in my writing.

Thanks for that feedback, I will see what I can do with her. I think she is just a very timid person and it will take a while for the reader to get to know her, as it would for a person to get to know her in real life.

I've had quite a lot of feedback saying I don't delve deep enough into Sirius' character so I'm trying hard to change that in the chapters I'm currently writing, however I'm a bit worried about changing early chapters a lot so this will probably stay pretty much the same.

That's really good feedback and is really helpful, thank you!

Thanks so much for this review, I found it all really helpful and am going to use it to improve my writing in the future! Thanks!
Lily :)




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this is story is good so far, just one correction: the full moon rises when the sun sets, and sets when the sun rises, so it can't be seen in the day. otherwise, keep going :)

Author's Response: Heyy,
and normally that is true... but sometimes you can see the moon in the day. It sounds silly but it does happen :)
Thankkks!

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Hey,

So reviewing the next chapter as promised! I do feel for Tina! :( Bellatrix is scary! :P (and also happens to be my favourite deatheater...). I won't comment of the whole 'they're generally not in the same year, out of canon blah blah blah' because you've already mentioned it so there really is no need! :P

It's so sad how absolutely NO ONE really notices her, I guess that's just what makes her an easy target :( I look forward to finding more about her and The Marauders but for the moment I think I should probably go save the brownies from the oven! :P

Author's Response: Heyy,

Bella's secretly one of my favourite characters- she's soo fun to write. Ok, I wasn't sure if that would put people off but I haven't had many complaints about it so hopefully not :)

Thanks, glad you like it... save the brownies! ^_^

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Ok so I decided to review anyway although I can't promise to review all of the chapters I will do at a later point (if you want me to).

So onto the story! Well firstly I'd like to say that your descriptions are beautiful without dragging on too long. I would say that I would think that you perhaps described her as she was after Azkaban (I don't really imagine her like that to begin with) but I guess you could put that down to personal opinion!

So far I think that this looks to be an interesting story. You've laid out a good amount of suspend and I think that Tina will be a good character.

...right so because there wasn't really much to give a particularly insightful review I'll review the next chapter too!

Author's Response: Heyy, thanks :)
I'm glad you like descriptions. I think Bella was always kerazzy, personal opinion I guess :)
Thank youuu
Lily ^_^

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