50 Reviews Found

Review #26, by siriusly_strawberry Meeting a New Friend

5th July 2007:
poor her

FUN AND KISSES

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Review #27, by siriusly_strawberry Leaving

5th July 2007:
naughty

FUN AND KISSES

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Review #28, by mrs_potter_13 Leaving

4th July 2007:
I just thought you should know that you spelled some things wrong. just dumbledore's name and hedwigs. but the first time i tried spelling dumbledore's name i spelled it jsut like you did. but hey, we're only human. love the story!

Author's Response: yeah I know I need to go over them again and fix my mistakes, thanks for the review

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Review #29, by superbunnies414 The Power and Ministry

3rd July 2007:
hm
this makes me think that tawny is from the future and she is harry and hermiones kid and she has to make sure that they get together
because she looks like them and all
but im not so sure
but the story is good keep writing

Author's Response: thanks, you got it right but there's another reason why she there. Ur just going to have to keep reading to find out why Tawny's there

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Review #30, by candy_coded_goodness The Power and Ministry

3rd July 2007:
who was Tawny talking to and is that her full name?

Author's Response: you'll find out in later chapters who she was talking to and yes thats her full name

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Review #31, by superbunnies414 New Power

3rd July 2007:
hmmm is mrs. weasly a seer or maybe her mother was or something like that
good story but the errors are kinda distracting

Author's Response: its Mrs. Weasley's mother and thanks for the review

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Review #32, by coloco1000 The Power and Ministry

3rd July 2007:
I think that it is a good story it is very entertaining. I think that Tawny is Harry's and hermiones's child from the future and she is trying to bring them togheter.

Author's Response: you got part of it right, thanks for the review

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Review #33, by superbunnies414 Meeting a New Friend

3rd July 2007:
hm i dont trust this tawny girl
do you have a beta, if not you should at least read over what you wrote aloud to check for errors, you have a bunch
but other than that good story

Author's Response: I don't have a bata, how do you get one?

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Review #34, by superbunnies414 Leaving

3rd July 2007:
thats cool
17 rather than 18 being an adult, i wish XD
this story sounds good so far

Author's Response: Thanks

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Review #35, by Potter n Mione The Power and Ministry

3rd July 2007:
Excellent, Looney! Although there are some grammar issues, which means you might need a beta. Please read and review my latest chapters. Oh, and don't worry about a beta! It seems like almost everyone, including me, has one. Thanks.

Author's Response: thanks, think i need to get a beta tho lol

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Review #36, by thebfsgf The Power and Ministry

3rd July 2007:
OH! I liked it! Please update soon!

Rebecka M.

Author's Response: thanks

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Review #37, by harry potter The Power and Ministry

3rd July 2007:
umm u should watch your spelling :)

Author's Response: yeah I know I need to get a beta

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Review #38, by jasper21 New Power

7th June 2007:
Finally, you updated! You have to watch out for your spelling and grammar mistakes. Other than that, great job! 10/10!

Author's Response: thanks, do you know how to get a beta I think I need to get one

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Review #39, by Potter n Mione New Power

3rd June 2007:
Nice, although there are some grammatical errors, please check out my latest chapters. You haven't been reviewing lately

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Review #40, by AnotherHighSchoolDropout New Power

2nd June 2007:
I liked this story before you revised and edited it. It was more enjoyable for me. I read this part and was like 'What the hell?!' so I re-read the first to to find that you had changed them drastically. I'm sorry but I can't read this anymore. I do hope however that you get lots of other reader's that enjoy this. Good luck and goodbye.

Author's Response: im sorry a lot of people were getting confused by it so i just wanted to make it better for people to read. sorry

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Review #41, by candy_coded_goodness New Power

2nd June 2007:
is tawny from the future? this is really good keep it up

Author's Response: yeah she is, you'll be really surprised who it is later in the story. Thanks for the review!

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Review #42, by thebfsgf New Power

2nd June 2007:
Ooh! this is gettin better and better! update soon please!

Rebecka

Author's Response: Thanks

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Review #43, by BitterSweetFlames Leaving

1st June 2007:
First off, thanks for being my first reviewer for the 9th chapter of my story...
Anyway, the premise of your story is good... Can't wait for more... All you really need is a beta... Might I recommend perfect imagination? It's an affiliate of hpff. I'm a member of the panel and take it from me that everyone there is qualified to give you the best advice and help you need... :D

That's all.. off to read the next chapter...

Carla

Author's Response: thanks do you think you could help me out in getting a beta im really confused about how to get one

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Review #44, by jasper21 Meeting a New Friend

23rd May 2007:
this is a very good fic! I can't wait to see where it goes from here! 10/10! What do u think of mine so far?

Author's Response: thanks your story is really good one of my favorites

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Review #45, by circinusphoenix Meeting a New Friend

20th May 2007:
Hello. I came back to read more. Now, I will be frank with this review, because as I said before, I am trying to help. I started reading this chapter, but in all honesty, I could not get passed the half-way point.

Now don't get discouraged by that sentance. Don't forget, I want to help you out, and I want to try to give you advice that may improve your writing. So, with that in mind, here we go.

One thing that you still really, really need to work on is slowing things down. One of the reasons why I had to stop was because you just jump from action, to action. There's very little to no thought or description of things, and it gets very messy when you're trying to read, because the flow of the writing is all over the place.

What you need to do, as before, is to not rush things. I know, I know; you really want to introduce Tawny, but take it slow. That whole scene, with Harry coming to Grimmauld, it's just everywhere. Harry sees this, Hermione says this, Dumbledore just appears, suddenly there's this girl there, then we're in the girl's point of view, then Ginny's all of a sudden, then back to the girl's, then Harry's. See what I mean? It just goes everywhere, and it just becomes to hard to follow.

What you need to do, is again, move *slow*. When Harry gets to Grimmauld, have him describe how things are. Grimmauld would probably look like Grimmauld always does. For it to look so different, Harry would I think not wave it off. He would look at it in detail, and ask what they had done to the place, and why. This was Sirius' house, so for them to change it without Harry's knowing, it would be a big thing.

Then bring us into the kitchen. Yes, you tell us who's there, but tell us that the soup's being cooked, that Ron and Luna were sitting closely to each other, and that yes, they got together sometime in the next while.

With Ginny, oh my, with Ginny you have to give A LOT more story. It's like with Draco turning good, you can't just tell us Ginny's over Harry like that! I know you want the H/G thing to be gone easily, but that's TOO easy, and makes it terribly un-believable. Have Ginny maybe go and talk to Harry, and don't have her just say "I'm over you, I like another guy". No, have her ask how he's feeling, and have Harry ask, and have her say something like "I'm alright. I wish we could- but I know Harry, I know. Who knows, maybe Mr. Perfect will come by sometime soon?" (last part said jokingly). You know? If you want her to move on, fine, no problems, but it isn't as easy as her just saying it in one sentence.

Now, with Tawny, Harry wouldn’t just blindly accept this unknown girl in his house, even if Dumbledore let her know where it is. Harry would want to know about her, and ask Dumbledore why she's there, and why he told her the address without asking him. These are dark times, and one does not just accept people, especially into the Order's house.

With her introduction, do not, I repeat, DO NOT tell us she's Harry and Hermione's daughter! That ruins all the mystery! Having her flat out tell us that, it just takes away any fun for the reader, and it puts this story into another cliche, which about a sentence later, you add another one to (not just the child from the future cliche, but now the American student cliche). One thing about a character like this, you need to absolutely SOAK her in mystery! That brings so much life to a story, if you just tell us it all right away, it just makes the story bland and one-dimensional.

My advice . . . Give more reason for her being there (told by Dumbledore only to Harry), have her introduced to everyone, but stay in HARRY's point of view, maybe jumping into Ginny's. Do not go into Tawny's point of view. This is introducing one character to all the others, so you need to hear from the characters we already know, not the new one.

Mystery gets added here, when--not Harry or Hermione--but another character, like Ginny, notices how similar SOME things are to Harry, or Hermione. You have to make these similarities SMALL. Having glaringly obvious ones, like Hermione's bushy hair, or Harry's green eyes, are (again), cliches for future kids of H/Hr. Make Ginny question if there's a relation to Harry or Hermione IN HER HEAD, but don't have her say anything to Tawny.

Hugs - keep them out. Would you hug a stranger you just met? Probably not. Keep with handshakes, or waves.

And did I read that Ginny is a "sneer"? I think you mean "Seer", but when did that happen! Oh my, no, you have to explain A LOT more. And I mean, A LOT! You can't just make Ginny over Harry like that, make this Tawny girl tell us she's H/Hr's daughter from the future like that, and you can't make Ginny a Seer just like that! It's in the explaining that a story is built! If you just bolt us from that, to that, there is no real story.

That's where I stopped. After the back and forth, and multiple changes in point of view, and all these secrets just getting blurted out on the screen, I had to stop.

And please get a beta. There are a lot of odd sentences, and it gets hard to piece together what you're trying to say.

Again, this is advice. I am trying to help, I really am, because, well, I guess it's in my nature to help. But you need to take the story you have--because you do have a story--and just really, REALLY slow it down, and explain things. It's just like Draco in chapter 1, you can't just make him good like that, and you understood why. This is the same thing, you can't just "make" things or people like that, you need to explain.

I do hope this helps a little. Good luck, and you have my email now. If you would like more help, I'm willing to offer. And I am sorry for the mark.

3 / 10

Author's Response: thanks for your help its really helped me a lot. I hope you check my other chapters seeing if their any good

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Review #46, by circinusphoenix (offline) Leaving

19th May 2007:
Hello there,

I just came back to say, if you're still looking for a banner, I could make one for you if you'd like. Go ahead and check out my banners if you're wondering what they look like (I've gotten better than some of the first ones). All my stories have my own banners, as well as a few in my favourite stories section.

If you'd like one, either message me in the forums (if you're a member of the forums), or in your reply to this review, leave your email (or review one of my stories and leave your email), and we can work out what you want in the banner! To be honest, I actually already have something started. :)

Oh, and I saw you changed this first chapter. The flashback thing is good to show how Draco kinda changed sides. It's still a bit rough here and there, but it's better than before.

A beta-reader is still very much needed for you. There are a good number of spelling and grammatical errors. You can still get by reading it, but it makes it kinda choppy.

You changed Harry and Hermione's appearance as well, which was nice to see. You fell into a few cliches there, like Harry having a "Quidditch-toned body" (Quidditch doesn't tone anything. About the only thing that would get a work out would be his arm, reaching for the snitch), and that 'Mione thing.

But again, I think this version is better than your first, and your welcome for the advice. Just remember to take your time with things, and don't worry about taking some moments to tell us what's been happening. You want to be able to dip into little side stories here and there, to make the story more entertaining. You did well with telling us about Harry's anxiety about seeing Ron and Hermione, and also with why the Dursley's are there. There are loads of other things you could mention easily.

An example, from one of my own fics actually, was when Harry was packing his things up. As he went through putting them into his trunk, I told little stories of each thing. How each thing held some sort of memory for him, and how with each thing he came closer to realizing he was leaving forever. It would have been interesting to hear Harry and Hermione packing things up, and perhaps commenting on some things. You know, Hermione picking up his Firebolt and putting it in the trunk and her asking if he remembered the first time he used it--Harry being reminded of Sirius and how Hermione told McGonagall and he couldn't use it until the day of the Quidditch match. That could easily lead to Harry making a little joke about that all.

Just things like that, things that give a bit more depth to a part, and make it more a scene, rather than a passing moment. But overall, you're doing good! :)

8 / 10

(Again, just let me know about the banner. :))

Author's Response: that would be awesome if you made me a banner! I'm still working on a few things for the chapters. what do you think about the character Tawny?

here my e-mail liltawn_27@yahoo.com, thanks for the help, its really helping me out in a few parts of the story.


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Review #47, by Potter n Mione Meeting a New Friend

11th May 2007:
Nice, and do check out the 2nd chapter of True Son. I expect to see a review
from you.

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Review #48, by Casey Granger Meeting a New Friend

9th May 2007:
Where is the rest of the story, it is very good with the acception of some bad grammer.

Author's Response: Thanks I still have to go over and edit it again the third chapter should be up soon

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Review #49, by circinusphoenix Leaving

8th May 2007:
Hello there,

I saw your story on the lists, and thought I'd help you out in the review department. Sometimes for new authors, it can be a bit discouraging when reviews are lacking, so perhaps I can help out a little, in leaving you one, and hopefully some good advice to perhaps help with your story. :)

Well, firstly, your other reviewer was correct, it is a good idea to get a beta, so they can help you with grammar and spelling. There are a few mistakes here and there, and it would really help you out.

Now as to the story itself, you have to take things and really slow them down. The first paragraph should bring the reader in nicely to your story. Right now, your first paragraph just spouts out bits of information, and leaves us saying: Wha? Malfoy's his friend? Dumbledore isn't dead? And Ron all of a sudden said he just didn't like Hermione, just like that?

See, what makes a story good, is explaining those things. Don't just tell us "oh yeah, and Draco's Harry's friend now because he helped stop Snape, keeping Dumbledore alive". Tell us what happened, and how such a big turn of events took place. And you have to think of it from their perspective: if Draco helped Harry, then they wouldn't have known Dumbledore was going to die (since he didn't).

Here's an example. Say you're telling us about Draco, just in the beginning. Instead of just saying what you said, (what I put above), you could put this:

A surprise Harry the year before, was the change in Draco Malfoy. Annoying, whimpy, and just plain stupid Malfoy had done the unthinkable: he helped Harry. With Snape looking down Dumbledore with his wand, Draco tackled Snape, and saved the Headmaster from what would have amounted to most certain death. Harry found an almost sickening respect for Draco, and after that night, Draco too calmed down with Harry, and by the train ride back to London, the two could speak to each other without insults . . . well, without the really evil ones.

See? That's just an example, but you have to give a lot more detail to things. With Ron just suddenly saying he didn't like Hermione anymore, you have to explain that A LOT! He's liked Hermione for 6 books, he can't just turn around one day and say "oh, I don't like her anymore like that, but LUNA! WHOA, there's a hotty!". No, he can't do that! You have to explain it more! It's in the explaining that makes your story fun to read!

As to Harry and Hermione, again, slow things down! There's no rush, you're not in a race. Take your time, plan things out, and explain things in better detail. Don't just say "Harry suddenly liked Hermione, and that soon enough became full fledged love." Don't do that, 'cause it doesn't happen like that in real life. If Harry's liked Hermione since 3rd year as you say, that means there's 4 years of pent up love, that's a lot of explaining! Tell us how it started, how it developed and how it grew through the years, and how it is just consuming him now.

Oh, and about your descriptions of Harry and Hermione, my advice: keep them normal! Don't change Harry from the skinny, glasses-wearing, messy haired boy, and don't change Hermione from the bushy-haired, normal, rather reserved physically girl. When you take them, and give them all these muscles, flowing hair, weird hair-dos, and take away Harry's glasses, a lot of readers will stop reading. When you do that, you're taking away from the charaters, and just not making them at all believable. Harry would never get a mowhawk, ever! And Hermione would perhaps wear something that shows a little figure, but nothing close to hip-huggers, no. She's much too conservative for that.

Ah, there we go. Sorry if it sounds like I'm preaching, I'm not meaning to. I'm just trying to help, as I said. Those are my three suggestions that I really think you should consider: 1) a beta reader to help you with grammar and spelling, 2) taking the story, slowing it down, and explaining things a lot better so it flows easier and doesn't just shoot out random facts that we are left questioning, and 3) keeping Harry and Hermione (and all the characters for that matter) fairly close to their canon descriptions. When you make the characters unbelievable, even in how they look physically, it can make your whole story unbelievable (as in not believable).

But you do have a plot, and you handle the oddness between Harry and Hermione well. Just consider my points. :) I'll wait to hear your response before going to chapter 2.

6 / 10 (if you explain everything better, keep Harry and Hermione normal, and fix up the spelling and such, it would easily fetch an 8 or 9, especially for a first story).

Author's Response: Thanks i really like your idea i'll try to go back and edit the first chapter and the 2 chapter if you think it need more work. Just read the 2 and tell me what I should do with it. Thanks for the help

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Review #50, by Potter n Mione Leaving

5th May 2007:
It's not bad, but you do have a problem with spelling. I recommend typing
your story in a word processor, and then copying it over to HPFF. Oh,and please read and review my fic, The True Son.

Author's Response: Thanks I like your story can't wait to read more

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