Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:ohhhdear says:
Ok... I've read the whole story.
To preface my remarks; by day I write and edit training manuals for a major software firm.
1. This story has a lot going for it. Exciting plot, fairly good dialogue, true-to-canon characters, (though I detect quite a bit of X-Men salted here and there!).
2. You *desperately* need the assistance of an editor for these reasons.
a. You may have run each chapter through a spell checker but there are so many misspellings and grammatical errors it is difficult to read.

b. Some things happen and are not followed up on. For example; Harry's gift to the Weasley's of so much money! Why, then, would Ron need Harry to buy him a trunk? And why would Voldemort not know Harry had fought him in the Chamber of Secrets (during the H-V duel that Tonks watches)? That's who Tom Riddle is... especially since COS was before GOF and Voldemort was incorporal. Voldemort would know what was happening to himself as he attempted to regain a body through Ginny?

3. The ending... oh dear. It's blunt, abrupt, and leaves a sour taste in the mouth. After you and your readers investing so much time in this story, and expecting *some* kind of tied up ending, Harry just... heads off on a motorcycle he's never been taught to ride. Did you just get tired and bored writing this story and need to end it fast so you could go on to other things? You owe your readers better than this.

4. Please invest in a small book called "The Elements of Style" by Strunk & White and memorize it. It is to writers what "Hogwarts, A History" is to Hermione. A tiny treasure of facts and how-to's that will enable you to write much better.

Forgive me, please for dissecting your work. I know from personal experience it is difficult to hear criticism of something you've spent so much time and effort creating. Your story needs just a little polishing to shine!
Best regards,
M.

Author's Response: wow thanks for all the pointers! i would love to polish my story.. actually correct all the spelling mistakes, and write a better ending.. right now, but i have no time what so ever at the moment with all my school work and what not... that book sounds very interesting, i may have to look for that next time i am book shopping.. umm.. oh sorry about the ending i wa a bit tired of the story when i wrote that.. but i did want to leave a cliffhanger.. sorry if it was crap!
anyways thans for all the tips (and sorry if this review is hard to read and full of mistakes.. its past my bedtime, and i have a cold, which is making my head all stuffed up)
ta ta
Iced xo


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 223
Submit Report: