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Review:Lunastellacat says:
This chapter is better because it is written stronger. There are things here and there that I want to address. You should've dn't be worried about word count. I find that laughable when people say that because I actually count word count in books and have come to respect that as a guideline. I guess people worry about that because of formatting. Rowling writes chapters that are about 4000 words in length, did you know that? If a story is good enough, itís worth sitting down and escaping into the world. You have to build that foundation, even if itís fan fiction you have to build that.


So it takes more than five minutes to read in our world of instant gratification! So what? You as the writer want to grab me and want me to take that time. You took the time to draft it. Right? Am I right? Itís an interesting idea. You want you say through your words, ďHey, you, read this.Ē Hasane don't apologize. We all get 24 hours in a day and the control of what the hell to do with it. Just saying. Stepping off soapbox.

The introduction of the friendship is nice. When you mention something don't dwell on it and keep retracing your steps with unnecessary detail. You move on. You mention the introduction of Leiko twice. Do not do that. Dropping a name and covering something in a piece, especially an OC makes then two dimensional and rather flat. Breathe life into them. You can't just mention a name pr an adjective or two. Build it.

You broke the Statue of Secrecy and Iím not sure why. It wasn't mentionedÖI went back and looked. The piece is nice but the voice doesn't match that of a child to me. Itís not realistic dialogue. You have to think 11. The first HP book is written in a watered down childish perspective for this very reason. The books grow with Harry and he sees this world gradually. That's why I said read aloud. Does she really sound 11 to the ear? Her mind, her mannerisms, her perspective and the 11 year olds gone 30 around her. That was funny.

The second half was written at a better structured pace. When you pick up off the introduction its stronger with George and the books. Again, dropping a name does nothing. You want to build to sound that you aren't filling a circle into a square and forcing something into the HP world. Why is it important she's meeting George, your interpretation of him with meat on the bones and not Aratbella Figg or Verity or whoever? See? That's where determination of detail to move the plot is essential and can help you!

Just something to think about. Hope this helps.

Jenn

Author's Response: I feel it needs to be mentioned: Marissa is not eleven, she is eighteen. So, naturally, I would have written her with a more mature voice than an eleven year old.

Word count has always been a problem with me; I am never sure of whether I should write long chapters, or write short ones. But I get carried away sometimes.

I would assume that this chapter was written better, mostly because I have this outlined in more detail, not to mention that I was in a good place when writing this. Our emotional states affect us more than we think.


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