|Review:||spinx (from ears ago) says:|
It's hard to believe this story was really written by you, timeturner, for a number of reasons, none of them too pleasant, I'm afraid.
I consider you one of the best writers out there, it's no understatement, that your stories were in great deal responsible for my own writing career. They inspired me for as long as ten years now, and even now, I still come back, and reread all of them at least twice a year - so it really pains me to say, that this one, is among your weakest entries yet.
To start of with the one thing bothering me more than anything else - Sirius. I know you like him, most of us do, and certainly, I find him as inetersting to read as anyone else out there, and still, you portray of him remains the non plus ultra, the one all other authors, including JKR herself need to take notes of. You describe him liek no other, you make him come alive with an ease I could never understand, and was always jealous of - but my prolem isn't the way you described him, but the role he plays in this specific story. I don't know if you notice it yourself, but your stories involving Sirius usually tend to be ALL around him, which, since most of them have him as the main character, is something to expect ---but the degree of that focus is too much. Even when he is not around, all of the other characters conversations revolve around him, they think about him, the women all pine him and even the men admire his appearance. You make him the center of the universe, and it shows, whether you actually intented for that or not. Not only do you often portray him as being smarter, but you also write him in a way, that each of his faults become, somehow heroic, on the other hand, you have other characters admit their own weakness, in conversations it's always Sirius who leads, and even then, they reach a point, where they comment on Sirius superiorit, be that morally, intellectually. He MUST always be right, and even on the occasions he isn't, you twist the conversations so that Sirius comes out on top.
In this one, that was done to such a degree, it made the whole story hard to follow. It's almost as though none of the other characters have a life of their own, each of their affairs is somehow mixed with Sirius, they all come to him for advice, they all "fall" under his charm, and even when away from him, they somehow end up talking about his greatnes.
It's rather annoying, to be honest. And it truly doesn't make for a believeable story.
Dilaogues are good usually, but they jump too often, or characters think too far ahead, you assume your readers to be able to follow jumps, which, even though it works in your other stories, doesn't work here, because the story is already to complicated, and underexplained as it is.
The other thing that didn't make any sense to me, was Sirius relationship with Hermione. NOt only did it literally happen out of the blue, but (IMO) you also failed to properly portray the reactions of the characters upon Serious sudden return. You go from one scene where he appears, to another, where he siimply accepts this. He is neither shocked at Hermiones grown-up looks, or anyody elses for that matter. None of them reacted the way one would under such circumstances. Sirius nature to simply accept things as they come, didn't do this justice either. YOu didn't go all out on this one.
Also, your treatment of Draco couldn't have been morenonchalant if your tried to. He seems to serve as nothing else but a plot device, but even then, your unfair mistreatment of him does make me wonder. As soon as Sirius enters the picture, all the other characters forget about him, even Juliette, a child he had helped raise, and, whom you write, he shares a great love for. And yet, she almost instantly prefers Sirius to him, for no other reason, but some stories uncle Remus has been telling.
Suddenly everyone rolls their eyes at Draco, not only do Hermione and Juliette not defend him anylonger, they also laugh at him at his own expense and jsut so to take part in Siriozs "jokes".
I could go on and on, but in all honesty, there is so much to reconsider here, that I have to wonder, how you ever released this in this form.
(I truly must apologize again! This must have been one of the hardest things I have written in years, but this story truly had me confused for so many years. I was debating whether to just keep my mouth shut about it or.well, I don't know. Still, you must know that it's only THIS story I have trouble enjoying.)