|Review:||Penelope Inkwell says:|
Hey Kapa! Penny here!
--maybe it's the Slytherin in me, but I do not think I'd deal well with Louisa. I'm comforted by the sense that perhaps Scorpius feels the same way. But it's a fun bit of characterization!
I really liked that Scorpius first thought the room was a bit tacky (and I'm not throwing any shade at the Puffs when I say that). It just gives him a bit of that Malfoy-ness, so to speak. Scorpius seems like a sweet boy, and I'm glad, but I'm also really happy that you didn't just leave his roots behind. Basically, in like 2,000 words you've created a more well-rounded Scorpius than fics I've read with 10 times the word count.
like how the members of the House helped the house-elves hide wounded goblin refugees in the kitchens during the Goblin Rebellion of 1612
--is this a canon thing, or did you come up with it? Either way, I really like that detail!
BAHAHA, the Badger Song! Why are all the songs at Hogwarts so horrible?! I imagine that some headmaster in the past took the Dumbledore approach to hiring staff (i.e. Hagrid "Sure I'm not qualified as a teacher, I sometimes endanger students, and the sub is by every measure a better educator, but I'm a very nice guy!" I say that while loving Hagrid tremendously). So now I'm imagining some early Hogwarts chorus teacher, hired despite their complete lack of competence, forced to become the Hogwarts Head Lyricist, just because the Headmaster/Headmistress thought that it would be really fun to have ridiculous school lyrics forever
Good--and by good, well, you know what I mean ;) --job with the song, haha!
I really want to know who Scorpius thinks wrote this thing.
You know, I have my questions about all the laced cookies, but if you told me an hour of my sleep could count for 2, I think I'd eat pretty much anything you gave me.
CC: You write really well and cleanly, so I hope you don't mind that I had to get a bit nitpicky with the CC.
Now he and the other ‘little Puffies’ had instead been led by Louisa Boivin and another Prefect to a round, warm, and earthy, underground basement.
--There's something about all the commas at the end of this sentence that keeps it from flowing as well as it might. I say this knowing that I throw commas absolutely everywhere, personally. But I think it might be smoother if you took out the comma before "underground". I know it's technically an adjective describing the noun "basement", and I can't actually explain why, grammatically, but for some reason it looks like you could get away with losing it, and I think doing so might make the sentence flow better.
(Scorpius couldn’t see how anyone could get it wrong after Louisa’s agonisingly slow demonstrations, except perhaps by pure spite.)
-- "out of" pure spite might fit the sentence better than "by"
the bright yellow pillows of the bulky sofa he was quickly being led towards was round.
--"was" here ought to be "were" since it describes the pillows.
First: How many of you expected to end up in another House?”
--I think it would look better here if "How" were lowercase.
anecdotes about badgers (for example, that badgers would share their burrows with rabbits and foxes)
--technically, those are facts about badgers. It would only be an anecdote if someone told a story about an experience they had with a badger, or something like that.
So, as you can see, quite nitpicky. I just always try to do some CC, but you've got great grammar and mechanics skills, so I had to dig a little deeper.
This is a really cute fic, and I want to keep a lookout for more chapters in the future! It's nice and light and fun, and I could definitely use some more stories like that. Plus, you just write so well! I can definitely see why you won the Dobby for best new author last year! I think you certainly deserved it! Thanks for the swap. We should do it again some time; this was fun!
(P.S. I saw a reference to the Lizzie Bennet Diaries on your profile page! I loved those! Me and my friend ran into the actor that played Mr. Collins once at Disney world, which was kind of crazy and fun!)
Author's Response: Hey again, Penny!
Haha, yes, I had a lot of fun with Louisa. She's sort of the kind of person that Umbridge liked to pretend she was - and that comes with a certain level of, er... annoyingness. But it's easier to stand it when it comes with a good heart (as with Louisa) and not a hairy one (as with Umbridge). Louisa is actually sort of the super!Hufflepuff, to function as a foil for Scorpous more 'non-traditional' one. And you're right that he finds her a little hard to deal with... but who knows, maybe he'll come around to her later in the story? : P
As for the Hufflepuff common room... well, I definitely don't want to throw any shade on the 'Puffies' either, but Scorpius reaction to it is actually sorta based on my own, when I read the Pottermore Hufflepuff welcome for the first time. I mean, I love Hufflepuff (even though it's probably the house that'd fit me the least) but that decor...! I'm happy I don't have to live there, is all I'm saying (not that I think I'd like the Gryffindor common room all that much either - Ravenclaw or Slytherin is much more to my liking, and I was actually a Ravenclaw/Slytherin Hatstall on Pottermore...).
You write "Basically, in like 2,000 words you've created a more well-rounded Scorpius than fics I've read with 10 times the word count." and, ah! *blushes* That's one of the nicest thing anyone has ever said about a fic of mine! Putting 'Malfoy-ness' and Hufflepuff together is, of course, the living heart of this story, and I'm so happy you think it works so well. : D
The house-elves hiding goblins in the kitchen is completely made up by me, and ties in with another story that I hope to finish one day. I'm flattered that you thought it could have been canon, though. : )
Hehehe, the Badger Song. Yes, it is really... something. I had such a blast writing it (though I felt like I should apologise to Hufflepuff all the while)! I love your little tangent about Hogwarts employees, haha - though I changed the text a bit to make it clear who Scorpius thinks wrote the song. I wondered if that was too unclear, and apparently it was.
And as for the laced cookies, I'd probably trust any cookie that a Hufflepuff gave me (which might be much to my detriment, I realise, especially if they've read the Badger Song, haha!)...
Thanks again for the concrit! Nitpicky is always good, you know, feel free to pick every nit you find in my stories! I changed everything you pointed out (I'm always messing up my 'was'es and my 'were's, grumble grumble).
Thanks for this review, and I'm so flattered that you think I deserved my Dobby - it means a lot coming from someone who writes as well as you! I'm looking forward to our next swap! : )
(And that thing about the Mr Collins actor is so cool - not a big chance of something like that happening to me, here in Sweden...)