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Review:NPE says:
Hi there,

Back with another review.

I think the disparate, scattergun nature of the father's dialogue worked really well, and you conveyed his insecurity and emotional discomfort in an appropriately poignant way.

Though there wasn't much descriptive detail spared on him, aside from a few of his actions, you conveyed his fragility in a respect that I found rather authentic.

You also set up the premise well. The protagonist of the story is almost a tunnel for the reader to crawl through and observe the nature of her father's crumbling emotional state.

There is a lot here to admire for sure.

Some nice turns of phrase in the dialogue, which was otherwise at times a bit functional, but kept true to the story.

My main bit of CC would be a lack of descriptive colour in the prose. It could have done with some more visceral imaginings.

Furthermore, I would love to have understood the subjective more. You are writing about a really difficult subject matter and you do a very good job. In my opinion, it would have been better if I had some understanding of her specific thoughts, or at the intangibles of the emotional states of the characters.

Here would be a case in point, this but below needed a more specific viewpoint and could have dne with maybe a more poetic, distinctive description:

"When she was eight, she happened upon her father napping in the sun room. His brows were furrowed, and eyes shut so tightly it scrunched his face funnily. He groaned and twitched too.

Around the age of nine during the end of summer, she found her father curled in a ball in a corner of his room. Every year this occurred and each year, she pushed it to the back of her head until now. After all, next year, she'll be a student of Hogwarts. She fancied herself mature. That and a baby sibling was coming soon."

The foundations of interesting prose exist in that segment but I feel more could be done with it.

I did like this a lot though so please don't think this is me trying to be really harsh or anything...

All in all, really thought provoking work. Keep it up :)


Author's Response: Thank you again for such a great review! I was actually afraid I wouldn't be able to get the feelings across. So, I'm glad that you were able to understand it. I do wish I could write with more details, and that's something I'm still working on. - June

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