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Review:my_voice_rising says:
Hello there! Here with my review.

I came for the intriguing summary (is this a story with an identity switch?? I hope so!) and I stayed for the Ewan McGregor banner. I'll leave it at that.

There are a few grammar errors, and quite a bit of sentence-cleaning that needs to happen some attention! It looks like you already have a beta reader, so I'll point a few out just to help a bit :)

"In hopes of keeping some peace and prevent those involved from pointing fingers" should say "preventing."

Also, with "mistrust and prejudice against werewolves against him," you don't need to add the "against him" in there. Readers know that he's a werewolf so it's unnecessary. In fact, you don't even need both "mistrust" and "prejudice."

You also don't have to say "wonder about and question the wolf in the pack," as wondering about something and questioning it are the same thing.

"Don on" is also redundant; to "don" means to put something on :)

"All the same he lowered his wand swallowed and took a seat in one of the chairs Dumbledore had apparently conjured up for them to sit in." Chairs are for sitting, and the word "apparently" is unnecessary because you are already describing it, so it's apparent. "All the same he lowered his wand, swallowed, and took a seat in one of the chairs Dumbledore had conjured" does the trick just fine!

You have a very nice tone that fits the mood of the story--just clearing up the extra clutter will really benefit this chapter! I have the same problem in my writing, so when editing I make a point to remove unnecessary phrases and words. It makes such a big difference, really!

Your characterization of Dumbledore is nice--he's one of the harder people to write, too. The juxtaposition of the gravity of their meeting place (I'm picturing a very dark room--but some description would be nice too!) and the lemon square is a nice touch. I particularly like when it goes very dry in Remus's mouth.

Seeing James this way is also interesting. We've heard nothing but their brotherly love in fic, so seeing their tense meeting is intriguing to say the least. And, knowing Dumbledore, there was a reason behind forcing them to meet one another after they'd had such a bad interaction the last time. You could even expand upon that, especially if you shorten some sentences and free up some length to use in the chapter. Their exchange was so brief--instead of them describing the interaction, you could use Remus's memory. Visually showing us, instead of telling us, is always good!

Some more trimming to be done: "His tone was very solemn as he continued to speak" can just say "His tone was solemn."

"assured Dumbledore, his voice steady and unchanging" is redundant, as an assuring voice is constant and comforting--you don't need the second half of the sentence.

"said James interrupting drawing Remus attention," can simply be whittled down to "interrupted James." The fic is from Remus's POV, so the reader already knows that he is paying attention.

I like Remus's line, "Knowing about it and experiencing it are two very different things." No matter how much James went through to make Remus comfortable with his condition, he never had to experience it himself, and Remus was always an island in that sense. And his relief at experiencing friendly human contact after so long without it--how sad!

Your description of Dumbledore's spell is really nice! But, again--ack!--it's crowded with too much text. "As Remus stood there he blinked and his vision shifted. As he blinked things moved from one perspective to another that he began to grow unsure of which was right and which was wrong." This is basically the same sentence twice, and really the first sentence is perfectly strong enough to stand on its own.

Oh wow!

Was the sudden unveiling that he was actually becoming James intentional? I didn't even pick up on it--maybe I was just paying too much attention to sentence structure, but I thought the whole conversation between James and Remus and Dumbledore had to do with being an Oathkeeper and keeping their location secret. But this makes much more sense.

Yay, it is an identity switch after all!

Another thing you could mention is James's vision--he is without James's corrective glasses, I'm assuming, so things would be blurrier. That bit with his sense of smell not being as acute is really interesting.

And seeing how James *finally* understands what being a werewolf is like--that is a good passage, too. The only thing is the weird switch in POV from Remus to James in that paragraph. Is the story through Remus's eyes, or is the narrator omnipotent?

This is interesting. How is Lily going to react? I'd like to have seen Remus question this, too. Her husband won't actually be her husband anymore, and they'll obviously have to continue on as they did before. This could make for a very interesting plot point, too! I'm sure it would be very difficult for her.

Hope this was helpful. It's a great idea for a story, and just needs some tweaks here and there. Thanks for asking for a review!

Good luck!

Author's Response: Hi! Thank you so much for this review! Seriously this is probably one of my favorite reviews ever! My jaw dropped when I saw how long it was and how amazingly detailed! Honestly while you are pointing out the bad you are pointing it out in a good way and I love it. I will be taking a lot of what you have to say to heart. I don’t know when I’ll have the time to edit this first chapter but all the same knowing the weak points in my writing helps me to do a better job of writing! So again thank you!

Now that I have my generic thanks out or the way there are a few comments here and there that I want to remark back to you on. Your fist line about the intriguing summary I’m glad that actually is working and I do not blame you for staying for the Ewan. I don’t blame you at all. I’ve always had Ewan in my head for Remus since before POA was cast, and I really have not been able to depart from the image ever since.

As for the clutter and repetition, I feel like that is my Achilles heel. I have an editor for an OF that I’ve been working on and she points out the same to me all the time. To be honest in some ways I blame Nano for the bad habit of repetition to stretch sentences out. I’ve got to work on stamping that behavior out. Course it helps to have it pointed out so again, thankyou.

I will admit that added description is on my list of things I need to look into. I’m bad at getting a mental image myself and thus the lack of image on my part translates into my writing. It is on the forefront of my mine much like the repetition issue!

Show don’t tell. You are honestly hitting on everything that I am trying so hard to work on! I appreciate it though honestly I do. The more times it’s pointed out at me the better I can work on it. Seriously as I said before I’m in love with this review.

The reveal of the switch I was not meaning to be a surprise. I’ll look and be sure that it wasn’t me and how I wrote things, but yes and identity switch is what I was aiming for indeed. As for the vision, James was wearing his glasses at the time of the switch so yes Remus would be having to adjust to corrective lenses and the smell that I mentioned. If I didn’t mention it in this chapter then chapter 3 does mention the vision thing for Remus as he has to get used to the limiting edges of frames. (Something I notice every time I get new frames my eyes has to readjust to the new shape.)

The store is supposed to be mostly through the main character’s eyes. I’ll have to look into tweaking that because POV hopping is not a good thing. I can’t explain why I did something so silly there. >.<

As for Lily, if I didn’t mention her here, she is mentioned in the third chapter. She knew what James wanted to do but she didn’t know if Remus would agree to it or not. Still I’ll look into mentioning her a bit earlier in this chapter, when I get the time to review things fully. I feel like I hardly have time to write review responses at this moment . >.<

I have gushed lots and lots about this review so I’ll stop now with one last thank you for such a wonderful and stellar review!


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