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Review:Wolfman333 says:
You've got a great grasp for the world of HP and some good ideas for plot, but it's very clear you aren't writing in your native language. One way to get around that is to write in your native language, and find another HP fan that's fluent in both, and can better translate what your trying to say into the English equivalent - I'm sure there's an hp fan out there who would help if you looked for one. other than that I only have 2 critiques: personally I'd have wanted Harry to go back to school for his newts - the minister making an exemption isn't plausible, and it's forced you to awkwardly have Harry get days off work to go visit Ginny. Also, the death eaters seem stupider than they would be, you could build a convincing storyline about an old death eater trying to rebuild the group and Harry somehow gets dragged into it from hog warts.

An example of where a translator could be useful is your over use of "smiling broadly" - any time any character sees another one they get a big smile in nearly the same words as the last scene. Either cut the overused expressions or get someone to translate so you alternate your word choice and imagery. You can also edit down about 40% of your stories and make them leaner and quicker reads. Overall though, you've done well here and I look forward to continuing to read your story.

Author's Response: I really appreciate your opinion! I totally understand that it would be annoying to read something with language errors when it's written in YOUR native tongue. Perhaps this isn't the story for you then, but there are people who don't seem to mind so I think I will continue it the way it is. Also, if you do keep reading, I think the English improves further along in the story :) as for Harry not returning to Hogwarts, that's what JKR has told us - I'm a bit of a canon freak. There is some more organised Death Eater action going on but neither we nor Harry know about it yet... Thank you so much for your imput!

Again, thank you for your comments - I will definitely bear them in mind when I go back and edit! Xx


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