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Review:Dojh167 says:
Your opening was well written. You did a good job of capturing sensory details of the world concisely and in a way that was relevant to the character's emotional state, effectively launching the reader into the world of the story.

This is a really interesting ship. I had never thought of these two together, but you did a good job of building their personalities and emotional worlds in few words, and their attraction made a lot of sense.

Try playing with more interesting dialogue tags. You have a lot of "said" and "asked," which becomes repetitive and doesn't give us much additional information.

There were also a few instances when the frequency of similar pronouns made it difficult for me to tell who was speaking.

There is a definite poetic quality about your writing, and it is very enchanting to read. With this kind of style I think it is most effective to very carefully choose your words, as anything that feels irrelevant can pull the reader out.

Beautiful words: "long after Lysander had submitted to fatigue’s gentle caress"
"While doubt had danced in this bed"

I actually really enjoyed the choppiness of this story. The sections were so short that the reader barely has time to get comfortable in them before time and the characters' emotional states change. It created a feeling of instability that was very relevant to what the characters were going through

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