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Review:nott theodore says:
Val! Yay, you're back writing again and I'm now up-to-date with this story - hopefully this is enough to convince you that this chapter was great and that you should continue writing more of this story!

It was really horrible of Cormac not to turn up at the library when they'd organised to do it the day before - Eloise doesn't have to give up her time to help him improve his Herbology grade and it's so rude of him to leave her waiting there without any explanation of why he hasn't arrived. I wonder why he didn't arrive, though, and whether it was because he was nervous or forgot or just couldn't be bothered. He seemed keen on going and spending time with Eloise when they agreed to meet in the library yesterday!

It's a tiny thing, but I really like the way that you don't forget to include all of the work that they have in sixth year here, because we know that they felt snowed under with the increase in the workload. But you managed to write that in a way that kept it interesting, and I felt sorry for Eloise and how stressed she was with all the work she had to do. When you think of all the other things she had to do, it was even meaner of Cormac to leave her waiting.

I really like the friendship between Eloise and Susan here in this chapter, and the way that you write the dialogue between the two of them makes it seem like a very natural friendship, and the two are so believable. It's like your characters breathe, and could be real - in the books we barely get a mention of Eloise Midgeon and there's only a little more about Susan Bones, but here they seem like fully-rounded characters.

I really liked Susan's desire and drive for revenge, and her anger at the way things have happened in the Ministry and the lack of news in the Prophet after the change of Minister. It's an understandable reaction to her aunt's death, and we know that she was in the DA last year too, so that desire to fight and do the right thing was really convincing and believable. I love the idea of her reading Ministry papers illegally - Hufflepuffs are often portrayed as just nice people, and kind of boring, so I love the fact that you made them individuals here and that they're just as fun as other people.

Susan's comment on bravery was so true! I can imagine that Eloise would feel like she wasn't as brave as Susan with all of the things that Susan says, but also since she wasn't a part of the DA last year, but bravery really is standing up for your convictions. After all, Neville's in Gryffindor because he's so brave and loyal, but that comes out in very different ways to someone like Harry, for example.

I really liked the little mention of how good-looking Cormac is, and that being part of the reason that Eloise had agreed to tutor him. It's nice to see that even though she's not going to be easily won over (or as easily won over as Cormac would hope), she is still affected by his looks.

Getting called to the headmaster's office is never good news for someone like Eloise, and it's horrible to see that the war's now affected her own family very personally. I really liked the way that she reacted to the news when her father told her - it was so believable, and the fact that her father didn't tell her off for swearing said a lot, too.

Poor Vince! I don't know what his stance really is in this war, but I'm pretty sure that nobody in the WWN building actually deserved to be attacked in any way, and for him to lose his hearing completely in the attack, and at such a young age as well, is awful. I loved the way that Eloise treated it though, trying not to make a big deal of it but still visiting the library to see what she could do to help.

Then, just when I thought that things couldn't get any worse, Eloise returns to school and finds out that Hannah's left because her mum's been murdered. I feel so sorry for all three of the Hufflepuff girls because of that, since Susan thought she was being left alone and Eloise's brother's been attacked and Hannah's mum's been killed. It really goes to show how far-reaching this war is, and how indiscriminate the attacks are. Susan's realisation that she's just a child and can't do anything was kind of sad, but when you remember what she does as part of the DA in her seventh year, you realise what 'children' can do.

This was a great chapter, Val - I hope that you have inspiration to write some more of this story soon, I'm still really enjoying it!

Sian :)

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