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Review:kenpo says:
Hello! Here with one of your prize reviews! (Congrats, by the way!)

I really liked the opening, with the description of gold. Although I did make me wish I had first-hand experience with how gold sounds when you drop it and how it looks in different lights...

I don't know if it was intentional, but Al and James' different reactions to finding out that he'd lost his money was great to contrast their characters. We know that they're rich, so we can jump to the conclusion that a few Galleons doesn't actually make much of a difference, but Al still felt bad, while James was just cranky :)

My one big question is why is the entire Weasley family (or at least what seems like all of them) on holiday together? Is it just because, or for something special? I can't imagine how difficult it would be to get all their schedules lined up...

There were some spots where your grammar could use a look-over. One thing I noticed is that you need to make sure you're only using a comma in dialogue where there's a dialogue tag (like said, whispered, etc).
For example:
His Aunt Hermione frowned at Uncle Bill, "That's not very nice."

After Bill, it should be a period, because there's no dialogue tag (frown doesn't work as one, because frowning doesn't produce speech).

When Al was looking around at everything, it reminded me of Harry's first time in Diagon Alley!


Your description of the gypsy was really well-written, and I could see why Al is finding himself so intrigued by her.

Lastly, I loved loved loved the fortune-teller! It was a great way to lock in the reader to read the rest of the novel! (This is a novel WIP, right? I think it is... I don't remember...)

I really loved this as a first chapter! It would be even better if some of the grammar was polished up a little, though! I don't like to get really ultra nitpicky in reviews, but feel free to PM me if you'd like me to go into detail about it.

I look forward to the next chapter!


Author's Response: Hi! THANKS SO MUCH! I had tons of fun doing the challenge!

I wish I knew how gold sounded too. LOL & not to mention how it would be like to have enless amount of it to spend. But it's the subtle things in like in movies & cartoons (lol) that helped me with my description.

I want Al and James to be very different. I got the sense in 19 years later in the books that James was confident & assertive while Al was shy & hesitant.

Yes, so the whole family IS on a trip. I can't see them myself doing that every single summer. This summer happened to be special. Like I have a big family and there were times they all got together to do a family vacation especially if they planned it years ahead of time.

Thanks you for spotting out the grammar mistakes. It's one of the biggest things I struggle with. I would really need to read it over.

And camel are really bouncing to ride on LOL You should visit the Bronx Zoo in NY to get that experience. It's fun, but it is short0lived LOL

AND thanks for the description and fourtune-teller bit. I have others also praise that. =)

THIS REVIEW WAS SUPER HELPFUL! I can't thank you enough! Thanks x 1million =D

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