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Review:simplelullaby says:
Hey it's simplelullaby from the forums with your review! First of all, I love the title. I was curious going into it, but when Louise came about the "televisions" it clicked into place. It's nice to see an author putting thought into the title like that, brilliant!

Technical:

Literally couldn't find anything technically outstanding. Good job!

Characterisation:

Okay I loved your characters. I like that you chose to go into the perspective of a relatively minor (I think after she's been obvliated she's served her purpose and isn't coming back, right?) character to introduce your main character. And you don't skip over her either, you give her a nice wee background, a good reason for doing what she's doing and why she's leaving (to show her friends she can be mysterious and aloof, brilliant!). She seems, at the beginning at least, to be the character you're focusing on, and that's great.

Now you obviously sacrificed some Tristan time to allow this to happen, but I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing. We get that he like to smoke a LOT, and that he's sad that he can't see Louise again, but really that's it. It's good that you haven't rushed into developing your OC right away, it's a different and an interesting approach. One of the highlights of Tristan's character development here though is him not being able to understand that his mum is allowed to have a muggle but he isn't, forgetting that that muggle is his dad and not some guy his mum just brought home and introduced to magic right away. Pretty funny.

Tristan's parents sound like right interesting characters, especially his mum. I'd like to see more of them. Parents in fics are usually the characters I like the most (I really don't know why!), so maybe that's just a personal thing. I like that his mum just drugged his girlfriend and nobody batted an eye. And his dad babbling about technology and the MI6 was great too. Little details like that made this chapter a really good opener, sucked me right into it without hesitation.

One thing I think you could improve on would be the physical description of your characters. I know from your writing that Tristan is moody and doesn't really like the rules, but I don't know his hair colour or anything like that. That's maybe something to look out for when editing.

Plot:

It's certainly an interesting, and surprisingly humorous opening. I liked Louise's observations at the beginning, her POV was probably my favourite of the chapter. Her dilemma, the fact that she thought Tristan was more interested in his records than her, and then the really funny moment with the televisions, and the awkward conversation with the mother, it was all comedy gold. Though I suspect Tristan wouldn't be laughing with us.

It does flow well, there's nice blocks of text separated by bits of dialogue where necessary. You don't beat us over the head with one or the other, though by the time Tristan's mother discovers Louise I was getting a bit antsy, like "when's the action going to start!" Fortunately, it did, and you didn't disappoint.

If I could wish for something plot-wise, I would wish more at the end. It seems that once Louise is Obliviated then it kind of rushes towards the end. Maybe add a bit more to expel this feeling?

Setting:

Oooh I do love good setting description, and you do it well! Especially the part with the moving photographs, but in general just the way that you have Louise describing her surroundings, the modern crossed with medieval. Spectacular. People seem to sacrifice setting a little, but you haven't, yay!!!

Overall:

A good opening chapter, with different facets and everything needed on the checklist. It makes me want to click onto the next chapter, and I think that's always the end goal with fics isn't it? Make readers stick with ya til the end!

Your description is nice, there's just the right amount there to make it comfortable read but still provide a good image in the head. Though your characters still seem a little blurry to me.

It doesn't allude to what's going to happen in next chapters, though I don't think that's too much of a problem. It is what some people look for in an introduction though. You introduce Tristan through other characters, which is a nice approach. All in all, yes, a very good fic.

So there you have it! Hope you liked my review, I hope I was helpful! Feel free to rerequest if ya like!

Keep Writing

~Aimee~

Author's Response: Wow, thank your for taking the time to write such a thorough review!

Just a really crazy coincidence: you called Sophie "Louise"--there is actually another minor character called Louise later on! I chose both names because they were among the most common baby names in England in the mid-70s.

I'm really glad the muggle POV opening worked! I didn't want her to be super likable, but I didn't want her to be horrible either. Just immature. I worried that might lose people, so I'm SO happy you responded well to it!

And I'm glad that it was OK that I didn't introduce Tristan all the way at first. I know a lot of stories explain their OCs very thoroughly right off the bat, which orients readers. For this story, slowly letting Tristan emerge is pretty central--so I'm glad that didn't lose you!

I LOVED writing Tristan's parents. They definitely crop up a good amount :)

And THANK YOU for the note on lack of physical description--you are totally right. I think I relied too heavily on the chapter images when it came to that. By suggesting that, you actually gave me a pretty good idea for something to add.

And thank you for the point about rushing to the end--I think you're right. I'll definitely work on the conclusion.

I'm really happy you liked the description of the house! In the Potter books, you get wizarding homes and muggle homes--and I really wanted to examine what a mixed household would look like.

Thank you so much for this review, it's been very helpful indeed!

Best,
-Roisin


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