|Review:||Pretense Of Perfection says:|
Just stopping by to leave the last requested review.
This was another great chapter, and answered some questins while raising others. Using the third person POV writing this story was a great decision, and I love how you can follow different characters around without messing up the flow.
I think some of the time shifts get a bit...confusing maybe? The one that only has one or two sentences seems as if it could maybe be elaborated on a bit further, and personally I'd try limiting the time shifts to one or two, maybe three in each chapter, and break it up a bit more with details.
The beginning started out quite strong, it was nice to see all of the students interacting with one another and trying to figure things out. I like how they try to include Mary, even though she's sort of the outsider in the equation. If you're trying to remain strictly canon compliant, the Marauders possibly didn't know about the room of requirement, since it wasn't on the map, but the point is debatable and really a minor detail, unless you are trying to stick as closely as possible to canon.
I liked the graduation scene, it was very well written, but it felt perhaps a bit unnecessary? The other passages sort of represent the dynamic of the group, whereas that mainly just shows James and Lily, and perhaps could be incorporated into later chapters and fit better, like a flashback on their wedding or death day (if that makes sense), or a chapter that focuses more on just them.
I think you switched tenses a few times, which is nothing major that detracts from the overall quality of the story, but I thought I'd point it out. the overall plot flows together pretty well, but a few sentences could use some cleaning up structure wise. Again, it's readable and enjoyable, but a good beta could really do wonders to help with stuff like that (:
You did such a lovely job with characterization! I love how James and Lily act together, and can totally see James saying something about them going home and getting naughty, and Lily reacting exactly as she did. I like how Remus is portrayed, more quiet and thoughtful, which is canon compliant with what we know of him and his friendships. I think you did a good job with Marlene and Dorcas as well, and I would love to see more from Mary and Peter. You were definitely spot on with your characterization.
Again, I didn't notice anything that stuck out dialogue wise. I think it's pretty casual, which is how one would imagine friends, especially of a younger age, to speak to one another. It's simple and direct, which makes it easy to read and relate to, so I definitely think you can focus more on other areas.
There were a few typos and punctuation errors, but nothing huge.
You build the suspense and anticipation well, as I'm still dying to know who it is Marlene has feelings for (I'm guessing either Sirius or James), and how Mary is going to fit into their little group. Thanks for requesting, and I definitely hope you re-request me once you've posted more chapters, as this was quite an interesting read!!
Author's Response: Hello again!
I'm so glad I used third as well. I struggle with it, as I usually write in first, so I'll have to watch my tenses.
I have been considering cutting out that particular time shift. You're correct. It seems to break up the story. I think I'll just keep it to the one at the end, which is rather important.
I'll review the graduation section, and I might just end up making it a separate one-shot.
Yay! I'm so happy you liked my characterization. I feel like I have some trouble with that, but I'm working on it.
Mary and Peter will both appear more in the next chapter.
Oh, Marlene is going to be an interesting character. Same with Mary. I'm really excited to get into this! I'm happy you're intrigued.
Thanks again for your speedy review. I'll get my next chapter up ASAP!