|Review:||Pretense Of Perfection says:|
This is Fae (Pretense of Perfection), from the forums, stopping by for your requested review.
I think the way that you choose to start the beginning segment is very interesting, and something that I haven't see done very often. It lends an air of mystery and intrigue, as you wonder who some of their roles are and to whom, like Marlene's affair and who Dorcas is secret keeper for. My only suggestion here is to maybe try changing up the sentence structure, so not every sentence begins with their name, but perhaps start out with something about them, and lead into their name, just to break it up some, if that makes sense.
I like how you jump back in time to Dumbledore revealing his intentions for the Order to them. The passage itself is a bit hard to read, as there are no spaces between the paragraphs or dialogue, but I know formatting on the archives can be a bit tricky at times.
I think you did a pretty good job with the characterization so far, from the brief glimpse we've seen so far. My only suggestion here is for Dumbledore - perhaps it's just me, but for some reason, I've never really seen him as the type to abbreviate his words. To me, he seems to sort of like his own voice, and therefor sort of draws things out, but again, this could be a personal preference of mine.
I noticed that you wanted specific input on the dialogue, but I think you've done a pretty good job with it. It could use a bit of cleaning up, so to speak, but is quite readable and enjoyable regardless.
I think the reference to The Ravenclaw was a bit confusing in the beginning. I was left wondering which of the girls it was, as their houses are not canon, and could maybe be elaborated upon a bit further, perhaps in the beginning introductions? Just a thought, though.
I always recommend a beta reader to anyone that seems like they don't have one, as they can provide support and encouragement when you need it, not to mention invaluable insight. I also do beta reading if you need someone, feel free to PM me if you're interested.
Overall you did a lovely job for a first chapter. It was just long enough to be interesting, and just short enough to keep your readers hooked. Keep up the great work, and feel free to PM me if you want specific help/input on the dialogue.
Author's Response: Thanks so much for getting to this so fast! And I think you are right about Dumbledore-I'll edit out his contractions.
I'm having a bit of trouble finding the right amount of mystery and information considering the description of the character's without names. I'll work out those tweaks, too.
I think I'll request a beta reader on the forums or something, because I am really interested in making this story the best it can be.
Thanks so much for your review!