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Review:simplelullaby says:
Hey there, it's simplelullaby from the forums here with your review, finally! I've got to say I was a bit intimidated by the large word count, but it really didn't feel like 11000 words! Brill fic :)

Okay, on to your review now.

Technical:

I literally cannot find anything. You're technically perfect!

Characterisation:

Okay, your version of Teddy Lupin is now my guilty pleasure. I know that if I met him in real life I'd hate him, but getting into his head, you writing him as a "cold hearted b," all the while with him proving that he isn't that as much as he pretends to be. Amazing. He's intricate, annoying (especially in the first Dom/Teddy interaction with the beach ball), a real character. The impression I got from him was that he's given up showing his feelings, his nice side because its too much effort when he eventually gets let down. So he puts up this shield, and it's been up so long he doesn't know how to lower it again.

What gave me this impression was your characterisation of Fred the most. He's such a good guy, and its obvious from the way you write their dialogue and Teddy's asides that Teddy really wants to be like him, but feels like that is something he can never be. I like that while cold, heartless things are coming out of Teddy's mouth, he's thinking these really deep things. It's totally a reflection of people we all know and try to help.

Sometimes we're Teddy, sometimes we're Fred. :P

Dominique was also very unique. I love that you haven't taken the cookie-cutter next gen model and just twisted it a little bit. Victoire didn't get much light in this one-shot, but I gathered very much that she and Teddy DO not like each other. Your description of Dom's ocean-grey eyes, the way that she reacts to Teddy's VERY mean remarks about her, its all making her a very interesting character. One thing I would say was that in the first Dom/Teddy interaction with the beach ball, you mention Dom's blushes a LOT, so much that it seems like a little repetition.

Oh, and a little aside her, stripper-Audrey is now my fave version of Audrey.

Plot:

Well I haven't read, your other fic that joins with this one, but that means I can tell you with full confidence that this works well as a standalone piece! I particularly loved the beginning and the end, they were both really strong and I wouldn't change any of it. Teddy needed to be introduced in his little asides, memories, and muttering to himself. The end was literally haunting, for a moment I thought you were actually going to kill him. The description was chilling, his dialogue with Dom at the end (her innocently picking seashells and seeing him there was another example of your excellent attention to detail) was the best of the entire fic.

What I thought was a little fast was Teddy's "epiphany" about Dom. At the beginning he was noticing little things about her, and then at the end it was suddenly BOOM she's amazing. It was a very sudden swing in so few words, when at the beginning he saw her as cold hearted and an "ice queen." Maybe add some history other than that, little moments when she had caught his eye before to flesh out their relationship a little more? Still, even saying that, whatever you do don't change the ending! It was brilliant.

The weakest part of the plot, I thought, was the dinner and the conversation with Fred. The dinner seemed like you put it in just to have a reason for them all to be together on that day, nothing too significant happens which kind of interrupts the flaw. Similarly, the conversation with Fred kind of drags on a little. Though it is brilliant at the start, very necessary to see Teddy being human towards another human, towards the end of that section I started to get a little antsy.

Setting:

Your setting description is spectacular. I think that what made this fic so special is that I could see the space around your characters in my head - that is to say that they weren't two characters floating around in space. I could see the beach, the dinner, the fireworks, and at the end the moon glittering off the sea's surface. That's what made your fic so brilliant, your setting description. As a self-confessed setting fanatic, it was lovely to read a fic where you've paid attention to detail so much! Brilliant!

Overall:

Well, it is amazing. Your characters are well thought-out and real, Teddy and Dom (and Audrey) the highlights. Your setting is spectacular, and your plot for the most part flows effortlessly. A few wee tweaks here and there maybe, but nothing major.

I'll definitely be reading Transparent now :)

Feel free to re-request if you have another fic or one shot, if they are anything like this I'll love it

Keep Writing


~Aimee~

(9/10)

Author's Response: Hello!

Goodness, this review is so monstrously awesome that I don't know if I'll be able to do it justice!

I'm glad that you liked the contrast between Teddy and Fred. I meant to do that on purpose to show just how different the two boys were from one another and for some reason, this version of Teddy is a lot of people's favorite. I'm not sure how that happened but you guys are just fantastic! Anyway, Fred and Teddy are brothers and while Teddy isn't easy to be around, they have a bond that allows them to overlook a lot of their issues. I loved writing them together and its good to see Teddy softening up a bit here and there. Well, before I ruin his mood. >:D

Dom is about as different from what I've read (And I haven't read a lot) as I could possibly make her. I couldn't write her as being like her mother or sister, she just sort of started to grow on me little by little until she just sprang to life. Yes, I noticed she blushes a lot and I'll go clean that up. I only notice things like this until after they're in the queue. D':

I didn't like the dinner scene and I dragged a lot during Teddy's conversation with Fred to get back into the groove. I had no idea what I was doing by this point but by the time I got to Teddy actually, almost harming himself, I got back into the swing of things.

I'm glad that you liked that scene because it was not easy to write! I was really worried about how that would be received but you guys have been great!

Oh, Teddy's sudden epiphany about Dom was going to go on for a bit longer but I'd already bloated this chapter a bit too much so I never included those scenes. I might make a second chapter to this though so that I could clear that up!

I'm all about detail so I'm glad that you liked the setting and characters! :D

Thank you so much!

Much love,

Gabbie


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