You know that sense when at first glance, you feel you share something in common with that person sitting in the next table in that cafe you visit? Yeah, I thought I had that with you. :'D
When I read the same paragraph three times in a row from the story and chapter summary and the opener of this chapter I guessed that perhaps you were drawing a blank on what would fit and creativity is really evading your grasp at the moment. See? It's not a bad thing because then I would totally understand, having gone through that myself. But then I realised they were meant to be there and it was all done in purpose. I mean, there's nothing wrong with the paragraph, just...while interesting, three consecutive times can quickly take the impact away with its repetitive nature... @_@
So, perhaps it was because I was reading this really early in the morning, but the first impression Mr. Turner gave me with the opening lines was of a very grumpy cat. Your narrative style reminds me very much of a children's book's -- with the sentence structure consisting of simple, easy to understand words of a narrator who occasionally addresses the readers. You also use a lot of metaphors and descriptive imagery in your narrative. I certainly don't mean any of these points in a negative way, but just as an observation as it is unusual. I should tell you that it's working for your story though - this style. :)
The pace flowed together really well, transitioning to the next scene with simple ease. Almost halfway into the story, however, there was this huge paragraph. It seemed a bit overwhelming considering the sizes of the paragraphs that came before and after, so I would suggest breaking it up into smaller paragraphs, maybe...
I forged on and was glad to find out it was tied to canon, since I initially assumed it was an AU-story. On I went through smooth plot progressions until I finally reached the end of the story. I'm guessing this was your intention but you must understand that by the end of it, I was thoroughly confused. "This is it?" my mind asked again and again. It had a very abrupt ending. Very realistic, very in-character - the tale of the character that could never be told turned into a moral story. Props for that.
For what I perceived to be a children's story, that was really morbid. And I ended up laughing about the whole situation. The way you phrased that last paragraph though. I didn't quite know what to think for the poor children this was written to. :')
I did notice a few discrepancies here and there with spelling and grammar - nothing a quick editing session won't fix. To point out a few, this phrase for example --
"...many would think it would (led) to a grand office" -- the verb was placed in the past tense despite the preceding requiring a future one. You could use 'lead' instead. :)
"...a wall bookshelf which housed neatly tucked away books in (extranditoary) condition. It was in such (extranditoary) condition that..." -- I don't think that word 'extranditoary' exists, but I might just be missing something. x-x
"...middle of the room of (brick read and gray stone)." -- I wasn't quite sure what you were trying to say here, but if I were to garner a guess, then maybe 'of red brick and grey stone'?
"...he worked the nerve to finally (unreveal) its secret." -- Technically, unreveal isn't a word. 'reveal' would seem like a fitting word for this, or maybe 'unravel' is what you were thinking of. ;) And of course,
"...replied Mr. Turner with (is) heart picking up pace."
Personally, I found this part: "Now, his blood was really boiling...Someone had slightly moved the framed picture a millimeter to the left." my favourite and the most vivid. This subtle hint at his temper and general OCD-ness made me giggle. I'm sure you're going to do great. I hope you keep on writing, yeah?
( - House Cup 2014 Review -
Author's Response: HIYA!
Yes, I reused the summary because I am awful with coming up with summaries (lol) & I didn't want to give anything else away. I tend to do that with my one-shots only though. But I completely understand what you're saying, it does lose its emphasize when reading it over & over & over.
Mr. Turner, ah, I think comparison to a cat is probably correct LOL And I wanted to steer away from the typical third POV one-shot that I typically do so I wanted to address the audience to add some creativity. BUT I am glad you think it worked.
I am glad to hear the pace & flow also worked. Yes, at the end, it was quick. I didn't want to use excessive & unnecessary diagonal b/t the two b/c I am sure bad guys aren't going to spare anyone with is usless and replaceable. I'm sorry, Mr. Turner, but it's the truth. LOL
To be honest, I am glad you laughed. I didn't want it to be so dark or dreadful. =)
AND THANK YOOOU A TOOON! for pointing out those mistakes. I intend to edit them. Thanks again so much!