Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:Hats For House Elves says:
Hats for House Elves here with the review you requested AGES ago, sorry it took so long.

The triangle between the Potter brothers is a great core to a story, but don't rush it. There is a metric tonne of stuff going on. Give time to all those questions you need to answer in the first couple of chapters. Like where they are, what they're doing, what time of year it is, what year they are in. Show us don't tell us, you do this quite well in dialogue but if you can do it in your description as well that'd be even better.

Remember that while you are writing fanfiction and therefore you can leave some areas to the reader's assumption and imagination, your story still has to stand on it's own two feet. You can get away with not explaining that there are wizards and witches in Britain and that they go to school in a castle etc. But you need to fully immerse the reader into the world like they're one of those wind-up toys. Take a moment in your first couple of chapters to wind up then let them run. Not sure if that makes any sense.

Moving on.

You have a massive spoiler in your author's Note. You say that it's obvious but nowhere in the story summary or anywhere else do you suggest that this story will be a pregnancy plot.

'People will hate you when you come between family especially brothers and that's exactly what quiet, nobody Aries Evensong did, unintentionally of course.
*Fic title inspired by "I'm Sorry, But I'm Beginning to Hate Your Face" by Eagle Seagull'

Doesn't mention pregnancy.

Moving on to Characterisation and flow. It all kind of tie in with description and this is where I begin to ramble. This I'm sorry to say is where the story stumbles a bit. I am left with so many questions that are caused by contradictions.

You have a shy girl with a massive crush who by the end of the chapter has slept with the guy. I don't know about you but if it were me, I would have freaked out somewhere between him handing me a drink and being in the corridor alone with him. It never would have got to kissing. If she's so shy how come she got a month of detentions for a major prank?

Who is your main character? Don't just give us name and appearance then a sentence that sums her personality. Show us how she speaks how she's feeling you suggest Gryffindor had just won a quidditch game, How does our main character feel about quidditch, How much does she invest in the fortunes of the team. That can give you an opportunity to slip in a bit about family and upbringing.

"She is cute, he thought. But she doesn't look like the type for a one-night stand. She looks like she a hopeless romantic. Merlin, I hate those. I'll have sex with her and she'll think I'm some sort of prince charming."

There are two things that I find oh so wrong about this sentence. Feel free to disagree it's your story but First. The rest of the chapter is written from Aeris' perspective and suddenly you've popped into James head just so that you can tell us exactly what he's thinking. We don't need to know what James is thinking, we need to know what Aeris is feeling and what James is doing so we can make a judgement about his character and his motives for ourselves.

Secondly and most importantly I cannot believe for one second that anyone brought up by Harry and Ginny, with major influences from the extended Weasley family would have this kind of attitude towards relationships. Particularly at the age of 17.

Until you show me otherwise I go into this story with my idea of what the Potter children are.

He basically gets a girl drunk to sleep with her. He's not written as drunk so he's taking advantage of her, manipulating her and putting her in a situation everything you've told us so far, would suggest that she doesn't really want to be in. There is a difference between a crush and acting on attraction. Now if you want to write him as that character, you'd have a very interesting story. It would need handling with much more care than 2000 words can afford it. I would guess you're not going for something as uncomfortable as that.

If you are going for the innocent girl swept away by a guy who has the moves. Then we're going to have to see them. James has to work a bit harder for it. There has to be the set moves the jokes, the dropped compliment, the lines that make Aeris think he has been paying special attention to her.

If you pull all that off without the reader knowing that James has done all this before then they'll go on a much better roller coaster than telling us straight up. Let us try and figure him out as Aeris is being swept away.

Mostly great ideas, Very interesting possibilities for a classic hook and plenty of room to work in.

Occasional questionable moments but nothing that can't be fixed.

Any questions feel free to PM me on the forums.

Keep Writing


Author's Response: Thanks for replying for to my requested review. And I totally understand that its takes time to review b/c we are all busy with our daily lives. ^__^

Yes, I had another story summary that was related to pregnancy and the A/N too. But it is a spoiler since I updates the story summary. And I am going to change that. YIKES!

Aries is quiet, indeed. But it all comes to down to her priorities. She has a borderline obsession with James so since she is thrilled he is paying attention to her, it’s like she is at his command. I wanted readers to become slightly frustrated with her. And the whole prank thing, she was “sucked” in, meaning it was forced. She isn’t anti-social or those extreme shy people. She is just more shy than normal, but not to the extreme of having social issues.
The characters of the main story isn't just Aries, it is also James and Albus. I don'€™t want it to be one-sided. I want it more complex where it becomes that readers are rooting for certain characters. The flow to his thoughts (after I reread them) were not as smooth as I thought it was when I written it. I do want to fix that though. But I just didn'€™t want it from Aries POV which is why

I decided on third-person rather than first. I know with third person you can focus only on one character, but I didn’t. Each of them is as important. Harry & Ginny for sure wouldn’t raise James to be like that and I think most parents wouldn’t (so how do we end up with men like James?), but each individual has their own experiences that do not come from their parents. What if James is like this as well? Maybe there is a reason he treats her like that? I don’t want to give everything away in the 1st chapter. There is so much more to see with the characters like Aries who is viewed as shy. Realistically, people have layers and layers and are so much more complex. This chapter kind of just showed the first layer or like the impressions.

And it is important to have James thoughts as well b/c James is not trying to sweep her off her feet. He actually does not like her and has no intention of doing so.

Anyway, thank you so much for this review. I will have to go back and fix a few things. =)

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 166
Submit Report: