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Review:TidalDragon says:
Howdy howdy! Back to fill your review request as I procrastinate badly on my own story :/

So I do want to underscore at the start that I think you are definitely making strides with the story. The dialogue and characterizations have become a lot more fitting from what I can tell so far and slowing things down to develop this new plotline with the murder(s?) should help you stay patient while injecting something that can maintain interest while the romantic side is a bit cooler.

A few general things stood out this time. First, there were a number of times toward the beginning where you used phrases like "of course" or "as usual". In some instances, the latter will be warranted, for example if you're announcing a routine that will be important to know about the character's day. However, most of the places where I noticed it in the chapter, it felt unnecessary to me. On some of those occasions as well, for example, the listing of the ingredients of French toast, it also underscored the idea that perhaps what you were including along with that phrase was itself unnecessary. If you find yourself interjecting those types of phrases, I would ask yourself the question - do I need this? It may be a subconscious clue that you don't.

The other two minor points were these: Teddy's speech and the investigation bit. With Teddy's speech, I think you mentioned he was three. His sentences seem awfully well-structured and his ability to enunciate complex names like "Andromeda" is surprising. If we're going to learn he's something of a wunderkind, alright...if not, I'd think about it. Andromeda's name especially stuck out since he can't manage Hermione's just a line earlier.

With the investigation, if you're going to really work that plotline like is seems you are from your A/N, I think you're going to want to bulk up this investigative portion. Even if they obtained literally nothing of note, it would be nice for the reader to see how a magical investigation works (in your mind) in more detail. We don't get this from canon so I think the nitty-gritty might be something that readers would yearn for.

Overall, I think the arc of the chapter itself was sound though. It was coherent from beginning to end, had specific and distinct scenes that all served a legitimate purpose and you flowed fairly seamlessly from scene to scene. Just as an experiment, at a key moment in the next chapter, maybe try to heavily analyze your word choice. See if you can make the big moment really pop with stronger adjectives in descriptions and words that are laden with emotion or a certain connotation. That can take what you're doing well and raise it to the next level!

It's been a fun journey so far! I can tell you are working hard to trying to make this story as strong as possible and really polish your skills as a writer. Believe me it is showing! You have made great strides since your first request alone and that's something I think you should be really proud of!

As always, I hope I've proved useful, and don't be shy about re-requesting. As long as my queue isn't full, there's no official turnaround time limit for re-requests in my thread. You're not guilty of this, but all I ask is that you kindly respond to my last before requesting again. It may sound silly, but I appreciate the dialogue so I can leap in next time with a better understanding and hopefully be more helpful.

Keep up the good work!

Author's Response: Hi there,
Wow, what a nice review! I am very happy that you are taking the time to keep reading my story and I get excited every-time I see one of your great reviews! I like all the points that you include and the advise as well. I will def re-request! And thanks again!


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