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Review:Hats For House Elves says:
OK second review. For the second half. It's long. You might want to get comfortable.

Some things that jumped out at me. Dialogue, using a double barrel name and time.

Dialogue. Have you read it aloud? There are some conversations that seem a little unnatural. You tend to use longer sentences than people who know each other so well would say to each other. Some seem a bit formal.

Ron and Hermione have had a history, in the books, of not really saying what they mean. Both have been oblivious to the way they feel and I doubt that they have grown up so much as to cool down from such a big argument in a few hours. Unless of course they are in their early 30's and have had many resolved arguments. In that case their relationship would be solid as a rock. My guess, because your aim is that they separate is that they are not emotionally mature enough in their relationship to be so in tune with how they feel. Ron coming back after just one day seems a little far-fetched. Unless Harry/Ginny/A Weasley such as Bill kicked him back with the express instruction to say what he did. Even in that case I doubt Ron is at a stage would be that straight forward about how he feels and would deviate from any script in desperation. Miscommunication is the key to this break up. Ron thinks Hermione knows how he feels about her and maybe took it for granted when talking to Lavender. Hermione thinks Ron knows what she wants.

I think it's great that you have Ron trying to solve their problems with food. That is Ron through and through. If someone is crying make a cup of tea. If you want to say sorry, cook breakfast. Perfect.

Hermione will be conflicted. She lets him back into the house. There will be part of her, particularly at this stage of the story, which wants her relationship to fix itself. There is going to be an element of safety in what is familiar. When Ron comes back and puts all his attention on Hermione I would be convinced that she would at least end up kissing him. Maybe that's the part of me screaming for an element of canon in the story, but part of the reason she lost her temper, had the argument and split with him was because he was paying more attention to Lavender than Hermione. That's the way I read it.

One little thing that really bugged me, was that you went and wrote Narcissa Black-Malfoy. This whole double barrelling of names is a trend I see in a lot of HPFF, not just yours. It frustrates me every single time. It's ridiculously clear in the books that double barrel names are uncommon. Wives take their husband's name. Narcissa Malfoy, Bellatrix Lestrange Alice Longbottom. Ginny becomes Ginny Potter, see Pottermore, Hermione becomes Hermione Weasley. It's a personal peeve
My advice to avoid it would be, if you want to highlight the links to the Black family write it into your story mention the cousins and the sisters etc. If the form needs her maiden name say Narcissa Malfoy nee Black. If it's not vital don't mention it.

Time. I have no idea how long your story is taking place over. The first few chapters were 24 hours. But these last three seem more like months? If so, more everyday stuff needs to happen.
Azkaban.

Really describe the feel of the place. I doubt they would be taken to Malfoy's cell. More likely that Malfoy be brought to them in an interview room, with guard. Draco would be nervous, but as other reviewers have said he has spent years hiding his emotions. Maybe it gets too much and he runs but letting his emotions get the better of him in front of Potter is a humiliation. The last time that happened he attempted an unforgivable curse and ended up in the hospital wing. Are dementors still at Azkaban or have they abandoned the place? Your description of the cell and Narcissa is good. I think you can give more. More description. Is this the first time Hermione has visited or not? Has she been working with Narcissa before?

The vast majority of your word count is dialogue and I'm having trouble seeing the setting.
Your plot as ever is good with interesting and exciting elements. It's a turbulent cauldron of struggle and I can't wait to see the reaction when it all gets going.

Oh I almost finished and then remembered the whole Astoria bombshell and Pansy.

So the Astoria bombshell. You're really painting her as a right... unpleasant person. I love that plot line I think I said some unpleasant things at the screen when I read that. If her aim is to tie Draco down with a baby I don't think she would tell him. She will spring the opportunity on him in the hope that she falls pregnant but by not telling him it's worse. Time scale is again a bit of a problem here. If they only got together after Draco got out of Azkaban how much time has passed for Astoria to be thinking about children.

There has to be a reason these two are together but there are no scenes where I really see it. Clearly they are in a physical relationship and they moved in together.

Pansy. While good I think your Pansy plot line is a real opportunity missed though maybe you've saved all this for the aftermath but I think it can be introduced before they find her. It is an opportunity to show that these characters are only human. That their emotional needs are the same as everyone else. When they're worried, they need support, when they are upset they need comfort. It's an opportunity for us to see the other side of Slytherins. For the good bits of the Astoria/Draco relationship to step forward. Comforting each other is what I believe to be the foundation of their relationship. Draco must care. Let us see it.

Reading through my review must seem like it's nothing but suggestions for improvement and negative comments. Again a very harsh review. I'm sorry. I will end on a positive. With a bit more expansion of the scenery there is potential in this plot to have me liking a Draco/Hermione story. First time for everything I suppose.

I'm running out of space.

Hats

Author's Response: Hats,
WOW WOW WOW. Lol. That was alot of information to take in at once but all so wonderful information.
I have a problem fixing sometimes the things you mentioned and I have tried editing it a few times already. I actually edited a lot last night and tried to fix some things that reviewers have pointed out at me, so maybe it got a little bit better? I added alot of detail and tried to fix and tweak some things, maybe come back in a few days and check it out again?
I enjoy your reviews and I don't by any means take them personally, I think you give awesome reviews actually! I also think you would be an amazing beta!
Speaking of a beta, since I have one now she might be able to help me clear up some of the mistakes that I have too.
And I am honored that I almost have you liking a Dramione story! Wow! Haha.
Anyways, thanks so much again for the review and I hope you enjoyed it for the most part.
-Lindsey


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