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Review:TidalDragon says:
Howdy howdy!

As far as this chapter went, I think you definitely had the right idea in terms of plot and I like what you did with the descriptions of Harry's office and Azkaban. Those things were necessary to develop their respective scenes, and in the case of Azkaban, to set the proper mood. Supplementing them with Hermione's internal thoughts about some of them in more detail might be a nice touch, but I thought it was good you included those parts.

I did think Hermione and Harry's sympathy for Draco was a bit excessive. While I can certainly see them appreciating the difficulty of the situation, such outward expressions seem less likely. I felt the same about Draco's outpourings of emotion facing his mother. Naturally he would be emotional, but he has spent much of his life controlling displays of weakness, especially in front of people he views as enemies. Would he really cry in front of Harry and Hermione or would he find a way to suppress it? My guess is the latter. Narcissa, I thought was handled largely well, though I don't know how I feel about her apology for Sirius's death. I can't decide whether I think it's actually OOC, but it definitely seems a case of too-little-too-late and for that reason I doubt it would come up.

The biggest thing again for me though was word choice. To provide a few examples, I'd look at these things:

"Draco's bad attitude didn't keep Harry from talking to Hermione questionably..."

I think you're trying to say he questioned her privately or individually, but as written you are saying the fact that he was talking to Hermione is somehow questionable or that the content of what they were discussing was questionable in some way.

"...I would have been questioned if I was loyal or not..."

A clearer, more succinct way of putting this would be "my loyalty would have been questioned".

A couple more minor things that stood out were that as phrased, the reference to Bellatrix at the beginning is open enough to interpretation by an uninformed or forgetful reader that Bellatrix is still alive. Think about making it clearer that you are trying to draw a comparison between Narcissa and Bellatrix's faces because they're sisters.

Second, Hermione being jealous of Harry's office. Throughout canon, I can't think of an instance where Hermione has EVER been jealous of Harry. It seems unlikely she'd start now, and certainly not with an office. If you really want to try and inject some jealousy into that relationship for purposes of your plot, given what you've written already it would seem more likely to arise when she sees all the pictures of he and Ginny - her relationship is falling apart, while Harry's is going on splendidly. But I'd still temper that with some self-reproach because I think Hermione's position would be that the good things in Harry's life are very much deserved after all he's been through.

Just some thoughts, but I think you're definitely getting stronger and stronger as you go on!

Author's Response: Thanks so much for another awesome review! I am so glad that you think i am getting stronger with my writing. I hope that I continue to do so because that is my goal of course. Sorry for the delay in response.. i have been sick. Anyways.. i appreciate the detailed review and will make some edits. :)

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