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Review:ohmymerlin says:
Hi there! I'm here from my review thread! :)

Okay, first of all I find it interesting that you made James in Slytherin! In the epilogue he's so against it but I like that you've kind of made it an AU!

So I can't really comment on the plot just yet as it is only the first chapter but from the summary, it seems really intriguing and interesting!

Okay, flow. I feel like it's very choppy and the way you've described McGonagall's voice doesn't feel 'right'. McGonagall was never really a person who 'boomed', I'm pretty sure Harry said in one of the early books that she had a talent of keeping everyone silent without any effort - so I think you should maybe change your words a little bit.

I also feel like it's very clumpy. It's very one thing happening and then the next. We don't know anything about Albus' emotions, and I feel like on the first day of Hogwarts he would be awed by everything. I think if you add a little more emotion and description, it'll make everything that much more powerful.

Also, with the Sorting, they read their last names out first. So it would have been, "Potter, Albus," instead of "Albus Potter."

I also noticed a few errors but I think most of them are typos, so it's nothing a quick read-over won't fix!

beenso hungry

You've just forgotten the space between 'been' and 'so'.


This should be 'tried'.


This should be 'immediately'.

"Thomas Malone!" roared Professor McGonagall once more.
"Hurry up for goodness sake!" she yelled...

You've said Thomas Malone, but then later written down 'she'. Unless I'm mistaken, Thomas is a boy name ;)


You've just forgotten the 'h' in here :)


This should be 'interrupted'.

Also, you've misspelt Scorpius and McGonagall. There is no 'o' after the i and before the u for Scorpius, and you spelt McGonagall as McGonnagal. I always found it difficult to spell her name, so I remember this as 'go-nah' (kinda sounds like Jonah, the TV show character written by Chris Lilley) and then 'gall' as in gall bladder :P

Okay, so in your summary you've said Rose is in the story. I feel like that she would be sitting next to Albus, especially on their first day of Hogwarts and she'd also be there whilst Albus and Scorpius talk for the first time. Unless she's sitting with another cousin, then you might want to write that in. Maybe something like, "Albus watched Rose walk up to the stool, her legs shaking, and waited nervously for her to be Sorted." yada yada yada describe the Sorting, Albus' anxiety that Rose might not be in his House, and then the relief when the Sorting Hat does sort her in Gryffindor and then maybe write something along the lines of, "Rose gave him a wave as she went to sit down next to their older cousin, Roxanne." Or anyone else. I just used the first name that popped in my head. But say something about her to show the readers that she's going to feature in the story.

Also, I felt this sentence was worded a bit awkwardly:

Fine then, thought Albus, if he wants to act miserably with me, he can.

Maybe add quote marks like: 'Fine then,' thought Albus, 'if he wants to act miserably with me, he can.'

Or italics: Fine then, thought Albus, if he wants to act miserably with me, he can.

Or even both: 'Fine then, thought Albus, if he wants to act miserably with me, he can.'

Just to make it clear that it's his thoughts. I had to read that a couple of times to make complete sense of it.

Overall, I think this is quite a good first chapter but I would recommend maybe getting a beta for it so he or she can clear up some of the mistakes you may miss. What I find always helps is writing the chapter, leaving it for a day and then before putting it in the queue you go back and edit it to see what you missed. Sometimes all you need is a fresh pair of eyes!

Anyway, feel free to request again!

- Kayla :)

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