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Review:ohmymerlin says:
Hey there! I'm so sorry for the delay on this!

Okay, first of all, I really like the way you've written Lily. She seems like a good Slytherin (very determined and ambitious, even a little bit cunning) and I like that you've written her in that way. I've read a couple of fics where Lily is in Slytherin but they never really make her 'fit' but so far you seem to be doing a good job with it!

However, I noticed a few errors:

And, well, I love Uncle Percy...

And, well, I loved Uncle Percy...

I changed this because you story seemed to be in past tense so I made it also into past tense. If you want it in present tense, I'd recommend putting either quote marks around it or making it in italics just to let the reader know that it is Lily's thinking more than her 'voice', if you get what I mean?

(If you don't, then that's totally fine. I am a bit ill at the moment so I won't be surprised if you tell me, "Kayla, you're making no sense at all what do you mean?!" so feel free to PM me for clarification)

It's really not a big deal"--

It's really not a big deal--"

The hyphen should go inside the quote marks rather than outside.

I guess you really never can tell about a person.

I guess you couldn't really tell what a person was really like from a glance of them.

I went to change this to past tense (which it also needed doing) but then I found the wording a little uncomfortable so I changed it a bit. If you don't like it, feel free to play around with it or keep your old version. As I said before, I'm not 100% so that could make no sense at all and I don't realise it :P

Okay so you asked for character and plot development but as it is really only the first chapter, I don't have /that/ much to say. All I can say is that it's awesome that Lily took it in her stride and strutted to the Slytherin table. YOU GO, GIRL! :P

I can't really comment on the plot development as it is the first chapter but it is a great opening chapter and I think you've set it out really well!

You've also asked if it 'hooks' me in and it does! I'm really intrigued what everyone will say - especially Ron :P - and all the various reactions!

Anywho, this was an excellent first chapter! Feel free to request again!

- Kayla :)

Author's Response: Hi Kayla!

Thank you so much for the lovely review!

You have a good eye! I will have to fix those tense errors. I tend to break off dialogue with dashes pretty frequently, so I'm especially glad to know that tip. (I was never sure where to put them.)

I'm so glad you like Lily and the way she fits as a Slytherin. It was a fun challenge to develop the Slytherin OCs and make them fit the house in different ways.

And, yay! I hooked you!

Thanks again for the review!
MM


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