Ooh, first person present. I'm always nitpicky about this as a tense choice, but I think you're using it effectively. It's at its best when it's very immediate and personal, and starting this in a kind of dream-state for Peter helps emphasise that; we start in his head and pull out.
Cool description on the growing awareness of Snape. It meant I'd figured it out before we were sure, which was good! And Snape's voice in this is just as strong as Peter's is proving to be. And I'm liking the descriptions in general - effective depiction of the pain Peter's in, effective catch-up exposition. I love the point that James and Lily would recognise Snape immediately after all these years, but not Peter.
It's good to see Peter with a spine, not just as a Death Eater but in his interactions with Snape. He was part of the gang who harassed him as a kid, after all; he'd know how to give as good as he'd get. And it's good to see him THINKING; I love his panicked rush to lie, to proclaim just how foolish he is so of course he couldn't sell them out.
And Peter's manipulation of Snape, without an Unbreakable, is good. I really like your Peter; sympathetic, worthy of pity, but at the same time with his own fire and strengths. I don't see how Peter would have been so successful a Death Eater if he was ONLY pathetic and snivelling; sure, some of it was Voldemort having limited options, but the guy was a Marauder and one of the Dark Lord's closest. He's got talents.
Nice depiction of Legilimency. Like a version of hypnotism but more, er, magical. And a vivid depiction of what went down at Godric's Hollow, but it was fun to see it from Peter's perspective. I like that the regret is distant - it's there, but it's not what keeps him up at night. It's something more slow-burning, simmering under the surface, while Snape...
Well, I did wonder if Snape was originally trying to see Peter's memories to cover up an Order attack, but he's obviously got different agendas. Love the description of Voldemort as 'elemental' - he's like a force of nature, it's hard to HATE him for choices. He doesn't make choices, he just IS.
Though that ending is just chilling. This was really good! I thought it was going to be more about Snape being a spy, so this had a nice underlayer of me assuming I knew what was going on and being WRONG. While it was perfectly seeded. I like that!
Author's Response: Hi, there! Sorry to take so long to respond.
This was the second story that I've written in first person and it's definitely painful. I spent a lot of time going back and fixing places where I accidentally slipped into the wrong tense when I was editing this.
Thanks for your compliments on the descriptions. Solving the "mystery" of this story was very dependent on what Peter was seeing and feeling, so I thought it was important to get that right.
I think you and I see Peter the same way. I never liked the portrayal of the character in the films, the way they made him so cowardly and fawning and almost scared of his own shadow. It took a perverse sort of courage to make the choices he made when he betrayed his friends. I wanted to show some of that here.
Like I said in the A/N, I do owe a credit on the description of Legilimency to my pal GingeredTea. She came up with the excellent "cool fog" description. I think that Peter regrets what he did, in his own way, but you're right. It isn't foremost on his list of worries.
Yes, Snape! I had loads of fun stripping away that cool, calculating mask he always wears and letting some genuine anger out. There was no way that he didn't hate Peter for what happened to Lily. I couldn't imagine that he wouldn't have acted on those feelings while he had Wormtail all alone at his house in Spinner's End.
I'm really pleased that you enjoyed the story. Thanks for reading and reviewing!