Hey, Sophie! I'm so sorry for the crazy delay all of a sudden I realised I had uni assignments and they just plonked their way through HPFF D':
Technically I should still be doing the assignments but meh. I need a break, hehe :p
Okay, so first of all you have improved so much! I can see that you're taking the advice you get and your writing is just getting better and better! This might sound mum-like but I'm so proud of how much you've improved! Your writing was always good but now it's just got that extra good quality that everyone always appreciates! :D
However, I did notice a few mistakes but they were significantly less and they aren't the same mistakes, which is just brilliant!
For me that was easy peasey, for some of the others not so much.
For me that was easy peasy, unlike some of the others.
Peasy isn't actually word but when I looked it up on Google it said that was how you spelt it. But that's not really even a major deal, it's just something I prefer to spell my way :p I also felt the wording was a bit clunky so I changed it a little bit. Feel free to change it back!
"Chloe you're seventeen!"
"Chloe, you're seventeen!"
There should just be a comma after Chloe. I can't remember why but I'm sure that's the grammar rule. Unless her name is followed by a verb, then you don't need a comma :)
"They kissed, at Ayli's birthday."
"They kissed at Ayli's birthday."
You don't need a comma after they kissed. Unless you wanted it to be two sentences then it should be: "They kissed. At Ayli's birthday."
I bumped right into a tall guy, who like me had been running.
I bumped right into a tall guy, who had also been running.
This just sounded a bit awkward so I changed it around a bit but if that still sounds awkward to you, feel free to change it! :D
Also, when you wrote joggers I thought you meant shoes (that's what we call them, along with sneakers, trainers, runners and everything in between :p) so I got a bit confused when she then put on her shoes haha :p Although I don't know if that's the whole of Australia though or just my family :p
"Sorry," I replied myself as I took a step back
"Sorry," I replied as I took a step back
I don't think you need the 'myself'. It's very unnecessary and it kinda sounds like she's talking to herself instead of Albus :p
"Can use your bathroom please?"
"Can I use your bathroom please?"
All you did here was forget the 'I' so that's just a typo :)
But seriously, that was all I picked up on! You have improved SO MUCH, Sophie! I already love this story but just fixing those small grammar things make it so much nicer and easier to read :D
Okay, so now I'm going to get the fangirly part of my review, haha!
OMG CHLOE, YOU'RE SEVENTEEN WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED ARE YOU CRAZY?!?!?!?!!??!?!
Is it honestly that bad to wait a few extra months or years?! It makes me feel old wanting to snap at her, "Listen to your mother, you're still a child for Pete's sake!"
(You know you're old when you start agreeing with parents in books, movies, TV shows etc.)
And aw, Ayssa, climbing into Albus' house in only a towel. I think you subconsciously (well, nearly consciously seeing as her inner thoughts at ice cream were very aware of what she wanted) WANT Albus to see you in less than a towel, hehehe ;)
And omg I actually laughed when Albus said his remark about wearing the same thing. That was brilliant! :p
Anyway, Sophie, this was a brilliant chapter! You're such a fantastic writer! ♥
Feel free to request again! :)
- Kayla :)
Author's Response: Hi Kayla!
It's fine, I totally understand. I think I have a pile of assignments to get on with, but I'm replying rather than doing them. Oops. We all need a break sometimes!
I honestly think that you have given me better advice than my English teachers ever did when I was at school. You've got a career there :p
Thank you so much! Sound mum-like as much as you want :p From the tips I've been editing (and hoping to edit) a bunch of my other stories as well to make them better.
It does look better without the 'e'.
Ahh I missed that one, I thought I got all off them when I edited but clearly not. Whatever the rule is, it's been a huge help so thank you for pointing it out!
Haha, joggers/jogging bottoms are pretty much trackie/tracksuit bottoms but are made from a different material if that makes sense. I didn't want to say tackie bottoms because it sounded a bit chavy and for whatever reason I associate tackie bottoms/tracksuits with chavs which is probably a bit sterotype of me :p
Hehe, thank you!! You're too kind :D
She certainly is thinking crazy right now! Just like Alyssa said she should wait the months before her 18th or even a few years. Yes! That's one hundred per cent true, either that or when you say something and realise you sound exactly like your mother :p
Her inner thoughts are very aware, but will she follow her head or her heart?
It had to be done :p It worked to break the tension between them too.
And you are too! â¥
Thanks so much :D