Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:TidalDragon says:
Whoo!

So many characterizations to get down in this chapter! I thought on the whole you did a good job with them though. Fred and George in particular were good and you showed Ginny's cleverly-mischievous side nicely with the ghoul bit (even if it turned out not to work).

As far as the plot goes, I noticed two major things. First, Sadie is actually incapable of speech. That's kind of a neat (in a tragic, horrible way) limitation to give a character and I'm very interested to see how it plays out. Second, Sadie is related to Harry. I'll confess I'm not a big fan of this, primarily because I feel like long-lost relatives are kind of an overused device in AU fics. Naturally though, I always bear with them to see how they play out, primarily because I have a lot of grand ideas (in my humble opinion) that tread "typical" AU ground. So I'm also interested to see how that aspect develops.

In terms of the writing itself, this was the first chapter that was really driven by dialogue, and despite the number of people present, I was pleased you didn't fall into the trap of trying to make them all talk a lot. I think just about all of them got a word in at least, but you didn't force it or overdo it.

At the same time, I feel like you may want to take a look at the specific language used by some of the characters so there's a little more differentiation. This came across well with Fred and George, Hermione, and to a lesser extent Mrs. Weasley. It may prove not to be a problem as things evolve, but I'd just be careful that the speech each character uses doesn't become so similar that almost any character could deliver another character's line. Just a thought.

Author's Response: This was actually the first chapter of this story I ever wrote, almost 9 years ago. I have of course edited it since then, as many things have changed in the plot of this story during that time, but large chunks of it were kept. I'm glad it still seems to fit and flow with the rest of the story.

Yes, Sadie can't talk. Not sure if that's unique and interesting, or a cliché, but I'm doing it anyway. As for the long-lost relative thing, I KNOW that's cliché. I went into this story knowing I was treading dangerous waters there, but I also decided I didn't care. Sometimes, after seeing that could be cool overdone so often and misused, I get this stubborn desire to do it just to prove it can be done well. Not sure if I'm doing it well, but that's my goal. That and to have fun with the story. Thanks for bearing with me anyway.

And now we're back to the dialogue issue. I knew that was a weakness in this chapter. That's where most of the editing happened over the years, to try and make sure the characters sounded unique and not lines anyone could be saying. A lot of things got better, but I know it's still weak in places. The characters I don't write much suffer in this area.

Thanks again for reading! And look, I made it through three without erasing my work!


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 608
Submit Report: