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Review:TidalDragon says:
Howdy! Dropping by in response to your review request. Normally on all requests (contrary to the statement in my thread) I will try to leave feedback on each and every chapter (normally at least 1000 characters). I will endeavor to do that here, but since I have two challenge pieces that really need doing and about 125,000 words worth of reading for review requests, I can't make any promises about the length. I will absolutely give you a holistic answer to your main question though (to the best of my ability), which I will save for the review on the last chapter.

To get to the meat of this one, I think you start out very strongly with an air of mystery about who this poor girl is and some excellent descriptions. You take great care to put us in the scene and get us feeling the weight of both the setting and your MC's emotions, hopeful determination fading to disappointment, turning to fear. It was nicely done.

There were only two things that stood out to me on the flip side, one of which was relatively minor. First, in the second sentence of the third paragraph, you begin your description in the past tense and then transition to a form of the present tense (I'm not a wizard with appropriately describing verb forms, but it goes from -ed to -ing). I read it a couple of times and it just didn't flow right for me.

The other thing I noticed was the dialogue. You do an excellent job of creating a believable scene that really draws a reader in and of describing the inner thoughts of your character, but even though this was never going to be a dialogue-heavy chapter, the quality of the dialogue itself just doesn't seem to be on that same level, particularly at the end of the chapter, where the animagus's (?) dialogue seems to be too similar to the angry person at the deli.

See you in the next chapter!

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