Hey there - sorry it took me so long to get to this! I've been incredibly busy with RL for the last month or so, but it's mostly cleared up now so here I am! :)
Okay, so first off, I love the way you've written it as a number of sections which jump around from place to place and character to character. It really helps heighten the tension and get the mystery element in quick and early, you know? Makes it feel unsure... almost unsafe, if that makes sense.
I love how you're including an older Ron/Hermione/Harry/etc. with a new Minister and os on. It's such a lovely and different thing to see, since usually people don't include them when they're older... but yeah, I love how they're older and more mature but still identifiably them, you know? Even if you didn't have names I'd know who they were - the way Hermione tried to convince Ron to retire, and Ginny and her are ganging up on the boys to do it, haha. Hugo's reaction is such a typical child's response too! I'd be exactly the same, lol...
The scene with the Brigadier and the Major and the others is so chilling. Like, they're not good guys at all, but they seem to almost try and convince themselves that they are, and they don't care about what they have to do in order to protect themselves and 'their' things... I love how we don't know much about them, though - I think it works so well with this. It makes them that much more mysterious and terrifying, makes them more of a nameless face in the crowd...
Also, Hugo! Poor Hugo! And Lorcan... ah, no! I'm guessing the 'body' is one of them... not sure which one it'll be yet, but I'm guessing it's either one of them. Oh wow. Poor Harry and Ron when they have to identify the body - that's really not going to be great! Still, great, great cliffhanger and suspense! ;)
There were a few places here and there where you missed out little words, like 'he'. It's a small thing, but maybe if you read it through - maybe out loud might help more? - again, you should spot most of them. It just jars the flow a bit occasionally, makes it seem a bit strange... just thought I'd mention it!
Apart from that, really, this is awesome! Your writing is lovely and so clear and you're really building in the suspense/mystery element so, so well and I'm incredibly curious to know more! Your characters are all well-developed, and for those who aren't all that well-developed, it works with the kind of character they are, you know? so it doesn't really matter that much!
A really, really great chapter! :) Feel free to re-request!
Author's Response: Hello!!! So sorry I've taken forever to come and give you a response. I know the feeling about RL getting in the way.
I like splitting up the sections to give people a full aspect of what is going on. To give a glimpse of how things happened, why, and who. And how Harry and Co. handle the situation. And avoid plot holes as I write, hahaha.
The Ron and Hermione scene is something that I got from "experience". Haha. Not trying to convince my husband to retire but a way for me to get my way in some stuff. Hugo's reaction is something that I would see myself doing if I caught my own parents doing that.
The Brigadier and Major are definitely not good people. But they definitely, have it in their heads that what they're doing is the right thing. For the greater good, for the best for humanity.
I'm glad that you have some fear for what happens to either Lorcan and Hugo.
I'll do a second, third re-read and get together with my beta to iron the chapter out a bit more.
Thank you for your kind words! They help me want to keep on writing, to want to finish this story out and tell you guys everything I want to say in this story!!
Thank you for your review!!!