Hello! Sorry or being so late on this.
Okay, so I have a little checklist thingy, so I'm going to use that to structure this review. First, I think this perfectly fit the challenge, with both your use of the song and also your characters. You used the lyrics "It's okay not to be okay" perfectly, and the summary was stunning in accordance to the piece. Also, both Molly and Annalise are strong characters, one being the broken doll who is totally believable, and her thoughts are very realistic, and one being the athletic girl who is so blunt that making friends does not come easy. I loved both of them and really enjoyed how you wrote their interactions.
Everything seemed good grammatically, although while reading through with a fine-toothed comb, I did notice these:
""What do you want to do after we finish?"" While there's nothing wrong with this sentence, at first I thought Annalise meant what Molly wanted to do after dinner. I had to reread it to catch the meaning of after Hogwarts, so maybe just add 'after Hogwarts' in and you'd be golden!
"I don't want that annoying [insult] knowing about it," he says referring to Lana's younger brother. James and him did not get along very well." While this is completely okay, maybe just put Lana and her brother's last name after the insult? It's totally my opinion, but I just think that would read better?
In any case, those are the only two things I could really nit-pick at (and considering this is my challenge, I do try to nit-pick), so good job on that front! :)
Next, everything was clear, concise, and coherent. I was never confused (maybe a little question-y on the above occasion but never confused), and it flowed very well. Although the time frames jumped varyingly, you pulled it off really well and it blended together seamlessly.
Next checklist question: does it evoke emotions? Needless to say, yes it does. At the start, I couldn't get over my annoyance of Molly's mother and her needling, even if she wasn't there, and even at the end I just couldn't stand her glaring and unspoken jabs at Molly, ohmigosh CAN SHE JUST SHUT UP? Sorry, I just really don't like your version of Audrey (I mean that in the best way possible - you wrote a character who I love to hate, so great job! :P). Throughtout the story I was kind of a background Annalise, wanting to tell Molly that she's perfect without the makeup and that everything would be okay, although when Annalise actually told her, I felt a little bad for Molly, since it's a little earth shattering to hear that, but extremely proud, albeit a little bit iffy, of Annalise (iffy only because the poor girl needs more tact :P). And then the kiss! I was so happy! I thought it was masterfully written, although more on that later. Anyways, I squealed and made happy faces when that happened - it was just so gosh darn cute!
But then everything went down hill, with Molly doing all of that stuff, then everything that happened afterwards, you really painted a vivid picture. Everything was so sad but I was extremely glad that the healer was able to get Molly to open up and get her the help she needed. The ending was the cutest thing ever, although again, more on that later.
Your characterization was spot on. When I first started reading the kiss scene, I was apprehensive about how you were going to pull it off, because to me Molly wouldn't just let it happen (or more accurately, her mother's voice wouldn't let it happen), so it was an absolute delight to see that you wrote Molly freaking out about it (although not so awesome because Molly and Annalise are so cute). That part was just very well done and I was absolutely delighted to see you pull that off!
Okay, so before I end this review, I just wanted to point out some of my favourite quotes. Not really anything to do in terms of reviewing, but I thought it worth mentioning. So without further ado:
"She shouts as she throws each bottle, ignoring the yell, "Ladies do not throw things!"" I love how the whisper turned into a yell here - very consistent with how the story was developing.
""You don't realise that death doesn't just affect you – it affects everyone who's even just spoken one word to you!"" I absolutely adore this line and it deserves so much recognition. You've written something so powerful in just 20 words and I commend you on it.
"You deserve better but I'm going to try and be the best you deserve, Molly Weasley."" This line just made me so happy! It's so cute and adorable and lsxufhaker. Molly and Annalise are just so gosh darn cute! :P
Okay, so the point of this lengthy review is to say: great job! I'm so honored to have this story as part of my challenge. The only thing I would change would be to maybe divide it into two chapters, just because as it stands now there are a lot of words, but even so this was an amazing piece and I loved reading it and I feel so privileged to be reviewing it, especially for a challenge I issued.
Absolutely stunning job!
Author's Response: Hey there! Don't worry, it's taken me an age to respond!
I'm glad you think that it's matched! I was really worried with this because I tried to make it match as possible but I thought it was a bit average but reading your comments have made me smile so much! :D
I adored writing Molly and Annalise's interactions, I never planned on them having a relationship but suddenly my fingers started typing it up and I couldn't get away from it, hahaha!
Ooh, I'll add those in! Thanks for pointing it out! Sometimes you just forget not everyone can read your mind, haha!
I needed to make Audrey an evil cow even though I generally never see her like that, haha! It just needed to be that way to suit the story :p I hated her too so don't worry about it! :p
All your comments have put such a big smile on my face, thank you so much! ♥ ♥
I was going to make it in two parts but I couldn't find a place to separate it. And I thought about leaving it after the part where she tries to commit suicide but then the first chapter would have been 7,000 words and the second would be 1,000 and it would be imbalanced so I decided to just keep them as one :p I spent ages trying to work out a good spot but ah well.
Thank you so much for this absolutely amazing review and thank you for posting such a great challenge! Female power!
- Kayla :)