Hey, Sophie! I've finally caught up - YAY!
Ooh! Al and Lyss are slowly progressing through a relationship - how sweet! However, I did notice a few errors that pulled me out of the story slightly. They're nothing major, but it just distracted me from the plot because I was focusing on the errors instead.
"Sure," I replied as I grabbed a glass and pulled him a pint, "That's two-ninety." I told him as he dug around in his pocket before handing over the muggle money.
This should be: "Sure," I replied as I grabbed a glass and pulled him a pint. "That's two-ninety," I told him as he dug around in his pocket before handing over the muggle money.
The first part of that sentence is right, but after the word pint should be a full-stop and not a comma, and after the word ninety it should be a comma instead of a full stop.
Opening the till I put the money in and headed down the bar, "You okay?" I asked making him look up.
This should be: Opening the till I put the money in and headed down the bar. "You okay?" I asked making him look up.
Again, there should be a full stop instead of a comma. If you have the speaking verb (oh god this is terrible wording, it's so ironic I apologise) after the actual dialogue, then you won't need a comma before the dialogue. And if the words before the dialogue aren't speaking verbs - as I put it so badly previously - then you don't need to put a comma before the dialogue.
I don't know if that makes any sense, my brain isn't doing great today!
I nodded sympathetically, "I know how you feel mum just won't give up on trying to find me a boyfriend. She keeps trying to set me up again with Awful Terry, you know the creep you saved me from last month."
This should be: I nodded sympathetically. "I know how you feel. Mum just won't give up on trying to find me a boyfriend. She keeps trying to set me up again with Awful Terry, you know the creep you saved me from last month."
I changed the comma to a full stop, and I added a full stop after the word feel. You could add one of these bad boys ; in if you'd prefer that instead but it works either way. It makes it flow a lot better. I find that if you actually say the dialogue out loud, or even the whole story, it helps smooth out the tiny errors.
Albus nodded as he held his glass up, "Here's to mother's who just won't listen," Realising I didn't have a glass to clink he said, "Let me buy you a drink, Lyss."
This should be: Albus nodded as he held his glass up. "Here's to mothers who just won't listen." Realising I didn't have a glass to clink he said, "Let me buy you a drink, Lyss."
I changed the comma again, and I also got rid of the apostrophe in mothers. It would have needed an apostrophe if you followed with an item of the mother. E.g. "Don't touch my mother's glass of wine, she may hex you." but when generalising mothers, you don't need an apostrophe :)
Well he said he'd like another date if your up for it.
You've just typed the wrong 'you're' in this sentence :)
"Yeah it's me and Newt boy needs to be out of here by morning," Lorcan laughed as did Chloe, "Any funny business and he's out that window before you can say 'Weasley's Wizard Wheezes'."
"Yeah it's me and Newt boy needs to be out of here by morning." Lorcan laughed as did Chloe. "Any funny business and he's out that window before you can say 'Weasley's Wizard Wheezes'."
I just put full stops before and after the 'Lorcan laughed as did Chloe' (you might want to change that a bit too, maybe try 'Lorcan and Chloe both laughed/Lorcan laughed at the same time as Chloe - it makes it flow a bit better) as having the 'Lorcan laughed' implies that Lorcan said that bit of the dialogue, not Lyss. But if Lyss laughed and you wrote it as:
"Yeah it's me and Newt boy needs to be out of here by morning," I laughed
then that would be correct! I think. I tend not to do it but so many authors do it, I think it's honestly just a matter of personal preference :)
Okay, so I noticed you tend to make quite a few of the same mistakes. A comma only needs to be placed within the speech if it's followed by 'he/she/they said' (and other synonyms for said). It ends with a full stop if it isn't followed by a 'he/she/they said'.
And a comma should only be at the start if the start is 'he/she/they said'. If that doesn't make sense, let me give you an example:
Ted said, "Can you help me moving this table? It's heavy."
Ted was struggling to move the table. "Can you help me moving this table? It's heavy."
Do you see the difference? It's not even that big of a deal but I'm really weird about my commas and punctuation, I really love it and I get really nit-picky about it, haha!
Okay, so the plot! The plot seems to be progressing really nicely! Why did Lyss freak out though? She should have just kept going at it and then she could have a super sexy boyfriend!
Characterisation: I think you're doing great on characterisation! I haven't had any issues with that so far, you're definitely good at that!
Al still seems like an enigma. I'm really curious as to what's going under that noggin. He just seems super private and/or quiet, and I really just want him to open up more!
Anywho, this was a wonderful chapter, Sophie! I'm really enjoying reading this story!
This story is super intriguing and I can't wait until the next chapter comes along! I just need to know what's going to happen with Albus and Alyssa!
That's another thing you're awesome at! You have this knack for getting people to come back to your stories. I don't know how you do it but I keep checking your stories to see if any of them have updated (yes, I read a lot of your stories but I suck and never review but I'm planning on changing that ASAP!)
Anywho, feel free to request again!
- Kayla :)
(And congrats, I think this is the longest review I've ever written - YAY! :p)
Author's Response: Kayla!
I've finally gotten around to answering.
Al and Alyssa action, yes!
I've gotten around to sorting these out on my draft, so I just need to edit on here.
I have to say you've probably taught me more than my English teacher(s) ever did :p Career choice for you there! Haha. I've certainly picked up on things and now I'm trying to edit my other stories as well with my new found wisdom, thanks to you :D So massive thanks *hugs*
Yep, the difference is newly noted and will become my new rule when writing. Nit-picky is great!
Ha! She totally should have, but Lyss thinks it's ever so weird that there is kissing involved between them considering they used to play together as children and grew up together. I think a super sexy boyfriend called Albus Potter is enough to make anyone happy.
Ahh thank you!
Al is a bit of an enigma and hopefully there will be more of his feelings/his brain activity unleashed in up coming chapters, maybe even a bit in his POV. Al is a quiet person in general as well so it doesn't help matters either.
I've been meaning to put up Chapter 5 but haven't got around to it, it's on my (very long and never ending) to-do-list so it should be up soon, hopefully. Hehe, I could tell you spoilers but where's the fun in that :p
Aww you're too kind! *hugs* I'm terrible like that as well, I always end up forgetting to review if it's been a while and I haven't reviewed the first lot of chapters and then I'm on like number 13 or something. Look forward to hearing from you again :)
(Longest review ever, you deserve a medal!)