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Review:Beeezie says:
Hey! I'm so sorry for the delay in this - stuff in my life got really tough for a couple weeks in some unexpected ways. I hope I can make up for it.

There were a lot of things that I really liked about this chapter. I thought that you did a great job at providing enough information to ground the story in what we know from canon while still leaving a lot of intrigue and questions, and I thought that overall, you did a great job at conveying Josephine's emotional state. I could really feel her sadness and anguish, and especially in the first section, I could definitely picture the scene in my head. It was very poignant.

I don't want to critique this too much because it is just an introduction, but I do want to mention a couple little things I noticed.

As I said, overall, you did a great job at portraying her emotional state, but there were a few points where I feel like you were just using too many adjectives, and maybe less would have been more.

For example, in the second section, the paragraph starting, "I couldn't stop my anguished tears" - I feel like "anguished" actually takes more away from the description than it adds to it, because it's really not needed to convey how strongly Josephine feels. There were a few points throughout the chapter like this, where I just felt like you got a little wordy or used too many adjectives - not many, and they were very minor, but I thought I'd mention it.

Overall, though, excellent chapter. :) I really liked it, and I'm excited to read more!

Author's Response: Hey Beeezie! No worries at all about your delay (especially considering my much longer delay in responding)! hehehe Real life; I totally understand! ^.^

Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter overall! I was certainly going for that balance between laying down enough of a base to intrigue readers, without overdoing it, so I'm glad you felt I did that! It's also great to hear that you found the emotions for the most part to be poignant and real, as this is a character (as opposed to plot) driven story, so that connection needs to be there in order for it to work out!

Ah, please, critique away! I wrote this chapter three years ago and it was one of the first things I'd ever written, and, to be honest, I agree 100% with what you've said. I've been feeling that way about the first two chapters (both written between two and three years ago), but I've just not gone back to do an overhaul of them yet. Anyway, I know you've mentioned before coming back to look at chapter three, which I do believe is a vast improvement since these two, as it was written only a few months ago, so I hope that there has been a noticeable improvement from these first two compared to the second two! I'm hoping to rewrite these first two as soon as I have a bit more free time and the motivation to be nit-picky! hehehe But I truly appreciate what you've pointed out and I really do agree! And your reviews have made me want, even more, to finally make time for a rewrite! Thank you!

I'm glad that overall you enjoyed it, though, and I do hope that if you ever make it further along, you feel a shift in quality! But either way, thank you for your comments; I sincerely appreciate your taking the time to leave such a thoughtful and honest review! ^.^


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