|Review:||Penelope Inkwell says:|
So, I loved this chapter. Unsurprising. First interaction between Rose and Richard! And it was so heart-rendingly short! That’s the last time he saw her? My heart!
I ship them so hard already, and I’ve seen them together for like 20 seconds.
You do a lovely job with working in the speech differences. Richard is understandable, but obviously from a different time, so good job with that! I feel like it’d be hard to get it just right, but you’ve done it.
Have I mentioned how much I like this incarnation of Rose? She grows on me more and more every chapter. I like how you’ve made her a sort of every-girl. And I don’t mean that like the dreaded “Mary Sue” term. I just mean that, despite her famous family and brilliant mother and all, she’s fairly normal. Endearingly flawed. It’s a different depiction from what I usually see, and I like how you’ve done it.
Really, it’s all just little spelling/word choice details. I have nothing to critique in terms of content. :)
"it’s comforting and familiar weight”
--“it’s" ought to be "its”
"for it dug its long heels into the ground.”
--I read “long heels” and think of a rabbit or a hare. It doesn’t seem like a very horse-like movement/description. Maybe, “dug its hooves into the ground,”?
"How now, Rose, how I am supposed to proceed to quite uncertain.”
--I didn’t quite understand that sentence. But maybe that’s just me.
"Some of them I was perfectly fine pushing away, especially if their breath tasted of sick or whiskey (indeed, the latter was likely to induce the second on my own part)”
--This sentence structure seems a little wonky. Specifically, “The latter was likely to produce the second on my own part”. Following back, that would be, “[Whiskey] was likely to produce [whiskey] on my own part,” or at least that’s how it seemed to me. I thought you were maybe saying that if their breath tasted of sick, Rose might end up sick herself (a very relatable sentiment!), but I had some trouble understanding the sentence.
"was missing a tooth fan back in his mouth,”
--Is “fan” supposed to be “far”?
Anyway, so that’s all the nitpicky little things. But yeah, this chapter was excellent. I want more Richard and Rose! When can that be a thing that happens? Also, nice job creating chemistry between people who, from our perspective at this point...don’t know each other. That was a well written kiss, especially between strangers (I know that he knows her, but you know what I mean? Usually, by the time characters kiss, the audience has been waiting for it so long, it’s automatically a good scene. Since we haven’t been waiting in the same way, you had to work harder, and I think you pulled it off excellently! It was romantic and smoldery without being too much, considering the strangers thing). I read this chapter this morning and have been looking forward to getting back and reading more all day. I’m definitely hooked, and this story has officially been added to my Favorites list!
Author's Response: Hola! :)
Yay, I'm so glad you liked it! And yes, it is the first and last interaction in the past in a way, haha. It made me sad to write about it too, poor Richard! Hehe, I'm glad you're shipping them!
The speech differences are so tricky! I've been playing around with them quite a bit throughout the story so I'm really excited you thought they were well done. It's not quite authentic, but hopefully enough to show how they would sound differently to one another.
I'm really glad you like Rose! She's quite fun to write and her character feels very real to me, so I'm glad you feel that way. She has a lot of flaws, of course, but who doesn't?
Thanks so much, I've gone through and fixed those. :D I really should get a beta for this. :P
I'm glad you like them, and it will be a thing... eventually. :P I'm pleased you liked the way the kiss was written as well as it can be hard to write a good one! The timeline of this story is all messed up, which does make things like that more challenging so I'm really excited you liked the romanticness and strangeness. :)
Thanks so much for the amazing review, dear! ♥ It really means a lot that you're liking the story and taking the time to leave these lovely comments!