Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:anythingcouldhappen says:
Hi! I'm here with your requested review!

I like the way you set up the character's relationships with each other in this. That's always a big part of any story and you do a nice job in this. It helps that you give their names a lot. In further chapters, you probably won't need to do that as much but for now its helpful.

Right now, I think what's keeping the plot interesting is the flash-forwards. The commencement was nice, but its sort of hard to tell where the story is going in the 1978 timeline. With this being a wartime story, I think its important to show some of what they're doing for the Order soon. I do really like the flash forwards though! They make me curious!

I'm just going to point out a few grammar things I found:

" 'They're part of the Order now, Mary. Them and three others from their year.' She looked up at Lily in disbelief." This makes it sound like Mary just said that sentence. Maybe if you say "Lily said, as Marlene looked up in disbelief." Or similar :)

"The clapping came fast and very loud, and one face could be spotted from her place at the podium. Well, from her perspective, it was the only one she could see. James Potter." It seems a little repetitive to say "and one face" and then "it was the only one she could see" If you could find a way to combine these sentences, it would read a little smoother.

"Him and Dorcas were not of sound mind as of about half an hour earlier." This is a little awkwardly structured. Perhaps you could move some words around to make it clearer? Something like "Dorcas and Him hadn't been of sound mind for at least half an hour"

I'm sure other reviewers have pointed this out, but if you fix the big spaces between the paragraphs, it would be much easier to read :) It's just a matter of using the correct tool when you paste your text into the chapter box I think.

Great job! Hope this helped!

Sam

Author's Response: thank you so much for the great review and lengthy response! I'll take this into consideration when I go back for editing.

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 842
Submit Report: