Hey, Sophie! I'm here from my review thread! Firstly, OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD THEY KISSED THEY KISSED THEY KISSED!
WE FINALLY HAVE SOME ACTION! :'D But they agreed to be friends? Shouldn't they agree to be more than friends? *waggles eyebrows up and down like that old Cadbury ad*
... Unless you guys didn't have that ad and it was some weird Australian thing. If not, just ignore me, ahaha :p
Also, I loved the hummer part. I've been in one hummer and one Chrysler limo before and both of them had all that stuff you mentioned, and it's so much fun! I honestly wanted to just ride around in there all night but we had functions to attend, ahaha! So yeah, props for accuracy! :D
*coughs* Now that the fangirl part of my review is over, I'll comment on your grammar/spelling.
I caught a fair few errors, sorry I'm really nit-picky. I am really weird about these things, please don't hate me! D:
"Yeah the baby of the group has finally caught up with us oldies." Rose chimed in.
This should have a comma at the end instead of a full stop like so:
"Yeah the baby of the group has finally caught up with us oldies," Rose chimed in.
...and then drank it in one, "You all ready?" She asked as she smoothed...
This should have a full stop at the end of the 'one', and a lower case s on the 'she'. Here's what I mean:
...and then drank it in one. "You all ready?" she asked as she smoothed...
"Have fun girls," Her mum called smiling at us all as she came out armed with a camera, "You all look beautiful!"
"Have fun girls," her mum called smiling at us all as she came out armed with a camera. "You all look beautiful!"
It just flows a lot better with the full stop at the end of camera.
...heard Seamus say, "And no boys." in the background... should be:
...heard Seamus say, "And no boys," in the background...
I made that a comma because the 'in' was a part of the sentence. Honestly, I don't know if that's grammatically correct because that still confuses me but I think it is right. If not, just ignore me, ahaha, because I generally do that because I like the way it looks, hehe :p
"Happy birthday Ayli!" He called, "Surprise."
This should be:
"Happy birthday, Ayli!" he called. "Surprise."
A comma needs to always go before someone's name (there are some exceptions but I can't think of any currently) and again the 'he' should be in lower case.
"Amazing." Dom muttered in awe
"Amazing," Dom muttered in awe
"I love you all." Ayli replied.
"I love you all," Ayli replied.
"Pass the bubbly." He said into my ear
"Pass the bubbly," he said into my ear
Again, all these should have commas after the last word instead of a full stop. And on the last one the h from he should be in lower case.
The red hed she had been dancing earlier helped us across the VIP area and out through the club.
You've misspelt 'head' and forgotten the word 'with' between dancing and earlier. :p
We eventualy arrived back on my street
'Eventually' is misspelt here but it's most likely a typo since I did the exact same thing retyping it out, ahaha!
I climbed inot my bed and settled down.
This is just a small typo of 'into' but that's probably a result of typing too fast, ahaha! I think that's the reason for most typos nowadays! :p
Also, this sentence: Laughing I waved goodbye to him as Caleb span me around in his arms and took me dance.
Instead of dance, you should have 'dancing'. Or you could have written 'took me to dance' but personally I think dancing suits better. :)
Overall with your grammar, I've noticed you tend to repeat the same mistakes. You often put a full stop where there should be a comma and have the 'he/she/they said' in capitals when it should (usually) be lower cased. I don't know if that's a term but I had no idea how to put it, ahaha!
You also asked about characterisation. I think it's great so far! I haven't had any problems with it so I don't think you need to worry about that!
Next up, plot! The plot seems to be progressing very nicely. We're slowly getting some action from Al and Alyssa so that's definitely good! :D
So yeah, I don't really have much to say anymore except that OH MY GOD THEY KISSED.
Still not over it, ahaha! :p
Anyway, this was a great chapter! Sorry if I came across as a bit harsh or condescending about the errors, I honestly don't intend it that way. :/
And oh my god, sorry about the length of this! o.o
This is what happens when you write one sentence per line instead of clumping them together in paragraphs, ahaha! :p
Feel free to request again! :)
- Kayla :)
Author's Response: Hey Kayla!
Super sorry I'm late replying, my internet has been messed up as well as being busy.
THEY KISSED AND EVEN I CANNOT BELIEVE IT :D
They've agree to be Friends? For now maybe ;) Hehe yes! We did have that advert along with the gorilla one :p It must have been a weird UK thing as well then. As for more than friends? Wait and see, wait and see ;)
I've been in a limo once so I sort of based it on that and some pictures of Hummers from off online. It's so fun though and I think we would have rode around all night as well :) So much fun but we had places to be :)
Hehe fangirl all you like but grammar/spelling is good.
I've gone over on my saved copy and edited all of those that you've pointed out so THANK YOU. I'm so used to writing things lately that except when I know it's needed all grammar goes out the window and then I go all funny when typing which is a pain for me.
Ahh so long as Alyssa and the others behave themselves that it. Hehe there's more to come but THEY KISSED!! You're in for a lot more in later chapters.
Ahh your seriously a life-saver and definitely not harsh! I've said it before but Thank you, thank you, thank you for your reviews!!! *hugs*
Hehe it's like a whole essay :p
- Sophie xx