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Review:anythingcouldhappen says:
Hi there!

I'll start with what I liked :) The little intro at the beginning was nice! It made me wonder how each character had gotten to the point they were at and how they were dealing with those positions they were in. It was definitely a good place to start.

In terms of characters, it was a little hard to follow who was who in the office. I think maybe you could have used their names rather than just saying "the long-haired one" or other terms. This is just my personal preference though.

Generally it flowed fine, but there were a few sentences that were a little jarring and I think could be phrased in a better way.

"His dad never mentioned the toll you took with this role." I think here you might want to say "His dad never mentioned the toll this role took on you".

"characteristically to May". Here I think it would make more sense to say "characteristic of May". Also, you might want to use another word besides "uncharacteristic" in the next sentence, just to avoid repetitiveness.

"The Scottish woman butt in very solemnly". This is just an awkward sentence to read. Maybe something like "The Scottish Woman solemnly interrupted".

"The same space they would be filled with in due time". Here, I think it just doesn't make a whole lot of sense to say that empty space would fill them. Perhaps you could say "the same emptiness they would be filled with"?

Overall, this is an interesting beginning! I think the main thing you need to work on is just crafting your sentences.

Great job! I hope this helped :)

Sam

Author's Response: Thanks so much for getting to this so quickly! I'm happy you liked the beginning, but I think you're right that my sentences get a bit confusing.

I think I just tried to be too cryptic and mysterious. I think I'll just have to make it easier to follow. Thanks for reaffirming that.

I'll go back and request as soon as you have space. This was a lovely review.

blackballet


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